Well, this all started on Saturday afternoon, when Dukey, Josh and Laura appeared at my house so that we could hang out for the day. We all hopped into Dukey's car and sped off to his house. Unfortunately, upon arrival we learned that Dukey's dad was still in bed, so we jumped back into his car and sped off to town. Now, as much as Corby's town centre has improved, they still apparently don't know how to sort out a decent parking lot yet. In Kettering there are bound to be spaces in the Newland's Centre multi-storey, and if there isn't then there are two supermarket car parks to choose from. In Corby, they have a diddy one, a substantial one that everybody who goes to Corby uses, and then their multi-storey, which doesn't have any spaces either. So we had a lot of fun driving aimlessly around this tall structure trying to find some place to park, and eventually gave up and waited for this family to pack up their car and piss off, no longer caring that there was a queue of cars behind us. In my experience, if a parking lot is full, you should charge people to drive into it. But that's my opinion.
While in town, we bought sweets. That was pretty much the purpose of that journey. But it was fun. When we got back to Dukey's house, we decided to get started on our smoke bomb experiment, but on account of the fact that we couldn't do it in the kitchen, and it was cold outside, and outside had Dukey's football friends (of which Josh, Laura and I are not particular fans of) kicking a block of ice around. We then decided against doing the smoke bomb here, told Dukey's football friends to fuck off and went back inside to play Kinect.
Kinect is the new thing from Xbox that makes you the controller, kind of like that thing that Becca has at her house that I can't remember the name of, except it's better. For example, Kinect doesn't get confused between breasts and hands. Now, you remember how a couple of years ago the Wii came out and everyone was like, "Yeah! I can keep fit doing this!" and then everyone realised that you sit on the couch and essentially jerk off the controller to perform all the necessary movements to get the game to work? You do? Good. With Kinect, if you don't get up and jump around and stuff, neither will your character on screen. If you need to jump, you have to jump. "Jump for speed!" Exactly. In fact, it's so tiring that the Xbox even tells you to take a break every now and then. That's nice of them. Unfortunately, if I had one I would not be able to use it at all, on account of the fact that my Xbox in my room and I have no room in my room. I know, ironic. If your having doubts about Kinect though, then don't, especially if you have a 10ft sq room with nothing in it but a TV and an Xbox. It's amazingly fun.
After spending too long on Kinect we had to take Laura home, which was annoying because Laura's a nice person and fits in well with us perfectly. In fact, she makes Josh look a little less insane, which is always good. It's also good to have someone as sensible as I am around. You know, someone to tut with while the idiots make a mess of things, and also talk about how it's nice to have another sensible person around. But anyway, after we took Laura home we picked up the pizzas we'd ordered and went back to Dukey's house to munch on them. Josh and I got a 15inch meatfeast, which was delicious. Like, imagine a regular pizza, which is already delicious, and then just stick a lot of cooked pig parts on it, and it becomes more delicious! Anyway, we then played some more Kinect, and it started well, but several Kinect Adventures in and we got really tired. However, we did manage to complete the game in ample time, even if we were really knackered.
Anyway, we then went to Josh's house for our overnight stop. Oh, I must state that on every car journey Josh must have blinded at least seven drivers and three children, because there was a huge pile up of cars on the A roads. Although, I may have made that up. Josh did show us the true power of his laser though, since he shone it at the clouds and we could see the beam and it was awesome and then he accidentally killed Superman. But it's cool. Yeah, when we got to Josh's we cooked up two batches of smoke bombs, but both were ruined in some kind of way, so we stuck them in the fridge and played some Xbox for a while. The purpose of this Xboxing was to film some Zero-G, and I don't think we did a half-bad job of it, even if it was horribly complex to do. But still, it's done and that's fine.
The next morning we decided to test our smoke bombs, but we weren't really optimistic about it. They were both horrible gloopy messes that didn't look like they could do anything other than clog up your sink, but everything is worth a shot. We laid them both outside and set the first one on fire. It worked perfectly, much to our surprise. Since this was a success, we got the camera out and filmed the next success, but this success left a strange yellow liquid that is completely unknown to us, and shall continue to be because we didn't stick around. Instead, we made another smoke bomb since the last two fuck-ups were such a success. This time it was 3 KN to 2 sugar, and we moulded it into a conical shape. This proved to be a much bigger smoke cloud, and even managed to set on fire. We almost literally shat ourselves as it set alight, really not expecting it to almost blow up in our faces, but it was pretty awesome. The next experiment was the same, but this time was a ball shape and actually blew up in our faces. Bits of tin foil flew at us, but the smoke was still damn epic. Our final experiment was to see if we could add food-dye to change the colour of the smoke. See, in my infinite wisdom I knew that food-dye wasn't the right stuff to change the colour of the smoke, but everything is worth a shot isn't it? So yeah, that happened and when we tested this one it burned slower, creating more smoke, but the food-dye actually caught fire and created a huge flame that would've killed a man if he were near it. Luckily, we anticipated this since we'd nearly been killed in the face by two of our previous experiments so we're not dead.
So, all in all we had a great time and the smoke bombs were a definite success. If you want to see the videos, they're on Facebook, and I may update this post with some pictures soon.
Maybe.
Until next time!
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Worst Day of the Year Thursday
Hey, we're almost a year into this blog and you're still finding out new things about me. How exciting is that? Trust me, don't read this post. It's for your own good.
The title doesn't necessarily mean that this is definitely the worst day of the year, because something awful might happen later on, but the point is that this day repeats itself every year on the 27th of January. It's the one day in the year when I absolutely cannot find happiness. If you know me inside out and back to front and then the right way around then you might know where I'm going with this.
15 years ago to the day was probably the worst day of my life. I say probably because I can't remember it, since I'd only just turned three at the time. Unfortunately, I'm absolutely terrible at being straight and to the point with this matter so I'm just going to be cryptic with you. Do you remember why Becca is duper super important to me? Yeah, that's what this day is all about.
She was the one person who could have made me a part of this family, and not the lone wolf who is typing to you now. She must have done something right in the three years that I did know her because after she died I was apparently able to raise myself. Well, I say able, what I mean is that I was kind of forced to raise myself. If you take a look at the relationship my two brothers have with the rest of the "family" then you'll understand exactly why I'm like I am with them. Because of what happened 15 years ago I'm alone surrounded by people I hate and who equally hate me. It's because of all of this that I feel so detached from this household that I'm actually convinced that I'm adopted. Unfortunately, in order to test this theory I have to get tissue samples, but that would require going near these people whom I'm forced to live with, and that's unacceptable. Once again, they leave me in the dark.
However, right now I have my Real Family. The only unfortunate thing about that is that I don't live with you, but that'll change soon enough. Seriously, this day would be 1000x worse without you guys, just like it used to be.
I apologise for taking so long to essentially say that I'm a pathetic wimp. I'll get on with the rest. Although you probably won't want to read that either.
First Lesson - Janina
Naturally I started the day trying to keep myself together enough so that it was barely noticeable that I was completely miserable. It didn't work very well. Anyway, Janina's lesson today wasn't that exciting to be honest with you. We had to argue about racism, but we weren't given free reign, no no. We had to argue base on criteria, that being that we either ban right-wing groups or that's not the answer. I went with the fact that banning right-wing groups wouldn't make a difference to anything, and in fact the only way of stopping racism is to educate people properly, as opposed to all the anti-Nazi crap we get taught in school, or the anti-black stuff we frequently read about in the news. That's my opinion though. Also, in breakfast, Josh and I were talking to one of the OFfice of STudent EDucation inspectors (I totally just worked that out. No one else has worked it out) and he turned out to be quite a nice guy, and really likes our school. You know what though? Of all the slagging off we do about this school, when you're talking to some guy about it, you realise that you're actually in a top-class place and wouldn't be anywhere else.
Second Lesson - DT
"Oh I need something to do... I know, I'll clean the table! That's what women are good at." Lottie Rand on... did she just put herself in her place while I was doing all the man stuff?
That's the quote of the day right there. And by man stuff I mean cutting and filing metal so that it looks smooth and is the perfect size. The real man cares about attention to detail. I'm the real man. This lesson didn't really cheer me up though, since I was, for the most part, completely alone and therefore thinking. Thinking is never good for me. Although some of my mediocre ideas come from thinking. My best ones are always spontaneous though.
Third Lesson - Deutsch
Fortunately I had my Dukey and Jed (no one owns Jed) this lesson and we were tasked with a translation exercise. It wasn't all that difficult and as a team we did pretty well. I can't remember enough to go into detail, so I won't. After that though, we watched some of a video about the Berliner Mauer, which was pretty cool.
Fourth Lesson - Free
A simple lesson starting with a really nice chat from various members of my Real Family. This was a nice respite from all the misery earlier in the day, and raised my spirits a little. I managed to help out Maisie a bit with her coursework, despite the fact that I don't know the first thing about [insert subject here]. I didn't really pay attention. I then decided to a bit of work of my own. The Physics lot then came out and a Joshi joined us, but after a little while fucked off to go and see what Dallamore was doing. One by one, wait, hold on...
Fifth Lesson - Free
One by one people left, and then some more accumulated. They left in a huge group though, leaving me completely alone. I then dipped back into misery hole numero uno when I decided that I should get some Media work done. I needed someone to talk to at this point, because I couldn't cope loneliness anymore and decided to pack my things, sort out what I actually need to do for media and then bloody find someone. However, everyone was either in the library playing bloody Scrabble or with Josh larking about with his bloody laser pen. I found me a Natalie eventually and asked her what needed to be done for the Media work I should've done the previous week. Now I know. It would seem that all the work Ms Mankiewicz has set for us is pointless and irrelevant. Surprise, surprise. I then found me a Josh and a Jed, who aren't ideal people to talk to about 'stuff' but otherwise good company and therefore fine. Josh asked me at least twice what was wrong, but as I am with myself, I'm not good at telling people anything so didn't really give a formulated response. My Joe then joined us and the rest of the day kind of happened. I've just lost all motivation to continue remembering shit, so I won't.
I apologise with deepest sincerity at how awfully awful this post has been. If I was in any right frame of mind then this wouldn't even be posted, but since it's Thursday's turn I kind of had to. Besides, you guys have a right to know what goes on in my head. This is me speaking as if only you lot read this blog, but I seem to have forgotten that the whole world reads this thing now. Shit a brick on a stick. But wait, I haven't finished yet.
1900 - Now
I'll you bloody what, lad, alcohol is just great. It's like great and shit. Uhh... Oh, this is a blag. I mean blog. That's what I mean and shit. So, what was I saying? Yeah, my fingers are typing by themselves, it doesn't really feel like I'm controlling them because they're doing everything perfectly and I'm in no frame of mind to be doing anything with precision. That said I won a game of pool against Luke, so it's cool and all that shit and wank.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, we went to the Briars for mine and Hoier's first legal drinking sessions. That's a vital bit of information. You must understand this. Do you understand it yet? Good, let's move on. Because I'm like all shitted in the Kopf and shit. I do apologise in the most gratuitous manner, for I appear to be using my writing talents to formulate sentences that don't make any sense at all. You know what? Sentences need to make sense. You see the connection between the two words? I know right, it's really cool. Anyway, what was I saying. Yeah, essentially we went to the Briars and drank lots of alcoholic beverages. Hahahaha, Joe's going to have a huge hangover tomorrow. He was so pissed! Speaking of pissed, I have a really weak bladder. I went to the Toilette 5mal! Ich weiss! That's weak, dude, man, bro. I can't feel my cheeks.
Some of you might say that I did this to kind of forget that this is like a crappy day for me, and you'd be right about that. I've completely forgotten about it and shit.
Uh... oh yeah, Bekah was there, but she didn't stay for very long because she has an exam. You know what's funny? My head is like a typewriter right now. Seriously, I start a sentence with my head hanging left, and then at the end of the sentence it's hanging right! How cool is that?
So, Josh and Maisie were also there. They're pretty cool people. Maisie was willing to buy alcohol for us. But then again, so was everyone else. I forgot my ID though. Then again, my ID is a 5 year old passport, and is therefore not good to me at all. Damn that thing to hell, I say. Anyway, Dukey was also there, but he was the designated driver so didn't drink and therefore what he said made sense. His thoughts were cognitive. It's crazy stuff. Oh yeah, Joshi taught me how to play pool properly. I say that, but I already knew how to do it and almost kicked his arse. Almost. I did, however, kick Luke's arse. Hahahaha. Harry and Westie were also there for a little while, but they didn't get drunk either. Apparently Westie did some pretty cool pool tricks, but I didn't see them, so I don't care. Uh... Oh yeah, Joe was there and he just got so fucked in the ass by a ... green giant. You should've seen it. It was horrific. Tom was the important guest though in our little tavern, because it was his birthday, but it was celebrating my birthday as well so screw him and his tight anus. I don't know if he has a tight anus, but I assume that no man has touched him so he's cool down there. I say cool, but I don't know if he has the occasional curry or not. He probably does.
I won pool. While drunk. With one hand behind my back. Because you see, when you play pool, one hand is behind your back while you make the shot anyway! Oh-ho! I'm a comical genius.
Right, I need to do work. It's far too late for work. No, me, I must do this or I'll be a bad person. Aw come on! I'm serial about this, lad. Fine. I'll do that. Hehehe, Ms Mankybitch is going to get some funny work in the morning.
Anyway, you're all wonderful and I love you and if I don't end up living with you then I'm going to kill a lot of people. When I say a lot, I mean I instantly thought of Japanese people. I have no idea why, because they're not a threat. Not like the Chinese.
Uh... Goodbye.
The title doesn't necessarily mean that this is definitely the worst day of the year, because something awful might happen later on, but the point is that this day repeats itself every year on the 27th of January. It's the one day in the year when I absolutely cannot find happiness. If you know me inside out and back to front and then the right way around then you might know where I'm going with this.
15 years ago to the day was probably the worst day of my life. I say probably because I can't remember it, since I'd only just turned three at the time. Unfortunately, I'm absolutely terrible at being straight and to the point with this matter so I'm just going to be cryptic with you. Do you remember why Becca is duper super important to me? Yeah, that's what this day is all about.
She was the one person who could have made me a part of this family, and not the lone wolf who is typing to you now. She must have done something right in the three years that I did know her because after she died I was apparently able to raise myself. Well, I say able, what I mean is that I was kind of forced to raise myself. If you take a look at the relationship my two brothers have with the rest of the "family" then you'll understand exactly why I'm like I am with them. Because of what happened 15 years ago I'm alone surrounded by people I hate and who equally hate me. It's because of all of this that I feel so detached from this household that I'm actually convinced that I'm adopted. Unfortunately, in order to test this theory I have to get tissue samples, but that would require going near these people whom I'm forced to live with, and that's unacceptable. Once again, they leave me in the dark.
However, right now I have my Real Family. The only unfortunate thing about that is that I don't live with you, but that'll change soon enough. Seriously, this day would be 1000x worse without you guys, just like it used to be.
I apologise for taking so long to essentially say that I'm a pathetic wimp. I'll get on with the rest. Although you probably won't want to read that either.
First Lesson - Janina
Naturally I started the day trying to keep myself together enough so that it was barely noticeable that I was completely miserable. It didn't work very well. Anyway, Janina's lesson today wasn't that exciting to be honest with you. We had to argue about racism, but we weren't given free reign, no no. We had to argue base on criteria, that being that we either ban right-wing groups or that's not the answer. I went with the fact that banning right-wing groups wouldn't make a difference to anything, and in fact the only way of stopping racism is to educate people properly, as opposed to all the anti-Nazi crap we get taught in school, or the anti-black stuff we frequently read about in the news. That's my opinion though. Also, in breakfast, Josh and I were talking to one of the OFfice of STudent EDucation inspectors (I totally just worked that out. No one else has worked it out) and he turned out to be quite a nice guy, and really likes our school. You know what though? Of all the slagging off we do about this school, when you're talking to some guy about it, you realise that you're actually in a top-class place and wouldn't be anywhere else.
Second Lesson - DT
"Oh I need something to do... I know, I'll clean the table! That's what women are good at." Lottie Rand on... did she just put herself in her place while I was doing all the man stuff?
That's the quote of the day right there. And by man stuff I mean cutting and filing metal so that it looks smooth and is the perfect size. The real man cares about attention to detail. I'm the real man. This lesson didn't really cheer me up though, since I was, for the most part, completely alone and therefore thinking. Thinking is never good for me. Although some of my mediocre ideas come from thinking. My best ones are always spontaneous though.
Third Lesson - Deutsch
Fortunately I had my Dukey and Jed (no one owns Jed) this lesson and we were tasked with a translation exercise. It wasn't all that difficult and as a team we did pretty well. I can't remember enough to go into detail, so I won't. After that though, we watched some of a video about the Berliner Mauer, which was pretty cool.
Fourth Lesson - Free
A simple lesson starting with a really nice chat from various members of my Real Family. This was a nice respite from all the misery earlier in the day, and raised my spirits a little. I managed to help out Maisie a bit with her coursework, despite the fact that I don't know the first thing about [insert subject here]. I didn't really pay attention. I then decided to a bit of work of my own. The Physics lot then came out and a Joshi joined us, but after a little while fucked off to go and see what Dallamore was doing. One by one, wait, hold on...
Fifth Lesson - Free
One by one people left, and then some more accumulated. They left in a huge group though, leaving me completely alone. I then dipped back into misery hole numero uno when I decided that I should get some Media work done. I needed someone to talk to at this point, because I couldn't cope loneliness anymore and decided to pack my things, sort out what I actually need to do for media and then bloody find someone. However, everyone was either in the library playing bloody Scrabble or with Josh larking about with his bloody laser pen. I found me a Natalie eventually and asked her what needed to be done for the Media work I should've done the previous week. Now I know. It would seem that all the work Ms Mankiewicz has set for us is pointless and irrelevant. Surprise, surprise. I then found me a Josh and a Jed, who aren't ideal people to talk to about 'stuff' but otherwise good company and therefore fine. Josh asked me at least twice what was wrong, but as I am with myself, I'm not good at telling people anything so didn't really give a formulated response. My Joe then joined us and the rest of the day kind of happened. I've just lost all motivation to continue remembering shit, so I won't.
I apologise with deepest sincerity at how awfully awful this post has been. If I was in any right frame of mind then this wouldn't even be posted, but since it's Thursday's turn I kind of had to. Besides, you guys have a right to know what goes on in my head. This is me speaking as if only you lot read this blog, but I seem to have forgotten that the whole world reads this thing now. Shit a brick on a stick. But wait, I haven't finished yet.
1900 - Now
I'll you bloody what, lad, alcohol is just great. It's like great and shit. Uhh... Oh, this is a blag. I mean blog. That's what I mean and shit. So, what was I saying? Yeah, my fingers are typing by themselves, it doesn't really feel like I'm controlling them because they're doing everything perfectly and I'm in no frame of mind to be doing anything with precision. That said I won a game of pool against Luke, so it's cool and all that shit and wank.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, we went to the Briars for mine and Hoier's first legal drinking sessions. That's a vital bit of information. You must understand this. Do you understand it yet? Good, let's move on. Because I'm like all shitted in the Kopf and shit. I do apologise in the most gratuitous manner, for I appear to be using my writing talents to formulate sentences that don't make any sense at all. You know what? Sentences need to make sense. You see the connection between the two words? I know right, it's really cool. Anyway, what was I saying. Yeah, essentially we went to the Briars and drank lots of alcoholic beverages. Hahahaha, Joe's going to have a huge hangover tomorrow. He was so pissed! Speaking of pissed, I have a really weak bladder. I went to the Toilette 5mal! Ich weiss! That's weak, dude, man, bro. I can't feel my cheeks.
Some of you might say that I did this to kind of forget that this is like a crappy day for me, and you'd be right about that. I've completely forgotten about it and shit.
Uh... oh yeah, Bekah was there, but she didn't stay for very long because she has an exam. You know what's funny? My head is like a typewriter right now. Seriously, I start a sentence with my head hanging left, and then at the end of the sentence it's hanging right! How cool is that?
So, Josh and Maisie were also there. They're pretty cool people. Maisie was willing to buy alcohol for us. But then again, so was everyone else. I forgot my ID though. Then again, my ID is a 5 year old passport, and is therefore not good to me at all. Damn that thing to hell, I say. Anyway, Dukey was also there, but he was the designated driver so didn't drink and therefore what he said made sense. His thoughts were cognitive. It's crazy stuff. Oh yeah, Joshi taught me how to play pool properly. I say that, but I already knew how to do it and almost kicked his arse. Almost. I did, however, kick Luke's arse. Hahahaha. Harry and Westie were also there for a little while, but they didn't get drunk either. Apparently Westie did some pretty cool pool tricks, but I didn't see them, so I don't care. Uh... Oh yeah, Joe was there and he just got so fucked in the ass by a ... green giant. You should've seen it. It was horrific. Tom was the important guest though in our little tavern, because it was his birthday, but it was celebrating my birthday as well so screw him and his tight anus. I don't know if he has a tight anus, but I assume that no man has touched him so he's cool down there. I say cool, but I don't know if he has the occasional curry or not. He probably does.
I won pool. While drunk. With one hand behind my back. Because you see, when you play pool, one hand is behind your back while you make the shot anyway! Oh-ho! I'm a comical genius.
Right, I need to do work. It's far too late for work. No, me, I must do this or I'll be a bad person. Aw come on! I'm serial about this, lad. Fine. I'll do that. Hehehe, Ms Mankybitch is going to get some funny work in the morning.
Anyway, you're all wonderful and I love you and if I don't end up living with you then I'm going to kill a lot of people. When I say a lot, I mean I instantly thought of Japanese people. I have no idea why, because they're not a threat. Not like the Chinese.
Uh... Goodbye.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Salute to Stupidity
"Smooth and rounded, but with a sleek sharp edge, like a watermelon giving birth to a Katana." Josh Hilton on RichChief's new Blip player
"I have the Jews!" Peter H on which countries have viewed his blog. Incidentally it was Israel, and when I said this to Dukey he was completely taken aback and had no idea what I was talking about. Then he understood a moment later and it was fine.
"*Pants with eyes closed like squinty Asian dog*" Josh Hilton on it really doesn't matter, just roll with it.
Hilton: *Nokia theme tune* Oh that's me, sorry.
Hello, Dukey's amusing parts...
You're where...?
You did what...?
To whom...?
She never...?
Okay, I'll see you later... yeah, buh-bye.
Dukey, your funny just called me.
Duke: Really, where is it?
Hilton: You'll never guess where it is.
Duke: I need that asshole back here.
Chatting up just isn't the same without out.
You're right, I'll never guess where it is.
Hilton: Well there's good news and there's bad news.
The good news is, that your funny tested negative for Venereal Diseases
Hutch: It has gonorrhoea doesn't it?
Hilton: Oh SNAP!
Great minds... but I digress
The bad news is that after going to a model village slightly outside Lancaster because it thought it would be a good first date for it and a disabled chick (no stairs)
It arrived at said mini-village and decided that pretending to be Godzilla was a fantastic idea.
Duke: Yeah... he texted me a picture of his flaccid penis
He wanted me to know that he was thinking of me -.-
Hilton: So turned on was the disabled chick that she regained the power to walk and see, and stood up to go and rape it, although let's face it, it wouldn't have been rape...
Anyways, this blind chick stands up, but she got her tail caught in the brake of the wheelchar.
So the wheelchair flies like, 20ft in the air, and tears off the disabled chick's tail.
She whelps in agony and falls forward and crushes Chucky Cheese Hamburgers
and he can't take his eyes off this now tailed wheelchair falling towards him.
She stands up, well she's broken both legs, probably needs hospital treatment, but stand up on wobbly broken disabled Japanese legs.
He makes the classic mistake you hear about so often a hospitals of just tripping and falling into her vagina whilst a model building finds its way into his dilated rectum.
And then, after he's just recovered enough to realize he's lost his virginity to a Japanese invalid, the tailed wheelchair comes flying down and crushes her into three pieces.
In agony over the loss of his new love, he runs from the model village to the pier overlooking the sea just after the minigolf course and left, and stands on the end of the pier ready to drown himself, when the spirit of his recently deceased wife rises up from under the waves and calls him a necrophiliac.
He goes possum on her ass and plays dead, and so afraid he's met the same fate as her, she uses her dead Japanese person power to teleport him to Kettering General. He got himself tested in case he'd caught something, but he was VD Free luckily. On the downside his Urinary Tract is flaring again, and Doctor Kawasaki has given him some antobiotics. All's well that ends well I guess
Does teacg us a certain moral though. Walking through a model village pretending to be Godzilla when there are Japanese people nearby almost never ends well.
And as far as I can tell, the only factual inaccuracy is that you humour changed from androgenous to a he halfway... any questions.
Duke: *raises hand*
Hilton: Yes, Peter
Duke: Sir...
... da fuck?
Hilton: Ask him, his story...
I may have gotten a little carried away...
“You should get up in the middle of your exam and start praying. You can use your exam paper as a mat. Use your face to prove that you’re French-Arabian.” Peter Duke and Joe Hadden on Harry Simpson
“Wookie leaks, that’s how the Empire found Kashyyk” Peter Duke on Wiki-leaks
"Sheikh Harry Robert Ballbag Omar Al-Simpson the Third" Harry's new name.
“You know what I hate as a Muslim?” “Bothans?” “Yeah!” “Many Bothans died to bring us this information.” Us quoting on Harry's musliminity
“Jedi ghosts have very simple pleasures. Like walking into the female changing room and not being noticed.” Harry Simpson on dead Jedi
“Leopards know no bounds” Joe Hadden on the Biology paper
“I’m going to make an app so you can take a picture of someone you think is a terrorist and then it runs it through a database.” Harry Simpson on new apps
“Stop writing down what I say!” Everyone on glaring at me
“I apologise, but I have to do it.” Peter H on I'm not stopping
“Do you know what, Hutchy? You remind me of a shit I once took.” Josh Hilton on does it even matter now?
“Hutchy, you are a truly wonderful and fantastic person and I love you and want to have your babies. Banana cock” Josh Hilton on well... actually, I misquoted him.
“Beep boop beep” Josh Hilton pretending to be Cleveland D2
“Jesus came from the banana. Hutch will never be able to get all of this.” You're right. I didn't.
“Hutchy, Harry apparently lost his virginity twice to a Japanese invalid.” Peter Duke on Harry Simpson
“Ich bin gemacht mit Deutsch” “Gemacht? *giggle* Getan, maybe” Peter H and Josh Hilton on German grammar
“Do you think she has a domain called dot hodge?” Peter H on Dorothy Hodgkin, the inventor of insulin
"Do you want to go to Morrison's and do some shopping?" The spontaneous new bus driver on why the hell have you turned around to talk to little kids when you're DRIVING. Every time you do that we almost die.
"We're through!" The spontaneous new bus driver on did we just run a red light in the slowest vehicle on the planet? I'm serious, this guy is going to get us killed. He doesn't know what the purpose of speed bumps is; he sees it more as a challenge to see how far he can get the wheels off the ground.
"Surely Sophia is your Pole?" Peter H on Luke said "This is my pole" while clutching a pole.
"Look, Hutchy, I have zinc in my pocket." Josh on zinc in his pocket. "We could coat steel in it and make bins." Peter H on apparently this was the single most hilarious thing I've ever said to Josh about zinc ever. Heather found it funny too. I honestly don't see why, but I was pretty much ordered to put it here. If you find it funny, then I must be a secret comedy genius when I'm trying not to be a comic genius.
I shall endeavour to carry this on later.
"I have the Jews!" Peter H on which countries have viewed his blog. Incidentally it was Israel, and when I said this to Dukey he was completely taken aback and had no idea what I was talking about. Then he understood a moment later and it was fine.
"*Pants with eyes closed like squinty Asian dog*" Josh Hilton on it really doesn't matter, just roll with it.
Hilton: *Nokia theme tune* Oh that's me, sorry.
Hello, Dukey's amusing parts...
You're where...?
You did what...?
To whom...?
She never...?
Okay, I'll see you later... yeah, buh-bye.
Dukey, your funny just called me.
Duke: Really, where is it?
Hilton: You'll never guess where it is.
Duke: I need that asshole back here.
Chatting up just isn't the same without out.
You're right, I'll never guess where it is.
Hilton: Well there's good news and there's bad news.
The good news is, that your funny tested negative for Venereal Diseases
Hutch: It has gonorrhoea doesn't it?
Hilton: Oh SNAP!
Great minds... but I digress
The bad news is that after going to a model village slightly outside Lancaster because it thought it would be a good first date for it and a disabled chick (no stairs)
It arrived at said mini-village and decided that pretending to be Godzilla was a fantastic idea.
Duke: Yeah... he texted me a picture of his flaccid penis
He wanted me to know that he was thinking of me -.-
Hilton: So turned on was the disabled chick that she regained the power to walk and see, and stood up to go and rape it, although let's face it, it wouldn't have been rape...
Anyways, this blind chick stands up, but she got her tail caught in the brake of the wheelchar.
So the wheelchair flies like, 20ft in the air, and tears off the disabled chick's tail.
She whelps in agony and falls forward and crushes Chucky Cheese Hamburgers
and he can't take his eyes off this now tailed wheelchair falling towards him.
She stands up, well she's broken both legs, probably needs hospital treatment, but stand up on wobbly broken disabled Japanese legs.
He makes the classic mistake you hear about so often a hospitals of just tripping and falling into her vagina whilst a model building finds its way into his dilated rectum.
And then, after he's just recovered enough to realize he's lost his virginity to a Japanese invalid, the tailed wheelchair comes flying down and crushes her into three pieces.
In agony over the loss of his new love, he runs from the model village to the pier overlooking the sea just after the minigolf course and left, and stands on the end of the pier ready to drown himself, when the spirit of his recently deceased wife rises up from under the waves and calls him a necrophiliac.
He goes possum on her ass and plays dead, and so afraid he's met the same fate as her, she uses her dead Japanese person power to teleport him to Kettering General. He got himself tested in case he'd caught something, but he was VD Free luckily. On the downside his Urinary Tract is flaring again, and Doctor Kawasaki has given him some antobiotics. All's well that ends well I guess
Does teacg us a certain moral though. Walking through a model village pretending to be Godzilla when there are Japanese people nearby almost never ends well.
And as far as I can tell, the only factual inaccuracy is that you humour changed from androgenous to a he halfway... any questions.
Duke: *raises hand*
Hilton: Yes, Peter
Duke: Sir...
... da fuck?
Hilton: Ask him, his story...
I may have gotten a little carried away...
“You should get up in the middle of your exam and start praying. You can use your exam paper as a mat. Use your face to prove that you’re French-Arabian.” Peter Duke and Joe Hadden on Harry Simpson
“Wookie leaks, that’s how the Empire found Kashyyk” Peter Duke on Wiki-leaks
"Sheikh Harry Robert Ballbag Omar Al-Simpson the Third" Harry's new name.
“You know what I hate as a Muslim?” “Bothans?” “Yeah!” “Many Bothans died to bring us this information.” Us quoting on Harry's musliminity
“Jedi ghosts have very simple pleasures. Like walking into the female changing room and not being noticed.” Harry Simpson on dead Jedi
“Leopards know no bounds” Joe Hadden on the Biology paper
“I’m going to make an app so you can take a picture of someone you think is a terrorist and then it runs it through a database.” Harry Simpson on new apps
“Stop writing down what I say!” Everyone on glaring at me
“I apologise, but I have to do it.” Peter H on I'm not stopping
“Do you know what, Hutchy? You remind me of a shit I once took.” Josh Hilton on does it even matter now?
“Hutchy, you are a truly wonderful and fantastic person and I love you and want to have your babies. Banana cock” Josh Hilton on well... actually, I misquoted him.
“Beep boop beep” Josh Hilton pretending to be Cleveland D2
“Jesus came from the banana. Hutch will never be able to get all of this.” You're right. I didn't.
“Hutchy, Harry apparently lost his virginity twice to a Japanese invalid.” Peter Duke on Harry Simpson
“Ich bin gemacht mit Deutsch” “Gemacht? *giggle* Getan, maybe” Peter H and Josh Hilton on German grammar
“Do you think she has a domain called dot hodge?” Peter H on Dorothy Hodgkin, the inventor of insulin
"Do you want to go to Morrison's and do some shopping?" The spontaneous new bus driver on why the hell have you turned around to talk to little kids when you're DRIVING. Every time you do that we almost die.
"We're through!" The spontaneous new bus driver on did we just run a red light in the slowest vehicle on the planet? I'm serious, this guy is going to get us killed. He doesn't know what the purpose of speed bumps is; he sees it more as a challenge to see how far he can get the wheels off the ground.
"Surely Sophia is your Pole?" Peter H on Luke said "This is my pole" while clutching a pole.
"Look, Hutchy, I have zinc in my pocket." Josh on zinc in his pocket. "We could coat steel in it and make bins." Peter H on apparently this was the single most hilarious thing I've ever said to Josh about zinc ever. Heather found it funny too. I honestly don't see why, but I was pretty much ordered to put it here. If you find it funny, then I must be a secret comedy genius when I'm trying not to be a comic genius.
I shall endeavour to carry this on later.
Barn Dance Madness
Right, tonight I got to sample my very first barn dance. Yeah, you know that thing where people wear large-rimmed hats and checked shirts and link arms and spin around the room a lot? Yeah, that. I did that.
But first I'd like to talk about the Green Hornet. My Luke, my Dallamore and my I went to go and see that on Friday because we could and I have a lot of money right now. Frankly, I thought it was quite good. Some of the camera work was questionable, but it was made up for the fact that it was filmed for a bigger screen, and was filmed specifically in 3D. I'm just saying I would have done some of the shots differently, and some things looked out of proportion. But I suppose that's just the 3D messing with my mind. Anyway, I do recommend it if you enjoy films with lots of guns and explosions and Asians that kick loads of ass. And I mean loads.
So yes, the barn dances to start all barn dances. I would've said end, but this was only my first and I reckon I could probably fit at least one more in my life, so it's not an end to anything and thus it's the start. When Bekah and I arrived the lot of us were standing in a huge circle right in front of the door. There were quite a few of us, so I won't go through who was there. But yeah, chatting started, I got a high-five for my waistcoat and then Joshi, Dukey and Maisie turned up. This wasn't just your normal turning up either. Joshi decided to wear a moustache and a beard with aviators and a large hat. This struck me as odd. He looked Mexican, but he's Chinese and cowboys are American. Therefore he was third-caste. I've never come across a third-caste before, but Joshi managed to do it. Well done. Naturally he got all the attention from the older women during the night. Haha.
EDIT: I don't normally use other people's photos, but I found this and felt like it was needed:
EDIT: I don't normally use other people's photos, but I found this and felt like it was needed:
Mexican-Chinese-American. Courtesy of Westie.
So, the first dance came up and we were all super excited about it. It was all like "yeah, find partner, stay with partner" but then the guy was like "Change partner!" and then I was all like "Shit, if this continues then in about three changes I'll be with that old woman!" I know that sounds childish, but old people smell like moth balls, and that's not a very nice smell. A person should not smell like a disused wardrobe. So yeah, after that I was put off by dancing, and the most part of us went outside to have a cool off. I'm sure something significant happened, but I'm not a genius and can't be bothered to remember. All I remember is that when everybody left it was Luke, me and Sophia left and I decided to leave them, making various gestures to Luke, but then I was like "Hold on, I can't let them do that" and then went back out again saying "Only joking! I'm not going to let you do that" and it was all very funny and inappropriate.
I then took a lot of pictures, videoed a dance which will be on Facebook this time I promise because I purposefully kept the camera above chest height this time. It occurs to me that you probably have no idea why I said that but I also apparently don't care. Just read back to New Year and that'll tell you all about it. Jesus, New Year was only 23 days ago but it seems like a billion years ago. So much stuff has happened since then. Damn. Anyway, I'm going off topic.
Uh, oh, I suppose I should show you this:
It only took him a day to grow that beast.
And now I've lost all sense of what point in the night I'd gotten to. Was there anything else going on that evening? Hmm...
"I've just realised that a barn dance is speed dating for hill-billies" - Andrew Nunn on barn dances
"It's essentially bigamy without the commitment" - Peter H on barn dances
"Hutchy, will you come up and get food with me?" - Joshie Quach on food that we may or may not have to pay for, but it turned out that we didn't
Those are just a few of the hilarious quotes from that night. Okay, you're right, I'm stalling because I don't want to talk about the final dance just yet. The chilli was delicious though. Ooh!
"I'm just saying that there's a nice bush over there if you uh..." Peter H to Luke and Sophia
"Hey, I'm here and I'm going to be inappropriate all night." Peter H to Luke and Sophia
Personally, I quite liked those quotes. They're pretty good. So, I guess I'd better do this last dance thing I've been talking so much about. I've built up all the suspense and now your hopes and dreams of this awesome climax are now going to go rushing down the drain because I'm not the brilliant writer you think I am, and I won't do it justice.
So, we were trying to organise our coupling. I was with Bekah and we needed four other couples. We had our group, but unfortunately it was whittled down so that there were only two of us couples left in the group. I felt sorry for Little Imo at this point, because she'd been thrown in with Thomas Leach. Fuck, he doesn't read this blog does he? Leachy's a great guy. Whew, got out of that one. So anyway, we needed three more couples so our eyes darted towards Luke and Sophia, who thought that they were going to get away with a quiet shag in the corner. But not this time. I started for them, chased them out into the parking lot. I believe Dallamore caught Luke, but Sophia had run off. I went all Terminator on her ass at this point. She was running really quickly around the cars while I was calmly strolling, managing to keep up with her. Yes, I did just say that going Terminator meant calmly strolling after the victim who is running as fast as her little legs can move her as opposed to blowing her brains out with a Model-1887 sawn-off shotgun. Leachy ran out and told me that it was about to begin, so I gave up and went back inside, where our group had picked up three other couples. All was well... then they gave us the instructions. Before every dance came the instructions on how to do it. This dance seemed to completely fuck with our heads, because after three attempts at explaining it to us, we didn't understand at all. Although I only think I didn't understand because Thomas Leach was doing it completely wrong. That said, when the dance finally started we just about got it right. Leach managed to fuck up a bit, but when it was mine and Bekah's turn to twist and turn our way down the line, we showed them all how it was fucking done. Yeah.
"I don't know if it's possible to pwn in a dance, but I just fucking did it." Peter H to Luke and Sophia on the dance I just did
And with that being that, after a group photo it was time to embark for our homesteads. Thank you, Dallamore, for having this awesome event. We should do it again some time ;)
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Waistcoat Wednesday
Yeah, I know it's not next week yet, but I simply couldn't miss out writing about my first Waistcoat Wednesday. Besides it being Waistcoat Wednesday, it was also an awesome day, so naturally I had to write about it. It's just one of those days, y'know?
Erste Stunde - Deutsch
In diese Stunde hatte ich meine Sprechen-Prufung. Es war nicht so schlecht nach meine Ansicht. Ich ging im 'Boardroom Anex' und I can't be bothered to do the rest nach Deutsch. Grundsaetzlich musste ich fuer 15 Minuten ueber doofen Themen. Halt ein. Ich spreche noch Deutsch. Hmm. Das ist cool. I must apologise to everyone who can't read German. Also, I must apologise to the people who do speak German because I'm almost certain there are some spelling errors in there. Don't talk to me about grammar errors though, because you know that I don't give a damn about sentence fragments. We use them all the time in speech, so why the hell not on mein Blog? Also, it must be stated that Becca managed to make a German pun before the start of the lesson. Joe asked me when/if I had an exam, and so I replied "nine" as you do if you think someone is asking what the time is. Becca then giggled a lot and then made the pun. I'm not even going to write down what the pun was, because it was actually quite awful. It warranted a "haha" from me, but nothing more. FYI, "nein" is your clue.
Second Lesson - Media
Once again we had to actually do a lesson. Actually do a lesson. It wasn't the worst thing to happen, because the lesson went so quickly. Miss T basically got us to write up all of the things we learned/improved upon while using digital technology over the last two years. That's a lot. Actually a lot. Actually a lot, though. I didn't find it all that difficult or strenuous though, so I managed to finish before the end of the lesson and Miss T was all like "Ah, but you didn't talk about how you used the internet" but that'll take five minutes so I'll do it three minutes before the start of the next Media lesson. 'Cause that's the way I roll.
Third Lesson - Free
This lesson was kind of weird. I found my Luke and my Dallamore and my Sophia. This was cool but... hold on... *SPOILER ALERT* ... but Luke and Sophia were holding hands. At first I passed this off as the same sort of thing that was happening yesterday with all the closeness, but then arms went places and did stuff and then I was all like 0.0 and then Hoier walked past us and he was all like :S *random pointing* so my suspicions started to raise at this point. After our trip to the library everything was confirmed and everyone shouted "called it!" but we didn't really call it, and it was still a little bit of a shock. A mild, dampened shock, but a shock none-the-less. Anyway, after all that Dallamore and I were like "Should we kiss to break the tension?" but that managed to break the tension anyway. Oh, by the way, there was only tension because we were completely surrounding by couple-ism. After we took Maisie to lunch we ended up in the Lecture Theatre to do nothing. I took some paparazzi shots of Luke and Sophia doing it at the back of the theatre. Want to look?
They weren't expecting it, bless them. Anyway, then I managed to get some footage of Luke and Quach having a pretend sword-fight to the Pirates of the Caribbean theme, and I must say I'm a damn good cameraman. I shall endeavour to Facebook it, but normally I can't be arsed. Also, today, just to mark it as the first official one for me, this picture was taken.
Oh, that's what my hair looks like now. Yeah, I'm tall and ginger now. Apparently all that hair was weighing me down. I'm joking, I'm actually on the far right. How did you fall for that?
Oh, by the way Luke and Sophia, if you wanted to keep YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP on the down-low so that everybody doesn't START TALKING ABOUT IT and ASKING YOU LOTS OF AWKWARD QUESTIONS then I'm sorry, but I've totally ruined that for you. Like, completely. COMPLETELY.
Fourth Lesson - Teaching
Yeah, I feel all blogged out now if I'm honest. I used a lot of my blogging in that last lesson because it was totally scandalous and shit. But, I shall soldier on and make the rest at least half as awesome as that. This lesson was kind of a no-brainer for me. The kids today were making their basic CD racks, and I got to oversee this and help out where I could. Of course, when Mrs Wright says that I'd be willing to help, the kids see this as an opportunity to try and get me to do their work for them. But I'm made of some pretty tough stuff, and only ever told them what to do. Yeah, the only time I actually did anything was when I got bored of watching them fail time and time again at screwing a screw into a bit of wood, so I gave them a demonstration. I know, the kids of today are pretty retarded. Now I feel bad for saying that they're retarded. Only some of them are retarded. Anyway, because these kids don't know if touching the teacher's laptop is completely taboo or not, so I ended up in the computer room because one of the kids wanted to change the slide on the PowerPoint. I sighed and went in. Casey (the blondest girl in the world) pulled a Courtney on me and got me to help her with her work, but then wouldn't let me leave again. Since I was bored of helping the others, I chose to stay and help/chat. This was pretty much the standard until the end of the lesson. She's also threatening to Facebook me.
Fifth Lesson - DT
Hilton joined us this lesson so we could get a healthy dose of his take on worldly issues. I'm honestly running out of steam right now so I'm going to simply add this:
That's not my best drawing ever, but I'm tired and used up too much blog on the hot topic of the day. LUKE AND SOPHIA ARE TOTALLY A COUPLE NOW. Thought I'd put that in for good measure, just in case you didn't get that before.
Ciao.
Erste Stunde - Deutsch
In diese Stunde hatte ich meine Sprechen-Prufung. Es war nicht so schlecht nach meine Ansicht. Ich ging im 'Boardroom Anex' und I can't be bothered to do the rest nach Deutsch. Grundsaetzlich musste ich fuer 15 Minuten ueber doofen Themen. Halt ein. Ich spreche noch Deutsch. Hmm. Das ist cool. I must apologise to everyone who can't read German. Also, I must apologise to the people who do speak German because I'm almost certain there are some spelling errors in there. Don't talk to me about grammar errors though, because you know that I don't give a damn about sentence fragments. We use them all the time in speech, so why the hell not on mein Blog? Also, it must be stated that Becca managed to make a German pun before the start of the lesson. Joe asked me when/if I had an exam, and so I replied "nine" as you do if you think someone is asking what the time is. Becca then giggled a lot and then made the pun. I'm not even going to write down what the pun was, because it was actually quite awful. It warranted a "haha" from me, but nothing more. FYI, "nein" is your clue.
Second Lesson - Media
Once again we had to actually do a lesson. Actually do a lesson. It wasn't the worst thing to happen, because the lesson went so quickly. Miss T basically got us to write up all of the things we learned/improved upon while using digital technology over the last two years. That's a lot. Actually a lot. Actually a lot, though. I didn't find it all that difficult or strenuous though, so I managed to finish before the end of the lesson and Miss T was all like "Ah, but you didn't talk about how you used the internet" but that'll take five minutes so I'll do it three minutes before the start of the next Media lesson. 'Cause that's the way I roll.
Third Lesson - Free
This lesson was kind of weird. I found my Luke and my Dallamore and my Sophia. This was cool but... hold on... *SPOILER ALERT* ... but Luke and Sophia were holding hands. At first I passed this off as the same sort of thing that was happening yesterday with all the closeness, but then arms went places and did stuff and then I was all like 0.0 and then Hoier walked past us and he was all like :S *random pointing* so my suspicions started to raise at this point. After our trip to the library everything was confirmed and everyone shouted "called it!" but we didn't really call it, and it was still a little bit of a shock. A mild, dampened shock, but a shock none-the-less. Anyway, after all that Dallamore and I were like "Should we kiss to break the tension?" but that managed to break the tension anyway. Oh, by the way, there was only tension because we were completely surrounding by couple-ism. After we took Maisie to lunch we ended up in the Lecture Theatre to do nothing. I took some paparazzi shots of Luke and Sophia doing it at the back of the theatre. Want to look?
It's practically pornography.
They weren't expecting it, bless them. Anyway, then I managed to get some footage of Luke and Quach having a pretend sword-fight to the Pirates of the Caribbean theme, and I must say I'm a damn good cameraman. I shall endeavour to Facebook it, but normally I can't be arsed. Also, today, just to mark it as the first official one for me, this picture was taken.
You know you want some.
Oh, that's what my hair looks like now. Yeah, I'm tall and ginger now. Apparently all that hair was weighing me down. I'm joking, I'm actually on the far right. How did you fall for that?
Oh, by the way Luke and Sophia, if you wanted to keep YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP on the down-low so that everybody doesn't START TALKING ABOUT IT and ASKING YOU LOTS OF AWKWARD QUESTIONS then I'm sorry, but I've totally ruined that for you. Like, completely. COMPLETELY.
Fourth Lesson - Teaching
Yeah, I feel all blogged out now if I'm honest. I used a lot of my blogging in that last lesson because it was totally scandalous and shit. But, I shall soldier on and make the rest at least half as awesome as that. This lesson was kind of a no-brainer for me. The kids today were making their basic CD racks, and I got to oversee this and help out where I could. Of course, when Mrs Wright says that I'd be willing to help, the kids see this as an opportunity to try and get me to do their work for them. But I'm made of some pretty tough stuff, and only ever told them what to do. Yeah, the only time I actually did anything was when I got bored of watching them fail time and time again at screwing a screw into a bit of wood, so I gave them a demonstration. I know, the kids of today are pretty retarded. Now I feel bad for saying that they're retarded. Only some of them are retarded. Anyway, because these kids don't know if touching the teacher's laptop is completely taboo or not, so I ended up in the computer room because one of the kids wanted to change the slide on the PowerPoint. I sighed and went in. Casey (the blondest girl in the world) pulled a Courtney on me and got me to help her with her work, but then wouldn't let me leave again. Since I was bored of helping the others, I chose to stay and help/chat. This was pretty much the standard until the end of the lesson. She's also threatening to Facebook me.
Fifth Lesson - DT
Hilton joined us this lesson so we could get a healthy dose of his take on worldly issues. I'm honestly running out of steam right now so I'm going to simply add this:
Japanese Rainbow-Excrement Pigeon
That's not my best drawing ever, but I'm tired and used up too much blog on the hot topic of the day. LUKE AND SOPHIA ARE TOTALLY A COUPLE NOW. Thought I'd put that in for good measure, just in case you didn't get that before.
Ciao.
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Forgot My Keys Tuesday
And that's only the first highlight of the day.
First Lesson - Free
As stated, I'd forgotten my key, so had to hide my stuff in Josh's locker and Leachy's locker respectively. However, with my key comes my pen drive, my pen drive has all my work on it. I think you can see where I'm going with this. However, instead of being annoyed at myself for not having any work to do, I used this opportunity to do some uninterrupted German revision, and so that's exactly what I did. My exam is tomorrow you know, and I'm quite worried about it. Although it seems I'm not worried about it enough to warrant learning everything off by heart, since literally two-thirds of the exam has to be made up on the spot. You know what made it fun and a little easier to learn though? Imagining Becca reading it in her Australian accent. That was brilliant.
Second Lesson - DT
Today Mrs Ainsadultfemalecalf made us lot who're doing the resit do a mock exam. This mock exam worried me ever so slightly, because I've forgotten what nytonol is, but now I remember that it's the thing they use in self-ironing shirts and glasses' frames. So yeah, that's cool. All the while else the others were firing questions at me because they didn't know the answer themselves, so I guess it sucks to be them on Thursday while I waltz through that exam with my hands tied behind my back standing on my head in a bucket of lemon flavoured custard creams. I'm hungry.
Third Lesson - Free
So I found me a Luke and a Dallamore and we headed to the "lie-berry". Once in the library we found us a Duke and a Quach, but there weren't enough seats for all of us, so subsequently we ended running off into the science corridor, only to find that both study areas were booked, and by this time we couldn't be bothered checking the rest, so we went to the Lecture Theatre! I don't remember how we did it, but somehow we ended up with a Sophia and a Maisie as well. Unfortunately this lesson didn't do me any good because my German books weren't touched and instead we messed around. Quach was trying to organise a holiday in March, but March is a silly time for a holiday, especially since I'm going to Berlin in March. Oh well, apparently we need two 21 year olds, and apparently we don't know two 21 year olds so it's now not going to happen. To be honest, I don't mind at all because I don't want to spend a gratuitous amount of money to go somewhere when I can spend a significantly lower amount and be with the same people having just as much fun. Do you know what I am saying?
Fourth Lesson - Media
I actually did a lesson of Media. I know, I'm not free anymore. I'm actually expected to be in lessons now. While this is a little annoying, it does mean that now we're actually doing stuff towards our exam rather than me being lost in the dark about what to do. That said though, it's not all that difficult, it just requires me to know everything I've done over the last two years, which I do, because I did it. I have a t-shirt to prove it. Okay, no I don't, but you get my point.
Fifth Lesson - Free
This is when it was announced that the holiday wouldn't be happening, but that didn't stop a huge discussion about it. I agree that it's a nice idea, and I want nothing more, but I now have the money to spend liberally on myself, so I don't want to blow all of it for one week in some place I've never been to before, if what I'm going for is the company (and that's exactly why I'd want to go away for a week) as opposed to legal cannabis or strange hula dancing. The point is, we could all just go on like a three hour drive to Great Yarmouth, which is a significant distance away and will cost next to nothing. Don't get me wrong, I wish I went on all my sight-seeing/walking/biking/every other holiday with my friends, and I would definitely do it if I had the money. But what I don't have is a big pocket full of Pinke-Pinke. But you know, that's my opinion. I also got Joe to read my epic tale Ein Schlag an die Tuer. It's brilliant, and he thought so too.
Anyway, that's me done for the day. Tomorrow is meine deutsche Pruefung. Sigh. It's only a half hour exam though, so it shouldn't be that bad. It's going to be terrible. But not that bad. Eugh, I wish I was better at Deutsch. Ich kann die ganze schreibende Dinge machen aber nicht der sprechende Teil.
I'm sure I'll be in touch soon.
First Lesson - Free
As stated, I'd forgotten my key, so had to hide my stuff in Josh's locker and Leachy's locker respectively. However, with my key comes my pen drive, my pen drive has all my work on it. I think you can see where I'm going with this. However, instead of being annoyed at myself for not having any work to do, I used this opportunity to do some uninterrupted German revision, and so that's exactly what I did. My exam is tomorrow you know, and I'm quite worried about it. Although it seems I'm not worried about it enough to warrant learning everything off by heart, since literally two-thirds of the exam has to be made up on the spot. You know what made it fun and a little easier to learn though? Imagining Becca reading it in her Australian accent. That was brilliant.
Second Lesson - DT
Today Mrs Ainsadultfemalecalf made us lot who're doing the resit do a mock exam. This mock exam worried me ever so slightly, because I've forgotten what nytonol is, but now I remember that it's the thing they use in self-ironing shirts and glasses' frames. So yeah, that's cool. All the while else the others were firing questions at me because they didn't know the answer themselves, so I guess it sucks to be them on Thursday while I waltz through that exam with my hands tied behind my back standing on my head in a bucket of lemon flavoured custard creams. I'm hungry.
Third Lesson - Free
So I found me a Luke and a Dallamore and we headed to the "lie-berry". Once in the library we found us a Duke and a Quach, but there weren't enough seats for all of us, so subsequently we ended running off into the science corridor, only to find that both study areas were booked, and by this time we couldn't be bothered checking the rest, so we went to the Lecture Theatre! I don't remember how we did it, but somehow we ended up with a Sophia and a Maisie as well. Unfortunately this lesson didn't do me any good because my German books weren't touched and instead we messed around. Quach was trying to organise a holiday in March, but March is a silly time for a holiday, especially since I'm going to Berlin in March. Oh well, apparently we need two 21 year olds, and apparently we don't know two 21 year olds so it's now not going to happen. To be honest, I don't mind at all because I don't want to spend a gratuitous amount of money to go somewhere when I can spend a significantly lower amount and be with the same people having just as much fun. Do you know what I am saying?
Fourth Lesson - Media
I actually did a lesson of Media. I know, I'm not free anymore. I'm actually expected to be in lessons now. While this is a little annoying, it does mean that now we're actually doing stuff towards our exam rather than me being lost in the dark about what to do. That said though, it's not all that difficult, it just requires me to know everything I've done over the last two years, which I do, because I did it. I have a t-shirt to prove it. Okay, no I don't, but you get my point.
Fifth Lesson - Free
This is when it was announced that the holiday wouldn't be happening, but that didn't stop a huge discussion about it. I agree that it's a nice idea, and I want nothing more, but I now have the money to spend liberally on myself, so I don't want to blow all of it for one week in some place I've never been to before, if what I'm going for is the company (and that's exactly why I'd want to go away for a week) as opposed to legal cannabis or strange hula dancing. The point is, we could all just go on like a three hour drive to Great Yarmouth, which is a significant distance away and will cost next to nothing. Don't get me wrong, I wish I went on all my sight-seeing/walking/biking/every other holiday with my friends, and I would definitely do it if I had the money. But what I don't have is a big pocket full of Pinke-Pinke. But you know, that's my opinion. I also got Joe to read my epic tale Ein Schlag an die Tuer. It's brilliant, and he thought so too.
Anyway, that's me done for the day. Tomorrow is meine deutsche Pruefung. Sigh. It's only a half hour exam though, so it shouldn't be that bad. It's going to be terrible. But not that bad. Eugh, I wish I was better at Deutsch. Ich kann die ganze schreibende Dinge machen aber nicht der sprechende Teil.
I'm sure I'll be in touch soon.
Monday, 17 January 2011
Well, Well, Well
Hey, I'm 18 now. That's pretty cool, right?
First off, I'm going to get this out of the way.
Thomas Leach - happy birthday mate :)
David Weston - Happy Birthday! :3
Máire Beatty - Happy birthday :)
Bradley Leadbitter - Happy birthday man! :D
Aimee Goodall - Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy dear Hutchy
Mashed potatoes and stew :D
- Bekah Hadley - i swear that's not how it goes
- Aimee Goodall - Well the real alternative involved flushing his head down the loo :(
Mairaid McKinney - Happy birthday :D x
Hannah Sneddon - Happy birthday =) xx
Eve McIntyre - Happy birthday Peterrrr :)
Callum Steedman - Happy bday G-dogg have a good one braaaaaah
Beth Malloy - Happy Birthday :D xx
Amber Powell - happy birthday :)
Sean Stanley - Happy birthday, Have a great day
Lauren Nichols - happy birthday !
Simone Smyth - Happy Birthday! :)
Sophia Haden - Happy Birthday Piotr, hope it's a good one :D x
Gemma Muir - Happy Birthday :))
Barbara Truman - Happy Birthday Hutchy :)
Jess Loader - Happy birthday Hutch :) xx
Okay, so the count so far is 18 (ironic, huh?) so I did this.
Peter Hutchinson - Aren't I popular? ;) Thanks for all the birthday messages.
- Becca Cross, David Weston, Peter Duke and 3 others like this.
This was quite late in the afternoon, so I thought I was pretty much done. Then this happened.
Deromi Jessiman - Happy Birthday P-Dawg! x
John Alven - Happy Birthday!
Laura Squinge Mackay - Happy birthday :)
Caitlin Boydon-Jones - happy birthday :) x
Bekah Hadley - happy birthday hutchy!! hope today is at least a quarter as good as yesterday lol. hope you're free later for some JC, perfect way to celebrate turning 18 with the brotherhood : )
Paul McHutchison - Happy birthday! :)
Zakariya Faroow - happy birthday buddy!! i hope you get some sense and put spokes on the bike!!!
Becca Cross - Happy Birthday my dapper chappy! That makes 29 happy birthdays so far btw. :)
Brendan Farrell - Happy Birthday. :)
Lizzy Downey - Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Lauren Albrecht - Happpppppy Bday again!
Heather McIntyre - Happy birthday
You'll notice how the ones in bold are the most imaginative ones. I was planning on doing a "There were this many smiley faces" but then I realised that I can't be fucked. There are too many. I'll tell you what though, if Facebook meant anything in the way of attraction, then I'm going to take all of these messages and realise that I'm going to have sex with a lot of attractive women this year. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and I do actually have to get off my backside and work for it... or do I? *types in www.fixmeupwithahotchickfromweststoke.com* You know what? That looks like even more effort than getting off my backside.
Also, I'm going to throw in this message from my phone for good measure.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR PETERRR,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
Hope you had a great time last night and have a good day today!"
- Lauren Albrecht
That's what I woke up to. I've never been shouted at in a text message before, and needless to say it shocked me somewhat, but I enjoyed it. It was thoughtful and not cliché.
Anyway, because I've just updated my Facebook pictures, let's skip back to Friday. More specifically, Luke's cat.
That was nice, wasn't it? Anyway, here are the cards that made me laugh.
Those were fun cards weren't they? I think Becca bought me this card purely because she found it hilarious. Speaking of Becca's card, take a look at what she wrote on the inside.
Yes, caption, that is nice indeed. I'll tell you what, if it weren't for Becca and all of you guys spontaneously doing things for my birthday, then it would've been crap again. My 17th wasn't bad, but before that was dire.
Anyway, I'm sure you're dying to know what actually happened on my birthday. You know, my actual birthday and not the pre-birthdays that I had. Well, essentially this happened.
That cake was delicious, and I quite like that hip flask too. What basically happened was that my great-auntie and uncle came over. These are those relatives that I don't mind being related to, as I stated in a previous entry. Not much to report happened really, and to be honest if I wasn't perked up by the previous days' activities then I'd have been pretty bored and annoyed.
So, what did I get out of all of this? Well, perhaps I'll show you.
Stuff indeed. Look at all that money, and the Chinese beer, and that Rolling Stones shirt and the hip flask! That's pretty much what I got, bar another shirt from Becca. I would tell you how much money there is, but I think I added to it today. £265? Something like that. For me, that's a lot of money in one go. I've never had that much ever just lying around. And that's what it's doing until it gets put in the bank. I mean, it's already in the bank and you can't touch it. You won't find it, Joe!
I'll tell you what, now that I'm 18 things have changed. Oh bollocks, I forgot to put my waistcoat in that picture. Sorry, that was off-topic. Yeah, now that I'm 18 I can legally drink, smoke, go everywhere and do everything and during this year I'll be moving out of my house and going to Uni. That will be epic. I mean, it will mean leaving all the regular Real Family outings and Brotherhood JC nights, but all that will still happen. And let's face it, I'm a great guy and I'll make a billion new friends, so I don't think I'll be lonely. And if I am, then I'll have Becca across town. Woo!
So they're the changes. Quach also mentioned now that I'm 18, I seem to be a lot happier. I don't know what it is exactly, because I've only been 18 for 47 hours, but apparently I'm happier. That's a good thing.
I think I'm running out of things to say, quite frankly. OH YEAH!
Last night the Brotherhood decided to get together for my birthday and have the best JC night EVER. The House of Monkeys is quite possibly the most ludicrous thing I've ever seen. If you've seen it, then you'll know what I'm saying. There's a gorilla that uses the toilet. Is there anything better in life? I KNOW! Anyway, I have to thank these two for hanging out with me in the evening, otherwise I'd have probably resorted to the Xbox. That wouldn't have been great. No offence to the Xbox, I enjoy playing it, but it's more of a time waster than a time user, if you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? You should know what I'm saying because IT'S WRITTEN RIGHT HERE. Whoa, I'm sorry.
Anyway, I have a lot of thank you's to give out right now.
Thank you to Hilton, Leach, Josh+Maisie, Aimee and whoever else gave me money for giving me money, I'm sure I'll put that to good use.
Thank you to Quach for that Chinese beer. I haven't opened it yet, but I'd rather do that with you there just so you can appreciate my thank you even more.
Thank you to Bekah for paying for my new awesome hair cut and for having a huge house with the JC box set and a 90's TV.
Thank you to Joe for the awesome waistcoat and for organising the JC night last night.
Thank you to Luke and Dukey who ferried everyone around on Friday night so we could go and see Harry Potter.
And thank you to Becca for organising my birthday party, buying me clothes and taking me shopping.
I love all of you. So, so much.
Also, premature thank you to Tom Hoier for hosting our joint birthday on the whatever it isth. That's going to be awesome.
This has been a really long post, and I've been Peter Hutchinson and you've been my audience and I've been entertaining since February last year. 0.0 What will I do for the anniversary?!
Anyway, thank you again for all being totally awesome and for not being dicks. You're great (Y)
P.S. My views for this month is 231. Last month's was 221. Do you know what that means? January has already broken the previous record, and it's only the 17th! Woo! *Party pop* Damn my blog is awesome.
First off, I'm going to get this out of the way.
Thomas Leach - happy birthday mate :)
David Weston - Happy Birthday! :3
Máire Beatty - Happy birthday :)
Bradley Leadbitter - Happy birthday man! :D
Aimee Goodall - Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy dear Hutchy
Mashed potatoes and stew :D
- Bekah Hadley - i swear that's not how it goes
- Aimee Goodall - Well the real alternative involved flushing his head down the loo :(
Mairaid McKinney - Happy birthday :D x
Hannah Sneddon - Happy birthday =) xx
Eve McIntyre - Happy birthday Peterrrr :)
Callum Steedman - Happy bday G-dogg have a good one braaaaaah
Beth Malloy - Happy Birthday :D xx
Amber Powell - happy birthday :)
Sean Stanley - Happy birthday, Have a great day
Lauren Nichols - happy birthday !
Simone Smyth - Happy Birthday! :)
Sophia Haden - Happy Birthday Piotr, hope it's a good one :D x
Gemma Muir - Happy Birthday :))
Barbara Truman - Happy Birthday Hutchy :)
Jess Loader - Happy birthday Hutch :) xx
Okay, so the count so far is 18 (ironic, huh?) so I did this.
Peter Hutchinson - Aren't I popular? ;) Thanks for all the birthday messages.
- Becca Cross, David Weston, Peter Duke and 3 others like this.
This was quite late in the afternoon, so I thought I was pretty much done. Then this happened.
Deromi Jessiman - Happy Birthday P-Dawg! x
John Alven - Happy Birthday!
Laura Squinge Mackay - Happy birthday :)
Caitlin Boydon-Jones - happy birthday :) x
Bekah Hadley - happy birthday hutchy!! hope today is at least a quarter as good as yesterday lol. hope you're free later for some JC, perfect way to celebrate turning 18 with the brotherhood : )
Paul McHutchison - Happy birthday! :)
Zakariya Faroow - happy birthday buddy!! i hope you get some sense and put spokes on the bike!!!
Becca Cross - Happy Birthday my dapper chappy! That makes 29 happy birthdays so far btw. :)
Brendan Farrell - Happy Birthday. :)
Lizzy Downey - Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Lauren Albrecht - Happpppppy Bday again!
Heather McIntyre - Happy birthday
You'll notice how the ones in bold are the most imaginative ones. I was planning on doing a "There were this many smiley faces" but then I realised that I can't be fucked. There are too many. I'll tell you what though, if Facebook meant anything in the way of attraction, then I'm going to take all of these messages and realise that I'm going to have sex with a lot of attractive women this year. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and I do actually have to get off my backside and work for it... or do I? *types in www.fixmeupwithahotchickfromweststoke.com* You know what? That looks like even more effort than getting off my backside.
Also, I'm going to throw in this message from my phone for good measure.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR PETERRR,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
Hope you had a great time last night and have a good day today!"
- Lauren Albrecht
That's what I woke up to. I've never been shouted at in a text message before, and needless to say it shocked me somewhat, but I enjoyed it. It was thoughtful and not cliché.
Anyway, because I've just updated my Facebook pictures, let's skip back to Friday. More specifically, Luke's cat.
Awwwww.
That was nice, wasn't it? Anyway, here are the cards that made me laugh.
Googly eyes.
Aha! Pun!
Those were fun cards weren't they? I think Becca bought me this card purely because she found it hilarious. Speaking of Becca's card, take a look at what she wrote on the inside.
Isn't that nice?
Yes, caption, that is nice indeed. I'll tell you what, if it weren't for Becca and all of you guys spontaneously doing things for my birthday, then it would've been crap again. My 17th wasn't bad, but before that was dire.
Anyway, I'm sure you're dying to know what actually happened on my birthday. You know, my actual birthday and not the pre-birthdays that I had. Well, essentially this happened.
So... how old am I now?
That cake was delicious, and I quite like that hip flask too. What basically happened was that my great-auntie and uncle came over. These are those relatives that I don't mind being related to, as I stated in a previous entry. Not much to report happened really, and to be honest if I wasn't perked up by the previous days' activities then I'd have been pretty bored and annoyed.
So, what did I get out of all of this? Well, perhaps I'll show you.
Ooh, stuff.
Stuff indeed. Look at all that money, and the Chinese beer, and that Rolling Stones shirt and the hip flask! That's pretty much what I got, bar another shirt from Becca. I would tell you how much money there is, but I think I added to it today. £265? Something like that. For me, that's a lot of money in one go. I've never had that much ever just lying around. And that's what it's doing until it gets put in the bank. I mean, it's already in the bank and you can't touch it. You won't find it, Joe!
I'll tell you what, now that I'm 18 things have changed. Oh bollocks, I forgot to put my waistcoat in that picture. Sorry, that was off-topic. Yeah, now that I'm 18 I can legally drink, smoke, go everywhere and do everything and during this year I'll be moving out of my house and going to Uni. That will be epic. I mean, it will mean leaving all the regular Real Family outings and Brotherhood JC nights, but all that will still happen. And let's face it, I'm a great guy and I'll make a billion new friends, so I don't think I'll be lonely. And if I am, then I'll have Becca across town. Woo!
So they're the changes. Quach also mentioned now that I'm 18, I seem to be a lot happier. I don't know what it is exactly, because I've only been 18 for 47 hours, but apparently I'm happier. That's a good thing.
I think I'm running out of things to say, quite frankly. OH YEAH!
Last night the Brotherhood decided to get together for my birthday and have the best JC night EVER. The House of Monkeys is quite possibly the most ludicrous thing I've ever seen. If you've seen it, then you'll know what I'm saying. There's a gorilla that uses the toilet. Is there anything better in life? I KNOW! Anyway, I have to thank these two for hanging out with me in the evening, otherwise I'd have probably resorted to the Xbox. That wouldn't have been great. No offence to the Xbox, I enjoy playing it, but it's more of a time waster than a time user, if you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? You should know what I'm saying because IT'S WRITTEN RIGHT HERE. Whoa, I'm sorry.
Anyway, I have a lot of thank you's to give out right now.
Thank you to Hilton, Leach, Josh+Maisie, Aimee and whoever else gave me money for giving me money, I'm sure I'll put that to good use.
Thank you to Quach for that Chinese beer. I haven't opened it yet, but I'd rather do that with you there just so you can appreciate my thank you even more.
Thank you to Bekah for paying for my new awesome hair cut and for having a huge house with the JC box set and a 90's TV.
Thank you to Joe for the awesome waistcoat and for organising the JC night last night.
Thank you to Luke and Dukey who ferried everyone around on Friday night so we could go and see Harry Potter.
And thank you to Becca for organising my birthday party, buying me clothes and taking me shopping.
I love all of you. So, so much.
Also, premature thank you to Tom Hoier for hosting our joint birthday on the whatever it isth. That's going to be awesome.
This has been a really long post, and I've been Peter Hutchinson and you've been my audience and I've been entertaining since February last year. 0.0 What will I do for the anniversary?!
Anyway, thank you again for all being totally awesome and for not being dicks. You're great (Y)
P.S. My views for this month is 231. Last month's was 221. Do you know what that means? January has already broken the previous record, and it's only the 17th! Woo! *Party pop* Damn my blog is awesome.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
OMFG
I turn 18 in like less than 2 hours. That isn't very long away at all. And I've got to tell you, so far it's been the best birthday ever. Like ever.
To start with, yesterday I was treated to watching Harry Potter in the cinema with Dukey, Luke and the rest. I don't have time to spell out names, but you know who you are. It started with Sophia, Luke and I driving to Luke's house and hanging out for a while and playing with Luke's new kitten. Then Dukey, Quach, Maisie and Aimee arrived to fill the numbers. That's why I didn't write out the names earlier in the sentence. Dukey and Luke were our drivers, and soon we set out to the cinema. The movie was pretty good, if I'm honest. Usually when I watch Harry Potter films I'm like "No! That didn't happen in the book!" or "No! Why didn't they include that from the book?!" but this one remained true to the book so much so that I didn't even notice if there were any holes. And to be honest, I don't care if there were because it's actually a genuinely good movie, and they finished it at the perfect point. I thought they'd finish after the Gringott's scene, but they didn't, and their idea was better. Well done, WB. Afterwards we carted home again.
Anyway, today was the important day because it was my first official party. Becca took me to town earlier and treated me to some clothes and then I bought my own... with her help. Yeah, I'm pretty useless at shopping, but she found the best deals and the best clothes as well, so I have that to thank her for. After that I dropped her off at Joe's and then hung out with Bekah. She treated me to a haircut, which I'm bloody thankful for because it was seriously too long, and now it looks good. Seriously, it looks so good that Becca couldn't keep her eyes off me all night. Anyway, after that treat we went back to Bekah's where we watched some Mighty Boosh. Then we caught the bus and headed for Pizza Hut. Yes, we were 15 minutes late, but that meant that everyone was already there to greet me, which was nice. What a fun evening it was. Lots of stuff happened, but you were all there to see it. This was my treat from Becca as well. In fact, I got loads of awesome presents. Quach gave me a bottle of vintage Chinese beer and Joe got me an awesome waistcoat, so I can now officially take part in Waistcoat Wednesdays. Everyone got me cards and money, which is awesome too. I've also been told that on the last day of school I have to hide behind the curtain in assembly and then play the Pink Panther on the grand piano. That is something I will aspire to do.
I apologise for keeping this short, but I just wanted it on record that tonight was awesome and I thank Becca so much for getting all of it organised last minute. I love you a lot, Becca, and I love the rest of you a lot for making this quite possibly the best birthday ever. I'm a little bit overwhelmed, quite frankly, I've never had this kind of love and attention before. You're all brilliant. All of you.
I'm going to leave you with what I think was my best joke of the evening. I was giving Quach a hug at the end of the evening, and so he decided to pick me up and cradle me in his arms, carrying me off. I simply said to him, "Josh, you had me at ni hao." Oh, how he laughed. *Awkward silence* You had to be there.
Anyway, I thank and love you all again and tomorrow I'll probably update with a more detailed thing.
Say goodbye to the Hutch you've all known and loved. Tomorrow I'm a different man.
To start with, yesterday I was treated to watching Harry Potter in the cinema with Dukey, Luke and the rest. I don't have time to spell out names, but you know who you are. It started with Sophia, Luke and I driving to Luke's house and hanging out for a while and playing with Luke's new kitten. Then Dukey, Quach, Maisie and Aimee arrived to fill the numbers. That's why I didn't write out the names earlier in the sentence. Dukey and Luke were our drivers, and soon we set out to the cinema. The movie was pretty good, if I'm honest. Usually when I watch Harry Potter films I'm like "No! That didn't happen in the book!" or "No! Why didn't they include that from the book?!" but this one remained true to the book so much so that I didn't even notice if there were any holes. And to be honest, I don't care if there were because it's actually a genuinely good movie, and they finished it at the perfect point. I thought they'd finish after the Gringott's scene, but they didn't, and their idea was better. Well done, WB. Afterwards we carted home again.
Anyway, today was the important day because it was my first official party. Becca took me to town earlier and treated me to some clothes and then I bought my own... with her help. Yeah, I'm pretty useless at shopping, but she found the best deals and the best clothes as well, so I have that to thank her for. After that I dropped her off at Joe's and then hung out with Bekah. She treated me to a haircut, which I'm bloody thankful for because it was seriously too long, and now it looks good. Seriously, it looks so good that Becca couldn't keep her eyes off me all night. Anyway, after that treat we went back to Bekah's where we watched some Mighty Boosh. Then we caught the bus and headed for Pizza Hut. Yes, we were 15 minutes late, but that meant that everyone was already there to greet me, which was nice. What a fun evening it was. Lots of stuff happened, but you were all there to see it. This was my treat from Becca as well. In fact, I got loads of awesome presents. Quach gave me a bottle of vintage Chinese beer and Joe got me an awesome waistcoat, so I can now officially take part in Waistcoat Wednesdays. Everyone got me cards and money, which is awesome too. I've also been told that on the last day of school I have to hide behind the curtain in assembly and then play the Pink Panther on the grand piano. That is something I will aspire to do.
I apologise for keeping this short, but I just wanted it on record that tonight was awesome and I thank Becca so much for getting all of it organised last minute. I love you a lot, Becca, and I love the rest of you a lot for making this quite possibly the best birthday ever. I'm a little bit overwhelmed, quite frankly, I've never had this kind of love and attention before. You're all brilliant. All of you.
I'm going to leave you with what I think was my best joke of the evening. I was giving Quach a hug at the end of the evening, and so he decided to pick me up and cradle me in his arms, carrying me off. I simply said to him, "Josh, you had me at ni hao." Oh, how he laughed. *Awkward silence* You had to be there.
Anyway, I thank and love you all again and tomorrow I'll probably update with a more detailed thing.
Say goodbye to the Hutch you've all known and loved. Tomorrow I'm a different man.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Superpowers
I said I'd do a post about my superpowers, so here it is.
Telekinesis
By far my favourite superpower, the ability to move things with my mind. This can be as simple as making a sandwich without even touching a breadboard or as sinister as viciously attacking someone like I had seven thousand knives. Alternatively, I could use telekinesis to control seven thousand knives, which I think would be even more sinister.
That guy in the picture is so scared that he dropped his body. Or perhaps he no longer has a body because it was shredded by the seven thousand knives. Anyway, that's telekinesis, quite possibly the best superpower ever.
The ability to fly
Who wouldn't want to do this? I can fly around the world and do whatever I want. One minute I'm in an exam, I would pop to the toilet, fly to Japan, save everyone from a giant Earthquake and be back in time for them not to notice.
See? That's a pretty awesome super-power to have.
Foresight
Just take a look at the previous and that'll prove that I have this power, rather than providing the awesome photographic evidence like I did for the last two superpowers.
Spider-Doo
This is the ability to sniff out danger and then web-sling into action.
It speaks for itself really.
So with that being that I feel I need to update you. Yesterday I got my new kids and they're an all right bunch. In this class I have the boisterously blonde Casey (AKA Casey Secondname from Zombie Plan) who is definitely one of year nine's most ... blonde girls. I think that's a fair assessment. While she is loud and a little bit annoying, she gets her work done and doesn't do half a bad job either, so she makes up for her shortcomings. Also in this class is Beth, who is just annoying. That's it really. She touches me inappropriately and that's just not on, really. I have to get the other kids to get her off me. Then there's Jack who is the single most annoying thing on the face of the planet. Mrs Wright has told me that if I pretend that I love him then he won't be so annoying, but I don't deal well with annoying people, and I like to make it clear that I don't like them. So yeah, that'll be difficult. Aside from that, I don't think there are any other characters in this class that will even be mentioned in this blog over the coming eight weeks, but we'll see.
Also, it's apparent that the day before my birthday isn't going to suck! Becca has lovingly decided to organise a meal out with everybody, and I love her for this. I may actually be in a good mood for my birthday then, which is certainly a change from the norm. The year is back in the position it should be, so I whole-heartedly thank you, Becca.
Anyway, with that being that I'm done. Ich habe eine deutsche Prufung im Morgen also habe ich Sorgen. An andere Seite, werde ich okay sein.
Bis Spaeter!
Telekinesis
By far my favourite superpower, the ability to move things with my mind. This can be as simple as making a sandwich without even touching a breadboard or as sinister as viciously attacking someone like I had seven thousand knives. Alternatively, I could use telekinesis to control seven thousand knives, which I think would be even more sinister.
Yup, way more sinister.
That guy in the picture is so scared that he dropped his body. Or perhaps he no longer has a body because it was shredded by the seven thousand knives. Anyway, that's telekinesis, quite possibly the best superpower ever.
The ability to fly
Who wouldn't want to do this? I can fly around the world and do whatever I want. One minute I'm in an exam, I would pop to the toilet, fly to Japan, save everyone from a giant Earthquake and be back in time for them not to notice.
Look at the super-happy Japanese people.
See? That's a pretty awesome super-power to have.
Foresight
Just take a look at the previous and that'll prove that I have this power, rather than providing the awesome photographic evidence like I did for the last two superpowers.
Spider-Doo
This is the ability to sniff out danger and then web-sling into action.
Rpider-Roo.
It speaks for itself really.
So with that being that I feel I need to update you. Yesterday I got my new kids and they're an all right bunch. In this class I have the boisterously blonde Casey (AKA Casey Secondname from Zombie Plan) who is definitely one of year nine's most ... blonde girls. I think that's a fair assessment. While she is loud and a little bit annoying, she gets her work done and doesn't do half a bad job either, so she makes up for her shortcomings. Also in this class is Beth, who is just annoying. That's it really. She touches me inappropriately and that's just not on, really. I have to get the other kids to get her off me. Then there's Jack who is the single most annoying thing on the face of the planet. Mrs Wright has told me that if I pretend that I love him then he won't be so annoying, but I don't deal well with annoying people, and I like to make it clear that I don't like them. So yeah, that'll be difficult. Aside from that, I don't think there are any other characters in this class that will even be mentioned in this blog over the coming eight weeks, but we'll see.
Also, it's apparent that the day before my birthday isn't going to suck! Becca has lovingly decided to organise a meal out with everybody, and I love her for this. I may actually be in a good mood for my birthday then, which is certainly a change from the norm. The year is back in the position it should be, so I whole-heartedly thank you, Becca.
Anyway, with that being that I'm done. Ich habe eine deutsche Prufung im Morgen also habe ich Sorgen. An andere Seite, werde ich okay sein.
Bis Spaeter!
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Conspiracies
Apparently I needed to do this. Unfortunately this means going 9/11 on your asses, and I know how we all just about got over it and never wanted to hear it again. I apologise. But the powers that were being (the people I was with in my free lesson today) told me to post this, so I am.
I feel obliged to state that the following conspiracies do not reflect the opinions of myself and all of us here at Cliché Life Stuff (me).
This post originated because of the Wingdings font, which apparently has something to do with 9/11. The flight number that crashed into the Twin Towers was Q33 NY, and when put into the Wingdings font it looks like this:
I feel obliged to state that the following conspiracies do not reflect the opinions of myself and all of us here at Cliché Life Stuff (me).
This post originated because of the Wingdings font, which apparently has something to do with 9/11. The flight number that crashed into the Twin Towers was Q33 NY, and when put into the Wingdings font it looks like this:
Q33 NY
If the pictures haven't come out right then what it represents is: Plane-Tower-Tower Death-Jews. So apparently this means that the American government purposefully sent a plane into the Twin Towers in order to kill Jews because the Wingdings font foretold it. To me, that's unlikely, but let's see what else we can foresee.
Let's predict a football result. There is an upcoming game between Liverpool and Blackpool. So let's just see what happens. The text I'm using is Liverpool V. Blackpool.
Liverpool V. Blackpool
Okay, so that's Unhappy face-Inverted brackets with a line through (probably a Greek letter)-Diamond grid-A curly letter M with a devil tail-Cube-Thick rimmed square-Thin rimmed square-thin rimmed square-Big black dot - 3D cross-Letter box - Sign for OK-Big black dot-The 69 position (and yes, I'm well aware it's a Zodiac symbol, I just forget which)-Curly letter M with a fish tail-The and symbol-Thick rimmed square-Thin rimmed square-Thin rimmed square-Big black dot
Okay, so Liverpool are pretty unhappy right now so they're demotivated. The devil tail means that they've made a deal with the devil, so they have a chance of winning, but the devil is pretty evil so they might not. Diamond means that they're going to do a diamond formation. The big black dot means that they're going to score with the aid of a black guy and the goal will be within the box (hence the squares).
Obviously the V. doesn't mean anything, but it could mean that there will be a conflict between Christians and ... mail box lovers on the pitch.
Blackpool are doing okay right now, they have two black dots so they'll score two goals inside the box with the aid of black guys. They'll be so happy that two of the players will end up having sex on the pitch after the game, and the fish is a symbol of Jesus and therefore I will kick Liverpool's ass. The and means nothing.
End result: Blackpool 2-1 Liverpool
If all of that happens, I will be pretty damn amazed. Finally I will have the power to foresee events that have not yet come to pass, and thus it will be so.
Peace out.
P.S. The score was Blackpool 2-1 Liverpool. All goals inside the box and either scored or assisted by black guys. Two of the Blackpool players were seen doing something similar to a 69 on the pitch as well. It seems like I have the power to read the future. Better add that to the list. I'll have to post a list of my superpowers.
P.S. The score was Blackpool 2-1 Liverpool. All goals inside the box and either scored or assisted by black guys. Two of the Blackpool players were seen doing something similar to a 69 on the pitch as well. It seems like I have the power to read the future. Better add that to the list. I'll have to post a list of my superpowers.
Optimism
Right, yesterday I posted a post that seemed a little miserable. While I was miserable at the time, it totally doesn't represent the current course of anything. So here's a picture to prove it.
That's a pretty awesome MS Paint.
Anyway, in other news, footballers have gained the ability to shoot fire through their asses.
Also, look at my most recent pageviews:
The numbers double! I missed 1-2-3-4, but I caught this one and decided to be happy with it. Also, take a look at how many views I've had in January so far. It's like 5000 more than I expected, although the exact number is somewhere around 170. But still, that's a lot for 12 days if I say so myself.
Anyway, I need to go to DT. Ainscow is inept in her job. Oh sorry, I can't post that, because that's slander. However, slanderous activities fit in well with my schedule, so fuck it.
Screw Flanders.
That's a smile that's too big for his face.
That's a pretty awesome MS Paint.
Anyway, in other news, footballers have gained the ability to shoot fire through their asses.
Lift off!
Also, look at my most recent pageviews:
1-2-4-8
The numbers double! I missed 1-2-3-4, but I caught this one and decided to be happy with it. Also, take a look at how many views I've had in January so far. It's like 5000 more than I expected, although the exact number is somewhere around 170. But still, that's a lot for 12 days if I say so myself.
Anyway, I need to go to DT. Ainscow is inept in her job. Oh sorry, I can't post that, because that's slander. However, slanderous activities fit in well with my schedule, so fuck it.
Screw Flanders.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
Fuck Off Monday
So yeah, yesterday (because I forgot to blog yesterday) we started school again. I've got to tell you, I didn't like it very much at all. School doesn't fit around my 'no morning' policy. Oh well, we're back now and that means that the My Day blog posts are back.
But first, let me briefly talk about Saturday, because that was interesting. On Saturday I learned that I am literally the best football coach in the world. I guess I can add it to my list of talents. Let me just put this in perspective. We were playing football, and then these kids joined us. We kicked their arses and then decided to split into teams of three and do a knockout competition. Joe's team was on an undefeated streak, and my team consisted of Rolex and Hernandéz so we had to beat them. The game started with me shouting towards Rolex and Hernandéz various phrases like "Good, good, you have the ball now WIN!" and other phrases like "WIN!" and "SCORE!" and subsequently we scored. One such goal was an awesome goal kick by me, which went right over everyone and into the goal. I'm pretty awesome like that. After we won we became undefeated. I followed this trend for the following matches, which we one. Even when we changed the teams we won... and then we lost, but we won a lot purely because I was shouting "WIN!" a lot. Also on this day I presented myself as the most hilarious person ever, but you already knew this. Also, we drove around in Dukey's car a lot, and the most memorable moment was when Dukey drove me home and Joe said "I don't think Blackberry Close is ready for Spanish Flea" and then subsequently turned the car stereo up to full volume. It was loud.
Anyway, that was that, now this is this.
First Lesson - Media
I say Media, but I turned up to be told what I was told last term. "Peter and Lottie, I believe you have work to do towards your next exam." So we left the classroom, and I didn't do any work towards my next exam, because quite frankly there's no point. I know what you're thinking, "Early preparation is the best kind of preparation," but I put it to you that I don't really care or have the time to worry about an exam that isn't next week. So I did DT work instead.
Second Lesson - Free
Again, I did DT work. I finally got my ProDesktop work finished. Uh... nothing else.
Third Lesson - DT
Just fuck off. We have Mrs Ainsbitch twice a week now, which is twice more than I can put up with, so I'm not a happy chappy.
Fourth Lesson - DT
Fucking DT revision. I pretty much read this lesson because I'm only retaking the exam because I fucked up one big question in the section that only I took. But hey, I have to do it anyway. I'll tell you what though, Mrs Ainscow is trying to find out from me what I'm struggling with, but I've been able to answer every single question she's thrown at me, so that idea is flawed.
Fifth Lesson - Deutsch
Thank Christ this lesson happened. I was bloody sick of doing four lessons of DT that I needed this in order to not top myself in a violent and bloody manner. What actually happened this lesson is beyond me, but I'm sure something happened. Apparently Joe said something funny, but all I caught was "Yes, we need to expand" and apparently this was funny because it was a WWII joke, but hey.
I've got to say, this hasn't been a pleasant start to the year, and my hilarity is off-key because of it. I guess this is why I didn't post yesterday, because nothing is worth posting at the moment. I may as well keep doing my random funny posts, but I won't because that would be heresy and I don't do heresy.
I'll tell you what, Quach's breath really stinks. He's standing over me right now.
Also, on the note of Josh's, Hilton has got himself a laser toy, and he's having immense fun with it. He is the only person who finds it amusing, but whatever brings up his spirits. I need something to raise my spirits. Hey, it's my birthday this weekend. Whoo. That's not that brilliant if I'm honest and it'll suck. But hey.
Until our next adventure! *Theme tune*
But first, let me briefly talk about Saturday, because that was interesting. On Saturday I learned that I am literally the best football coach in the world. I guess I can add it to my list of talents. Let me just put this in perspective. We were playing football, and then these kids joined us. We kicked their arses and then decided to split into teams of three and do a knockout competition. Joe's team was on an undefeated streak, and my team consisted of Rolex and Hernandéz so we had to beat them. The game started with me shouting towards Rolex and Hernandéz various phrases like "Good, good, you have the ball now WIN!" and other phrases like "WIN!" and "SCORE!" and subsequently we scored. One such goal was an awesome goal kick by me, which went right over everyone and into the goal. I'm pretty awesome like that. After we won we became undefeated. I followed this trend for the following matches, which we one. Even when we changed the teams we won... and then we lost, but we won a lot purely because I was shouting "WIN!" a lot. Also on this day I presented myself as the most hilarious person ever, but you already knew this. Also, we drove around in Dukey's car a lot, and the most memorable moment was when Dukey drove me home and Joe said "I don't think Blackberry Close is ready for Spanish Flea" and then subsequently turned the car stereo up to full volume. It was loud.
Anyway, that was that, now this is this.
First Lesson - Media
I say Media, but I turned up to be told what I was told last term. "Peter and Lottie, I believe you have work to do towards your next exam." So we left the classroom, and I didn't do any work towards my next exam, because quite frankly there's no point. I know what you're thinking, "Early preparation is the best kind of preparation," but I put it to you that I don't really care or have the time to worry about an exam that isn't next week. So I did DT work instead.
Second Lesson - Free
Again, I did DT work. I finally got my ProDesktop work finished. Uh... nothing else.
Third Lesson - DT
Just fuck off. We have Mrs Ainsbitch twice a week now, which is twice more than I can put up with, so I'm not a happy chappy.
Fourth Lesson - DT
Fucking DT revision. I pretty much read this lesson because I'm only retaking the exam because I fucked up one big question in the section that only I took. But hey, I have to do it anyway. I'll tell you what though, Mrs Ainscow is trying to find out from me what I'm struggling with, but I've been able to answer every single question she's thrown at me, so that idea is flawed.
Fifth Lesson - Deutsch
Thank Christ this lesson happened. I was bloody sick of doing four lessons of DT that I needed this in order to not top myself in a violent and bloody manner. What actually happened this lesson is beyond me, but I'm sure something happened. Apparently Joe said something funny, but all I caught was "Yes, we need to expand" and apparently this was funny because it was a WWII joke, but hey.
I've got to say, this hasn't been a pleasant start to the year, and my hilarity is off-key because of it. I guess this is why I didn't post yesterday, because nothing is worth posting at the moment. I may as well keep doing my random funny posts, but I won't because that would be heresy and I don't do heresy.
I'll tell you what, Quach's breath really stinks. He's standing over me right now.
Also, on the note of Josh's, Hilton has got himself a laser toy, and he's having immense fun with it. He is the only person who finds it amusing, but whatever brings up his spirits. I need something to raise my spirits. Hey, it's my birthday this weekend. Whoo. That's not that brilliant if I'm honest and it'll suck. But hey.
Until our next adventure! *Theme tune*
Monday, 10 January 2011
Cinderella: Uncovered
Okay, so I was going to do a PC version of Cinderella, but after reading it I discovered that Cinderella is actually fucking dark. So here's an Uncovered version instead.
So Cinderella’s mum died one day, and told her that she needed to be good and kind for the rest of her life. Cinderella was all like, “Okay mother, I shall abide by your dying wish.” But little did Cinderella’s mother know that she was in fact a cold-hearted bitch, and the words coming out of her mouth were utter lies and slander. Cinderella had an ulterior motive. She would get her Dad to marry another woman, who would hopefully have evil daughters, and they’d all treat her like shit. She’d then act all innocent until her moment to strike was upon her. But let’s not ruin the story.
Cinderella and her father visited the grave of his ex-unpaid sex-slave every day until winter, when the snow covered the grave, and for some reason that meant that they couldn’t visit anymore. Hello, this isn’t China; you could’ve used a snow shovel. But no, this was the start of Cinderella’s evil plot.
By spring time, Cinderella’s father had got himself a new toy/plaything/unpaid sex-slave/significant other/wife. This new person brought two other new people with her, things that are colloquially called the Evil Step Sisters *scary noises*. These evil step sisters were very mean to Cinderella, and did her every single possible injury EVER. They mocked her and emptied her peas and lentils into the ashes, so that she was forced to sit and pick them out again, and then they raped her with a 2x4 and left her with a black man in a dark alley. They then killed her and revived her in order to rape her again. In the evening when she had worked till she was weary she had no bed to go to, but had to sleep by the fireside in the ashes. That made her dirty and filthy and annoyed. But this was not going to distance her from her ultimate goal.
One day their father was going to market and he asked the girls what they wanted. The Evil Step Sisters were all like “Jewels and nice dresses” because they’re evil and manipulative. Cinderella asked for the first branch that her father’s hat broke. Aw, isn’t that nice? That’s what she wants you to think. When their Dad went to market, he got the evil jewels and the evil dresses and when his hat broke a branch, he brought back that innocent branch and gave it to Cinderella. Cinderella went to her mother’s grave and planted it. Yes, she planted a branch. I know that doesn’t make trees grow. However, this was an innocent and lovely branch, so it grew into an innocent and lovely tree. Apparently some birds came on it, but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.
So yeah, soon this ball thing came up, and all of the collagen dependent females from across the land went to go see this prince guy in order to wed him. The Evil Step Sisters were invited, because according to the original story they were actually quite hot, and not the way Disney portrayed them because they’re racist. Anyway, yeah, Cinderella wanted to go, so she asked her step-mum, but her step-mum was all like, “No, you’re fucking ugly and nobody likes you. You’re an embarrassment to this family and quite frankly if it wasn’t for your Dad then you’d have been on the streets years ago.” This angered Cinderella, and she was tempted to use her evil powers to vaporise her step-mum, but she could not, because it would ruin her plan. Her step-mother said that if she could fill two bowls with peas that she threw in the fire, then she could go.
And thus, Cinderella’s evil plot started to unfurl. She used her ability to call upon the wild and sent all the birds from the garden plummeting into the fire. The sudden roar of fire from all the incinerated birds pleased Cinderella, but this would not help her. She sent in more birds to pick the peas from the fire and place them in the bowl. Every now and then one would look at her with pleading eyes, showing her how charred and burnt its beak was, but Cinderella gave it an evil glare and it returned to work.
So Cinderella gave the bowl of peas to her step-mother, but this wouldn’t do for her. Now she wanted two bowls of lentils from the fire. This time Cinderella nearly lost it and destroyed her with her heat vision, but instead she once again tortured the birds into doing her chores for her. This time, she was sure her step-mother would let her go, but her argument of the fact that she wore rags and couldn’t dance cropped up again. Cinderella was all like, “YOU MADE ME DO ALL THAT FUCKING WORK SO THAT YOU COULD REPEAT YOUR FUCKING POINT?!” Her step-mother then slapped Cinderella and ‘punished’ her with a chair-leg.
So everyone went to the party without Cinderella. She used this opportunity to put on really loud porn sit underneath the tree she planted earlier. She then told the birds that were just minding their own business there to make her a dress, so they did. It wasn’t a half-bad job either, and was silver and gold in colour.
So Cinderella went to the ball. She did a dance in front of her step-mum and Evil Step Sisters, but they just thought she was a foreign lunatic. “They come over here and take up space on our dance floor!”
Then the Prince found Cinderella. Everything was going as according to plan. They danced the night away, and fortunately for Cinderella he was a selfish prick because he would not let anyone else have a go with his new toy.
The end of the evening was nearing and the prince was kind of horny, so he rang his hotel but sadly his room wasn’t ready yet so he had two choices. Either he would bunk with his dad, the King, or shag this bimbo that he had just picked up. The choice was clear. But on the way back to her house, Cinderella escaped and hid in a bird house. This was somehow devious and tied in with the plot in some kind of way. The prince looked for her, but couldn’t find her.
You know what? Let’s just skip over the next bit. Basically, there was another event, Cinderella told her birds to do her bidding, the prince was horny again, but Cinderella escaped once more. What I don’t understand is how the fuck a little girl can escape from a prince, who undoubtedly has a horse, and lots of horsed men who are obliged to stay at his side. Do you see what I mean about Cinderella having evil powers?
So yeah, this time it all happened again. Cinderella got a new dress from her Chinese sweat shop birds, but this time the prince got one up on Cinderella. When she did her ninja shit to escape, one of her shoes got caught in the tarp that the prince and the king put down. How flipping devious is that? But once again, we see how this prince is actually a bastard, because he forgot what Cinderella looked like because he was far too fixated on her chest and her downstairs locker room.
Now comes the part of the story we all know and love. The prince ended up at Cinderella’s house and asked the girls to try the shoe on. The eldest sister went first, but did it in her room. Because Cinderella has evil dainty feet, she couldn’t get her bloody big toe in, so her mother told her to cut it off. Yeah, that’s right. They cut off her toe. That could kill you. And in this day and age it’s sure to get infected. They’re just not thinking straight. So yeah, the prince was fooled by this and carried her off to live with him. But Cinderella was watching from her window, and she glared at the birds in the tree, who sang to the prince, telling him that it was a sham and that she’d cut off her toe. The prince slapped her, pulled off the shoe and then plunged a knife into her foot.
The prince returned, so the little sister had a turn, but her heel didn’t fit in. You can pretty much guess what happens next. Her mother butchers her heel off, and the prince is fooled again. Cinderella pulled the same devious trick, and the prince plunged the knife into the foot again.
The plot was unfurling, Cinderella could feel it. She sniffed the air as the prince returned, catching a whiff of his slightly effeminate perfume. Her goal was in sight, the only thing that was stopping her now was her evil step-mother. Cinderella pulled her into her room, locked the door and let the key sit in her cleavage. This was now a fight to the death.
They glared at each other, poised with their arms at their sides, ready to fight. The step mother cleverly hid a rapier in her dress, which she pulled out and brandished in front of Cinderella. Cinderella was prepared for this. She dodged the swipe from her step-mother, jumped and smashed her fist into the wall. Out from it she drew a huge battle-axe. After several clangs of their weapons, Cinderella locked the rapier in the head of the axe and ripped it from her step mother’s arms. She then brought the axe down on her step-mother’s arm, cleaving it right off. Cinderella dropped the battle-axe and stared a deathly stare at the evil woman. Within another second, a bright flash emanated from her eyes and the step-mother was incinerated.
Cinderella then jumped downstairs, popped the shoe on and led the prince out the door. “Look, it fits, see? Let’s go and live our wonderful life together.” And yeah, that happened.
On the wedding day, the Evil Step Sisters turned up, seeking revenge. Cinderella simply glared at them and then two pigeons swooped down and tore out their eyes. That’s fucking dark.
“Everything has gone too well…” Cinderella thought to herself every morning. But soon the prince started drinking Stella Artois, and in his drunken rages he started to abuse Cinderella. Fucking karma, bitch. Every day was now miserable for her, and soon she decided that enough was enough. She slept with the King, became parasitically oppressed and then gave the prince a half-brother. This half-brother was ripped in half by the prince, and because he wasn't happy he beat Cinderella to death with his Xbox 360 and then hung her out of the window. Because he was now depressed and couldn't bear anymore, he looked to his hero Ezio Auditore di Firenzi and became an Assassin. After many successful missions he defeated his father, all the regents and all heirs to the throne so that he became king. He then decided to climb his castle and jump off into a hay stack. However, in real life a hay stack doesn't save you from a 300ft drop, so he died.
Fin.
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Snow Caucasian and the Seven Vertically Challenged but Otherwise Perfectly Normal Individuals
Once upon a time in a height and weight gifted living arena, a Prince's daughter grew up happy and contented, in spite of a hormonally homicidal stepmother. She was very terminally attractive, with blue eyes and long black hair. Her skin was delicate and fair, and so she was called Snow Caucasian. Everyone was quite sure she would become very anatomically gifted. Though her stepmother was pleasantness challenged female child of Earth, she too was very collagen dependant, and the supernaturally gifted mirror told her this every day, whenever she asked it.
"Reflective device, reflective device on the wall, who is the loveliest lady in the land?" the reply was always; "You are, your royally gifted female," until the dreadful day when she heard it say, "Snow Caucasian is the loveliest in the land." The stepmother was furious and, wild with jealousy, began plotting to get rid of her rival. Calling one of her trusty paid slaves, she bribed him with a rich reward to take Snow Caucasian into the forest, far away from the height and weight gifted living arena. Then, unseen, he was to put her to living impairment. The wealth orientated paid slave, attracted to the reward, agreed to do this deed, and he led the innocent age-challenged female away. However, when they came to the fatal spot, the man's courage failed him and, leaving Snow Caucasian sitting beside an oxygen exchange device, he mumbled an excuse and ran off. Snow Caucasian was all socially challenged in the large area of oxygen exchange.
(Later on in life, due to his embarrassment with the Snow Caucasian incident, he became a sexually focussed chronologically gifted individual)
Daylight challenged came, but the paid slave did not return. Snow Caucasian, alone in the brightly challenged large area of oxygen exchange, began to shed salty droplets of water from her tear ducts bitterly. She thought she could feel terrible eyes spying on her, and she heard normality challenged sounds and rustlings that made her heart thump. At last, overcome by tiredness, she fell asleep curled under an oxygen exchange facility.
Snow Caucasian slept fitfully, wakening from time to time with a start and staring into the challenged brightness round her. Several times, she thought she felt something, or somebody touch her as she was momentarily consciously disabled.
At last, dawn woke the large area of oxygen exchange to the song of the flight gifted-s, and Snow Caucasian too, awoke. A whole world was stirring to metabolic ability and the age challenged female was glad to see how silly her fears had been. However, the thick oxygen exchange deposits were like a wall round her, and as she tried to find out where she was, she came upon a path. She walked along it, hopefully. On she walked till she came to a clearing. There stood a normality challenged cottage, with a squared area challenged door, squared area challenged windows and a squared area challenged chimney pot. Everything about the cottage was much more squared area challenged than it ought to be. Snow Caucasian pushed the opening device open.
"I wonder who lives here?" she said to herself, peeping round the kitchen. "What squared area challenged plates! And area challenged bowls fixed onto sticks! There must be seven of them; the table's laid for seven children of Earth." Upstairs was a bedroom with seven neat size challenged beds. Going back to the kitchen, Snow Caucasian had a thought that invoked images of approval.
"I'll make them something to eat. When they come home, they'll be glad to find a meal ready." Towards dusk, seven vertically challenged men marched homewards singing. But when they opened the door, to their surprise they found a bowl of hot steaming soup on the table, and the whole house spick and span. Upstairs was Snow Caucasian, fast asleep on one of the beds. The chief vertically challenged individual prodded her gently.
"Who are you?" he asked. Snow Caucasian told them her sad story, and tears sprang to the vertically challenged, but otherwise perfectly normal individuals' eyes. Then one of them said, as he noisily blew his nose:
"Stay here with us!"
"Hooray! Hooray!" they cheered, dancing joyfully round the little girl. The vertically challenged individuals said to Snow Caucasian:
"You can live here and tend to the house while we're down the mine. Don't worry about your stepmother leaving you in the forest. We love you and we'll take care of you!" Snow Caucasian gratefully accepted their hospitality, and next morning the vertically challenged individuals set off for work. But they warned Snow Caucasian not to open the door to strangers, although they said it with a respect towards her, consistently making claims that they did not think of her as an age and intellectually challenged female.
“Oh shit, we forgot to mention our sequenced letters of identification,” said one of the vertically challenged individual.
And so, here they are:
Intellectually Challenged – Noted that he is the only vertically challenged individual to have gained follicular independence.
Individual of Constant Discomfort and Happiness Deficient – Pretty damn angry.
Medically Practised – Noted that he uses apparatus to aid in his sight. To be said that he is the most intellectually able of the group, but we are also all equals in this world, so it does not matter.
Whatever the Politically Correct Way of Saying Happy is
Conversationally Selective – He is the quietist of the group, although he should not be judged because of it.
Nasally Over-Active – Sneezes everywhere, but we should not pick on him for his clear allergies to everything.
Teenager – No, that’s politically incorrect. Just because it has become a stereotype that teenagers are always tired and sleep a lot, that does not make it true however.
Meanwhile, the servant had returned to the castle, with the blood pumping muscle of a roe deer. He gave it to the cruel stepmother, telling her it belonged to Snow Caucasian, so that he could claim the reward. Highly pleased, the stepmother turned again to the magic mirror. But her hopes were dashed, for the mirror replied: "The loveliest in the land is still Snow Caucasian, who lives in the seven vertically challenged individuals' cottage, down in the large area of oxygen exchange." The stepmother was beside herself with rage.
"She must become biologically challenged! She must become biologically challenged!" she screamed. Disguising herself as a chronologically gifted economically unprepared woman, she put a poisoned apple with the others in her basket. Then, taking the quickest way into the large area of oxygen exchange, she crossed the area of unsanitary water at the edge of the oxygen exchange deposits. She reached the bank unseen, just as Snow Caucasian stood waving goodbye to the seven vertically challenged, but otherwise perfectly normal adult children of Earth on their way to the mine.
Snow White was in the kitchen when she heard the sound at the door: KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Who's there?" she called suspiciously, remembering the vertically challenged individuals’ advice.
"I'm a chronologically gifted financially inept female selling apples," came the reply.
"I don't need any apples, thank you," she replied.
"But they are beautiful apples and ever so juicy!" said the velvety voice from outside the door.
"I'm not supposed to open the door to anyone," said the chronologically challenged girl, who was reluctant to disobey her friends, despite the fact that she was perfectly able of looking after herself in every way.
"And quite right too! Good girl! If you promised not to open up to strangers, then of course you can't buy. You are a good girl indeed!" Then the old woman went on, continuing her patronising efforts.
"And as a reward for being good, I'm going to make you a gift of one of my apples!" Without a further thought, Snow Caucasian opened the door just a tiny crack, to take the apple, although she would accept no more, purely because of the chronologically gifted woman’s patronising language.
"There! Now isn't that a nice apple?" Snow Caucasian bit into the fruit, and as she did, fell to the ground in a faint: the effect of the terrible poison left her metabolically challenged instantaneously.
Now chuckling not very nicely, the wicked stepmother hurried off. But as she ran back across the area of unsanitary water, she tripped and fell into the grained substance from which there is no escape, with apparently no bottom. No one heard her cries for help, and she disappeared without a trace.
Meanwhile, the vertically challenged individuals came out of the mine to find the sky had grown brightly challenged and electrically gifted. Loud thunder echoed through the valleys and streaks of lightning ripped the sky. Worried about Snow Caucasian, due to the obvious pathetic fallacy suddenly introduced they ran as quickly as they could down the mountain to the cottage.
There they found Snow Caucasian, lying still and metabolically inactive, the poisoned apple by her side. They did their best to bring her around, but it was no use.
They wept and wept for a long time. Then they laid her on a bed of rose petals, carried her into the forest and put her in a crystal bed of the metabolically challenged.
Each day they laid a flower there.
Then one evening, they discovered normality challenged, chronologically challenged male admiring Snow Caucasian's lovely face through the glass. After listening to the story, the royalty gifted individual (for he was a royalty gifted individual!) made a suggestion.
"If you allow me to take her to the height and weight gifted living arena, I'll call in popularity gifted doctors to waken her from this normality challenged sleep. She's so lovely I'd love to kiss her!" He did, and as though by illusion by which no one can seem to translate, although mentally gifted people do try, but the slightly average child of Earth would surely realise that this practise is merely practise, and so should not be considered real by any means, but of course that would be politically incorrect, so just bloody believe it, the royalty gifted individual's kiss broke the illusion by which no one can work or explain. To everyone's astonishment, Snow Caucasian opened her sight apparatus. She had amazingly come back to metabolically gifted status! Now in love, the royalty gifted individual asked Snow Caucasian to marry him, and the vertically challenged, but otherwise perfectly normal individuals reluctantly had to say good bye to Snow Caucasian.
From that day on, Snow Caucasian lived happily in a great height and weight gifted living arena. But from time to time, she was drawn back to visit the size challenged cottage down in the large area of oxygen exchange.
Note: The following is extremely racist, but in a politically correct way. If you are super PC, you may want to read on, and then explain to me how I wasn’t politically correct at all and in fact this entire story is just a mockery of your politically correct views. Otherwise, avert your seeing apparatuses.
And then, a filthy Caucasian-y challenged black man ran in on the couple when they were engaged in an activity of unspeakable horror for small children; however it is a practise done by many adults, no matter their sexual preference. Anyway, the nigger put a cap in the Prince’s ass, and then jammed his hoo-hah in Snow Caucasian’s vagingo. She then missed her hormonal homicide stage, and then realised that she had become parasitically oppressed. Serves her right for being horizontally accessible. If Snow Caucasian really thought about it though, she was glad to be freed from being the Prince’s unpaid sex slave. In fact, in her time she thought she had become a domestic engineer, and now with the slightly symbiotic being growing inside her, knew she would get a break from the fucking housework once in a while. After eating her baby, she became a sex care provider and ended up a client of the correctional system.
Note: Turns out, political correctness is absolute bullshit.
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