Monday, 21 November 2011

Salute to Stupidity 8

Peter Hutchinson to Peter Duke
In a world where time is infinite and our movement is perceived as either infinitely fast or infinitely slow, when getting from one place to another can happen instantly or take an age, in this world it would be acceptable for you to delay doing and sending me Intermission, since release dates wouldn't matter. Everything would be released at the same time an in intervals and also randomly. However, in this world we have to keep to schedules. You've got two days before I fire you.

Peter Duke: Why does the Anti-XFactor Christmas song have to be Nirvana? Can't it be... I dunno... A Christmas song? Slade maybe? Or Let it Snow? Something like that?
Peter H: We should get Little Donkey to the top.
Peter Duke: WE should record it. No no no, it needs to not be a faith thing.
Peter H: You want a Christmas song not about faith? Dude, A: It's a fucking donkey. B: The Romans made the Christmas holiday to join the celebration of the birth of Christ, note: CHRIST, and the winter solstice. It's a flipping holiday centred around FAITH, you close-minded knob-rocket.
Peter Duke: I didn't mean it like that, I meant if it's not about faith, then people from every faith will buy it... not just Christians... (oh he did so not get my point)
Peter H: Then I won't mention to you a good, nay massive, proportion of the world's population is then. But after seeing your point, that's fine. I just want you to see what an idiot you are. So in that case, let's just get Nirvana to the top. Oh wait...
Peter Duke: Let it snow works fine. Or Band Aid, that's about Christmas TIME (again, so not getting my point. If you want to avoid faith, Dukey, you have to call it Winter Holidays like the Americans do. God, you're such a crap atheist) not Christmas itself.
Peter H: No it's not? Band aid is something you use to seal wounds... Bazinga.
Josh: Let's get Walkin' on Sunshing to the top. (Good effort, Josh)

Josh: Are you excited about Nickleback?
Peter H: Not really. Me and new music are like chocolate and steak.
Josh: Best kept off the same plate. Or you both come from Germany.
Peter H: What? Chocolate is Aztec [citation needed]... never mind. But yeah, I do old music. Music like the Rolling Stones, Beethoven's Fifth, Mozart's Twinkle Twinkle. Yeah, you get me.

Alannah: Wish the cool owl outside my window would be quiet for 5 minutes so I can sleep =)!
Peter H: Is he cool because he's wearing sunglasses despite it being dark and because he stuck his middle feather up at you when you told him to be quiet?
Alannah: Haha, no! He is an awesome colour! And not many people have an owl that lives outside their window =) xox
Peter H: You're right. Wish I had an owl. (It's true. I fantasized about having an owl during every French lesson back in year 8 at Brooke Weston). Have you given it a name yet? I think Stephen would be a great name for it, if it were male of course.
Alannah: It's called Wilbert... He looks like a Wilbert =) xox
Peter H: Well it's your owl so I can't judge your poor owl-naming skills.
Alannah: Haha!! It's a wicked name!! So is!! xox
Peter H: S'alright, I guess. But I think we should ask Stephen which name he prefers. And if says, "My name is Bridget," then we'll both be wrong and that'll be that.
Alannah: Haha, so you are naming my owl Stephen? His name is Wilbert, simples =P xox
Peter H: Between you and me, I actually preferred the name Wilbert the moment you said it, but that would make me appear weak, which is why no one can know.
Alannah: Haha, yet you have just posted it on my Facebook status! Haha!! Win win for me!! =) xox
Peter H: Ah hell! You're too cunning for me, Miss Vient.
Alannah: Muah ha ha!! xox

I think I do fixate on owls a little bit much. Do you remember the one about the owl and the crow?

I'm also noticing that I seem to be the focus of hilarity in these Salutes. Hmm... Oh well, I think that just accurately reflects on what kind of a person that I am. Hilarious.

Peter Duke: Get on the right side of the bloody road (see, this quote is stupid because the French do drive on the right), you Gallic fucking garlic bread tossers!
Peter H: Hey, hey, hey! If we're going to insult the French then at least acknowledge the fact that they have done nothing of note for the last hundred years, and that the only thing they can remember how to do effectively is not do a single solitary day's worth of hard work in their entire lives. And you know what? If someone French is reading this and feels insulted, bring it. You hop on over the channel, which will cost you precious time, time in which you could be on the streets outside your office complaining that it smells a little bit like cheese and onion pasties, and then you come and punch me. I feel safe in the knowledge that there is one good reason as to why the French won't invade us. And I've already explained it.
Peter Duke: ^ has never watched Eurotrip. (What's Eurotrip? Is it a car show?)

You remember the video I'm so Ashamed? Here are some of the responses:
Lauren: Literally so much love for this video!! Had me in absolute stitches!!
Sophia: I was kind of half-watching it because I'd already read the blog post and just heard you go "the guy that was doing the photographer." Yeah, so that plus naked photo shoot and my imagination was going places I really didn't want it to go!

Oh, I just found one of my favourite jokes of all time. I physically chuckle every time I read it.

Peter H: ‎Stanley Ashton, Ben 'Ahmed' Cotton, James Langley, Alannah Vient Just read the minutes from the last meeting, and I couldn't help but wonder what on Earth a naked colander is. Is it a colander that just has one massive hole? ... Well I thought it was funny.
Alannah: You... haha, that made me giggle! At least I can publicly admit I liked it! =D! x
Langley: I was waiting for someone else to comment.
Stan the Man with a Plan: ok thanks guys its good know face book will tell of mistakes that are made :) (for your amusements, I deliberately left the mistakes in that paragraph. Usually I correct them for my comfort, but this time I thought I'd treat you)
Peter H: I'm not gonna lie, I chuckle every time I read it. It's a brilliant joke, it must be said.

Let's see if I've got any more of these crackers lying around. Just the one.

Peter H: As Head of Production for Demon TV, I'm always finding new and interesting ways for technology to piss me off.

I feel like that's a good one-liner to end on.

Cliché out.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

I'm NOt Gonne Lie to DYou

I'm actually pretty drunk right now.

The reston?

I mean uh... the reason?

Well, I went to the pub, and then I went to the bluc. I mean club. That's what I mean.t Honest.

I'm actually being honest though. You don't even have to id me or nothing' for it.

Ah man, I can't hear a fucking thing.

But even so, I have completely deduced that going to clubs isn't like the best or idea or nthing or nothign. It's stupid, really. It's exactly as I predicted. it was only really worth going to see Ben Cotton get dunked into a ... tank of water? Yeah, I suppose it was that. I didn't have my glasses on, and they wouldn't have really made a different because it was fucking dark. You know that kind of dark where you can kind of see because there are multicoloured beams of light flashing across your vision every second or so? Yeah, that kind of vision. Felt a bit light daredevil, really. Except if Davedevil went to a club, he'd be fucked.

Anyway, it was the Demon Media social event. Tha'ts why I'm deaf and drunk. Because what's more sociable than getting a little bit drunk in a pub, going to a club, drinking while being deafened, then pretend like you can dance on the dance floor for a while, all the while continuing to be deafened and then being compeltely bombarded every second by people who don't knwo the meaning of the word "exucse me?"

I suppose excuse me is two words. I also suppose I wouldn't have heard them anyway because my bat senses weren't tingling.

You know why they weren't tingling? Because I couldn't hear anything.

If I want to keep my bat senses tingling, then I'm going to have to not attend one of these "club" thigns that you kids like so much very often.

Anyway.

Hah! I called him Davedevil! What a fun parody of Daredevil that would be. Instead of him being a superhero who has super hearing and ultra-mega reflexes, he's just a regular guy called Dave who has super mega hearing and awesome reflexes. He just uses them to get along with his daily life really. He doesn't want any fuss. He's just a Davedevil.

So. Bosoms. Pretty cool, eh?

Ben Cotton got dunked. Did I mention that?

Oh, I could become a DSU exec by default if I sign up to be ah fuck my ears are ringing. Anyway, I could be ... fuck, what was it? The head of Production at Demon TV. That's it. I'd be the one in-charge of cameras and stuff and cool and I get my own office and a gold card which gives me free admission into Level 1 at the DSU! How awesome and cool is that? That's pretty awesome and cool. Cool and awesome.

Oh fuck! I have a lecture in the morning. Wait, now I don't. Ahh, you see what I did there? I made an executive decision, necause of course I could be a DSU executive soon, to not wake up in the morning, and therefore I can't possibly have a lecture at that time because I'll be asleep.

Oops. I'm starting to sober up a little, and I'm realising that I'd made a duck load of spelling and grammar errors.

Althoguh on the other hand, [redacted] is fucking hot.

Okay, I'm sober enough to redact things that could get me into trouble. A little bit.

Anyway, why do only fools and horse work balalala. Balalala la. Lalala lala. Lalalala la. Badadada. Badadada da.

Uh... Oh, I'm pretty sure I didn't get that job I was hoping to get so that sucks.

Other than that, [redacted]'s true identity is... ahhh! Got you.

God I shouldn't be pushing buttons like that. I know I'll regret it tomorrow when I get one quadrillion thousand million hundred billion messages asking me about it.

That number is so real.

Pete out.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Salute to Stupidity: Australian Meat Special

Me: "Hey, Josh, I just searched kangaroo steak in Google and the first result was for eBay and the result said 'kangaroo steak - great prices on string instruments'."

Me: "Oh hey, look at what meats you can get in Australia! Ostrich, kangaroo, crocodile, locusts, snails, venison, wild boar, bison, rattlesnake, buffalo, zebra, springbok whatever the hell that is, blesbok whatever the hell that is, kudu, eland, IMPAILER! Wildebeest..."
Josh: "Hutchy, it's impala."
Me: "No it isn't! Oh wait, yeah, I suppose that makes more sense..."

Me: "Swedish? How did google translate detect kangaroo meat as Swedish? Maybe it's because the Swedish like strange meat."

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Welcome to the Internet, Ethiopia

There is actually a back story behind this potentially racist blog post title. Trust me.

You see the other day I was checking my blog stats and for that day I saw that I had a single view from Ethiopia. This surprised me, mainly because I've never had a single view from Africa. The first thing I had to do was inform Josh, the potentially racist but in a non-hating way individual who thinks most of Africa is a barren wasteland. He certainly wasn't expecting a person in Ethiopia to go on the internet and view my blog.

Cue Salute to Stupidity: Ethiopia Has Internet Special
Me: "Put your previous judgements aside, Ethiopia actually has technology! See I know this because I got a view from the country today."
Josh: "Hold on, Ethiopia? What could they... okay, previous judgements aside, what have they done?"
Me: "They viewed my blog. Not just technology, Josh, but internet too. And they use Safari, Chrome or Firefox. Specifically not IE though."
Josh: "Hmm, maybe I've been quick to judge them. But one computer with internets in the whole country isn't breaking the bank. At lease they had the sense not to use IE though."
Me: "Indeed. And if all other observations are to go by, they found me using google.com. I don't think they have their own Google domain yet."
Josh: "Sure they do! I believe it's www.google.poorasfuck"
Me: "Ah, now Joshua. Now that they've viewed my blog we can officially welcome Ethiopia to the internet. I don't want any of that from you at the punch bowl, okay?"
Josh: "Okay, I'll behave myself. They get a new domain then, say google.stillcomparitivelypoorcomparedtogeneralsocietybuthigherinmyestimationsthanioriginallygavethemcreditforafteralltheyfinallyfoundthebestblogeverwiththepoweroftheinternet."
Me: "I think they'll appreciate the effort you've made. Now come on, we've got a party to set up (aka, this is so becoming a blog post for tomorrow)."
Josh: "Well there has to be finger food, but as this is Ethiopia they're not quite used to the concept of a buffet, so I think we're going to need some exotic stuff. Maybe some badger cutlets, wombat carpaccio, maybe even some roasted tapir with stuffing and roast potatoes. And we're going to need to give Ethiopia a party bag, which in turn has to contain at least one penny whistle. And we should have a small army of cheap labour dressed as gorillas to make them feel at home, potentially someone dressed as a tree, although the tree has no relevance, just so he can go 'tree powers, activate!'"
Me: "Sure thing. Just remind me to quote all of this at like midday. No wait, I've been drinking so make it about one you remind me."
Josh: "Okay then, sure thing bromeslice. (FYI, Bromeslice is the new ethnic lingo I coined to combine the two levels of the outer and inner 'hood'. One can combine the very ethnic 'brother' with the less ethnic 'homeslice' to achieve a perfect racial balance, 'Bromeslice').

Just to put it out there to how dedicated to this single idea Josh is, that was all said via text message. Sometimes I think he has a very generous amount of time to spare. But then again, I just wrote all of that out and I'm about to do write some more stuff out that probably is a complete waste of time, so I suppose it can be said that I too have a very generous amount of time to spare. But hey, it's all worth it.

Wait, this isn't time to spare, this is my job. Kind of. Hobby, we'll call it a hobby. It's like a job, but you don't get paid for it, you enjoy it, and there's a h, lack of a j, and extra b and a y to account for.

So, let's do this. Get your party hats on.

And yes, this is so happening.


This will be the best party ever.








I think that wraps up that party quite nicely.

If you have been offended by any of the stereotyping displayed in today's blog post, then you are one of the stereotypes presented yourself. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, take off whatever nation-related hat that you might be wearing, and become your person.

Bless you.

Pete out.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

That Thing I Did on "Live" TV

Here's that thing that I did "live" on TV!


That thumbnail makes it look like the Bodge Day thing. It isn't, I swear. Josh apparently found me to be quite funny in this video, but I don't see it. Apart from that bit at the end after the credits where I make everyone laugh, but that's just ... you know. Although I was also apparently making my co-host laugh because of how dry and bluntly I was saying everything. But when the auto-cue gives you a follow-up to an amazing introduction with the words "Yes hello, I'm Peter", I literally had no other choice but to try and make that in the least bit amusing, otherwise my life simply isn't worth living.

Also I revealed the existence of my blog to a total stranger today, which is something I've never done. It's kind of weird, really. Louis (my flatmate) had his girlfriend over and the three of us ended up walking to town together. Louis asked me about what modules I had for my course and of course I talked about the maths module and the website module and the photography module and then the blog module came up. I didn't realise how connected to this course I was. At the beginning of the modules it was like "Used Photoshop before? I'm a fucking master of Photoshop. Maths? Yeah, I can do that. Blogging? Please, I'm the king of the internet." So I obviously said that I was already a blogger and they said, "Oh cool." That's not the first reaction I normally get about blogging. Louis' girlfriend described how a couple of her friends kept blogs that were just depressing, but since I had explained that mine was about being awesome and new and fresh, it made me sound like the best person in the world.

So yeah, that was a new experience.

Oh, I should mention this here I suppose. I've been dabbling in the idea of making a vlog, that I'll obviously post on here, in which I just read what I've written on my blog because I can't make up stuff on the spot and be funny. You know, "haha, what a funny joke" funny and not, "ew, look at the growths on that man's face. And then look at his malformed penis that he just randomly has hanging out" funny. But yeah, I think I'll probably start releasing it once I finally have a new design for this blog pinned down. Again, I'm going to remind you because the last time I made a post about the redesign, someone clicked "Love it!" which, while very nice of them, is less helpful to me than a sheep made of granite.
"But then you can sheer granite! That would be insanely useful!"
No, audience, you can't sheer granite. The sheep would simply die from the weight of its own self. I know it's a bit of a morbid thought, but that would be the utter truth.
"But what if the sheep didn't gain any weight at all, and the granite was just wiry like wool?"
Well in that case, shut up.

You can't have sheep made of granite.


I hate you.

Pete out.

Friday, 21 October 2011

My First Shoot with Demon TV

You know how I do that thing where I film stuff and claim that it's TV? Enjoy.


I know the credits are bad, but I didn't edit it so shush.

In any case, this is what I do now.

EDIT: 
FUCKING LOOK AT THIS!

That's the thing that I did on Bodge Day! It's the best thing ever!
It features me as the voice talents of David Attenborough, by the way.

Pete out.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

I've Just Been Live on TV!

Cliché University Stuff: YouTube as a Social Network: "Yes, sometimes I do actual work on here. How is YouTube a social network? A social network can be described as any place people congrega..."

If there were ever a bigger lie.

Also check out the work I did in today's lab session. I think it effectively demonstrates how good I am at this Media lark.

Anyway, first I'd like to talk about my job interview, because that's massively off-topic and not at all what you wanted to hear about.

"Oh but Peter, of course we'd want to know about your job interview!"

Oh, you're too kind, audience.

Basically, earlier I had to describe my life in one minute as part of the application process of becoming a student ambassador. The other people who went before me had things prepared and did really well and were being asked very appropriate questions. I started with, "Hi I'm Peter and I didn't prepare anything so I'm just going to do this off the bat," and it got me a laugh, which is always good. I think I did quite well. I talked about how I mentored my kids, and what subjects I took, and what I'm interested in, and the fact that I run my own YouTube channel, and how I also did the reading leader programme to help kids to read. Now this is an example of how the world hates me. There I was talking about what a wonderful person I was and how I'd done all of these amazing things and I get asked the question, "What do you think you could bring to the student ambassador team?" WHAT!? That's the single stupidest question I've ever heard. "I can give you a kick in the teeth, if you'd like," I thought. I blanked, which is the worst thing to do in this situation. Luckily one of the interviewers narrowed down the question for me by asking me what my skills are, so I then got back on track. Mid-way through my speech I said, "But I'm not so good at answering open questions like... what do you think you could bring to the student ambassador team?" and that got me another laugh, so that was good.

I got the most laughs, but I also had the worst pitch thanks to that stupid question. I find out on Monday whether or not I got through to the next stage. I'm not going to get my hopes up after that.

Anyway, so that was earlier.

Also earlier I went out for a drink with one of my course mates, James, and we fired up his Macbook in the pub to watch Fresher's TV live! It was tense, since we couldn't hear anything because we were in a pub and also the streaming speed was so awful that the video kept jumping. But soon later we saw the map zoom in on Southampton and we watched ourselves on TV. This was surprising to us, because we're not based in Southampton. In any case, we then saw the words, "Live from DeMontfort University!" pop up and we were watching ourselves as we were in a studio doing the exact thing that we were rehearsing last week. I don't know how we managed it, but we actually managed to be in the pub and on set at the same time. It was quite an achievement.

If you missed it, don't fret because everything on the internet gets rereleased and so I'm sure I'll be able to link you soon.

Pete out. 

Monday, 17 October 2011

My Weekend at Home

As seems to be the custom that I'm suddenly aware of, going back to your home town after about three weeks is quite the trend here in Leicester. I decided to jump on the band wagon as well, and go home.

Oh but first, let me show you the sweet new ride I got driven home in:

How cool is that?

When my Dad phoned me the other week he said,
"Yeah I've sold the Z3..."
Oh now why did you go and do something stupid like that you silly old man?
"So I've gone and bought a Z4."
Recent sins: absolved. Well done.

It's a wonderful car, not only to look at, but to be in as well. Kind of like - nope. You're not allowed to make a sick joke here. It's forbidden. Oh you spoil sport. Someone could've been offended. I'm just making sure you don't get a lawsuit or something. Oh you're such a cynic. Oh that's just a pile of shit. Case and point.

So yeah, the main purpose of going home was to see Josh, Dukey and Josh's Laura again, but also to see the new Jonny English film as well. You know what? We were organising the day, exactly as we normally do. We told Dukey that the film started half an hour before it did so he'd be on time, and he still managed to be late. So even that made it feel like we hadn't been apart at all. In fact, nothing seems to have changed. Josh is still Josh with his hat. No wait, Dukey has money now. We all have money now. That's different.

So we went to go and see Jonny English: Reborn. It's a very good film. Definitely worth the £7.55 we paid. It's action packed, hilariously ridiculous, stupid, and just everything else you can expect from a film of this calibre. And you know what else it had? A near-to-original plot-line. You don't really get that, especially with spoofs. In fact, I'd say spoofs have more original plot-lines that the serious ones... because they can just be more... wild with the science and such. To criticise it I'd say that it wasn't better than the first one. It wasn't much worse, but I don't think that overall it was better. I also found it very predictable at times, but hey, who am I to complain? It was flapping hilarious.

So after that Dukey lost his car keys. Hahahahahaha. This was not funny. Of all the things in the world that you could lose, why the keys? But never mind the why, just the how the hell we got out of there. Laura's Michael nearly killed us to death in his car, that's how. It's always an experience with Michael at the wheel of the car. This time his fancy trick was to reboot the car while travelling at 90mph on the A14... multiple times.

So that was fun.

It's also kind of late and I need to read some stuff before bed tonight so I'm ready for lectures tomorrow. I'll update this... tomorrow morning.

Anyway, after we got back in Dukey's car we went to Josh's Isham house to retrieve some things and I had a great conversation with his dad about how things were going at Uni and such and such. We then went to Josh's Burton Latimer house and talked to his mum and Dave for a while about stuff. We then went to get Indian, as in the food stuff not as in we grabbed an Indian bloke or we became Indian, no, definitely the food. It was all very lovely, if not a bit too much to eat in one sitting. We then went to Dukey's house to see his new program and got distracted by crossbows and Geiger counters and all the other crap that's just sitting in the Duke family's garage. We then back to Burton to find Josh's mum and Dave drunk in the living room watching Comedy Central, so we joined them. They let me try this Grouse whiskey which you store in the freezer so that it has the consistency of very runny honey when you serve it, and it is a mighty drink. Because it's -20 it removes the usual burning sensation that you get from whiskey so that it tastes so much better. Holding it is a pain because it feels like holding ice, but the taste is glorious. They then gave me the last of their Jack Daniels because they're just nice people. I didn't even ask for it. So that was all lovely.

I went home the next morning expecting to have a nice Sunday roast which would boost my health levels from clinically dead to just alive but it was actually just like a usual family dinner. The vegetables were badly cooked, the potatoes weren't very nice, the yorkshire pudding is just mediocre and the chicken was ... okay I guess.

In any case, I had a great time reuniting myself with a very small portion of my Real Family, and almost the entire cast of Granite Moths. It was fun.

Pete out.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

I Feel Like Death

Bear with me, blog fans, I can barely feel my extremities. Basically, I have a massive headache, I'm hungry but I don't want to eat, I'm thirsty but I don't want to drink, my back really hurts, I can barely feel my limbs and my hearing is shot. I don't know what illness you can categorise that under, and I don't really care.

I'm just under the realisation that being ill here, at Uni, is at least ten times better than being ill at home. You see here, no one can actually make a fuss of me because my room is locked and I can spend as long as I want in bed. At home I'd always be expected to get up before midday and do stuff. So it's two o'clock, I've already missed lecture and in an hour I'm going to have missed another.

Also, if I was at home then they'd recommend that I take drugs. If my body was meant to take drugs, then it wouldn't expel them every time I put it in my mouth. When I had swine flu, my Nan forced me to take paracetamol. I don't know or care about what paracetamol is supposed to do, but on the first day I chucked them back up again. And then every other time I had to take them I covertly spat them out. Two days later and swine flu fucked off and let me get on with my life.

See, I'm under the opinion that if I don't take drugs then my immune system will become stronger and more resilient to illnesses. It just seems like I picked up something here that my white blood cells have never come across before. People call it the "Fresher's Flu". I could've easily gotten something from the international students. That seems most likely.

Anyway, that was a quick moan.

Stay safe. Don't take pharmaceutical drugs. Nor illegal drugs. They'll only do you more harm than good in the long run.

Pete out.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

I'm Going to Be on TV

No jokes. One and a half weeks into my course and I'm already appearing on TV. How cool is that? I never saw myself as a presenter, but there I was presenting because nobody else had the balls to.

You may have read yesterday that today I was going to be taking part in Fresher's Fresher's TV and I thought it would just be some bloke with a camera and we had to talk into it. But no, take a look at this:

That's an actual TV studio with an actual green screen, with actual very expensive cameras.


We even got an auto-cue. How cool is that?

Now I was all very interested in all the technical magickery that was going on and setting up the cameras with all of those cables to worry about was simply amazing, but no one had the balls to be the third presenter, so I went ahead and did it. I even got to wear an actual lapel-mic, which was cool. I felt all important and stuff. Anyway, it was fairly standard stuff and we had a lot of fun making it. One of our things though was to play pictionary. I got to draw. With beer goggles on. I don't know how on Earth playing pictionary with beer goggles raises the awareness of the dangers of alcohol, but I got to attempt to draw Mr Blobby while everything was a shade of green but in triple vision with cross-eyed-ness as well. So yeah, that was a lot of fun.

It was a genuinely awesome day, and we learned a lot about the awesome cameras and the important of sound levels and everything else.

I'm also going to be on TV next Wednesday as part of the Nasta Fresher's TV thing and I don't know when it's going to be on, or if it's actually going to be on TV properly or just a live stream on the internet or something. I just simply don't know. Either way, Dukey, you're at home still, set your Sky Box to record it when I give you the information.

Pete out.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

That GAMEfest Montage I Said I'd Upload

Because nothing is happening in the world of university that is of any interest, I've decided to dedicate an entire post to that montage I said I'd upload from when we went to GAMEfest. I'd say it was my best editing work to date. It's certainly my longest video. Actually, it so isn't my best editing work. I just had better tools at my disposal this time. My best editing work would probably have to be... probably Zombie Plan. I know it's been an entire year since that, but I haven't really had any other chances to do some proper editing work, bar this montage.

I hope you enjoy it. If you're not a gaming fan and therefore don't want to watch the video, don't despair, I'm going to give you a short update afterwards.

I say that like there's a time difference. But there isn't. You can just skip the video. You don't have to watch it.

Okay, you see now I'm wasting time because I haven't pasted the video in yet, but just keep your breath held.

Actually, don't keep your breath held; it's a really bad idea. Who knows what could happen? You could become oxygen depraved and fall into a coma. I'm sure all of those words were correct.

Anyway, montage.


Haha! What a riot!

Why did I say that? That video wasn't even funny. However, there was some crazy editing in there. Did you see the bit with the overlaying videos? How cool was that? It was like vidception. Except it wasn't really because they were just overlapping videos. But it was still cool.

Anyway, tiny update. In my lab this morning... this afternoon I learned about RGB and CMYK colour scales, and then in the lecture we relearned the electromagnetic spectrum and the eye and our perception of things. Funny thing, I only learned about rods and cones (the rod I believe is the platypus-shaped thing in your retina) through sitting with Joe and Becca while they did their A-level Biology revision. Go figure. Anyway, this evening there was the Demon TV pre-production event where we talked about the TV shows that we're going to be making over the next year and it was all very... productive. It was quite good to get some ideas out there though so that tomorrow (which will be very interesting and productive) we have some stuff to film. In fact, tomorrow is the Fresher's Fresher's TV thing. I know I said "Fresher's" twice. I meant to. That's because it's Fresher's TV made by Freshers. How cool is that?

So yeah, tomorrow will be fun.

I also just came up with an amazing motto, that you should definitely use.

"The less you fret, the luckier you'll get."

How awesome-a-motto is that?

To the person(s) who just sneezed, bless you. If you sneezed while reading this blog post and don't feel adequately blessed, then bless you as well.

Pete out.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Blog Redesign

Cliché University Stuff: Sir Robert Elmar Whiting Nightowl the Third: "For one of our tutorial sessions, we had to write what we would include in our practice websites. We had to come up with an imaginary friend..."

That up there is a blog repost, which is awesome. I can seamlessly reblog things between blogs, and I'll be reblogging everything that I think is worthy of reading, on both sites of course.

Anyway, Cliché Life Stuff is becoming super popular. In fact, I'd say it was definitely the most popular blog in the region. Now with over 5,000 views! Whoo! That number will climb to incalculable numbers one day, but for now I still have to remain quite a niche market. Anyway, because I'm becoming more popular by the day, I've decided that it is definitely high time to redesign the blog. All of the templates on Blogger suck, so what I'm going to need is a crack team of coders... wait, soon I'll be able to code everything myself!

Anyway, coding aside, in order to redesign a blog, one needs something to redesign it with. As I said, all of the blogger templates suck balls to high heaven which is why the current template has remained since day one. Now, the problem with this is that I don't know what to do for the redesign, which is where you guys will hopefully come in. I need ideas, people. And if you're willing to create content then that would be very much appreciated. Imagine it, an audience-designed blog. Something that you really want to see.

So think, what design would totally epitomise my blog? What does Cliché Life Stuff represent? Will the design be ironic, and totally un-cliché? Will the design be absolutely cliché?

It is all of these questions and more that lead me to a dead stop every time I think about redesigning. But I am just one man. Where one man fails, another conquers. And you are an audience. There are literally no hurdles you can't overcome, because you have about 6.9billion minds to work with.

So, with that in mind, what's stopping you? Get your thinking hats on and get thinking. I'll be waiting.

Any and all help regarding this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

New Routine: Accomplished

Yes! I have a timetable again! You know what that means, blog fans.

Unfortunately, it's not the timetable you're used to. In fact, there's no point in doing the old fashioned "my day" blogs that I did back in Brooke. You know what? I'm going to make it my task to do that one more time. In fact, I could do it every Friday if I wanted to, because it's actually a full day, but shhh. It's just not the same. 

So, because there's not really much to talk about throughout these lectures, let's just do the week's summary: 

Monday
Today we had our first Lectures. They weren't exciting. I basically learned that at some point in the "Studies in Media Technology" module I get to build a radio, which sounds awesome. Or I misheard. I'll go through the PowerPoint on blackboard soon to check that. Otherwise the only thing they really said was "WE HAVE TWITTER. USE TWITTER. DO IT NOW. TWEET US. HASHTAGS." And then every fifteen minutes or so the lecturer would say, "so has anyone tweeted the hashtag yet? Nope... oh well..." and he sounded genuinely disappointed. So that was fun. Tomorrow's going to be interesting, though.

Tuesday
Today has been interesting. On my way out of my flat I met up with Rachel without an a since she's on the same course and had the same timetabled lectures as I did today. So we walked to the Queens building and got into the computer lab where we had our first lab session, which was all about learning how to use Photoshop. Boy, have I got a cracker for you today. Since I'm proficient in the ways of Photoshop and can manage to log onto a computer without having to get my password changed by the admins I got through the tutorials in about ten minutes and so had an hour and a half to waste. I had photoshop and a load of pictures in front of me. What else was I going to do?

I know! One of the tutorials was about reducing red eye, and so I reduced it. And then I gave the dogs laser beams. I know! It's really cool, right? For a one and a half hour job, I don't think it's too bad. Trying to find good fire and smoke effect tutorials is a nightmare though. Anyway, after that we had another lecture about... stuff. We watched loads of videos and trailers and stuff made by students. It wasn't bad. Some of it was really poor. So yeah, that wraps that up. Uhh, then we had a flat meeting which was boring, and then I went to the Demon Media welcome event, where I learned about all the stuff they do. I'm going to be joining Demon TV and maybe dabble in a bit of Demon FM too. But seriously, it's all really cool. I get to make TV! I paid my £21 admission fee so I should now be receiving my application form via email, or I'll not be best pleased.

Uhh, fuck, I wasn't meant to publish it today. I was meant to wait until the end of the week. Fuck it, I'll just update it daily. But don't forget to read the Politics post beneath this one if you've missed it!

Wednesday
Today should really be a day off, but it isn't, so it still gets a mention. After meeting up with Katie with an ie and Rachel without an a this morning at 11ish we went to the Queens building and had a session in which we made blogs! I know! So now, I have a new blog called Cliché University Stuff where I guess I'll be putting all of my university stuff. Does that mean that I should put this post in there? Does this count as life stuff or uni stuff? Hmm... I could do it for both, I suppose. Give me a comment in the comments box with your thoughts.

Thursday
Christ! You've heard the get up and go morning routine with Rachel without an a and Katie with an ie. But this morning, you'll never guess what. On my timetable it said "optional seminar" so I thought, "hmm... might be important. And it's not like I'm going on my lonesome so I'll go and check it out." We walked in, sat down, and then the session leader said, "So if you've got a grade B or higher in GCSE Maths, you probably don't need to be here. But you might want to stay because you haven't done it in a while." I have a grade B at GCSE Maths, and I haven't done any Maths since Year 11, so I thought, "I'm done here," and then I left. Time to reset my alarm to an hour later. Feels good. Anyway, I then met up with a few other of my coursemates who were discussing our photography assignment, so I decided to gather information with them. The topics are really vague like... blue and Leicester and leaves, but I'm going to have a good stab at it. Finally I'll have a chance to get my tripod out. Anyway, then we had a lecture about Maths. I wanted to die. Do you remember GCSE Maths? Yeah? Well go back a bit. Yeah, Year 9 Maths? I could've taught it better than he could. Mainly because you know who you should be teaching year 9 maths to? Yeah, year 9s. My only respite was the fact that the guys I was sitting next to were hilarious. A little while later on and we got a tour of the TV studios! Whoo! They're awesome. I have to go and live in the Queens building now. It's my new home. I can't fricking wait to use them. Even the tripods look amazing. They make my equipment look like amateur stuff. Okay, it is amateur stuff, but that's beside the point.

Friday has a 9:00 start and carries on until 17:00 with only a 1 hour break for lunch. I shouldn't really be complaining, but it's still a nuisance.

Friday
Eugh. Early. First lab session at 9. Sleep. This lab session was quite fun actually, because I learned something! I learned that I'm going to have to learn HTML coding! Fuck yes! I hate designing and making websites, purely because I just know that I'm not very good at it. I didn't do a half bad job of Zombie Plan's website, but that's because I just created pretty pictures and Westie coded it. Pretty sure I can't get away with that now. Anyway, one of the tasks in this lab session was to make up an imaginary friend who would then in turn have their own website which details them. Did I take it seriously? Of course I took it seriously. Sir Robert Elmar George Whiting Nightowl the Third will have a glorious website detailing him and his hobby of setting fire to OAPs. I love free reign. Anyway, I'm on my break right now and so I haven't finished the entire day yet. Still a while to go. Oh my god the rest of the day was boring. Like, beyond boring. We had a one and a half hour lecture about fucking XHTML, the one thing I couldn't care less about. I'm here to make videos, not code shit. Dukey and Westie code shit. That's what they're paid to do. I'm paying the university to teach me how to become the best damn director that this world ever did see. Eugh. Why I need lectures on it I do not know. Anyway, we got a brief respite because no one can harp on about XHTML and CSS and the module outline for more than an hour, so then I was outside talking with Rachel without an a and a couple of my other coursemates whose names I can't remember, but they are some of my favourites. Funny that. Anyway, Rachel was worried because she'd swallowed a bit of gum, and bless her she's a bit thick so she thought she was going to die or something. At least we made her think that before we told her the truth. Haha, fun. Anyway, I then did two hours of maths. I've never done so many maths problems in one stint before. It wasn't even difficult. Eugh, I can see Fridays dragging on a bit.

Anyway, that was my first week. I don't know if I'm going to continue this trend of updating every week. Perhaps from now on I'll just blog the interesting things that happen in labs and lectures. Yeah!

I've also added sharing features into the bottom of the blog post thing, and I'm also looking to redesign my blog but I have no ideas. Thoughts? (FYI, I'm going to repost this paragraph into the next post so don't worry about déja vu)

Pete out. 

Politics

I always considered myself to be quite a thoughtful person. I mean that in two senses. One, as in the kind and loving person that you all know I am. And two, someone who is full of thoughts.

Like this for an example: 
The world clock on my phone says
   London, Dublin
   Today                23:06 mon

And it also says
   Tokyo
   Tomorrow         07:07 tues

I love it. I love the fact that Tokyo is in tomorrow. 

Anyway, that's not what I'm on about. You may have read the title. That's what I'm on about. See, I realised something about our country. It's that we never ever seem to be happy about our government. And that's why elections are so massive over here. In this day and age it's very easy to get the gist of who's going to be in power. In America it was damn obvious. Obama had no chance of losing. But here, we all seemed to think that the Conservatives would win outright, but they didn't. I have a theory as to why. 

When the elections came round, Gordon Brown was in power following up from Tony Blair. Everyone hated Gordon Brown, so all the Conservatives had to do was look good. Imagine you're in a dimly lit street. Wait, I can make this awesome. 

So yeah, you're walking down a dimly lit street with your vote under your arm. You've realised that the current government has done a really shit job and you want a change. Suddenly, David Cameron appears and says something to you.

"You're right! I am feeling like a bit of a change. And look at that shiny head of yours! Wow! I don't think anything can top that!" Nick Clegg then appears to try and swindle you.

The debate becomes heated. Clegg clearly fancies the pants off Cameron and wants in his pants, but Cameron doesn't want anything to do with him and slags him off all the times. As if this wasn't enough for your mind to handle, Gordon Brown shows up to try and win back your vote to keep him in session.

He doesn't exactly sway your vote. In fact, you like him even less now. So, here's my theory of what actually happened in the last election.
 - All of the old people stuck to their guns and just did what they did last time and voted for Labour. That's because old people hate change.
 - The 30-50 year olds were in two ways about it, and it turns out that they still have opinions so I think they voted for the Conservatives. It makes sense, really.
 - The 18-25 years olds decided that they didn't want to do what everyone else was doing, so the politically minded and clever ones voted for the Conservatives whereas everyone else voted for the Liberal Democrats, but that's just because no one else was doing it. And us young people like to be different.

So at the end of it all we ended up with a government that no one voted for and therefore everyone was miserable. Gordon Brown disappeared completely and Nick Clegg finally became someone we all actually knew. And then we instantly hated him for being a lying dick. The general feel I got from the people around me after the election is that suddenly everybody hated the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives and they all claimed that Labour was the best party. There's a very good reason for this. People have this urge to hate whatever they can't control. Yes, they controlled the election, but as soon as that almost elected government started making decisions they were hated. It doesn't matter what party it is, we are never ever going to be happy with the way that this country is run. And do you want to know why that is? Because at the end of the day there is only one person who can effectively run this country:

Yeah, everyone. Oh wait, hang on... the picture is changing... my answer might be wrong... Apparently we aren't the ones who can save the country. If not, then who? Gordon Brown is completely out of the picture now, but that wasn't my doing. What's going on?

No! It all makes sense! The slender new Labour head... What was his name? Oh it doesn't matter. I know it begins with O and ends with perator. All that matters now is getting the hell out of here before Slender Man creeps into any more of my paint jobs.

Let's go. 

Thursday, 29 September 2011

The Rhythm of Life

It's a fucking powerful thing. It's also the name for my new Facebook album series. It seemed appropriate for the move to Uni.

I sure am going to miss the lunacy of the phrase "Magic in a Can" though.

Sigh.

Anyway, I suppose you want to know all about my adventures into the vast exciting world that many of us call getting drunk in a place where we cook our own food. It's more colloquially known as university though.

So, let's start from the get-go.

Saturday
Christ this was a while ago now. Let's see if I can remember all. I packed all of my things, got in the 5 Series and went to my accommodation. I arrived, unloaded my things, found my room, unlocked the door, put all of my bags in there, emptied a couple of them so my Dad could take them back home and then he fucked off. So yeah, that went well. I then met my first flatmates. This was an interesting moment. Richard was the final one to arrive and so was wandering around trying to find out who everyone was. He was talking to Dave and I walked out to say hi, and he was all like, "Ohhh, you're the one in A. Yeah, I'm just trying to find out who everyone is because apparently I'm the last one to sign in. Oh, I'm Richard by the way and this is Dev." You see, it's funny, he called him Dev because Dave is a northerner and therefore pronounces his name as Daeve! What a hoot. Anyway, a little while later we went to the party upstairs and had quite a fun time. There was alcohol, attractive women, creepy weirdos, creepy stalker weirdos, creepy rapey stalker weirdos. In fact, I think there's a trend. I got into the vibe of the party pretty quickly, but I couldn't pin down the whole creepy stalker routine. Apparently I find it necessary to not treat women like meat that we want to stick our dicks into. I didn't want to appear like a nice, genuine guy for fear of embarrassment so I kept quiet about that trait. Anyway, one million introductions to people whom I'm never going to remember the names of later and I met someone that I apparently knew. What are the chances? This girl came up to me and pointed at me and said, "I think I know you... do we know each other?" Well, me being me I had no idea what she was on about but then she said, "I'm from Kettering too!" and followed it with, "You know Luke McIntyre? Yeah, I'm his ex. Or one of." This cleared everything up. Although to this day I still have no idea who she is or how she recognised me. Guess I'm just famous in my local town.

Anyway, so that was fun.

Sunday
Oh Sunday, what did I do on Sunday? That's actually a very good question. I woke up at ridiculous o'clock in the afternoon because I was a little more than tired and I... genuinely can't remember what I did for the rest of the day up until the evening. Although I don't particularly want to say what I did in the evening. Basically I attempted to cook myself a pizza that night, and upon failing miserably I suddenly started contemplating that I had no idea how to do anything. I was fretting that I had no idea how to live and do this whole uni thing and continually thought, "I'm not cut out for this." And then I broke down and started to think that without Lauren or Bekah or Joe or Becca or anyone else from my Real Family I'm just a non-entity standing in a field of nothingness being crushed by the vast emptiness. Anyway, a couple of text messages and a few tears (I KNOW. I FUCKING CRIED! HOW COOL IS THAT? [Just for those of you confused by that outburst, I used to be a completely emotionless dickhead and as time went on and I was transforming into the awesome person I am now I decided that crying would be a very significant step forward] So yeah, now I'm even better than I was before) later and I was all better. Good.

WAIT. I just remembered what I did in the day. I met up with Aimee with Dave and we went for a wander around town. Dave wanted to buy food and alcohol, so we found a Tesco and we went there. However, because Aimee is particularly cheap she wanted to find a Home Bargains. Eugh. And do you know what? There isn't a Home Bargains in Leicester. I think this might be my new favourite place on Earth. In fact, the ASDA isn't even close to the city centre. This place just gets better. There's two Sainsbury's Locals and two Tesco Expresses. I literally have no other option than to find good deals in these places. And that makes me really happy. ASDA might be cheaper than Sainsbury's, but I doubt that they have as many offers on.

Monday
8 o'clock start. 9 o'clock lecture. Although it wasn't really a lecture. Basically the course leader stood in front of us all and said, "So we've given you these sheets with all of these criteria on and now you have to find names to put under all of them! Go!" and it was brilliant. They called it the "icebreaker" just so that we were forced to get to know each other in the first five minutes of our time together as a team of Media Productionists. I met loads of cool people. We then had a coffee break in which Katie with a K and an ie (I had to ask these questions, and it helped break the ice as it were) took a shine to me and we bought a drink from the coffee shop where there was a trainee who didn't know the price of anything and so took the actual piss to serve us. Anyway, that was good. So a little while later we were back in the lecture theatre and then we really got on to talking about the course. And you know what? WE GET TRAINED BY THE BCC IN OUR SECOND AND THIRD YEARS. I KNOW. It's the most amazing thing ever. Of all time. Anyway, after that I'm pretty sure we had a couple more lectures but... oh yeah, we had the Dean's Welcome which was dull and then enrolment which was the easiest thing I've ever done. I was despairing because I thought I'd have to wait in a massive queue and then go through this complicated process that would involve having a stake driven through my heart and then I'd have to resurrect myself using my student finance form and my A-level certificates. But no, I was the third one there, they gave me a form to fill in, I filled it in, they sent me to get my student finance letter scanned, they scanned it, I got my student card and bam. Done. I was out within ten minutes. As for the evening... I'm sure I did something. Sunday has been the only night I've stayed in, so I must have done something. I know the film quiz was on that night, but I didn't do that. Wow. I guess it'll come back to me soon. Kind of like Sunday's situation.

...

I have 30 mb internet now so things download really quickly. But I shit you not, I just downloaded an entire program onto BBC iPlayer in less than 10 minutes. I like Uni. It's good.

Edit: I actually just downloaded this week's Mock the Week in less than 1 minute. Apparently I'm really underselling my current internet speed's true potential. 

Tuesday
This was fairly boring. We were given the library tour today. Wait, scratch that. We were told to look around the library today and answer questions and there was going to be a prize draw with iPods! Yay! I didn't bother doing the questions. I don't really plan on using the library. I have Adobe Premier Pro and Photoshop CS5 on my laptop. I'm set. We then sat in a lecture theatre for three fucking hours listening to security talks and boring stuff and other stuff I can't remember and it's all just a blur really. Anyway, that evening was Fresher's Footlights, which was a comedy show at the DSU. That was cool. It was actually pretty good and most of the acts were genuinely funny. One wasn't. I like to call him Shaky McNotaverygoodstandup. It must have been his first time, bless him. Oh, but the female comic afterwards said something hilarious. "So after most girls break up with their boyfriends they like to indulge themselves in something. You know, eat lots of chocolate, listen to loads of sad music which completely epitomises their current mood. I got chlamydia." Unfortunately that's the only joke that I can remember right now, but for 10 comics that aren't famous at all it was really good.

Wednesday
This is the day that Joe came to visit me. He arrived and it felt like we'd never been apart. I was supposed to go to the space centre that morning with my course mates, but I woke up at 8, did a painful shit and thought, "Life is too short" so I went back to bed and slept for another three hours. I know, that is ironic. So yeah, I met up with Joe and then we went to go and look at the societies. I think I'll be joining the Demon Media group, because they make TV and radio and newspapers and that's awesome. Then we met up with Aimee and went back to her place for a bit and chatted for a while. We then left to go to my place and Aimee went to bed because bless her she's always knackered now. Anyway, after Joe met Richard and decided that he was a nice guy we went to stake out Becca's accommodation so that we both knew where it was and how far it was from everything. We looked at the route on Google Maps and almost made it without a hitch. But to be fair, it was a 40 minute journey (including getting lost time, which still puts me ahead of Google's estimated time thank you very much) so it was very difficult to remember each and every turn. Anyway, it's fucking miles from anywhere. Seriously, it took us maybe 15 minutes to walk to Leicester Uni and then from there it took the piss. So yeah, she's going to have fun getting around. But then again, I'm a ten minute walk away from DMU so it's not actually that much further for her. Twice the distance in fact. But even so, it's still easier for me to get to Leicester Uni than it is for her, which is hilarious. Anyway, that night we... did the pirate treasure hunt and I got to see all of the sights around Leicester that I haven't seen yet, including some really freaking hot pirate chicks. Oh, and the prison that looks like a castle.
How cool is that?!

Anyway, we then went to the circus societies' welcome event, which was good fun. I can see me getting plenty of good pictures out of it. Kind of like this one:
I am master of fire!

So yeah, there were people playing with fire and I got to test some stuff out on my camera and that's always cool. Oh, and on this night I also tried Brothers toffee apple cider, and by Vectron's name it's the best tasting drink on the entire planet.

Thursday
And finally we reach today. My god, it's been a week. Today was Bodge Day for the Media Production students. It was insane amounts of fun. The guys from Demon FM and Demon TV came to give us a taster of what we'll be doing both with them if we join and over our three year course. My little group were first given a tour of Demon FM, which is really cool because it's an actual radio station that was kitted out by the same guys who kitted out BBC Radio. We were then given a task. It was a funny task. We were told to record a radio show about the dangers of squirrels in the style of an insurance advert. By god it was hilarious. But then came the Demon TV part. Firstly we were given a video camera that's worth like ... a lot of money and I fell in love with it instantly and wanted to keep it forever because it's amazing but anyway, that wasn't the point. We were tasked with making a video about a ninja death battle in the style of David Attenborough including the quote, "Do as I say or I'll give you a ride on the tickle train." I think that this is the single greatest thing I've ever done that doesn't count Granite Moths and Zombie Plan. And it was only an hour long project as well, but that was the best hour-long project I've ever done.

So, that was this week. Tomorrow there's another comedy thing happening at the DSU so I'll be heading to that and then from then on I don't know what's happening. Ooh, it's going to be good.

As a final note though, I do miss you (my Real Family) a hell of a lot. While I've made a few friends and I'm getting along with everyone, there's no one here than could possibly replace you. Wait, I have a feeling I've actually already said this in the last post. If I have, meh, if I haven't then here you go! Feel impotent.

HAHAHA! I wrote impotent instead of important! Fuck me, I'm funny.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Goodbye Magic in a Can

Those of you who have me on Facebook may well realised that I like to playfully name my albums. An ongoing album from the last two years has been my Magic in a Can series.

I used to be obsessed with the idea of having magic, and then condensing it down into a can so that you can store it for very later usage.

And it all started in one free period when some bozos stole my camera:
The birth of Magic in a Can

When Dukey slapped himself in the face on the 4th November 2009 it created a chain reaction that then resulted in Magic in a Can coming to fruition. Since then it has been the home to the last two years of photos that couldn't be properly categorised. And my, it was beautiful.

Magic in a Can 2: Magic Harder
By this time I had established what I wanted on the front of each of the Magic in a Can albums. Unfortunately the start of this album is not one that I'm proud of in my current photographical sense. But somehow, we skip forward to August 2010 with my favourite photo from that album.
Rawr!

It had taken months for Magic in a Can to get started and working properly. Churning out photos like there was no tomorrow. But this is where the magic started, baby. Magic in a Can 2 spanned only a few months, covering up until the 8th of November.
PUUURRPPPLEEEE

Magic in a Can 3: Revenge of the Jam Jar
I had to start this album on the same day I finished the last one, because I still had some fireworks left.

Cool, right? The proper starting event for this album, though, happened only a few days later.

Yeah, Josh held his own fireworks shindig.

The rest of the album covers right up until Christmas and includes time with My Kids, Luke and Becca's 18th, lots of fog, and time up until Christmas when this stuff happened:
Christmas with the Real Family

You'll never out-fox the fox.

Teddy sex.

And it finally finished up with one of the single cutest pictures you ever did see:

That was quite an album, and a very fun time as well.

Magic in a Can 4: A New Alloy
Shortly after my 18th birthday I made a new album. It covered the months from January through to April 2011. And it all started with Waistcoat Wednesday:

During this time we had barn dances, my death, Joe getting drunk, gigs, a trip to Manchester, and a very strongly worded message:

So yeah, a lot of Magic in a Can and blog crossovers during this album. In fact, that's probably apparently throughout the rest of time.

Magic in a Can 5: The Baked Beans Strike Back
Spanning the time between the 10th of April and the 16th of May, the fifth Magic in a Can album documents the final month we had at Brooke Weston. It began with Norra (I can't be bothered linking any more. I might do it later):

Then we saw Bekah's 18th:

Then there was some fooling around on the last few days:

Then there was some place I took loads of cool pictures:

And it finally ended up with Mr Nicholls' BBQ:

Magic in a Can 6: The Return of the Magic Talking Leopard
And thus, the swan song has been reached. The ultimatum of Magic in a Can. It began on the 18th of May with Dukey's first legal pint and ran through until today with some pictures of Edwards' final farewell to the ones of us who were left before we went to Uni. What a fun time this was.

Westie got came on by Kermit the Frog:

We dismantled Dukey's car:

We did something stupid with our chins:

There was a new cat to take cute pictures of:

I finally kick-started my childhood: (after Cornwall of course, but that got its own album)

We got very drunk one last time:

We met some of our heroes:

And finally, we created an army of rabbits:

So what now? This is it. Magic in a a Can is done. It's over. I can never use that phrase again. No wait, scratch that. Magic in a Can is too good-a-phrase to be simply washed away like that. But I can never ever ever ever ever ever upload another picture to anything under the name of Magic in a Can. It has encompassed me and My Real Family's lives through our A-levels and has been our companion through the holidays. It has shared every moment, every memory, every great time that can't otherwise be categorised under another name or would've been such a small album that it wouldn't have been worth creating. It's been a good run, but now it's time to start anew.

I won't mention anything from Uni right now, purely because I've got another post lined up for you. But seriously, the last two years have been the best of my life. Uni is going to start off tough, and it might get better, but it will never ever compare to being with the best people in the world (and I'm not even joking, I haven't met anyone here that even comes close to someone better than you guys) every day of my life. I miss you a hell of a lot. It's time to count down the days until I see you again.

Pete out.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

I Was Held at Gunpoint

Hi, Kay. This post is to make you happy.

Christ, I'm just picturing a thousand people suddenly asking me, "Who's Kay? Why are you writing a blog post for her? Do you fancy her? Annoying question?"

But what can I say about dear Kay?
"fail. nothing then. HAHA"
Well, Kay, on the contrary, I believe I can say many-a-thing about you.

If ever I were to have a secret, Kay, then you'd be that secret. Mainly because I always harp on about how I don't like meeting people on the internet because they're almost always creeps and weirdos and even if they are okay people I don't keep up any sort of conversation with them when Dukey or Josh isn't there because I generally don't have anything in common with these people. But you had to go and ruin that, didn't you? You had to be so damn perfect that I just had to stay in contact with you.

You made me break my rule.

But that's okay, I don't mind that. One, because I'm going to be seeing you soon anyway when you move to London and two, you've proven to me that not everyone I can't look in the eyes is a pathetic weirdo who likes nothing more than to piss me off. You're a wonderful human being and you've never done me wrong. Ever. That's like a world record or something. That's pretty special, Kay.

So I'm going to leave this blog post here and tell you that your post is ready for your inspection.

All the best for everything,
Peter.

Uh... Outside Voice? This isn't a letter. It's a blog post.
I will sign out however I want to sign out!
Yeah, I'm sure she'll love this pathetic attempt at a blog post. It's not even that good.
Okay, it's not my best work, but it'll do, won't it?
Aren't you going to say something along the lines of "I love you and you've somehow forever managed to be a rock for me and you always know how to say the correct things even when no one else can"?
You've kind of just done that for me.
It's because I'm a fucking legend. 
Get out of my head, Inside Voice.
Can't. I'm kind of stuck in here.
Whatever.

I love you, KayKay.

Monday, 19 September 2011

BANG

THIS BLOG POST WILL BE FREAKING EPIC.

SERIOUSLY. IT WILL BLOW YOUR FREAKING MIND.

Hang on, my new phone did its gay little ring tone to tell me that I have a new text message. I haven't figured out how to fix it yet.

Ah, it was from an attractive lady. Let me read it to you.

"Dear Mr H. I've decided to call you Mr H. Because that's totally an awesome name. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're super freaking awesome and that you're so freaking hot. All the best, your biggest fan."

Okay, I lied. It was just Sophia asking me what we were going to do tomorrow. Jeez.

Anyway, I believe that I promised you a freaking awesome blog post.

First off, who loves the Cookie Monster?

I know, right?! That video was freaking awesome!

So anyway, what have I done recently? Well, after GAMEfest I got a new HTC Chacha, can't remember if I told you that or not. I like it. I now understand why everyone must announce that they have a new smartphone. I haven't really announced it. I did the ceremonial post to Facebook to check to see if Facebook actually worked on my phone, and now I vow to never ever make a status update via mobile again. But you know, I can if I want to, and that's the point of a smart phone. Oh, but I'll tell you freaking what, the alarm doesn't go off if you have the phone switched off. That sucks. How can you call a phone smart if the alarm is lazy? How can you have a lazy alarm? The alarm on all of my previous phones dating back to my Nokia 8800 which had a camera and polyphonic ringtones wasn't lazy at all. If the phone was turned off when the alarm was due, then the alarm would sound regardless. Get smart, phone.

Anyway? What was the purpose of this post? Oh yeah:
If the snake-arm didn't do it for you, I don't know what will. 

So there's your choice. You can have your mind blown or your arm can become a schnakey-schna. Personally though, that paint job blew my mind. I couldn't even believe what I had done. I mean, that man's arm is a snake.

Speaking of italics, here's Inside Voice with a take on today's trip to the bank:

"Okay, so just walking in... looks pretty empty. That's okay, we'll be done in a minute. Two desks open, that's unusual. Aw, that baby is sitting on the desk thinking that he's all high and mighty. I know what he wants for his birthday. A schnakey-schna. I hope I don't have that old woman who always tries to advertise stuff to me. Are there any male bankers around today? They don't try and sell me pointless new bank accounts that may have added benefits, but you have to pay for them. I don't think of it as a benefit if it's not free. I got a bank account so that I wouldn't lose money, and yet there you sit trying to take my money from me. You're supposed to put that money into my bank account so that I can use it, not take it for your own selfish needs. Crap, there are only female bankers today. I'll just have to hope I get the black woman. She doesn't look so... 'banker' like. She looks like she knows what I want, which is to just put some money in my fucking bank account without dilly-daddling. Fucking hell, what's taking so long? Right, my turn. Yes, I'd like to pay in this cheque. No, I'm not trying to cash the cheque you stupid whore, I have my card right here so that I can pay it into my account. Stupid old woman. That mother and child are having such a nice time with the black chick over there. Damn this stupid world. Right, the money goes in, I put my pin in, you give me my card back. OH FUCK OFF. NO I DON'T WANT TO UPGRADE MY ACCOUNT TO A FUCKING SIGNATURE ARSING CURRENT FUCKING ACCOUNT. I have a bank account, I just came in to pay some monies, and now I want to go home. But no, that's not good enough for you is it? You're not even mentioning the monthly fee of too much fucking money per month. Yeah, okay, I save 7% at ASDA, but where does the money that I save from using this account go? Yeah, straight to you. You're a moron. I don't want or need this account. I've been saving money pretty well on my own. Well, I would've been saving money pretty well on my own if Liberty Living didn't take 200 fucking pounds off me to pay for damages to my apartment that haven't even happened yet. If I don't get every penny of that back at the end of the year, then Liberty Living is so going down. Are you done telling how much I won't benefit from this stupid account upgrade yet? It's not really an upgrade if I have to pay for it, is it? That's called taking money off me and giving me only a small reward in return. No, I'm not driving. All of my technology comes with its own insurance. Fuck off. You haven't fucked off yet. Give me my card so I can get the fuck out of here. I'm the one trying to fuck off now. Seriously, it's not that difficult. Just put the card into the funky tray and I'll get out of here so I can go home and watch a movie. Do it. Do it. Thank you, you mindless, self-centred, putrid being of a person. Now it's definitely time to look at the improvements to the town centre. Dum-de-dum... what? You've just redone the paving a bit. That's not an improvement, that's just maintenance. I want my money back. I didn't actually pay taxes for this to be done, but that's not the point. I want the money back that I would've spent on this terrible excuse for an 'improvement' if indeed I paid taxes. There, that sounds good."

Inside Voice got angry at the old woman in the bank.

Anyway, a whole new adventure starts tomorrow.

I have a headache.

P.S. Who searched "spider monkey touching their balls" and found my blog? You're a weirdo. So is the person who searched "filthy tits". This is just getting ridiculous. I should stop putting weird words in my posts. My blog is titled "Cliché Life Stuff." What makes you think that I'm the source for your weird, seedy fetishes?