GAMEfest

I could've easily written this post yesterday. In fact, I could've easily written this post on Friday. But I didn't. I didn't feel that the readers had enough time to read through the BBQ post that I wrote on Thursday. Anyway, I'm writing this post today, so deal with it. I've also only just uploaded the pictures onto Facebook. I only uploaded 21 of the pictures though, because the Magic in a Can album is almost complete and I wanted the last few pictures to be the best damn pictures of all time. That's the plan.

Anyway, GAMEfest.

Hang on, I'm just trying to navigate Facebook's stupid new photo uploading stuff. They've replaced the screen where you give photos captions and easily tag people with a screen where Facebook tries to recognise people and attempts to tag them. No, Facebook, I'll do it my way, thanks. And besides, half the fun of uploading photos is giving them captions, everybody knows that.

Anyway, after the fiasco where Josh remembered that he had forgotten the tickets when we were just outside Birmingham and therefore like 10 minutes away from the NEC, we arrived at the NEC and promptly walked towards GAMEfest.

Facebook has crashed again.

Here we go:

"So," I bet you're thinking, "this event can't have been that popular. Not that many people like games."

Well you're wrong.

"Well it's not that big-a-deal. I bet they didn't have an expensive banner outside the entrance."

Again, wrong.

"Well I bet there weren't any hot chicks there."
I don't have any photographic evidence to support this. But you're wrong again. There was a Nuts stand, Josh wanted to get his breasts signed.

"Well now you're going to tell me that Josh licked out Batman."

Yeah, I am. 

"Well you know what it didn't have? An Aston - "

Beat you to it.

"Well so what? They were just showing off merchandise and stuff. You didn't actually get to play any of the games, did you?"

You're so wrong now I can't even handle it.

"Fine, but this is all new stuff. I bet you three quid that none of those games gave you a vinyl for their soundtrack."
I have a Driver San Francisco LP.

"Fuck off!"

I assumed that this would be your next argument.

"You're far too clever, Mr Hutchinson."

I know.

"Damn, that was my secret code for the Golden Gun! Okay you win. This event was pretty cool and definitely worth £10. Still, when I go to these events I expect freebies."
Is like £100 worth of posters enough for you?

Okay, Josh got all the posters. I didn't really care about them. Aside from the Battlefield 3 one which is fucking awesome.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll post the highlights reel on here soon enough. If you were looking for game reviews then I guess I'll make a video chock full of those as well.

If you sneezed during this blog post, bless you.

Peace off.

What a Great Day

Yesterday was just fantastic. I didn't have any time to myself at all, and that makes it one of the best days since Cornwall. And I'm flipping knackered.

Lauren
Lauren gets her own title because she was pretty much the event for yesterday morning. Because Lauren doesn't mix with my usual group, it makes her a very unique person in my life and one that I don't get to see very often. We both decided that it wouldn't be right if we didn't see each other before we left for Uni, and so she rolled up in her KA yesterday morning and we took Walter for a lovely walk. We essentially caught up on all the things that had happened since results day and made conspiracy theories about the house on ... that road that leads up to the Park that's all locked up with padlocked shutters and such. I made the sensible assumption that there could just be illegal hardware in there, but she was saying that there were drug runners in there and murderers and all sorts. It was all very funny. A little while later we discovered that the Eye sticker things that are plaguing our town might actually be by the Neighbourhood Watch, since one of the stickers had the Neighbourhood Watch logo with the eye in the middle, but perhaps it's an anti-Neighbourhood Watch. I don't know really. In any case, we were talking about Hot Fuzz, and then Lauren came up with the term "FOF" which means "Fuzz on Face", which is hilarious. She then complimented me on my own FOF, which adds another 1 to the total number of people in the world who like my FOF. Anyway, on the way back past the house that had been boarded up with padlocks and shit, we found that it had a back door, and it then opened, and then we got scared that we were going to get murdered, but Lauren wanted to stop and stare anyway, but I implored her to not let the murderers and/or drug runners see her because they'd definitely kill her and/or eat my dog.

This makes all drug runners essentially East-Asian.

Or it doesn't.

In any case, it was wonderful to hang out and chat to Lauren again and I shall definitely look forward to all of our future meetings. Lauren, you've always been someone that I can always rely on in the most dire of circumstances and despite my previous shortcomings you stuck with me through my ups and downs and definitely had a massive impact on the person that I am today. There's not a single person out there who could replace you. I love you and I will miss you a hell of a lot, as I have done over this holiday. Just remember that if you ever need a friend, I'm not very far away.

Laura's BBQ
So after I hugged Lauren goodbye and exited her car I found a Jed on the way towards the other people and then the event had officially started (ain't no party startin' without yours truly). It was all jolly good fun. One highlight for me was playing an interesting game that I think the guys made up, but I don't know. You can take credit for it anyway. It was basically a game of catch, but if you dropped the ball then you had to lower yourself to the floor. Miss once, go down on one knee, twice, both knees, three times, ass down, fourth, laying down. When I joined Joe was already on the floor, and then it got violent. Quach and Joe were really going at each other quite viciously with that ball.

Another particular highlight for me was when Laura's friends that none of us knew was introduced to us and the first thing this guy whose name I forget said to me was, "I'm already jealous of the beard" and the other guy was pretty amazed at it as well, which adds another two to the total number of people who absolutely love the FOF.

In any case, it was great to see everyone again before we all go off to Uni, of which time is slowly looming upon us. All corners of the country we'll be in. It's quite weird to think that I won't have the best people in the world to lean on any more. I mean, yeah, I'll have a couple of the best people in the world, but not all of you, and that's kind of sad.

Bekah's Later That Evening
So, a little later after Laura's BBQ I went to Bekah's to set up her new laptop. It was supposed to be a 1 hour job, and then I ended up spending all night there. I essentially turned it on, did all of the things I was supposed to do including installing Skype etc, but then I had to give her loads of movies, and with only a 4gb memory stick it took several hours to do. During this time, Bekah's friends Ellie and Stuart arrived (which is why I was only supposed to stay an hour) and then we had quite a fun time, proving to Bekah that I am perfectly worthy of meeting her "other friends", which she has been so previously uninclined to do with us, since she thought that we were all just different people or something or nothing. In any case, it was all very fun and later on we went to the pub to keep her sister's friend company because she had just broken up with her girlfriend, so that was quite a laugh as well.

So yeah, that was just about the single busiest day of my life and I didn't spend a penny, which sounds like a result.

More please :)

Saying Goodbye

So everyone in the world right now is saying "RIP" to the victims of 11/9. If you expect me to breakdown and give you a wonderful tale of a woman living in New York who loved and lost on that terrible day, then I'm not, and it's all because of one simple realisation that I came by.

If the victims of the September 11th attacks (in fact, every person who has ever died) could hear everyone consistently mourning and telling them to "resquiat in pace" then they'd simply turn over in their grave and shout "I would if you just shut the fuck up telling me to!" Consider the needs of others, human race. Stop saying "rest in peace" and just let them get on with it. They get the picture.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Actually, it kind of is, otherwise I wouldn't have named this blog post after it. In fact, I'm renaming my blog post. I changed it from "Rest in Peace" to "Saying Goodbye" so that it is appropriate for both topics.

That's the kind of guy that I am.

So, what have I been up to for the last few days? That is indeed a very good question, my tiny insignificant readers. I believe the last time I posted was on the 7th when Becca was slagging off my brother, so all I've got to work out is what I did on Thursday and Friday, because I definitely know what I did yesterday.

So, Thursday was... probably sit in and do nothing day because I honestly can't recall a single solitary thing that happened that day. If I'm honest, that's a tad bit annoying, but hey-ho, what'cha gonna do? According to Facebook all I did on Thursday was watch videos on YouTube. I suppose I must've watched a movie as well, otherwise I can't think how in the how I'd have filled an entire day.

So what did I do on Friday? Oh yeah, in the evening we got together and stuff the Panther so that it now looks like this:
[lag due to the fact that the pictures haven't come off my camera yet]
Just uh... waiting for the pictures to upload. Shouldn't be too long now. Ah, there we go.

That's right, we dealt with that son-of-a-bitch.

So yeah, Slender Man's cousin, the Pink Panther, had finally been slaughtered. Granite Moths need never continue.

Ah no! What the fuck?!

That's it. I'm getting out of here. He doesn't even need support for his head any more. He is quite literally unstoppable now.

I've decided to quit.

This is the last time I will ever be posting.

You know, for the third time that I've actually used that joke.

Shut up.

But yeah, to get back to reality - what? Reality? But I am being stalked by a paranormal Pink Panther in search for Alec, who looks a lot like Dukey and being chased by Masky, who looks a lot like Josh... aren't I? And every time I post a video to YouTube it's actually detailing things that genuinely happened to me, like when I hit on Tessica, who looks an awful lot like Becca, and filmed that wild animal that looked a lot like Harry. There's nothing in this entire world that can make me believe that all of that is fake. Nothing. What about the bloopers? The stuff we got wrong in rehearsals for this story of fiction. That was just Tessica fumbling as she was trying to talk, and then she tried to flirt with me, and it was all very amusing at the time, but I got her to restart her story anyway so that it would work better on tape. I will personally post all of the bloopers on the internet which prove that Granite Moths is a work of fiction. In fact, if I wanted to I could link every Granite Moths video to their Marble Hornets equivalents because Granite Moths is actually a spoof of Marble Hornets. What the fuck is Marble Hornets? Oh wait, I know what that is. I thought that was a spoof of Granite Moths. Then how does it have more entries? Because they diverted and went down their own path. The first Marble Hornets entry came out a year and a half before the first Granite Moths. Oh. Well there I'm stumped. - But yeah, to get back to reality, we re-stuffed the Pink Panther. I knew it! I knew Alec and Jim would team up with Slender Man to take me down! And now he looks more menacing than he ever did. I am not coming out of this with all of my fingers, I can tell you that for free.

So then I said to the guy, "shut the fuck up, Inside Voice," and he was really confused.

Oh! There was something I forgot to mention that we did on Wednesday.

How cool is that?

Yeah, we actually got to meet Einstein. It is true that people from olde times didn't actually have pigment.

Pff! I'm actually joking. I can't believe you fell for that. My god, you're stupid. You actually believed that Einstein travelled forward in time and - on a whim - decided that it would be a good idea to come to England, and not only that, specifically go to Josh's house? And you call yourselves persons.

If you were a people then you'd have just thought, "Hah, he said persons. That's so wrong."

But anyway, I totally had you going, didn't I? Unfortunately that Einstein is actually made out of cardboard, and yet he can still theorise wormholes. Do you want to know how we got it there?

It was all very covert. 

Child labour, that's how.

I haven't even gotten onto Saturday yet. Yesterday we all went to Mairaid's goodbye party, in which we celebrated the fact that Mairaid was leaving to go to Germany and we were all going off to uni. Come to think of it, that's actually quite saddening. I'm sad now. In any case, it was all very fun and we drank and danced at Brigstock Village Hall and we all realised that Mairaid was the envy of the entire German group. She gets to live in Germany! I don't! I'm stuck with fucking Leicester!

Uh... Hi, Becca. I love Leicester. I'm super glad that we're going there.

Bullet: dodged.

In any case, the clear stupidest part of the evening was when we were getting ready to leave. We were parked in the car-park of the football field, and Dukey sent me back to the Hall to get his CD while they loaded the car up, on the condition that I get picked up from the Hall. So I picked up the CD and I walked outside and Paul, Andy and Aimee were out there so I thought that I should go and talk to them while I waited for Dukey to get his and Joe's, Josh's and Bekah's arses in gear. This was all very lovely and when their lift arrived about ten minutes later I thought to myself, "what the hell is he doing?" So I ran back to the car park and go to the car park gate and realised that it was shut. My immediate instinct was to think that the guys already knew this and were jut figuring a way to get out. I then thought, "Hang on, this is Dukey, say hi" and proceeded to shout "Hey guys, did you know that this gate is locked?" And it turns out that they were just pissing around at the car for ten minutes because they had no fucking clue that it was locked. Joe ran over and was like "Oh shit" and then was like "Hmm... I should smash it in" and I was like, "Yeah well, the wood is rotting," and then Josh came over and was like, "We could easily pull this off" and I was like, "Okay, you're both openly considering vandalism now," and then Bekah came over and said, "Yeah, no. You're not touching that fucking fence, you bastard." So then we had to ring a taxi and go home to Joe's house.

This morning Joe fixed my necklace with super glue and I was very happy.

Now, hit that fucking Publish Post button before I put things in your head.
Nice things?
No. Not nice things. 

Salute to Stupidity: Becca Slagging Off My Brother Special

Me: "I'm confused at the moment. Because now my brother's spouting shit at me as well."

This is where Becca started this wonderful concoction of all things that insult my older brother.

Becca: 
"Call him a limp dick cock choking parasite."
"Say he's got anorexicock and if he doesn't watch out it's going to whither into a useless husk!"
"Call him a turd-like anarchistic cerebrally-challenged smelly-crotched sperm-bank."
Me: "Hang on, Salute to Stupidity coming up. If you can keep 'em coming, that'd just be fantastic."
Becca: 
"XD"
"All he is useful for is an incense burner to improve the smell of horse barns?"
"I lost it man. :("
"I think anorexicock is the best XD"
Me: "That's absolutely brilliant. I need to know what went through you mind at that point."
"I could call him anorexic... but I also want to say that he's got a small dick... *gasp* idea!"

I think this has been one of my most favourite conversations ever on MSN.

What was especially funny about this was that my brother was standing behind me while she was saying all of this. Brilliance.

Becca, you're an absolute star. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't coming to Leicester with me.

Me and Pet Asian

That's got to be the single funniest Google keyword I've ever had ever.

Peter Duke: ... letters and pictures can't tell you how much I laughed there. Had I been drinking at the time, I'd currently be wiping it up.

I tried desperately to find my blog by searching this, but I couldn't. I know exactly which post this keyword links to, which is the post about Timothy, but they would've still had to have trawled through like 30 or 40 pages of Google to find me.

That's funny shit, right there.

P.S. I've been told to change one of the clicky buttons tick things and so I've changed "Outrageous" (the least clicked ticky click thing) to "You are Correct" because Josh told me to. If you don't like it and want "Outrageous" back, just tick "You are Correct" because that'd be hilarious and ironic.

Uninspiring Title

I looked around my room for an inspiring blog post title name, but the only things I could find were, "Lynx Dry," "Coalition's End," "No Fear," "Adidas," "The Bourne Ultamatum," "Chapter 5," and I think you'll agree with me when I say that none of these things would've been fit as a blog title, and certainly didn't give me any inspiration. Hence the name of today's post.

But did you see last night's pun? What a roffle.
What's a roffle?
I don't know, something My Kids say.
Do you mean rofl?
That doesn't make sense at all. That can't possibly be a word.
It means, "rolling on floor laughing"
But that would mean that they'd have to purposefully make a sentence grammatically incorrect and then shorten it to an anagram.
Well what do you suggest?
It would work better as Iarotfl.
I can see it catching on.
And besides, how can you type, "I am rolling on the floor laughing," if you are indeed rolling on the floor laughing?
Perhaps their inside voices did it.
No, those kids aren't smart enough to have inside voices. And trust me, I know.
Good point. I am an extremely intelligent being.
Yes, yes I am.

Anyway, I decided to leave last night's placeholder post as an actual post, which makes it even funnier because now it's ironic as well. I am definitely the best blogger of all time. You shouldn't even bother looking for a better blog, because you won't find one. Please don't look for a better blog. I only know of one other fantastic blog, and Hyperbole and a Half hasn't been the same since Allie Brosh got a job. I'm the champion of the internets now. Suck it.

Although a Hyperbole and a Half book is coming out next year, which I'm pretty excited about. I should make a book... then I could make monies... hmm... It's weird though, because Allie Brosh said that the book would contain 50% old material and 50% new material, so then she just stops blogging. I would kind of understand if she didn't make as many posts (and trust me, posting once a month definitely counts as not making as many posts. I mean, I don't know how she could live with herself going from posting nearly everyday to posting nearly never), but stopping altogether is just precarious.

Anyway, I believe I wanted to post to make a point. And that point would be...

What have I done for the last few days? Well, on Saturday night (Joe's actual birthday) the Brotherhood got together to celebrate that fact. We started drinking to get through the mountain of alcohol that was still left at Joe's house from the two nights previous, but I didn't drink much of it because I still had a stiff neck and wanted a good night's sleep. Anyway, we played card games for what seemed like hours. Actually, that's probably not far from the truth. I left at about midnight to let the other two get drunk and play more card games. I have no idea what time they finished. The plan was to do it until like 3 in the morning. That's why I didn't stay. And because my house gets locked at like half midnight.

So that was that day. Sunday ... we were supposed to go round Josh's but Dukey was a tit and told us that he was ill, so we chatted on Skype and tried to organise a trip to Australia. I had protested from the get-go that there would be no way in hell that I would be able to save up the money to go to Australia, and after Josh researched everything for like 6 hours we came to the conclusion that we can't do it next year. If I'm perfectly honest with you though, I don't want to do a massive trip like that until Uni is finished, and I'm sure every other sane person on the planet would agree with me. Otherwise I want to go to Cyprus, because I looked into it and they've got old ruins and stuff, and there are beaches for boring people to sit on all day. It sounds like a great place for a holiday.

So that was exciting. On Monday the Brotherhood got together again because Joe wanted to go to town to go to the post office and pick up - uh... [redacted]. Bullet, dodged. He also wanted to buy some new shoes. Oh, and he also gave me some new Tsingtao and I was ever-so-grateful. He felt like he owed me for the book I bought him, but that was kind of a present, buddy. It's kind of a thing to give people those and expect nothing in return apart from a present on my birthday. Smiley face.

Also yesterday Courtney and Emily (a couple of My Kids) caught me as I was walking home from a little bit of light shopping at Sainsbury's. I described to them how easy my life was now and how I still had a month off and how they were really jealous of that, and then Courtney started talking about how things had been, and how things were going to be as she goes into Year 10. But then she started talking about what things had been like without me. Apparently, literally everyone was asking her about me and how I had been. Firstly, this is how news travels around a year group. Because I used to get on Courtney's bus (it's hers now because I can no longer use it) and I occasionally talked to her everyone automatically knew that she was the one to turn to if they wanted to get in contact with me. The odd thing is is that even Mr Barrett (my teaching bro) also asked her how I was doing, assuming that for some reason she still saw me. That's an insight, to say the least. In her own words, "Some people were saying, 'but I didn't even talk to him that much, but things were a lot better when he was here.' So yeah, everyone misses you." As always, I was quite taken aback by this. I mean, it's easy for those kids to say to me, "I'm going to miss you" but to actually hear from the ... what's the phrase? Horse's mouth? Yeah, sure. But to actually hear from the horse's mouth that they talk about me in lesson - without me actually being there to have an influence on them - and do actually genuinely miss me. Aw.

But when I said goodbye to them Bekah pissed me the fuck off. In the middle of the conversation I was having with my kids, I received a text message, so I ignored it because that's the kind of guy that I am. If it's important, they will have phoned. She sent the words, "stop talking to little girls, people will think you're Hoier lol." That's not okay. You should all know that if anyone our age went for my kids then I'd have to kill them. And you should all know, because I'm complained about it before, that the one that angers me more than "ya mum" jokes are paedophile jokes. You can see the proof in the previous paragraph, I helped these kids in a way that many teachers don't seem to be able to manage, but yet you continue, even now, to slander this and compare my brilliance to those low-life, fucked up nutjobs. It's not a laughing matter.

Also, Tom Hoier is not a paedophile. He just went a little... below the bar once. But he's certainly not one of those low-life, fucked-up ntujobs.

If you couldn't understand why any of that isn't funny, then plug yourself into the computer, and fucking hard-wire it in. Straight from this blog if you have to. In fact, I'd prefer it if you did.

Whoa, angry rant over.

Umm... I need something light-hearted to finish the post with.

So yeah, My Kids really miss me, which proves that there is hope for them yet. Anyone who can benefit from my teachings and realise that when I am gone they pretty much have to fend for themselves because they know that a lot of teachers are incompetent will definitely grow up to be the next great thing. For example, Albert Einstein wasn't "all that" in school, but then he met me. He now is famous for theories such as E=mc2 and ... others. Isaac Newton was a dumb piece of shit, but after a little encouragement from yours truly he invented gravity. No he didn't. He simply realised that gravity exists. That's what I said. It may be what you mean, but it's not what you said. Anyway, if you fancy becoming the next big thing then just be taught by me for two years and it's in the bag for you. Stephen Playmountain was homeless before he met me, and now he's one of the most famous Hollywood directors of all time.

There, that should do it.

P.S. My family are complete morons. Apparently there've been some house raids down here, all apparently Indian homes. So who do they think are to blame? "Oh it's the Indians, innit?" Dickheads.

Placeholder Title

Placeholder titles work for placeholder posts.

Just in case you're confused by the concept of a placeholder post, basically I intended to post today but didn't get round to it and now it's like 0018 and I could start a blog post, but I don't want to, so I'm going to put this post here to remind me when I do my daily blog click to write a post. It's totally cool.

Aha! That's the best pun EVER. 

That image actually serves two purposes. Not only does it explain, in the appropriate amount of detail, what a placeholder post is, but it also shows you what a placeholder image is.

It was definitely worth staying up for 15 extra minutes to make that.

Hutch out.

Boom Shaka Laka Joe's Party

I needed to spice up the name a bit.

Right, I'm exhausted from last night so I am so not in the mood to blog right now, but I felt that I needed to as a service to mankind. I know, I get it. I am that awesome.

First off, for some reason Sophia presses ctrl+F "Sophia" on each of my blog posts in search for a mention, and so Sophia, you have a mention. Well done. Your efforts haven't gone unnoticed.

Right, it's time to piece together the things that happened as best I can.

Actually, I should probably mention Sophia's lovely meal that happened on... Wednesday. Basically we all got dressed up in our best outfits and some even went for the Alice in Wonderland theme that had been proposed, but this was actually far too much effort and in any case Joe's costume was the best because he looked like the white rabbit and he went all out with the glasses and the ears and the little tail and the pocket watch. It was surely a sight to behold. Anyway, I warned Sophia that I wouldn't blog about her dinner party because I wouldn't be able to do it justice and I can't so it's here. We all had a wonderful time, Sophia, and as always your meat was absolutely delicious. We all gobbled it down like we would never get any ever again. Do continue to provide your delicious meat, Sophia; we all love it.

Anyway, onto whatever the hell I was talking about. I'm hungry. BRB.

Eugh, can I do it later? Of course I can. I'll do it later.

Later is now. My neck is still killing me but I'm not too knackered to do so now is definitely the most opportune moment to do this. I've also just shredded about a ton of paper and so I needed to do something constructive rather than destructive.

On Thursday at exactly 1901 I arrived at Joe's house and Joe answered the door to say, "I knew he'd be the first one here." He and Becca both looked lovely so I immediately felt underdressed, but they also had changes of clothing so whatever. We then moved to the garden where Joe got to open the present that I had given him. It was a 50ans edition of Catch 22, a book that Becca had told me that he would want, and he was thoroughly pleased with it. He then found the deck of Plop Trumps I had also bought specifically for the party. Plop Trumps is disgusting. Anyway, other people then started to arrive and with them they brought the largest amount of alcohol that I have ever seen ever. There was just loads. Piles. Gallons. I'm glad Joe told me that I didn't need to buy any alcohol for it. There was enough.

The alcohol that we had accumulated then happened.

It really happened.

I'm stalling right now because my memory is straining to put the events in order. Like, I'm actually getting a headache just thinking about that inebriated patch of time that I like to call some point between Thursday evening and Friday morning. Let's uh... let's just put some pictures in.

Alcohol made us dance.

The people who weren't drinking were having lovely conversations.

Alcohol made us pull funny faces. 

Alcoh- actually, that's just me and Becca pulling our normal picture faces.

Anyway, Jed continued to be thrilled by the atmosphere.

And then alcohol made us pull some more funny faces.

 - Interlude -
As you can see, at this point the party was in full swing and the majority of us had begun to get drunk. Okay, so here's a list of things that happened in no particular order:

 - Joe told me to look after Becca because she was drunk
 - Joe told Becca to look after me because I was drunk
 - Joe told me to get more drunk because he had started to get drunk and couldn't accept that I wasn't as drunk as him despite the fact that my tolerance is like a third of his
 - Becca made me dance
 - Sophia kissed me ... on the cheek
 - Josh talked to me about something

Well that was more successful than I thought it would be. Here's some more pictures.

Alcohol then made me forget where my camera was.

Alcohol may have caused this, but I suspect that the green glow means that Josh is to blame.

This is just a nice picture. 

So yeah, that's actually the end of the album. The pictures that help me piece together everything that happened stop there. It's okay though, because I have the memory of an emu who has been given a drug so that it can access 25% of its brain. That's all an emu needs.

The "midnight rave" then happened in the living room and I didn't want to do this so I started mellowing out in the other room. Wait, something else happened first.

Hang on, I gave Sophia my hoodie. I don't remember getting it back. But yet it's here. Never mind.

Anyway, that wasn't what I was talking about. At one point I was sitting outside on the bench because people were doing stuff and setting up music or whatever - I don't know - and Joe came up to me and asked, "are you okay?" because I was sitting alone. Normally when I have a moment to think - especially under the influence of alcohol - I become miserable, but I said to him, "Yeah fine. I haven't been this happy ever." And that's a fact. Instead of contemplating how crappy everything is and what have you, Inside Voice actually started reciting all of the good things in my life. This is definitely a step up. Somehow, some way, I had become completely content. And that's just great. I think you know whose fault that is. Congratulations, your years of tiresome work have actually paid off. Well done. And thank you. I love you.

But yeah, the rave then happened in the front room, and someone convinced me to go in and give it a go. The alcohol then wore off enough to make me think, "but hang on, this music is not only crap, but shit as well. It's about as shitty as Plop Trumps. Why the hell would I even think about moving to this ungodly strain on my eardrums?" I think it was supposed to be dubstep, which is bad at the best of times, but the bass track just wasn't there so it sounded even worse. The alcohol then wore off enough to make me not want to put up with it at all, so I went back to the other room and relaxed. Aimee and Dallamore were there as well, so that was cool. A short while later Becca joined me and as far as I remember we sat and chatted there until everyone went to bed.

The following morning wasn't nearly as fun. It's not really blogworthy either I think. Essentially Becca and I tidied up most of the mess while everyone else gorged on the toast Becca was making from the goodness of her own heart, bless her. And then we had to tackle Edwards' puke. Eugh.

Anyway, right now is Joe's actual birthday, so it leaves me only to copy and past what I wrote to him on Facebook and see where I go from there.

"Yo Joe, it's your birthday. I do hope that you are aware of this fact. 19! What a number, eh? You get to do... zero extra things because everything became unlocked when you were 18 but uh... well 19's still a pretty cool number. For example, 19 is the 8th smallest prime number, and it's also the atomic number of potassium. 19 is also the début album from English soul and jazz singer Adele. The Soviet submarine K-19 was the first Soviet nuclear ballistic submarine.

Probably the most important one for you though is that this is the final year in which you can be a teenager. You have exactly 365 days before you become a boring, normal person, just like every other adult in the UK. You still have a year in which you will still be blamed for all of the problems in the world.

But apart from all of that, enjoy the hell out of yourself. Today is your special day and that's kind of cool.

Happy birthday, Dad :)"

And what is there really to say apart from that? I've already said a billion times that you're a wonderful person and happiness should absolutely always be heading your way because you totally deserve it for everything you do. Seriously, you're not one of those bad people we always hear about. You're one of those silent good people that we never hear about because only bad people crave so much attention that they appear on TV. You've proven yourself to be a top-notch guy and you have the qualities that make an awesome father and a great dog-keeper. No matter where you go and what you do in life only success will swirl around you because you've always been a shining beacon of success and getting free stuff.

Keep up the good work, sunshine.

Peter's Childhood Adventures Episode 1 - Rockingham Castle

I'm just going to place this post right now so that ... fuck. I wanted to post at exactly 2359.

Wait. 

I can still do 0000.

Okay, I have two things to show you in one nice, handy little picture.

Mission complete. 

Yup, that proves that this post was indeed posted at exactly 00:00 and also that my blog views for this month broke all previous records! Whoo!

I've just taken a look at why that is, and most of it is Marble Hornets related, but a bunch of people got to me through crazychucks.com, which is a science website. Fuck yeah. Me and science are like that. That may have been a more effective sentence if you'd seen the action I was doing, but you can guess.

Anyway, that's not what this blog post is all about. I mean it's a part of it, yeah, but it's not the whole thing.

Today, aprés Cornwall, was actually the first day in which I would finally kick-start my childhood. Yay!

Unfortunately this is still a placeholder post because I'm very tired and it's now 00:26. You're right, it didn't take me twenty five+ minutes to do all of this, but that's because I was looking through my blog pictures and reminding myself of how awesome I am. I'm fucking awesome.

So yeah, anyway, we totally went to Rockingham Castle today and it was totally awesome. I was well excited to become a kid again, which you can probably tell by the dramatic change in my tone from horrendously posh to well wicked, mate. Hah, I say "kid again" but really what it is is "kid finally" so that's how it is, really.

Rockingham Castle is kind of cool though, with loads of cool things in it as you'd expect a castle to have.

So yeah, it's got outside castle stuff and inside castle stuff and loads of olde time stuff. Like for example this olde time archway that provides entrance to the castle:

It's even got an olde time gate. 

However, outside this entrance was an olde time sign that confused me.

Damn those digital unattended children.

Read it closely. It says "the following are not permitted in the Castle :- the use of any camera, video, still or digital unattended children." I'd like to firstly ask the people of Rockingham (because obviously this doesn't happen in other towns and villages), how exactly do you use an unattended child, whether it be digital or not? If you have the ability to use an unattended child, then you have an unattended child and therefore the child is no longer unattended. Idiots.

Anyway, there's like fifty interesting photos, so if you have me on Facebook then for the love of god just look there for all of my "olde time" jokes rather than whimpering like a small, digital, unattended child around me for not producing the exact same jokes here.

There's a massive moth in my room. If I hadn't developed a compassion for anything that can produce an amount of blood that can stain and potentially make my hand bloody then it would so be dead right now. It's not even one of those cool moths that you call Geoff and it hangs out on the bus with you in its own little hidey hole that it developed because no one actually cleans any of the buses we had for school.

I have a massive blonde hair on my arse as well. It was stuck to my rape protection device. Guess it worked.

Hmm, it feels like a while since I've posted anything random like this that you're inevitably going to like and love and find hilarious. I don't think I've actually done one in the entirety of August, and yet it is still my most popular month yet. Must be all of my science know-how getting me extra points.

Anyway, I was telling a story, wasn't I? Yeah, I'm not going to bother putting all of the pictures on here, because they're on Facebook and I know it's kind of an old philosophy of mine to just tell you to look at my pictures on Facebook despite the fact that a large percentage of my audience (I'm thinking everyone from Germany and America) don't actually have me on Facebook and therefore can't see these images, but they do say that you're not allowed to take pictures inside Rockingham Castle out of "fairness to future visitors." If I write *spoiler alert* before each picture then I can post them, right?

*Spoiler alert*

Hah! You thought it was something exciting, didn't you? Well no! It's just the sign for the wild garden. I'd wild her garden. Oh shut up. That doesn't even make sense. Okay, how about... I'd tame her wild garden? Just stop. You're embarrassing me. Nothing you didn't already do by yourself. You're so pathetic.

Oh, and if you missed the picture because you didn't want to be spoiled and read the paragraph afterwards which then told what you was in the picture and in turn that spoiled you, I'm sorry. Blame someone who isn't me. Or me.

Anyway, if you desperately wish to see what the rest of Rockingham Castle is like then why don't you visit? It only costs £9 for an adult and kids don't go free! I should so advertise for Rockingham Castle. Let's face it, no one outside of the Rockingham Forest area knows of its existence. In fact, the people who live there probably occasionally think, "What? This is a tourist attraction? No it isn't. Look, that's Jim from down the road. And there's Mary. The people we know and meet everyday just come here to keep us fed. Tourists don't come here. Oh hey, I don't know those four youths! Hey! Youths! Why are you here? Where did you come from?!"

The four youths were us, by the way. I didn't even tell you who I went with. What a despicable person I am. Well, there was Dukey who drove, Harry who talks about football a lot and then there's Bekah whose personal mission it is to discover all of the things that were missing from my childhood and is going to replace them.

0.0 I was never taught how to ride a bike! I mean, yeah, I taught myself because that's just what I did, but it's the principle. Joe, mission.

I'm eating a sausage roll. 

Salute to Stupidity: I was Right Special

1209 - A text message is received.
Joe: Let it never be said I don't accept that I'm wrong. I just read an article about something similar to the magnetic pigments in eyes you described to me and Josh.

1211 - I write a Facebook status
Me: Joe Hadden and Joshua Splodge Hilton. Let it be said that I was correct about the magnetic pigments in birds' eyes. Let it be known that Joe texted me this morning to confirm this. Let it be known that nananananana.
Joe: I knew you would do that lol.

There has yet been no response from Josh.

If there were anyone who could ever make you feel crap about yourself then it would be Josh. Thanks for ruining the one thing that made me in the slightest bit happy this morning in this shit bucket of an existence. I bet you're also the person who ticked last night's insanely depressing post as 'Hilarious'. I don't see what's funny about that. I was trying to reach out to tell you all how I'm feeling right now and you just laugh. Fuck you.