Once More... Unto the Breach

For some reason that title screamed New Year at me. I don't know why and I don't know how, so it's best to not ask questions.

I've decided that because 2010 actually saw a huge change in the whole business of me being me, I needed a post just to confirm that I am actually still awesome and it's not just something that happens towards the end of the year.

Hmm...

Nope, I'm definitely still pretty damn awesome. Go me.

The thing is, I'm really worried that things won't become more awesome than they currently are. I mean, there are only two things that could make things more awesome than they currently are and they are:
1. Girlfriend - standard
2. Get out of this house indefinitely

Really to make this post fully fleshed out I should have looked back to when I started the blog in February 2010, but then I thought "why bother? If you really want change, then don't look back." However, unfortunately the year is currently 1 day old and therefore not concrete enough to form a stable outlook of the year and so I kind of have to look back. But not that far. What I can do is look at the present, what is happening in the here and the now, just so we have some foundations for the year so I know how much things will change. Clever, me.

We'll start with my Real Family in no particular order. You may feel a sense of nostalgia.

Joey-Joey-Joe-Joe
I'm happy to be yours and Luke's butt-baby, but more am I happy to be like super best friends with you now. Your house is like a second home to me, and I'm absolutely certain I'll always be welcome in it. You'll be one of the hardest to let go of this summer when we go our separate ways, but we'll see each other and we'll talk because I know that you cannot stand to be away from me for more than a few days hours minutes. I also overheard from a source that after Becca, I am the first person you turn to (along with Bekah of course, who FYI was the source), and I was extremely touched by this. I love you, Joe-Joe.

Becca
You are exactly what I need in my life, someone to love and care for me no-matter what. At the New Year party you said how you are practically a mother to me anyway, and that is literally what I need. It's what I'm always searching for and I'm bloody well pleased that we met on that fateful science lesson. I've accidentally tried to make girls take this gauntlet before, but none have been so willing as you, and I cannot thank you enough. I love you, Becca.

Bekah
You brought the BSiders together and formed JC nights. Somehow it just seemed like three bros chilling, despite the fact that you're not a dude. You are a bro, though, a chick bro at least. I'm super mega happy that you decided to do this, but we are now unfortunately running out of JC :< (I think that's a distressed smiley) but it matters not, because the Brotherhood will live on. Are you cool with us three being called the Brotherhood? I think it's a cool name. Love you too, Bekah.

Dukey
That's right, this time I didn't call you Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein, but that's because you're an okay guy, and sometimes I wish that I didn't have to inevitably destroy you after a seven-year-long war. Religious warfare aside, you've always been a pretty steady, dependable guy. I can't think of many times when I've just thought "Oh that fucking Dukey" and that only happens if you've been asleep all day and forgotten to come to an event because of it. I'm quite fond of you, Dukey. I'm sorry, I had to spice it up a bit because it was getting tedious and repetitive.


Lukey-Lukey-Luke
You're my other father and you're pretty damn awesome too. I'm pleased that you've decided to bite the bullet and go for this girl, because you might just ease up on the molestation of me. I know you've been pretty frustrated over the last year or so, Luke, but seriously, I was getting kind of worried. You've always been the cool-cat of the Real Family and I think you know and fully accept this. What I think I like most about you is how every time I go around your house your family want to adopt and keep me. That's a joke that won't get old too quickly. I love you, Luke. It's acceptable again. 


Joshua Hilton
As weird and annoying and hilariously stupid you can be, you're a great guy. You seem to accept the fact that I'm not as weird and annoying and hilariously stupid as you and just love me anyway. Laura is frightened that you're going to try and have sex with me one day, but I know you're only joking around when you do all that gay stuff with me. That is a joke right? All those nights we've spent together were just for fun, yeah? Spend quality time together and all that. Nah, despite your shortcomings I find you impossibly hilarious and therefore I love you, Josh. That time I integrated it into the paragraph. 


Now I'm sorry that the following people aren't part of my Real Family, but this is either because I've only just become friends with you, or I've just never become super awesome best friends with you because we're not that close yet. Take it on no personal level, but you guys still mean a lot to me because you're my best friends. Otherwise why would I even bother mentioning you?

Sophia
We've recently become quite close, and I don't quite know what has triggered this. It's probably because I'm super awesome, but you definitely had a part in it too. You recently decided to open your heart to me, and that means that you're someone pretty special, Sophia.

Dallamore
Again, a recent new awesome best friend. You're a pretty awesome guy, Dallamore, and I hope you know this. You're a ginger but we don't sting ya. I'm pretty sure that means that you have proven that gingers do actually have souls, and you've got quite a soul. Hey, first you get to read my blog and then you appear on it! I can see the excitement on your little face now.

Aimee
How could I leave out the ditzy shrew? I know I can be a little mean to you sometimes, but I assure you it's for your own good. (I think I dodged a bullet there) Shouting at you makes you learn faster, probably, and therefore it's justified. You're quite a character though I don't think I give you the credit you deserve.

Westie
You're also quite a character, Westie, and you've wormed your way into my life through DT. You're a pretty cool guy, Westie, but you definitely go over the line with your jokes occasionally. Maybe all the time, actually. But still, without you in DT, I wouldn't have anyone else to talk to who has an intellect that goes beyond "Oh yeah, I got so hammered this weekend I made out with a zebra wearing a leotard." Bravo, Westie.

Laura Squinge
In the brief time I've known you through Josh, you've made quite an impression on me. In fact, you're so new that you don't even know that this blog exists. It'll have to be Josh's responsibility to show you this awesome tome of excellence. I'm glad he found someone like you, because you can tame him while being a great person to hang around with as well. That makes you pretty cool.

Hoier
Your name is Hoier. I kid, you can be called Tom if you want, but that second name will haunt you. While you have been a Peniskopf in the past, especially when drunk, you're actually an all right kind of guy. Heck, you've always been a pretty good friend to me and I can't complain about that one bit.

Harry
Where the hell have you gotten to? We always have an awesome time when we hang out and you're a pretty funny guy, and you can be sincere too, which makes you a well rounded guy. But why the hell don't you hang out more? Get with the program, dude.

Josh and Maisie
You two are literally joined at the hip, but I don't mind that one bit. You're both perfectly happy with me being around and I do enjoy hanging out with you. We always have a bit of a laugh and we actually have our own little inside jokes between us three. That makes us a pretty awesome team, and I am so glad that this is a fact. Thanks, you two.

Kayleigh-Kay
I may not ever see you, but you've had such an impact on my life that I trust you whole-heartedly and will continue to do so forever. I know things aren't brilliant for you right now, but that's why I'm here! Please don't fall away from contact with me because you actually give the internet some hope. Usually I don't like it very much and get angry at it, but when you pop online it's like everything is okay for the internet. I do love you, Kayleigh-Kay, and I know I tell you that a lot, but you got me doing it.

Lauren
We've been friends for a lot of years now and I've always trusted you. With that trust comes the fact that you know everything about me, and I know we don't talk that much any more, but that means that I don't want to let go of you. I know you think I'm a bit of a weirdo, but you've always appreciated my writings and have never denied me help. People like that are keepers, and you're definitely one of those.

You see you lot, my best friends, my Real Family, you make me comfortable to be me. You make me feel better about who I am. Let's face it, there are fucking loads of you now. Last year there was like eight people on here that I considered super best friends, but now there's like 16 of you. That's a lot for me to take in, to be quite honest. That's 16 of you that I feel like I can trust and call super best friends. With you guys at my side, we will not only be unstoppable, but it also means that this year is off to a great start and it can only get better.

Whoo! *Party pop*

Bring it on, 2011.

Super Christmas Adventure Episode VI - Return of the Flashing Lights, Loud Noises and Booze

I first have to congratulate Sophia for giving me that awesome blog title.

Oh wait, I forgot something.

Happy New Year!

Damn that's an awesome Paint job. Hah, Paint job.

Anyway, just to introduce this whole thing, the celebrations were done at Joe's house with a host of guests including: Joe, Josh Hilton, Laura (Josh's girlfriend), Sophia, Hoier, Becca, Aimee, Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein, Thomas Leach and me. That was for reference in case I can't be bothered to call them by their proper name or whatever. In fact, it was mainly so that I can call Josh Josh instead of Hilton. It's just necessary, a'right?

Anyway, Dukey decided at like 3 that he wanted to come to Kettering because he was bored, so at 4 I invited him in because I wasn't ready yet to go out. I let him play Plants vs Zombies on my new awesome laptop while I got changed, and then we walked the dog because he was begging for it (the dog was begging, meaning). Oh yeah, Dukey completely dislikes dogs. Like he has an actual hatred of them. But once again, Walter proved that he is the bee's knees when it comes to pets, because Dukey loved him.

Anyway, while walking the dog, Joe told us that we could come over at any time, which is cool. We surprised him with the dog, who wandered into his house and had a sniff. Becca heard that Walter was in and rushed down the stairs half ready to come and cuddle him and asked if they could keep him. Unfortunately I had to take Walter home, but then went back to Joe's because I could no longer stand my house.

So yeah, I settled down and told Aimee that I couldn't be bothered to pick her up because I was far too comfortable in Joe's couch with a Becca next to me. For the next hour or so, we watched the new Big Bang Theory and some Russell Howard's Good News, both of which are hilarious.

Anyway, the rest of the posse soon arrived and the party got going. The first memory that comes to mind was Josh trying to show us his lock-picking tricks. He didn't do very well. Next on the list is the first round of shots, supported by photographic evidence on Facebook. First funny moment was when Josh put shot glasses in the frames of a pair of 3D glasses and did Josh stuff, which was all very amusing.

Josh stuff. 

Okay, I'm trying to remember the events of the party in a time-lined fashion by using the pictures from my camera, but that's not working very well. I spent a good portion of this part of the evening with Josh and Laura, and the next memorable moment came when Josh showed me the simplest card trick in the world. The first time it was pointless because he didn't pick my card, but then he picked the same card from the top of the deck every single time, and this baffled my tipsy mind.

A lot of pictures of people looking stupid later and a second round of shots happened. Oh, and for good measure, here's a picture of people looking stupid and a picture of the second round of shots.

Aha. 

Me first!

I've just been informed by Sophia not to forget the Hat names. At some point during the night, and I have no idea when this happened, but hats were found and pretty soon everyone was given their own Hat name. Hat names are very simple, and comprise entirely of just sticking a H at the start of your name. For example, we had Hophia, Hom, Hhomas, Hosh etc. You get the idea. This was apparently hilarious, but I remember not fully understanding why this was happening at the time, but I went ahead and rolled with it. In fact, you can see Hukey sporting his very own hat in that picture up there.

Then this happened:

Pretty colours.

Yes, the lights were turned off, the strobe was turned on, the music was pumped up to the jam and glow sticks were waved. I first tried to use my firework setting to get these pictures, but I soon discovered a setting called High Sensitivity, which then created that up there. The picture quality isn't the best, but you have to remember that A: higher sensitivity means that it captures more movement, and B: the only light was the strobe.

So yeah, midnight was soon upon us and this of course meant more alcohol and lots of noise. As is the tradition, we stuck on the countdown on the BBC so that we could synch up with the rest of the country. The following scenes can be seen (eventually) on a hastily-taken video that probably hasn't worked very well. I just watched it in fact and I rarely saw any faces. It stayed at pretty much boob-level so it won't be that great to watch. I apologise in advance for this. Anyway, after the countdown there were hugs and kisses all round, along with a lot of people not liking the taste of champagne.

Anyway, after that the party wound down a bit. Kind of. Almost. Not for a little while. I wound down a bit after that. Becca apparently caught me being miserable and tried to find out what was wrong with me. I explained how I just don't like New Year's that much because nothing changes, but things are supposed to if you catch my drift. It made more sense when I was explaining to her. Anyway, I remember saying "I really like you" because she made me feel good about myself, but I can't remember why. Reminder would be good :)

Now after that the party started to wind down over a period of about three hours before I decided to go to bed with the others that were tired. I topped and tailed with Becca while Hoier, Sophia and Dukey slept on the air bed. Over the next few hours I slipped in and out of consciousness. For example, I woke up when Becca started feeling up my feet, but then she put the duvet over them so that was fine. In fact, that happened several times. The other time I woke up was when Becca tossed over and I realised that if I bent my knees for comfort, they'd go right into Becca's ass. I tried to find a comfortable position, but eventually I gave up and let my sleeping mind decide what to do with my knees. They went into Becca's ass. I say ass, but it could have easily been a thigh or her back. So yeah, those were the night time highlights.

The next morning was a pretty standard Joe's house morning. People left one by one, and all the while Joe-Mum-Toast was being fed to us. There's not really much to report about this part of the day, because not much happened. You know, aside from the world-famous Joe-Mum-Toast.

Eventually everyone was gone but Joe, Becca and I. Since I only live a short walk from Joe's house, I decided to help out with the cleaning because I'm that kind of guy. Lots of cleaning stuff happened. I'll tell you what, I cleaned Joe's house a damn side better than I'd ever even think about cleaning this room. We then crashed on the sofa with the intention of me leaving in a few minutes because Joe wanted a shower, but then a Bekah turned up. This was an extra excuse to stay with my Real Family, so I took it. That's another thing, one of the conversations during the night was about trying to work out who exactly did what with my birth and/or the role they take. If you think you have a role, please tell me what you think that role is. But yeah, she talked about her night, which sounded fun. To be honest, I was only really interested in hearing if she used my slogan "Pukka Pies... don't compromise." It's just the best slogan in the entire world. But no, she had a good night and we had a good night, so it was cool. Anyway, soon she left and that prompted me to leave as well to return to the people I'm forced to live with. And that's where I am now.

But it was a properly good night. And I'm pretty sure the length of this post would support that. I mean, come on, this is a hell of a post. Look at it! It's got loads of text and loads of pictures. Certainly it was indeed the best start to a new year ever.

In fact, I'm all emotional now and need to post again, because seriously this post is ridiculously long.

Now there's only two things left to say. 2011 is set up to be one of the best year's of my life and I'm glad I'm taking you guys, my Real Family, with me.

Resolutions

Okay, I didn't want to post purely about New Year's resolutions today because that's like half a line, so I'm going to go ahead and first talk about last night's dream. That's pretty significant because I never ever remember my dreams, and as dreams go, this one's pretty freaky.

The dream started in this pretty awesome house. It was actually awesome. For some reason the school wanted us to be in on a Tuesday in the middle of the holiday, but yeah. So, I was a naked woman. Yeah, that's why this is a little weird. Yeah, me and my fellow naked women decided to go to school... naked. Anyway, then the plot changed and I was in bed in my ideal house. I mean me this time, the guy you always see. I don't know what happened to the naked women. So yeah, this next bit is a little weird, but I saw loads of people that I know suddenly decide to visit me, including you lot and my kids. I don't remember if anything was said, but it was all over within moments, just like the next few moments because suddenly we were trying to drive to school, except there was no one at the wheel and someone was trying to hopelessly control the car. I said that I could do it, and I did pretty well. Then for some reason the car turned into a bike with a missing wheel, so I ended up back at my new house without a car. Then suddenly I realised that it was 12:45, and somehow spent an entire morning trying to get to school. That's when I think I gave up and the dream ended.

So yeah, this is a post about resolutions, since this is that time of year when it should be thought about. This is always a hard task for me, because I'm such a perfect person. There has only been one resolution that has really stuck out to me this year, but I dare not write it here because it's not exactly the kind of thing you'd write on the internet. Otherwise the same old crap returns again. Get a girlfriend. Eugh. That's pretty standard. Standard is really boring, and that means that is now in the front of my mind again, right where I don't want it to be. Ace my exams, that'll work.

This has been a sham of a post and I apologise. It was meant to be meaningful and insightful, but it hasn't been. I apologise with greatest sincerity.

A New Year suggests that changes are to be made, and every year I wish that they would. I believe I wrote something in Travis about it. Okay, let's do this.

01/01/09
"Yappy Hew Near!
Yes, that is the most stupid way I could think of saying 'Happy New Year' but it matters not.

I'll be brief this time, nothing much has happened today.
Had my Great Auntie and Uncle over, they seemed as cheerful as ever, despite Bob's increasing problem with his movement and health.
It shows real bravery and character to be able to laugh at your own suffering, and make others laugh with you.

My resolution?
Exactly this. Keep writing in here, in Travis. Sorry if I don't refer to you in second person, but you are just a collection of my thoughts. That's a little rude, isn't it?


I also hope my life will change as soon as I hit 16. It didn't. I'm still looking for the chance to have a meaningful relationship that isn't tainted by anyone, damn Brogan, that bastard. He really hurt my feelings.
"I didn't mean it!" was his response to me, pfft, bullshit I say. It once again leads me to believe that my theory of the Collective (God is just our collection of thoughts bundled together to control everything, sort of) is true, how else could I have this much bad luck with girls despite the fact that Luke, Becca and even Brogan say that I'd have a good chance with anyone? Just words. Little harsh. Nope, for some reason all girls have this joint hatred of me - well, that might be a little strong. A little strong?
I hate being the 'friend' though.
Sure, I love helping, but it's just not helping me get in their pants. I get it now!


'Nothing changes... on New Year's Day...'
U2, great song.
Hopefully, it won't apply here though, the Collective needs to change. I was really obsessed with that theory wasn't I?


I admit, I feel more accepted and respected in the world right now, and my happiness (this is certainly not happiness I'm displaying) will continue to remain (when I am back at school with my friends of course) but the fact is I still want someone else in my life, someone I can be attached to, but not too attached - I regret the last time that happened.

Okay, I lied, I'm not being brief.

I hope to hell I have sex during this year, but I haven't even made out with anyone yet. Oh just wait two weeks, my friend.
Third base with a girl? Keep hoping.
I can only hope it's sooner rather than later. I remember telling someone how I was going to kill myself (gasping face) if I'm still a virgin at 19 - Luke I believe. How could he even look at me after I said that? That's bad, man. Really bad. Like super mega bad. It's a good thing I'm super awesome now and not like that. 
Colon s. Hah, I was funny.


Peace out." Smooth.


Yeah, that wasn't nice, was it? Tomorrow I'll post something nicer than that, I promise.

Peace out.

Super Christmas Adventure Episode V - The Entire Week Strikes Back

I should've done a post for Christmas Day, I know. If not that I should've posted on Boxing Day. I apologise. It's now Monday and you still haven't got your hexology of the Super Christmas Adventure, and time is running out. I guess episode six will have to be New Years, but that's not for another few days yet so just be patient. We'll get there.

So, what on Earth has been happening over the past week? Note: The date of post release is Tuesday 28th, but I will endeavour to update as I go along. 


I guess I'd better start with Christmas Day since that's kind of a big deal around here. It's either about a fat guy with a beard that breaks into people's homes and steals their food and wine, but then for some reason leaves a load of stuff under a fir tree... or it's about a kid who became born about a month from now two thousand and ten years ago. That kid grew up to have a beard. Wait a minute...

:O NO WAY!

It all makes sense now. In fact, let me throw you another written theory at you.
Father Christmas/Santa
Son Jesus/Emanuel
Holy Ghost of Christmas Past/Present/Future

Duh!

So on Clausemas Day I got up thinking "Shit, it's Christmas Day" because that means that A: I have to get up an hour earlier than I intend and B: I have to spend time with the people I'm forced to live with. This makes it the single worst holiday EVER. There are a few upsides to this though. One being that there is a lot of delicious food like turkey, stuffing and pigs in blankets. The other being that it is at this time of year that I get an upgrade to something I already own. This year I got a laptop. It's the best laptop in the world. Not only does it have good everything, but it's also like a billion inches wide (that's a lot of inches) and better than that, I can now plug it into my new 32 inch awesome TV to watch movies in HD. I can't even watch movies in HD on the Sky TV. I'll tell you something funny, Google Chrome doesn't recognise the word movies, but it does recognise monies. That's a little hilarious. You know what else Google Chrome doesn't recognise? Google. It doesn't even have its own name in the dictionary. Hahahahaha. 


So yeah, that pretty much sums up Christmas Day. Boxing Day is good because I can get up at whatever time I want and spend all day alone, that is until we visit my great auntie and uncle. I have no qualms with my auntie and uncle, since they've always been the relatives that I don't mind being related to through this whole adoption thing I went through soon after birth. The one funny thing I remember about this event is when I went all grammar police on my Nan after she said "You were... no sorry, you was," and my insides literally started to burn. I soon put her in her place, "Why did you correct yourself wrongly?" That's exactly what she did. She had the correct answer, but then she went ahead and picked the wrong one. Well, that's what you get for being from Wolverhampton. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but people from Wolverhampton are idiots, purely for that incident. She's let the team down.

Anyway, Christmas Day Bank Holiday Monday. That's what it's called. We literally have another day to celebrate Christmas and Boxing Day all over again. We have Christmas Day Bank Holiday Monday, and Boxing Day Bank Holiday Tuesday. Since when has there been bank holiday Tuesdays? And why don't we have more of them? It's heresy, I say. Anyway, Monday, I got to have a wonderful walk with Bekah. Yeah, I can't actually talk any more about this because of the confidentiality of the conversation, but I did learn something about myself.

Bekah is all about letting everyone know how things are, what's going on and what's happening inside her head. I am not. In fact, it has become completely apparent that I don't do emotions any more, and I'm just 'fine' with how everything is. For her, this was a problem because she couldn't get a word out of me. I've given up on drama. As I said with hand movements, "Drama's over here, I'm over here." I do have seven thousand problems inside, but if they don't appear here then it's apparent that either they're just recurring problems that I'm now bored of and can't be arsed with any more, or they're just tedious and I don't care about them. I think it's a good thing that I don't let things get me down now though, or I'd probably have just given up. Besides, since when did you guys want to hear about my problems anyway? Apparently Bekah's very interested in them. In fact, she managed to get me to open up about who I've liked in the past. That's another thing I've put behind me, because stupidly I now think pointless infatuation is awful and I'd rather just not give a damn about it. But no, she did swindle something else out of me which I won't divulge here because it's public and people read me now.

However, on the flip side I'm awesome and problems don't come under the title of awesome, so fuck them. Yeah.

So, what happened on Boxing Day Bank Holiday Tuesday? As far as I remember, nothing happened at all. It was a lonely day of loneliness, spent I think on the Xbox. Let's move on.

Now Wednesday is a day worth mentioning. My first job of the day was to make £20, which I did, and I was content with that. My second job of the day was to go to the bank and get my current account sorted out. Hah. What a joke. I went into the bank to be told that the advisor for accounts was on holiday, and that everyone else in the world was busy. Quite frankly, I think I could've done this alone, because it doesn't really sound that difficult. Yorkshire Bank advertise the fact that all you have to do is sign a few papers and they do the rest, so why do I need an advisor? In any case, I walked out without a bank account and was annoyed. Anyway, later that day, Joe, Bekah and I had another Jonathan Creek evening. We've very nearly run out of JC, which is quite distressing. How would we be alive without JC? Okay, it's not exactly our lifeline, but JC is amazing. Wait a minute, I'm having a revelation. What if it's not about JC? What if it's about us three from BSide hanging out and having a good time? JC just factors into the equation because it's awesome. Intriguing theory.

Thursday happened today and I haven't done anything except set up the new printer we have (it's awesome) and recorded the first ever RichChief Podcast (it's awesome). Be sure to look out for the podcast when it comes about soon enough.

Anyway, Tuesday Wednesday Thursday is today and that means I'll carry this on later although Friday is New Year's Eve and therefore the start of Episode VI, ooh. Episode VI will be completely reserved for New Year's, I can assure you.

Super Christmas Adventure Episode IV - A New Belt

Shit, it's Christmas Day. 

Well um, I'd better get this done pretty quickly to be quite honest with you. 

Okay, so to pick it up where we left off on the 23rd, after I posted my post I had my dinner, and then Joe and Becca picked me to up to try and find Edwards' house which was somewhere in Geddington, but we spent like 10 minutes finding the damn street he lives on. But it mattered not, because we arrived first because we're awesome like that. 

Anyway, quickly quickly quickly because I'm tired and need some sleep because I haven't in like seven thousand years (two nights). Soon the party got going and party stuff happened. Um, memorable bits include dancing, prancing and another word that rhymes with dancing. I honestly can't think right now and all thoughts turn to after the party wound down and we found our sleeping arrangements. Josh, Josh and I were in the spare bedroom, which is where the Edwards sort their laundry. To cut a short story long, Hilton was on the floor using the laundry as a pillow, and at some point he decided that it would be a mature thing to start flinging it at me and Quach who were in the double bed together. What really peaked his interest was when he found a lacy thong, because to him that's just about the most hilarious thing you could ever find while rummaging through someone else's laundry, and I did mention on several occasions that people get arrested for shit like that, but this is Hilton; he doesn't give a damn about such trivial matters. 

Right, what else can I remember. There was poker, but I didn't take part in it because I don't know what's good and what's bad and it's impossible to beat a Jew at poker because they just horde money when they see it. If you find that comment offensive, you can insult me. If you insult me but I know for a fact that you find Jewish jokes hilarious, then I will stab you in the eye with my penis. 

Oh yeah, I should tie in the name of this post. Hoier got me my secret Santa present finally, and it was a very lovely ace of spades belt. Unfortunately the belt is too big for me and I'll need a belt hole puncher before I can use it, but hey. 

I'm sorry, this post is disgraceful and I really can't do Edwards' party justice because it was genuinely awesome. The only other things that I can draw my attention to now are things that I shouldn't say, and things that I can't say for discretion purposes. 

I probably shouldn't have even mentioned that I'm withholding information, because now you'll all ask questions. While I trust you all (not you, Stephenson who the fuck is Stephenson?), it's not my place to say it, because it's not about me. I mean, why would it be about me? The only weird thing that happened to me was this text message: "You are a sexy beast with a collosal third leg, cheer up xxxxx." I don't know why that was written, and I don't even need to tell you who wrote that text. I guess I did get a little fed up when all the drunk guys were attempting to play poker, and all the sober people were talking about their sexual experiences, so I couldn't really join in either way. In fact, Quach even said, "We need to find you a girl, Hutchy." Hold on. 

Quach: We need to find you a girl, Hutchy. 

Me: There's no finding about it. You can't just walk into a room and pick out a girl and say "that one". I paraphrase, I can't remember what I actually said. 

Quach: Well we at least need to get you laid. 

I guess that's just my problem though. Quach says that your first time should not be with the person you want to be with, because your first time will be crap. I beg to differ. The first time should be something special, not just an initiation to full manhood, but if you do cock up a bit, the random girl whom you just boinked may then tell everyone else, and then you get a bad reputation. However, if you're with the girl that you want to be with, then the likelihood is that she'll want to be with you, and therefore she'll understand that it might not be as good as it could be. 

I'm sorry, it's Christmas Day and that means I have to spend the entire day being forced to spend time with the people I'm forced to live with, as opposed to my birth parents or my Real Family. 

All in all though, it was a fantastic party and I had some good moments. It's been a brilliant week with you, Real Family, and I hope to Jesus (me) that we do something soon again because staying in this house is an actual nightmare. You'd hate it. The only relief is Walter, because he's the best dog in the world, but otherwise just no. 

Once again I apologise for this appalling post and I'll give you some witty wit soon. 

I promise. 

Cherry Mristmas everyone! 

Super Christmas Adventure Episode III - Revenge of the Very Sharp Spear

"Do not move or I will stab you with my very sharp spear!"

That pretty much sums up the Leach's party.

I jest of course, it wasn't a half-bad shindig. It wasn't the sort of party where I can say "Haha this happened" or "He ran around the room on his head shouting rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr, roar roar roar roar roar." In hindsight, I've never actually said the latter phrase ever, but I'm sure it would be hilarious if I ever had the opportunity to.

So, the day began with me waking up, me watching two episodes of Smallville because the season finale was coming up and I really wanted to know what happened because it was all getting very tense and exciting, and then I took the dog for a walk, at which point Hadley gave me a call to ask if I and Joe wanted to go to town to do a little bit of shopping. We agreed.

I picked up Hadley from her house with the dog so that she could see it and make the "aww!" sound a lot because Walter is quite possibly the cutest, most huggable-lovable dog in the entire world. When we got back to my home, I dried the dog and then we were off to Joe's house. Then we were off to Disneyland! I mean town. I have no idea why I said Disneyland.

It was pretty much the usual affair between us three. We laughed at each other's jokes and generally had a nice time. I also got my Dad's present, which was a bonus. He's such an easy man to buy for, and I don't know if I've said this before, but he literally said to me when we were in Sainsbury's, "That's what I want, a big torch," and so I got him a big torch. It has a krypton bulb, and so I finally have a way to defeat Superman.

Anyway, after a drink at Joe's we hitched a ride with his father to make our way to the Leach's. Naturally we had absolutely no idea where it is, so we asked Josh for directions. We thought Josh was proficient in the direction-giving area, but his crude instructions begged to differ. I say that based on a later event, but it matters not because we got there (kind of) and we only had to walk a hundred yards or so before we managed to find the home of the Leach twins.

When we got in we were led to the bar. They have a bar. I mean, actually, they have a bar. This was the Leach's equivalent of Sophia's huge juicy pork. It's not just like where they store drinks and stuff either, it's a fully functioning bar. With a stereo system.

Hold on.

...

...

My Dad just handed me £140. I'm now happy.

...

...

And we resume.

So yeah, they have a bar, and that's where we spent the first part of the evening. We broke out the deck of cards and played an intriguing game called Scabby Queen. Essentially if you have the queen or still have cards at the end of the game then the winner gets to smack you on the knuckles with the deck.

Anyway, that was that for a while and then a Hilton arrived with his Laura and then after that pizza arrived so we moved to the dining room to munch. That happened and then we moved into the lounge to watch "Do not move or I will stab you with my very sharp spear" also known as "Jedi". This was a hilarious film but it had a few disappointments. If you watched it, you'd instantly know what they are if you're a Family Guy fan. Oh, I'll tell you what I do recommend you watch on YouTube. It's called Here Comes Dr Tran, and it's hilarious. Some people manage to go on YouTube and find the funniest videos ever, which is not a knack I have. I go on YouTube and manage to find the worst videos ever. But I suppose that's just my luck.

Anyway, all in all it was actually quite a good night. In fact, it was another one of those nights that gave Joe and Josh to be gay all over me. I'm not quite sure why this happens, but apparently men will be gay for me for no apparent reason. I don't want gay all over me to be quite honest. I have nothing against gay people but I really don't appreciate men going gay all over me.

Anyway, next morning (the morning of today in fact) we made bacon and soon we were carted off in Joe's mum's car to pick up Becca. It was quite a nerve-racking ride for Joe's mum because she doesn't like the ice, but we made it, picked up Becca and got to Joe's house. At having to fight my usual battle of saying "Nope, stop at your house and I'll walk home" Joe decided that he and Becca would walk me home, which was fine. I then invited them in so they could see Walter and it was unanimously decided that he is the best dog in the world. Like, literally the best dog in the world. People normally don't like schnauzers very much, but Becca has now decided that Walter would be her ideal dog. He is the best dog in the world and it can't be denied. So uh... I win.

After I won, they went home and in exactly one hour and a bit because we'll most likely be late, we'll be at Edwards' party and the fourth instalment of our epic Christmas Adventure.

Until then. I don't have time to make it super awesome this time, but tomorrow I promise that I'll make an epic thing to go with it. 

Super Christmas Adventure Episode II - Attack of the Pork

Ah yes, my next Christmas adventure. Today was Sophia's turn to host an event of epic proportions, and it was indeed an event of epic proportions. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do it justice with my musings, but I'll give it my best shot.

The day began, as it did yesterday, with the heating well and truly off in my house. It was so cold I didn't dare walk on the stone slabs that cover my kitchen. That's like killing your feet with death. And hypothermia. So yeah, I got up at a reasonable time of 1100 and threw together a quick sandwich because there was a rapist in the kitchen who was raping the plumbing to try and fix our heating. So yeah, I then threw on some clothes and made my way out into the wild.

I must state at this point that Sophia lives more than five miles away from my house. On any normal day I'd get a lift off someone because I can't drive yet and the man who calls himself my father is at work all week so is unavailable for anything. However, because of unforeseen circumstances, I chose had to walk to Sophia's. Luckily I studied the route extensively on Google Maps the night before, so I was well prepared.

I say well prepared.

The reality is that no map can prepare you for the reality that there are no footpaths for about two miles from the road between Kettering and Rothwell, so I almost died five thousand times when cars whizzed past me. But it was fine, because I saw this:

You'll never out-fox the fox. 

And I'll tell you what, there may have been snow on the ground but I had to make half of my journey half-naked because it was bloody hot. Before I left it was -3. -3! No bloody wonder I was roasting in my own huge winter coat. I actually felt colder inside my house.

Anyway, that wasn't what this blog post was all about, but it was a nice touch. I arrived at Sophia's half an hour earlier than Google said I would. So what's that? Yeah, I beat the internet. Fuck you internet; I beat you.  Anyway, she welcomed me into her humble abode where there were already a few people, including a Quach, a Keeble, and a Dallamore. All three of those names aren't recognised by Google Chrome. The internet is not doing any favours for itself today.

Anyway, general banter happened for a while, until a Goodall and a Hadley arrived, and then some more banter happened, with a lot of dancing Quach, until Sophia ordered us to the dinner table. Soon various food items were placed on the table, and all was well. In the centre of the table were the vegetables, which were delicious, and around it were pigs in blankets, which were delicious, chicken, which was delicious, and gravy, which was delicious. Then Sophia brought out the big-guns. By big-guns, I mean the pork crackling. After breaking through the crackling, and then it looked like this:

Damn that looks good. 

Indeed it does look good, caption. The pork was delicious. According to Quach, so was the crackling. I mean, all credit to the chef on this one, it was actually delicious. Like actually delicious. I cannot emphasise enough how DELICIOUS IT WAS. It was delicious. I've actually written an entire paragraph that simply says that Sophia's meat was effing gorgeous.

We then had strudel. That was also delicious. Bravo, Sophia. Actual bravo, though, like, this and that all over your tat.

I got carried away with my chav sayings. I don't think I've ever heard a chav say "this and that all over your tat" though. They should definitely start.

Anyway, then this happened:

Perfect synchronised dancing for the win. 

Yeah, Bekah and Quach made their own dance. How awesome is that? Anyway, then this happened:

What has been seen... 

Yup. Then we watched Inception, which is an epic movie. I actually understood all of the little nooks and crannies of the film I didn't get last time. Okay, I actually can't get over how good the pose is for those bears. The pink one actually has its arms around the other one's hips. You can't get much more realistic than that. It's genuinely hilarious. In fact, it's so hilarious that this happened:

... cannot be unseen. 

Now they're doing it orally! Those bears have got the life. The life.

Anyway, I think that about wraps up Sophia's party. As I said, I probably didn't do it justice because it was actually a brilliant day/evening and I thank Sophia very much for putting up with us. Smiley face.

Until our next adventure! *Theme music* I decided to add theme music because it just seemed dull last time. I'm sure next time I'll spruce it up even more, because I'm that kind of guy. 

My Visit to the Keydoc

Since all sources of heat in my house are now dead I have to occupy myself because now the place in which I live isn't this warm snuggly heaven that I can use to escape from the bitingly cold and harsh temperatures of the outside world. I don't know how they died, but all I know is that my hands and feet aren't working properly because my blood is more concerned with keeping other parts of my body warm. In fact, this situation becomes more dire because of the fact that I can't even have a hot shower. I like hot showers! So I've had to employ my knowledge of science and do everything necessary to keep my room warm. I have shut the curtains, replaced my bulbs and turned my light on. From it being a lot beneath 20 degrees this morning, it is now 17 degrees, which is adequate. Go me and science.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about. That up there gave me an excuse to write this post that I've been meaning to do for a while, because there's no better way to start a post than with a complaint about how shitty my day has been so far. I wanted to tell this story because it was amusing to Josh H (but everything I say is amusing to him, so that wasn't the biggy) and Hannah Elwood (that was the important bit, because I don't talk to her very often, but apparently I'm awesome enough for her to suddenly tell me the state of her insides [suddenly realised that that sounds weird, I mean her intestines and shit, not her va-jay-jay]).

Anyway, I take you back about a year before I had even started this blog. I know, you wouldn't believe that I've only been blogging for 9 months, would you? But yeah, it was more than a year ago in fact, but I had been suffering all day from horrible stomach cramp. Eventually it had gotten to the point where I could barely move. I sat down to fuss the dog at the end of the hallway, but then he left and I literally couldn't get back up again. Eventually my Nan noticed and was all concerned and shit that I appendicitis and I was going to die.

No one is safe from appendicitis. 

So my Dad took me down to the keydoc. The next part of the story is why this story was amusing to Josh and Hannah. Because I'm independent now and because my apparent-father hates me, I was standing (standing was an incredible feat for me at this time. You have no idea how much pain I was in) at the reception, and when it was my turn to see the receptionist I got a very blunt question.

"Do you have an appointment?"

This made me angry. In my head I was saying, "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE IF I HAVE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT?!!!" and my mood can be expressed by this picture:

Yes. My hair had become fire.

But in reality, I was in too much pain to raise my voice so I decided to exploit this and look cute. "N-no..." and I used my eyes to beg to her that I needed help now or I would die.

Receptionist: "Okay, fill out this form and take a seat."
Inside voice: "FILL OUT THE FORM!? I'M BARELY STANDING UP AND I'M CLUTCHING MY STOMACH IN AGONY, AND YOU WANT ME TO FILL OUT A FUCKING FORM?!"
Outside voice: "O-okay..."

I collapsed against the wall and wrote down the unnecessary details. It asked me what my symptoms were. I wanted to write, "Death" but that seemed a bit extreme, so I went with "abdominal pain" to sound smart, but in reality I had come here so that a doctor could tell me what my symptoms were, so once again I wasn't particularly happy. I then handed her my best attempt at the form that the evil harlot made me fill in and then I went to sit in the waiting area.

The next part of the story was pretty uneventful. Essentially I went into the doctor's office to see someone who had no idea who I was, nor what my symptoms were, which struck me as odd because I had just spent five minutes filling in a form. Where the hell did it go? Anyway, the next part was pretty standard.

Doctor: So what's wrong?
Inside voice: I'm dying. My insides are burning up and I'm dying. It's definitely not appendicitis because it is most definitely Ebola. Yup, it is because my spleen just melted and is not on the floor. I'd mop that up if I were you.
Outside voice: It's just this blinding pain in my abdomen.
Doctor: I'm now going to touch you to see where the pain is.
Inside voice: People get put in prison for that you paedophile!
Outside voice: Ouch.

It turned out not to be appendicitis and just a lot of pain. In fact, I had limped out of there knowing exactly what I had done when I walked in. I was in pain, and that's the only explanation they could give.

So, that was the story of my trip to the keydoc. I hope you enjoyed it.

Super Christmas Adventure Episode I - The Phantom Spruce

I said I'd be updating in a rapid fashion, but I intend to keep these updates pretty short just in case you're here in a week's time and you've got a million years worth of posts to catch up on. I don't want you straining your eyes or anything, but hey, if it's my blog you're straining your eyes on, I'll be happy. I don't want to catch you straining your eyes on anyone else's blog, you harlots.

Anyway, what did happen upon this very fine occasion? Well, Becca's present arrived yesterday, so I needed to take it to her. Luckily she was at Joe's house, so when they had returned home from shopping, I hauled the package over with me. When I arrived Becca was wrapping presents because Joe couldn't be bothered, but Joe was making tea so it kind of balanced out. By watching Becca wrap up I finally understood how people actually manage to wrap up presents nicely. See, she was cosmetically altering the wrapping as she went along, cutting off bits that were too long and using just enough tape to stick it down. My tactic is either A: Don't wrap up at all or B: Get a load of paper and a lot of tape and hope for the best.

After that, I discovered a drink that I can have on cold days to warm me up (because I despise hot drinks, although I should probably re-try tea because I haven't in a while), and that's red grape juice. It's wonderful. Despite it being cold, it tasted warm, and that's the important thing.

Then Becca opened her present, and I was quite anxious because the Amazon box it came in was punctured and it didn't feel properly secured while I was carrying it, but it was fine. She looked on it in amazement. I had gotten her a Sun Jar, and she loved it. It was the height of entertainment for the night.

Anyway, after this we went to get Joe's Christmas tree from Boughton House, which was actually really easy. Joe's Dad talked to a guy, a tree was picked, packaged and we were gone again. We got back home, Joe's Dad clipped the tree and then Joe, Becca and I were tasked with decorating it. Here's what all of our hard word amounted to:

Oops, it appears we've gotten in the way.

Better.

That's a pretty awesome tree. In fact, it's the only participation I've had with Christmas decorations this year at all, and I'm pretty damn pleased it was with these two :)

Until our next adventure.

Christmas Thursday

Nothing kicks off Christmas better than a last day of school. Let's get straight in and do some hardcore, pornographic blogging. Without the pornographic part. I mean, come on, I can't do porn; this is the internet. Show some class.

First Lesson - Janina
Very simple and easy lesson with Janina. She gave us a stimulus card (which are always easy) and I quote Janina saying this: "My job is done. You no longer need me." She said this because I nailed a huge complicated paragraph full of subjunctives. I was all like "yeah" and *air-fist-grab-pull*. She then taught us about Weihnachts nach Deutschland. Famously, they have their Weihnachtsmarkt (Christmas Market), which I was able to see one year in fact. They're brilliant. They sell everything you could possibly want for Christmas, ranging from decorations to Bratwurst. Although Bratwurst is just staple for everything in Germany, whether a Feier (celebration) or not. Forgive my use of Deutsch, it's really in my Kopf right now. But what you may not know is that on the 6th of December, they all clean their shoes and put them outside so that St. Nikolaus (not Santa, but the guy who Santa is said to be... yeah, it's a little confusing) can put small gifts in them, usually sweets. Also, the 24th is official present day, since the 25th is all about eating a huge goose for lunch. Hah, Janina didn't know that geese and turkey were different birds. That's a little funny.

Second Lesson - DT
I didn't really get much work done this lesson, despite the fact that it felt like I was working all lesson. I remember making lots of measurements for something or other. At the end of the lesson though, I didn't really come out with much more than I had started with. Oh well, it matters not. I also said my goodbyes to my kids today, and went to see the kids that I didn't see yesterday who're doing Engineering. They're a fun lot, and I believe I have them next term. Fun fun. Also, it was Miss Quinreynolds' last day today, because in a couple of weeks she's going to give birth to another little sproglodyte. Aww.

Third Lesson - Deutsch
We finally saw die Ende der Welle, and I can't remember whether I talked about it on here or not, but it's a freaky film. It essentially captures the Nazi regime and bottles it down to a classroom environment, to show that it could happen again. I remember watching it thinking, "This is really cool" and "they're really benefiting from this" but then the freaky stuff started happening, like the uniform coming in, and the Wave salute. As awesome as the Wave salute is, it's so weird watching a bunch of kids do it in synch. I recommend you watch it, even if you don't understand German. Aside from that we got to watch a bit of Dinner for One, which is oddly a European tradition that died out in England for some reason. Basically, it's Miss Sophie's 90th birthday, and all of her friends are now 25 years dead, but every year she gets her butler to let them live through him. The popular phrase "Same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie?" "Same procedure as every year, James." is known all over Europe. Like, all of them know it. Absolutely freaking every single one of them. They get to watch it every year on New Year's, in English without subtitles, and they love it. I don't know why we don't have it here. Es macht kein Sinn. This was also the moment where Christmas officially began for me, because as Mr Nicholls always says, "Christmas doesn't begin until you've watched Dinner for One."

Fourth Lesson - Free
I honestly can't remember what happened this lesson. I talked to Sophia a lot about stuff. I think it was about Harry mostly. I don't know, the events just seem a little blurred together because they all happened in the same spot and didn't alter very much, so the whole lesson seemed like one little event.

Fifth Lesson - Free
The last free of the term was upon us. I began it rushing around trying to finish my little notes for my upcoming speaking exam so I could give them to Herr Nicholls. I did this quite quickly, and when I gave them to him he gave me the essay I wrote last week back with lots of scribbles on it. I read this while walking back, and was disheartened that the essay wasn't as awesome as I thought it was. Apparently immigration is just a topic I can't write in German. Never mind though, there's always one topic you can't get on with. Anyway, the girls and I ended up going for a drink in the coffee lounge, where we found a Joe, a Janina, and some other fellow German compadrés. Events unfolded for a while and I'm tired so I'm just going to sum up the fact that I love my family, and Becca has officially accepted that she and the other members of my Real Family are in fact my family, as opposed to the people I'm forced to live with, and I like that. We ended up back in the coffee lounge at some point to fetch Joe and then we went up to top green seating where we kicked back, ate some chocolate and talked the rest of the lesson away.

Post-Bus Journey
I've done a bit about the trip after the bus journey before, but it never got its own section. In fact, it was lumped in with lesson five. That shouldn't happen. I here at Cliché Life Stuff need to keep a balanced and fair system of organisation through headings. This section has been clearly marked as 'Post-Bus Journey' to mark the fact that I want to talk about what I did after a dull bus journey. Okay, it's going to happen now. After the dull bus journey, I walked part-way home with Courtney, and we had a wonderful chat about our plans for the holidays, as well as the snow that was ruining my day because it arrived at just the wrong time to make my journey home slightly more uncomfortable, and I got to amaze her with my story of how awesome the snow is in the Alps. The snow is awesome in the Alps at this time of the year. It's like 20ft deep, or whatever. That's pretty deep. Best part is, you only need to wear a jumper up there, because the air is so thin and the cold doesn't get to you. It does get to your feet though, so snow boots are a must. So are sunglasses and sun-tan lotion. Anyway, yes, Courtney is definitely the nicest out of her year group, and is always happy to talk to me, and that's why she's probably my favourite student. If you don't believe me, then you're an idiot because my word is gospel. Literally.

Anyway, that was the last day of term and it was a good'un wasn't it? I've got a hugely busy schedule ahead of me, so I'll definitely stay in touch or I'll lose track of what I'm doing.
Buhbye.