Nan: Peter, can you get up please? I don't know what time Lucy's coming and I need to clean the bathroom.
Outside Voice: yeah... okay...
Inside Voice: Sleep...
*Ten minutes later*
Nan: Are you going to have a shower?
Outside Voice: No...
Inside Voice: Sleep...
Phone: Ring ring. Ring ring.
Nan: Hello?
Inside Voice: Sleep...
Nan: Peter, it's for you!
Inside Voice: If this is De Montford or Nottingham Trent stalking me again, I will not be happy. I mean, I'll be happier if it's NTU, because their women on the phones sound hot. Last time DMU called me, it was a man. Bad move, DMU. Oh wait, the phone.
*Runs down stairs, picks up phone*
Outside Voice: Hello?
Inside Voice: Do you have any idea what I was trying to do three seconds ago? Exactly. Sleep. Whatever you have to say better be good.
Mr Nicholls: Hello, Peter, this is Robert - Mr Nicholls.
Outside Voice: Oh hey.
Inside Voice: Oh hey! This is five thousand times better than Uni open day reminders.
Mr Nicholls: I'm just calling to remind you that you were supposed to do that crib sheet for me.
Outside Voice: Oh damn, sorry I totally forgot to do that.
Inside Voice: Oh fuck. I totally forgot to do that.
Mr Nicholls: I know you did *chuckle*. Now you know what you're doing don't you? Just pick six or seven -
Outside Voice: Yeah I know exactly what to do, sir. I have done it twice before *chuckle*
Inside Voice: Was that cheeky? I don't think that was cheeky.
Mr Nicholls: Well I do need it quite urgently.
Outside Voice: Yeah, okay, I'll have it done within the hour.
Inside Voice: I'd better get my arse in gear. Breakfast and Smallville will have to wait. I'm really hungry. No! Appoint Mr Nicholls before the luxury of eating!
Mr Nicholls: Okay, thank you, Peter. I'll see you on Monday.
Outside Voice: Okay, sir, thanks. Buh-bye.
Inside Voice: Is buh-bye too informal for use with a teacher? Nah, this is Herr Nicholls, he's totally cool with informality.
That sums up this morning. You completely forgot breakfast and Smallville. It's not important information! We do that every single morning! And yet, nobody knew that. This is why I should be in control. Listen, Inside Voice, How can I not listen? I'm inside your head. Fuck off a second. This is my my blog. Damn it, hah. Let's just get on with the story. What happened next? I don't know. It's apparently my blog. Fine, let's work it out together.
This is weird. This is weird.
Later in the day I went into town to book myself an eye test at Specsavers. I was about to say it- just making sure. So I walked in and towards the front desk. Hold on, I'll need to take you into the moment. Inside Voice, do the honours.
Okay, so they appear to be quite busy at the moment. Veer towards the hot one. Crap, the middle-eastern one saw me. Okay, let's get this over with. Right, yes, tell me to sit down, thank you. Type a little on your computer... hang on. What nationality are you? Iranian? Pakistani? Not Indian. You're not Indian at all. You could be Indian... No, you have the hint of Omid Djalili about you, so you must be Iranian. Just like that guy on the plane. Did I blog about Omid Djalili on the plane? How could I not? Mental note: paste picture in blog of Omid Djalili next to Caitlin on the plane.
Ah man, that's wicked.
Task complete. Oh, are we done here? Crap, I forgot to make a note of when it is. Oh wait, Outside Voice took care of it. Awesome. 0240 on Sunday. Cool. I have to get money for my resit on Sunday as well. Okay, that's cool. Ah, leaving now I see. Okay, so the next stop is to aimlessly wander around the streets of Kettering looking for this metal place. But first... hah, Outside Voice will never see this coming. And take control of body... hah! Lap around Newlands for you! Hehehe. Outside Voice is going to be so mad. Ooh, especially since Horse Market has been partially blocked off because they're making pointless 'improvements' to nothing and the walk around will be tedious! Ahahahaha!
Inside Voice is a dick sometimes. So yeah, after IV made me wander around aimlessly looking for this metal workshop, we found it.
Let's see here... opening hours... we're okay. Ah, Mr Gilligan, what are you doing here? I'm joking, of course, you're not Mr Gilligan. Sure, you're bald, tubby and work in a storage area for various metals but you're not the same guy. In fact, you're at least twelve million times nicer than Gilly-Willy of the Bald Man Clan. I could've so come up with a better name than that. That was just poor. Anyway, time to get myself in gear because I have to give Outside Voice measurements. 100m. 50m. Okay, 60m. 18 gauge you say? You spelt gauge wrong. Unless of course it is spelt gage... hmm... Hold on, so I walked in here, you have exactly what I need, but is perhaps a bit heavy duty, so you're giving me two numbers to places in Northampton and Earls Barton respectively? Crap. Wait, if I only need 18 gauge then what I have at home, and therefore hopefully in the DT department will do. Then maybe I can spray paint my work so that it looks nice. I should ask about the scissor jack. Oh wait, I've already left. Never-mind, I'm sure I'll work it out. I'll give OV a nice little exploded view of the scissor jack, along with the processes he'll have to go through to make it. That's the theory, OV, that's what I do, but you'll have to do the physical.
So yeah, when I got back home I played Prince of Persia, the game Josh recently lent to me. IV had a lot to say about it, so we'll take a couple of snippets. The first snippet is when I learned the power to control water.
Okay, so I have a new power. Right. I'm walking up to this water jet. It's spitting out water in a nice little stream. You know what that looks like? Yeah, if that water was solid then it would make one of those swingy pole things. OMFG. I CAN FREEZE WATER WITH MY MIND. That's awesome.
That was the first bit. Let's see what happened when I came across a particularly difficult floor puzzle.
Okay, so I'm at another one of these pointless corridors with traps in it. This one seems to be a series of swinging spiky death beams. Hmm. Okay, run up and roll through, that works with the others. The fuck? I totally missed it. God damn it. Right, through again and roll... hit again! Oh well, I got through this time. Wait a minute, do I have to jump that gap with the swinging spiky death beam there? Oh poo off. Okay, here goes... get to the edge... jump! Hit by the swinging spiky death beam. Oh, I fell down the thing. It's okay though, I'll just use my power to turn back time and start over. Okay, jump! Hah! I made it this time! Hold the fuck on. There are two swinging spiky death beams there. Will this never end? Okay, I just have to do two quick jumps. First jump! Fail... rewind... jump! Rewind... Jump! Oh, no more rewinds. Dead. Oh cock fuck. I have to do it all over again? Okay, first one... hit... hit again but through. Second one, hit. Rewind. Hit. Rewind. Who designed this fapping trap? I hate the fapping person who designed this fapping trap. Hit. Dead. Run through. Hit. Make it. Jump. Hit. Dead. Run through. Made it. Jump. Hit. Rewind. Jump. Made it. Okay, the stupid one again. Jump. Jump. Hit. Rewind. Jump. Jump. Dead. Oh this stupid fapping game with its stupid fapping traps in this stupid fapping castle!
That happened for some time, until I got through finally. That actually happened a lot more than you'd think. Stuck. Rewind. Dead. Jump. Stuck. Dead. Etc. I think IV liked this moment though.
Okay what now? Oh wow, I better be able to use this sword now instead of my crappy one. Ooh, it's shiny. It's got blue on it. What do you mean, "How will this make any difference?" Can you not see the blue? Blue makes it super powerful! Hold on... did the black chick just get absorbed by the sword? Dude, that's weird. Hang on, so the black chick is my sword? I don't even know if that's a sexual connotation or not, but I'm pretty sure that I just can't be. Can it? What's so awesome about this sword then? Fap. Wow! This thing is awesome! Fap fap. Death to all you sand-skeleton-creatures! Wait, is the black chick making the swishing and fapping noises? She is. Wow, that's pretty weird. It's one thing to be the sword, it's quite different to actually make the onomatopoeic noises that a sword makes. Okay, at least you're not saying "swish, swish, stab," but come on. It's pretty close. Okay, I think I have the words for it now, "Fa, fu, fap." Yup, those are definitely the noises that she is making.
IV was amazed by the black chick blue sword.
Anyway, I think that concludes today. Only because you spent all the fucking rest of the day on Prince of Persia. It wasn't that long! I suppose we did complete the game and never have to play that god awful piece of crap ever again, as fun as it was. Too right. You know what I discovered? I know! We have to unlock Ezio in this game. What did we have to do? Uplay or something. What does that mean? In Ass: Bro you can unlock things for the game like cosmetics and stuff. I guess this is the same. Do it. Okay, but we have to wrap up this blog post. Fine. Be a bitch. No one wants to see this conversation. Josh does. Josh isn't everyone.
I'm sure I'll manage to get in posts more often now that I have broken free of my restraints and can freely argue with this prick in written form. Hey, don't talk about me like that! I'll talk about you, meaning me, however I, meaning you, want! Hah! I/you, confused my/yourself. Hah.
Peace out. Ciao.
Oh you complete dick, Outside Voice. You know what you completely forgot to do? No... you're kind of my memory and stuff. Oh fuck off. I'm in control now.
So on my way back from town I noticed a couple of things.
That bus stop needs a hat.
You know what else I did on my trek? Yup, I walked the Pennine Way. I know what you're thinking, "Hang on, isn't the Pennine Way in the North of the country and hundreds of miles long?" I know right? But I walked that bitch.
Oh it's funny because it's not.
Shut up, Outside Voice.
You see, now we're properly done. I'll catch you around, you lovely people, you.
Stop trying to steal my audience!
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