So, at exactly some time near half past seven in the bloody morning (a time that I thought didn't exist on Saturdays) I was collected and brought to Corby train station. This is the very same train station that gets people from Corby to Kettering (a pointless journey on a train, if I'm honest) and then to London and back every day. This is the same train station that lost Corby its one claim to fame after the steelworks went down. However, without this pathetic excuse for a train station, Red Dot Day wouldn't exist and therefore this trip wouldn't have happened.
Right, so once we got to Corby train station we had to buy our tickets and wait for Dukey. He told us that he'd arrive at 0800 exactly, and his mum assured us that he would arrive at 0800 exactly. So when he arrived at 0812 exactly, we were a little tiny bit miffed. Dukey's mum was then obliged to drive us to Kettering train station because we had practically missed the one from Corby to Kettering (as I said, a pointless journey to make on a train). Laura then gave me the remainder of the pizza she had given Josh the night before for me to eat for breakfast. Mainly because pizza is delicious, even when cold, but partly because I absolutely do not ever ever ever like buying anything from the money-hungry dick face that is the McDonald's fast food chain, which is where everyone else got their breakfasts. In fact, McDonald's is such a money grabbing dick head, that Google Chrome not only accepts McDonald's as a correct spelling, but it doesn't accept its own name as a true spelling, nor does it accept Josh as a correct spelling. This makes me miffed, to the highest degree.
Anyway, enough drambling. Time to get on with the whole Manchester thing.
We trained it there. While the train journeys took 3 hours, not much was packed into them. Sure, we were locked in at the end of the carriage with barely any room (Camp Brooke Weston, FTW) all we really did that was interesting was playing this Risk-type game and offer sweets to strangers. We also had to solve the Mystery of the Unattended Bag. Eventually we arrived in Manchester and were greeted with this:
Yup, it's one of those fancy moving floors.
I'm not entirely sure why fancy moving floors exist, but it's still pretty cool. After looking around the Uni a tiny amount we walked towards the city centre to find a sky scraper that didn't look like a phallic symbol.
The extension makes all the difference.
Eventually we ended up at the Museum of Science and Industry. It was pretty cool, actually. It had olde time planes, olde time lathes, olde time pillar drills and an olde time front desk with an olde time 53 inch flat screen HD television and then we came across an olde time 4D cinema. "4D you say?" Yes, indeed. I'll get to that later.
This was basically the part of the tour of Manchester made specifically for Josh and I. There were electromagnets, drawings of plasma confinement theory, a steam powered workshop, a load of trains and entire room full of WWII planes. It was a fucking awesome museum. On our tour we found a Eurofighter Typhoon simulator, and we had to try it out. Keith, our pilot, showed us the ropes and simulated dips and rolls and dives and banks and it was awesome. We then got to go the 4D cinema. If you don't understand the concept of 4D, then I'll have to explain it to you, I guess. You have the run-in-the-mill 3D images, but the seats have hydraulics in them and they also spray air and water at you so that you are in the moment. It was pretty cool. We watched a thing about thieves breaking into a museum and then accidentally awakening a deadly magical pirate of death. I think the most amazing moment was when you could see the crabs crawling towards you, and then you could feel their pincers tickling at your legs. So yeah, that was cool.
So with mine and Josh's thing over, we went to do Dukey's thing after lunch. Dukey's thing was this:
Scary, right?
Of course what I'm actually talking about is this:
Yup, we went to Old Trafford so Dukey could say that he's been there. We went into the shop to have a look at how much this money-grabbing fiend of a football club steals from its adoring fans. Verdict: a lot. Although, this did give Josh a chance to say things like this:
Josh: So, Dukey, who's your favourite character?
And:
Josh: Huh, this bear has the Manchester United logo on its foot. That's branding, and therefore it's animal cruelty.
Hilarious stuff, Josh, truly. Oh well, at least Dukey got to hold the balls of his favourite team.
Hah, you see, I made a joke.
Dukey was very extremely annoyed at us for mocking his team while inside their own football ground. How he did not see this coming is beyond me.
After this, we saw the mark of the Granite Moth's version of Slender Man.
Oh dear god.
It seems like we will never be rid of that slender pink guy with his long tail.
We then went to Picadilli Gardens because it sounded like a good idea and it was a good idea. The first thing we encountered was an awesome guy who sold us some fudge. Yes, just fudge. No, nothing more sinister. Why would you even accuse? Then we came across an authentic northern stone wall.
As near as I could tell, this authentic northern wall served no purpose other than to just be there.
We then found a fountain area which looked pretty cool.
Rainbow!
This is a place to relax when you're on your lunch break or just finished school. Naturally small children were having the time of their lives here, while our-age girls would be completely flabbergasted by this strange contraption. Girls would run through, scream a lot and then drag their friend with the white top on through. It's like they just don't expect these things to happen.
At this point we realised that the people from Manchester were damn good. Damn damn good good damn good damn damn... good. Seriously, people from the South think that people from the North are dick-cunts, but from what we could tell, the locals of Manchester were just lovely. We were only afraid of being stabbed when we went to Old Trafford, but that was mainly because football fans are like Nazis and they hate outsiders.
We then had to think about leaving, but only after we'd explored a shopping centre. It was okay. Not exactly a Mediamarkt, but it wasn't bad... and then we found a Portal 2 demo. Josh saw it and was like, "OH MY SHITTING FUCK GOD CUNT FUCK EAT MORE WANKER!" and ran down the escalator and then was like to the people playing the game already, "SQUARE GO LIKE!" and then one of them moved and he sat down. I was the second to arrive. I arrived as if I was looking forward to playing the demo, but I wasn't going to kick up a fuss about it if I didn't get to play. Immediately the game looks fantastic. It's like the old Portal but more. That makes it pretty cool.
Then we really had to leave. I can't really remember what the journey home was like. It was certainly more comfortable than the journey there. Although Josh did on this journey do a massive dump. I was like, "He won't be long," as I waited outside the toilet. Two minutes later and a man joined me in the queue, just as I was thinking, "I'll go sit back down for a while," so then I really couldn't give up my spot out of pride and need to go to the toilet. When Josh emerged he looked guilty, and I think the passengers of the train made him feel that way too. There was no wonder he felt guilty, because it stank, even after the five extra minutes he took in there after flushing to try and rid the smell. I was standing outside the toilet making friends, while he was inside making enemies with both himself and the passengers.
At another point on this journey we saw a woman waving to her boyfriend/husband through us and I could see Josh itching to do something to make the moment awkward. I figured whatever Josh was planning in his head would've been bad, so I decided to kind of take the moral high-ground and step in before he did something foolish that would've gotten us kicked out of England. So I asked her, "Can you make him run alongside the train?" this embarrassed her slightly but also made her laugh, so we were off the hook. We're good people when we're tame.
Some chavs then locked Josh in the toilet while he was looking for his sharpy. It was hilarious.
I'm going to skip right over to when Dukey and I were sitting in the car outside Josh's house waiting for him to get his shit together. We had the music at a reasonable level and the windows down. We then heard what sounded like a little girl screaming, and then the CD player died. It only came back to life when the windows went back up. The street light behind us then got a little bit brighter. The CD player then started acting up again when a slight shadow appeared. It was Slender Man. He had found us. We decided to get the fuck out of there. So we moved to a different spot. When Josh and Laura finally emerged Dukey flashed the lights and revved the engine, charging straight towards them with the intention of scaring the shit out of them. It worked. We then went back to Josh's other house and spent the night watching Rush Hour.
So, that's Manchester. Pretty awesome, huh? I will definitely have to go back there one day. But until then...
Actually, I have no idea. Uh... bye.
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