Ever since the beginning of time the human race has spent countless hours sitting around, chin resting on fist purely to think about why exactly we've been placed here on this ball of iron and water. I too, as a human being, have spent at least 10 minutes of my life pondering over this and these are my conclusions:
An atheist (AKA a close-minded know-it-all) would believe that the meaning of life is to simply exist. We are here by chance and therefore that is our purpose. To be a part of that one-off.
A person bound by religion (AKA a close-minded know-it-all) would believe that we are a reflection of god and our ultimate purpose is to please him/her/it/them in whatever way we have been 'told' to do so.
These are the two simplest philosophies. But it would be extremely boring to look at just two of them, so let's take a look at loads.
An Australian would think that life is all about not giving a fuck. It's about realising that a spider or some other critter might give them a lethal dose of something at any point of any day, and so fear should not be accepted and instead an aura of "Crikey those critters have a harsh bite. Oh shit, Sheila, I've only gone and become paralysed. Crack open a beer for us, would ya?"
A German would think that getting as much done as possible to the best quality conceivable is what life is about. Second best is not good enough for the Germans. They have to be the most efficient and remain on top of the best automotive engineers in the world. Also a suit is essential to life. It's the Mjolnir to their Spartan 117.
A Frenchman would believe that doing the exact opposite to the Germans is what life is all about. Doing nothing is their forte. "Oh non! Il n'ya pas une baguette en le boulangerie! Vite vite! Put ze whole country on strike!" You wouldn't believe how often that happens.
A Chinaman would look at the world and see something to conquer. Their natural instinct is to take over the world. They're already on their way to completely buying out Africa and their making their way through South America as well. It's slowly happening.
A Brit's outlook on life seems to be pretty grim. According to our newspapers we are rife with teenage pregnancy and bad weather. "Christ! We haven't had rain in like three weeks! The whole country will burn up!" And then it rained for forty days and forty nights, but Thames Water was still on hosepipe ban. "These youths are an abomination to society!" So you see what I mean? A Brit's version of life is to get through it by complaining and getting things banned/unbanned or otherwise jailed. I'm soon expecting there to be a total ban on weather and government.
An American sees life as a huge cheeseburger. There is all the stuff that everybody sees on the outside with the tasty looking bun, but then we realise that it is a totally different story on the inside when every flavour in the world has been bunged inside to make a totally dysfunctional, but wonderfully diverse place to be where people appear to be happy. Or not. I don't know, I've never been to the place.
An extremist Muslim just wants to do his god proud by blowing himself up, killing as many infidels as possible. Naturally a regular Muslim would see the world like any other follower of faith, just so I don't look too judgemental.
An extremist Christian wants to spread the word of god by any means. In fact, they cause a lot of wars. A LOT. Most wars of all time have been to do with a Christian of great power wanting to conquer some land or eradicate another religion in their territory or whatever. Again, a regular Christian would blah blah.
An extremist Buddhist would step out of the way of the wars caused by religion and then set about the most peaceful kind of violence ever. That being that instead of killing other people, they would simply set themselves on fire and run around a bit.
If your view on life fits into any of these categories, congratulations. You are officially a stereotype. If any of you are offended because one of these descriptions fits you and you don't like that then don't give me grief. I don't make these stereotypes and nor do I enforce them. Sure I just wrote loads of stuff about them but shush.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Surely this should be about what I think the actual meaning of life is. I can only really say this. Life is exactly what you make of it. You only have one chance at it (unless of course, you are Ezio Auditore and your distant grandson can take over your memories and control you for a while... over and over... and over and over) so you might as well get it right. Even reincarnation states that you've got to have had a pretty good crack at your first life to have a good second one, so that's surely more incentive. The fact of the matter is, I am deadly scared that there is simply nothing after life, so you may as well make sure that the life you are living in this moment is the best you can have. If you're completely miserable, then you're doing it wrong. Lighten up a little.
That's not really the meaning of life though is it? A great metaphor is if god gives you lemons, then you make lemonade. You take what you get and you make something amazing from it. That's what life is really about, isn't it? It's not about answering the great questions or destroying other lives to promote your god or anything like the stuff I mentioned above. It is your life, and therefore is it also your choice on how to live it. So go on, have a shot, see if you can hit the target.
Less humour but more hard-hitting stuff this time round from the most cliché guy since Ghandi. An ironic comparison if there were ever any.
See you soon.
Friday 29 April 2011
Tuesday 26 April 2011
Beard Tuesday
Last week I decided to change. Not my clothes, my face. I'm still wearing the towel they put me in after my birth. It's a little small now.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I decided to grow a beard, and today was the day that people actually noticed it. More on that later.
First Lesson - Free
Josh Quach had a massive rant about the Tories and how they're massive gaylords (he's a homophobe, see). That was honestly pretty much the whole lesson... unless I'm forgetting something... nope, probably not.
In breakfast Sophia started the endless cycle of her touching my beard. It felt nice.
Second Lesson - DT
Oh don't I have a fun story to tell. You know how Mrs Egobitch is a right knobfuck? I know right? She had the cheek to waste our time with a pointless lecture about nothing. She also had the cheek to say that my work wasn't as good as it was. She deserves to be burned in the pits of hell. No wait, that's far too good for her. She deserves to be raped by a burning badger. No wait, that would mean harming a badger. She deserves to be mutilated by a chemically engineered flaming badger with spikes on its back. Yeah, that's good.
Third Lesson - DT
I went to go and see Miss Cockroft this lesson. I had a plan before I went in. I would tell her that Mrs Ainswhore is the single worst teacher on the face of the planet. I would word it in such a way as to make me sound genuinely worried rather than seeking revenge. The plan would work.
Outside Voice: So yeah, I just don't think she's giving us the support we need.
Inside Voice: When I say support, I mean she hasn't actually ever taught a single lesson in her life. She stands in front of the classroom, shouts a lot and expects something good to come out of it.
Rofty: How do you mean?
Outside: Well she hasn't told us how to do the evaluation and there's nothing on the VLE.
Inside: She also burns small children at the stake. I seriously can't work around people like that.
Cock: Well I can't go in accusing her of everything. She is a colleague and I do work with her.
Cockroft's Inside Voice: But I so wish I could.
That pretty much sums up that conversation. Mrs Cuntbitch then came up to me after she ate her own baby for lunch and was all like, "I sent you a PowerPoint about three weeks ago about Criterion 5," and I was all like, "No you didn't." That was me containing my state of absolute pissed-off-ness. I am about ready to bite her head off and eat it at my next rock 'n' roll gig.
At lunch Laura pointed at me and shouted a lot, and these words eventually came out: "You are the only person in the year who can pull a beard off!" Hmm, cool. Thank you, Laura.
Josh was like, "You're growing it to cover your bum-chin aren't you?" What bum-chin? Hah, see what I did there?
Fourth Lesson - Media
This lesson we learned about Pluralism, which is the opposite to Marxism. As far as I'm aware, Pluralism is the idea that everyone is equal... but it's also a democracy. So people should work together for the benefit of the country. Therefore I think the definition of Marxism is that the individual should strive to be better than anyone else and rise to be the ultimate power and control everything. There is only one problem with each of these values. A communist regime implies both Marxist and Pluralist ideals. A dictatorship is obviously Marxist, and democracy is definitely Pluralism but communism... well it's both. This confused me. Also, if we're looking at it that way, democracy is also both, because that's what this country is. We all help each other but we also help ourselves. One chain of supermarket could potentially take over all others, but at the same time they could all converge. This is both Marxist and Pluralist so... it's all about figuring where the line is. The only problem is that Ms T asked us to CHOOSE which side to take; so I have to choose whether I am Marxist or Pluralist. From its immediate description, Pluralism sounds better than Marxism, but it has as many disadvantages. I finally decided that I was a fuselage (neither right nor left wing) and therefore this decision ... will not actually be taken. My belief is that no system truly works. Loads of people are crying out for equal rights... okay, so we'll put the labour party back to its roots and make our country a communist country. Rich people are also complaining because of all the money that they get to keep anyway but want to make more, so let's put the conservative party back to its roots and make our country a dictatorship. No one seems to see that the balance we have at the moment, while not perfect, is well on its way to being ... okay. Well, that was my rant.
At the end of the lesson I was walking to the library and Beth and Casey just happened to be there as well and they saw my beard and didn't give either a positive or negative response and clearly stated... wait, no, Casey definitely called it a cute beard. Yes, I do remember that because I had to clarify it with her. Also outside the Library was Courtney, who was all like, "You look different. It's a good different!" and I was all like, "Have you dyed your hair? It looks nice, I like it."
Fifth Lesson - DT
I polished up my product and finished that bitch. Becca also became the first negative comment about my beard. Well, I guess that says something about your taste in my beard, Becca, it's definitely misplaced. Also, at the end of the day:
Joe: Yeah... he is stubborn. But that sounds exactly like someone I know. *Stares at Becca. Becca looks back in disgust* HUTCHY!
Me: Hey, I'm not apologising for that! I was within my rights to do it.
Joe: Why would you sleep with my badger?
Me: She was a right slag.
Joe+I: She was well up for it!
Fuck yeah.
Becca: Hah! I love laughing at you two.
And that concludes another day in the deep, dark heart of Brooke Weston. What the fuck am I going to do after I'm done here?
Oh well, all I know is that the beard is definitely a keeper for at least a couple more days. It's not thick enough to look fantastic yet, but it's getting there. Still, I am glad I decided to make the change.
See you soon.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I decided to grow a beard, and today was the day that people actually noticed it. More on that later.
First Lesson - Free
Josh Quach had a massive rant about the Tories and how they're massive gaylords (he's a homophobe, see). That was honestly pretty much the whole lesson... unless I'm forgetting something... nope, probably not.
In breakfast Sophia started the endless cycle of her touching my beard. It felt nice.
Second Lesson - DT
Oh don't I have a fun story to tell. You know how Mrs Egobitch is a right knobfuck? I know right? She had the cheek to waste our time with a pointless lecture about nothing. She also had the cheek to say that my work wasn't as good as it was. She deserves to be burned in the pits of hell. No wait, that's far too good for her. She deserves to be raped by a burning badger. No wait, that would mean harming a badger. She deserves to be mutilated by a chemically engineered flaming badger with spikes on its back. Yeah, that's good.
Third Lesson - DT
I went to go and see Miss Cockroft this lesson. I had a plan before I went in. I would tell her that Mrs Ainswhore is the single worst teacher on the face of the planet. I would word it in such a way as to make me sound genuinely worried rather than seeking revenge. The plan would work.
Outside Voice: So yeah, I just don't think she's giving us the support we need.
Inside Voice: When I say support, I mean she hasn't actually ever taught a single lesson in her life. She stands in front of the classroom, shouts a lot and expects something good to come out of it.
Rofty: How do you mean?
Outside: Well she hasn't told us how to do the evaluation and there's nothing on the VLE.
Inside: She also burns small children at the stake. I seriously can't work around people like that.
Cock: Well I can't go in accusing her of everything. She is a colleague and I do work with her.
Cockroft's Inside Voice: But I so wish I could.
That pretty much sums up that conversation. Mrs Cuntbitch then came up to me after she ate her own baby for lunch and was all like, "I sent you a PowerPoint about three weeks ago about Criterion 5," and I was all like, "No you didn't." That was me containing my state of absolute pissed-off-ness. I am about ready to bite her head off and eat it at my next rock 'n' roll gig.
At lunch Laura pointed at me and shouted a lot, and these words eventually came out: "You are the only person in the year who can pull a beard off!" Hmm, cool. Thank you, Laura.
Josh was like, "You're growing it to cover your bum-chin aren't you?" What bum-chin? Hah, see what I did there?
Fourth Lesson - Media
This lesson we learned about Pluralism, which is the opposite to Marxism. As far as I'm aware, Pluralism is the idea that everyone is equal... but it's also a democracy. So people should work together for the benefit of the country. Therefore I think the definition of Marxism is that the individual should strive to be better than anyone else and rise to be the ultimate power and control everything. There is only one problem with each of these values. A communist regime implies both Marxist and Pluralist ideals. A dictatorship is obviously Marxist, and democracy is definitely Pluralism but communism... well it's both. This confused me. Also, if we're looking at it that way, democracy is also both, because that's what this country is. We all help each other but we also help ourselves. One chain of supermarket could potentially take over all others, but at the same time they could all converge. This is both Marxist and Pluralist so... it's all about figuring where the line is. The only problem is that Ms T asked us to CHOOSE which side to take; so I have to choose whether I am Marxist or Pluralist. From its immediate description, Pluralism sounds better than Marxism, but it has as many disadvantages. I finally decided that I was a fuselage (neither right nor left wing) and therefore this decision ... will not actually be taken. My belief is that no system truly works. Loads of people are crying out for equal rights... okay, so we'll put the labour party back to its roots and make our country a communist country. Rich people are also complaining because of all the money that they get to keep anyway but want to make more, so let's put the conservative party back to its roots and make our country a dictatorship. No one seems to see that the balance we have at the moment, while not perfect, is well on its way to being ... okay. Well, that was my rant.
At the end of the lesson I was walking to the library and Beth and Casey just happened to be there as well and they saw my beard and didn't give either a positive or negative response and clearly stated... wait, no, Casey definitely called it a cute beard. Yes, I do remember that because I had to clarify it with her. Also outside the Library was Courtney, who was all like, "You look different. It's a good different!" and I was all like, "Have you dyed your hair? It looks nice, I like it."
Fifth Lesson - DT
I polished up my product and finished that bitch. Becca also became the first negative comment about my beard. Well, I guess that says something about your taste in my beard, Becca, it's definitely misplaced. Also, at the end of the day:
Joe: Yeah... he is stubborn. But that sounds exactly like someone I know. *Stares at Becca. Becca looks back in disgust* HUTCHY!
Me: Hey, I'm not apologising for that! I was within my rights to do it.
Joe: Why would you sleep with my badger?
Me: She was a right slag.
Joe+I: She was well up for it!
Fuck yeah.
Becca: Hah! I love laughing at you two.
And that concludes another day in the deep, dark heart of Brooke Weston. What the fuck am I going to do after I'm done here?
Oh well, all I know is that the beard is definitely a keeper for at least a couple more days. It's not thick enough to look fantastic yet, but it's getting there. Still, I am glad I decided to make the change.
See you soon.
Sunday 24 April 2011
Good Friday
Not only was that title relevant it is also factual.
But first, I have completed both of Portals modes only two days after its release... and three days after I got it. I wouldn't normally talk about games, but Portal is a different kind of game. Firstly, the first game was voted the best game in the world ever by lots of different game review companies, and also Portal 2 is at least 10 times the game that Portal 1 is. So not only has it reached the top spot, but it has actually reached a new level of winning. It's the kind of winning you can only win if you're ten times better than the win that you're supposed to get. Usually that's quite difficult. But seriously, I wholeheartedly recommend it. If you can find it for free, Portal 1 is totally free and is actually worth the £13 you have to pay for the Orange Box, which is the format it originally came in. That totally single player game actually became multiplayer, as reviewers actually stated that not only did their partners/friends enjoy watching them play it, but actually joined in to help them solve the more difficult puzzles. Portal 2 was designed to incorporate this, and it then threw a co-op mode at us which was damn-fucking awesome. It was like so awesome that it's going to be included later in this blog post.
First Lesson - Sleep
Uh... yeah, I can still use this format. Fuck you.
Second Lesson - Sleep
You can complain all you like, but I'm not going to stop.
Third Lesson - Waking Up
I should probably clarify at this point that the only reason I'm doing this is because it was supposed to be Friday's turn for a blog post, but you know... it's Good Friday and that means I'm not actually at school so I guessed that I should do this instead... well not really instead because I'm still following my own rules.
Anyway, during this time Josh phoned me to tell me that he was at town and he wanted me there to do some shopping for later's barbecue. Don't even try and say something about my grammar in that sentence, because I know full well that later is an adjective and not a noun, but I just turned it into one so suck it. Anyway, I got on my merry way soon enough and met Josh along Rockingham Road.
Fourth Lesson - The McKays
After arriving in town Josh brought me to his Laura and her family. They're an... odd bunch, to say the least. I mean, I can see exactly why Josh gets on with them. I think the correct word is... eccentric. Or just mad, but you know, no judgements here.
After we got the goods from the butchers we strolled back to Laura's house. I'm kind of hesitant to state what we did next.
Fifth Lesson - Portal 2
It was totally Josh's idea. But seriously, the co-op mode is amazing. It takes co-op gaming to a whole new level. In other games you can be a sort of "spawn buddy" so the other player can be a "bullet magnet" and try and kill everything and die in the process. But there's never been a co-op puzzle game before, not to my knowledge anyway. It forces both players to be active and thinking while doing it or you just don't progress at all. Laura's brothers tried to help, but seriously, they probably helped less than the bear-dog that Laura owns. I'm serious, it's a bear. But yeah, point proven, Portal brings people together to make them think. Sure they can't do it as well as Josh and I, but at least they tried... to be annoying while Josh and I were trying to think... but it's the thought that counts at the end of the day... because that's what Portal needs, a lot of thought, and they weren't providing it... but they were nice enough to get in the way of progress, and that's just swell.
Post Whatever Time Came After Portal
We had dinner. It was delicious. Josh was at the BBQ doing the shiz with the niz and making the food taste edible and delicious. Oh yeah, I failed to mention that Dukey and Joe arrived just before this point. That marked the time in the evening when food should be the only important thing in the moment.
Uh... Oh yeah, a very funny thing for us all was playing with Buster the Beardog. Dukey managed to show that despite the fact that he now has a dog, he's still absolutely despised by them. Buster wouldn't do a thing Dukey asked him to do, and this bear is the most obedient dog in the world.
Anyway, after communal food time Josh and I completed Portal we uh... how late was that exactly? Did we go out? OH YEAH! We went bowling.
Bowling
So yeah, you know that game where you set up 10 pins in an equilateral triangle about 10 metres away from your position and then dig gutters down either side of you according to the width of the pins and then you throw a ball that comes in a variety of colours and masses to suit your convenience down the "alley" towards the ultimate goal of knocking the pins over? Yeah, we did that.
It was pretty cool. Laura pretty much handed our collective arses to us in the first round by bowling more strikes and spares than a ... spider monkey with a micro-chip in its head programmed to only throw the best bowls in order to win every single time. I did my usual tactic of biding my time in the first round, letting everyone else sweat it out so that in the second round they're tired enough to let me win. Tactic? That's total bullshit. No, that's codeword for "I needed an excuse for losing the first round." I swear it's to do with the fact that I always take over in the second round. You know, all that lateral thinking and shit that I can do. Shush.
It should be noted that in our second game Josh and I drew perfectly because he performed an amazing once-in-probably-a-night-for-professional-bowlers-if-there-are-such-things feat by getting a strike and a spare in the last bowl. That's pretty good. I was just amazing throughout that round.
Blackadder
After bowling we went down into the deepest depths of Laura's abode to watch the comedy legend that is Rowan Atkinson in Blackadder Goes Forth. You know what? I've always thought that there were never enough ... anything about the first world war. I think that's mainly because the Great War mainly consisted of sitting in a trench (in German, they call it eine Grabe. Literally, a grave) for the most part stewing in your own filth trying not to poke your head up enough for a sniper to see you and pop it off. Anyway, Blackadder takes this kind of... skipped over a tiny bit part of history and flesh it out enough to make it funny. They do make a point though that if you even slide your hand into no-man's land then it will be shot off. Incidentally, that's how a lot of soldiers got out of fighting. Anyway, that was good.
The Morning
I only really mention the morning because I told a wonderful story about a game called "Duck's Revenge" which I made up on the spot in my head. Now, of course it was all of the top of my head so I can't actually remember what it's all about, but it's still a pretty cool idea and shows that I've still got it. If I do remember it, I'm sure I'll blog it.
Anyway, that's that and this is this.
Actually, that's just that.
There is no this.
This is not that.
That is not this.
Perhaps this could be that though. Although what kind of a world would we live in if it did?
I'm out.
But first, I have completed both of Portals modes only two days after its release... and three days after I got it. I wouldn't normally talk about games, but Portal is a different kind of game. Firstly, the first game was voted the best game in the world ever by lots of different game review companies, and also Portal 2 is at least 10 times the game that Portal 1 is. So not only has it reached the top spot, but it has actually reached a new level of winning. It's the kind of winning you can only win if you're ten times better than the win that you're supposed to get. Usually that's quite difficult. But seriously, I wholeheartedly recommend it. If you can find it for free, Portal 1 is totally free and is actually worth the £13 you have to pay for the Orange Box, which is the format it originally came in. That totally single player game actually became multiplayer, as reviewers actually stated that not only did their partners/friends enjoy watching them play it, but actually joined in to help them solve the more difficult puzzles. Portal 2 was designed to incorporate this, and it then threw a co-op mode at us which was damn-fucking awesome. It was like so awesome that it's going to be included later in this blog post.
First Lesson - Sleep
Uh... yeah, I can still use this format. Fuck you.
Second Lesson - Sleep
You can complain all you like, but I'm not going to stop.
Third Lesson - Waking Up
I should probably clarify at this point that the only reason I'm doing this is because it was supposed to be Friday's turn for a blog post, but you know... it's Good Friday and that means I'm not actually at school so I guessed that I should do this instead... well not really instead because I'm still following my own rules.
Anyway, during this time Josh phoned me to tell me that he was at town and he wanted me there to do some shopping for later's barbecue. Don't even try and say something about my grammar in that sentence, because I know full well that later is an adjective and not a noun, but I just turned it into one so suck it. Anyway, I got on my merry way soon enough and met Josh along Rockingham Road.
Fourth Lesson - The McKays
After arriving in town Josh brought me to his Laura and her family. They're an... odd bunch, to say the least. I mean, I can see exactly why Josh gets on with them. I think the correct word is... eccentric. Or just mad, but you know, no judgements here.
After we got the goods from the butchers we strolled back to Laura's house. I'm kind of hesitant to state what we did next.
Fifth Lesson - Portal 2
It was totally Josh's idea. But seriously, the co-op mode is amazing. It takes co-op gaming to a whole new level. In other games you can be a sort of "spawn buddy" so the other player can be a "bullet magnet" and try and kill everything and die in the process. But there's never been a co-op puzzle game before, not to my knowledge anyway. It forces both players to be active and thinking while doing it or you just don't progress at all. Laura's brothers tried to help, but seriously, they probably helped less than the bear-dog that Laura owns. I'm serious, it's a bear. But yeah, point proven, Portal brings people together to make them think. Sure they can't do it as well as Josh and I, but at least they tried... to be annoying while Josh and I were trying to think... but it's the thought that counts at the end of the day... because that's what Portal needs, a lot of thought, and they weren't providing it... but they were nice enough to get in the way of progress, and that's just swell.
Post Whatever Time Came After Portal
We had dinner. It was delicious. Josh was at the BBQ doing the shiz with the niz and making the food taste edible and delicious. Oh yeah, I failed to mention that Dukey and Joe arrived just before this point. That marked the time in the evening when food should be the only important thing in the moment.
Uh... Oh yeah, a very funny thing for us all was playing with Buster the Beardog. Dukey managed to show that despite the fact that he now has a dog, he's still absolutely despised by them. Buster wouldn't do a thing Dukey asked him to do, and this bear is the most obedient dog in the world.
Anyway, after communal food time Josh and I completed Portal we uh... how late was that exactly? Did we go out? OH YEAH! We went bowling.
Bowling
So yeah, you know that game where you set up 10 pins in an equilateral triangle about 10 metres away from your position and then dig gutters down either side of you according to the width of the pins and then you throw a ball that comes in a variety of colours and masses to suit your convenience down the "alley" towards the ultimate goal of knocking the pins over? Yeah, we did that.
It was pretty cool. Laura pretty much handed our collective arses to us in the first round by bowling more strikes and spares than a ... spider monkey with a micro-chip in its head programmed to only throw the best bowls in order to win every single time. I did my usual tactic of biding my time in the first round, letting everyone else sweat it out so that in the second round they're tired enough to let me win. Tactic? That's total bullshit. No, that's codeword for "I needed an excuse for losing the first round." I swear it's to do with the fact that I always take over in the second round. You know, all that lateral thinking and shit that I can do. Shush.
It should be noted that in our second game Josh and I drew perfectly because he performed an amazing once-in-probably-a-night-for-professional-bowlers-if-there-are-such-things feat by getting a strike and a spare in the last bowl. That's pretty good. I was just amazing throughout that round.
Blackadder
After bowling we went down into the deepest depths of Laura's abode to watch the comedy legend that is Rowan Atkinson in Blackadder Goes Forth. You know what? I've always thought that there were never enough ... anything about the first world war. I think that's mainly because the Great War mainly consisted of sitting in a trench (in German, they call it eine Grabe. Literally, a grave) for the most part stewing in your own filth trying not to poke your head up enough for a sniper to see you and pop it off. Anyway, Blackadder takes this kind of... skipped over a tiny bit part of history and flesh it out enough to make it funny. They do make a point though that if you even slide your hand into no-man's land then it will be shot off. Incidentally, that's how a lot of soldiers got out of fighting. Anyway, that was good.
The Morning
I only really mention the morning because I told a wonderful story about a game called "Duck's Revenge" which I made up on the spot in my head. Now, of course it was all of the top of my head so I can't actually remember what it's all about, but it's still a pretty cool idea and shows that I've still got it. If I do remember it, I'm sure I'll blog it.
Anyway, that's that and this is this.
Actually, that's just that.
There is no this.
This is not that.
That is not this.
Perhaps this could be that though. Although what kind of a world would we live in if it did?
I'm out.
Wednesday 20 April 2011
Dear Josh...
Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Josh Hilton: You know I hate you.
For the record, Portal 2 comes out tomorrow.
On first impressions, this game looks and feels fucking amazing. They took the old one and just gave it a good old kick up the backside and on the end of their boot they just happened to have a co-op campaign and loads of new features.
I'm just going to leave it here. Josh's credit card wasn't liked by Game so they didn't deliver Portal 2 to his house a day early like they did for me. I'm just saying is all.
Congratulations, God, you have officially upset an old fan of Portal by giving a completely new fan of Portal the second game, which could well be the best game in existence.
I love God sometimes.
Anyway, that's all from me.
Sunday 17 April 2011
Okay, So...
Guess what happened to my laptop! Yes! It did indeed get infected by a virus and then turn off System Restore and make the computer run really slowly and didn't let me turn it on so I would have to do a system repair which then in turn stopped me from using the laptop entirely based on the fact that it didn't know what the problem was so didn't do anything about it, let alone letting me do anything about it so I would have to back up all of my files onto a hard drive that just happened to be lying around in my house being used by no one and therefore should technically be inherited by me because I love new things that nobody knows how to use and so I should own but anyway that's not the point because I had to restore my laptop to its factory settings.
Great.
"Okay," Inside Voice said, "This shouldn't be too bad. All I have to do is back up my hard drive. Let's see... Yes, I do want to back up all of those things that you just said. Hang on, are you not going to let me choose what files I want to keep? But the box I ticked 'Pictures' not only includes my beautiful images taken by my precious camera, but it definitely also includes the thumbnails to all of the pictures and folders and videos and it also includes Microsoft Clipart. Why the fuck would I want to save Microsoft Clipart? There is literally no point in that."
I proceeded to back up my hard drive. It took a little while, but nonetheless it got through just fine. I then clicked the button that reset my laptop to its factory settings. "Great," said Inside Voice, "This should be a piece of cake. 'Do you want to backup your hard drive first?' I have already performed this task, thank you. 'Are you absolutely sure you want to restore your computer without first backing up your files?' Yes, because I already have a backup of the files. 'Okay, if you're sure.' Yes, Microsoft and/or HP, I am."
The laptop then started to revert back to its factory settings. It rebooted and I was greeted with the welcome screen that told me that this was the first time I had EVER used my laptop. This was a lie, because it was indeed quite along the way of the number of times I've used this laptop. "No matter," spoke Inside Voice, "I'll just get through this quickly and I'll be up and running in no time. It's not like I've been doing this for two hours already."
I pushed the various buttons and typed in the various details. All went swimmingly until HP decided to run their "This is the first time you've used your PC" program that is ironically too much for the processor to handle in one go due to the amount of clean graphics and pointless animations that they put into it. "Let me skip this bit," cried Inside Voice, "I don't need to do this!" But it did not stop. Eventually it came to asking me to connect to the internet. "Brilliant," thought Inside Voice, "That's just reminded me that this system reboot could have well fixed my internet troubles." This was in fact, a lie. "Windows cannot connect to the network." "Okay, Windows, why do I have to retype the passcode if you're the one who can't connect to the network? You're just an idiot." At least I can officially conclude that either TalkTalk or my router is a big pile of stinking canine manure.
Soon enough I got past the pointless over-exhaustive program that takes up a pointless and probably huge portion of my hard drive that will never be used for anything ever again unless I do another system reboot, but the likelihood of me doing that now is quite slim since I am well and truly absolutely pissed off with the annoying amount of trouble you have to go through just to basically say, "Yes, I would like my laptop to work. Thank you."
Norton was next on the list. I don't know why this god-awful virus scanner is automatically put on every computer in the entire world, because the very first thing I did when I got this laptop the first time was to delete it, and that's exactly what I did this time. I then managed to fix my internet woes and finally connect to the router so that I could download ESET, a far superior virus scanner. Although it is definitely not superior enough to stop that virus that essentially set in motion a horrible series of events that led to my laptop saying, "No" when I wanted to restart it. While downloading ESET I also immediately downloaded Google Chrome to stop the tyranny of Internet Explorer and its mounds upon mounds of unsightly toolbars that appear at the top half of my screen. The computer then wanted to restart because it had just done a bunch of updates that I probably won't need. Fortunately when ESET gives you a username and a password for three computers, it actually gives you a username and password for a seemingly infinite number of computers. I count 6 now, if you include this laptop as a new one since Windows thinks it is.
Anyway, it seemed I was in the clear now. But of course I was still missing all the files I had. So I booted up the external hard drive and told it to put the files back on my computer. "Fantastic!" thought Inside Voice, "I can have all of my files back. Oh brilliant! It also seems to have saved the programs- oh... They're not programs at all." Indeed. See, backing up your hard drive without telling the system what to back up means that it looks at a file and goes, "Yup, need that," and then sees the program that it is linked to and says, "Oh but we can't have that," because apparently this would be cheating and not at all money-draining to the individual. I'm not going to sit here and admit that I illegally download all of my programs, because I simply don't. But this recent event is kind of making the whole seedy stealing off the internet thing a really big advert to me. It's actually screaming to me to go onto a torrent website and give Adobe and Microsoft Office two great big slaps in the face for saving all of the files that complete the program, but not the program itself. However, stealing off the internet is still a crime, and I can't condone that. I'll have to do it the old fashioned way. Back alley with a trench-coat and trilby it is. After all, it was trying to download off the internet that landed me with this virus in the first place. Be safe, kids, stay the fuck away from the internet.
I do hope you've enjoyed my large rant about how shit this relatively small and unimportant ordeal has been for me. I also hope you don't end up in a similar situation, having to back up pointless files on a hard drive that you may have accidentally stolen from someone because it wasn't made abundantly clear that it wasn't intended for you, despite the fact the one of the folders is called, "Stuart's-PC", but then again you've never had a friend called Stuart and so it must have been left by some government agent. Oh well, I'm sure his files will remain hidden for a long time.
Anyway, back to the norm in the coming days.
I'm out
Great.
"Okay," Inside Voice said, "This shouldn't be too bad. All I have to do is back up my hard drive. Let's see... Yes, I do want to back up all of those things that you just said. Hang on, are you not going to let me choose what files I want to keep? But the box I ticked 'Pictures' not only includes my beautiful images taken by my precious camera, but it definitely also includes the thumbnails to all of the pictures and folders and videos and it also includes Microsoft Clipart. Why the fuck would I want to save Microsoft Clipart? There is literally no point in that."
I proceeded to back up my hard drive. It took a little while, but nonetheless it got through just fine. I then clicked the button that reset my laptop to its factory settings. "Great," said Inside Voice, "This should be a piece of cake. 'Do you want to backup your hard drive first?' I have already performed this task, thank you. 'Are you absolutely sure you want to restore your computer without first backing up your files?' Yes, because I already have a backup of the files. 'Okay, if you're sure.' Yes, Microsoft and/or HP, I am."
The laptop then started to revert back to its factory settings. It rebooted and I was greeted with the welcome screen that told me that this was the first time I had EVER used my laptop. This was a lie, because it was indeed quite along the way of the number of times I've used this laptop. "No matter," spoke Inside Voice, "I'll just get through this quickly and I'll be up and running in no time. It's not like I've been doing this for two hours already."
I pushed the various buttons and typed in the various details. All went swimmingly until HP decided to run their "This is the first time you've used your PC" program that is ironically too much for the processor to handle in one go due to the amount of clean graphics and pointless animations that they put into it. "Let me skip this bit," cried Inside Voice, "I don't need to do this!" But it did not stop. Eventually it came to asking me to connect to the internet. "Brilliant," thought Inside Voice, "That's just reminded me that this system reboot could have well fixed my internet troubles." This was in fact, a lie. "Windows cannot connect to the network." "Okay, Windows, why do I have to retype the passcode if you're the one who can't connect to the network? You're just an idiot." At least I can officially conclude that either TalkTalk or my router is a big pile of stinking canine manure.
Soon enough I got past the pointless over-exhaustive program that takes up a pointless and probably huge portion of my hard drive that will never be used for anything ever again unless I do another system reboot, but the likelihood of me doing that now is quite slim since I am well and truly absolutely pissed off with the annoying amount of trouble you have to go through just to basically say, "Yes, I would like my laptop to work. Thank you."
Norton was next on the list. I don't know why this god-awful virus scanner is automatically put on every computer in the entire world, because the very first thing I did when I got this laptop the first time was to delete it, and that's exactly what I did this time. I then managed to fix my internet woes and finally connect to the router so that I could download ESET, a far superior virus scanner. Although it is definitely not superior enough to stop that virus that essentially set in motion a horrible series of events that led to my laptop saying, "No" when I wanted to restart it. While downloading ESET I also immediately downloaded Google Chrome to stop the tyranny of Internet Explorer and its mounds upon mounds of unsightly toolbars that appear at the top half of my screen. The computer then wanted to restart because it had just done a bunch of updates that I probably won't need. Fortunately when ESET gives you a username and a password for three computers, it actually gives you a username and password for a seemingly infinite number of computers. I count 6 now, if you include this laptop as a new one since Windows thinks it is.
Anyway, it seemed I was in the clear now. But of course I was still missing all the files I had. So I booted up the external hard drive and told it to put the files back on my computer. "Fantastic!" thought Inside Voice, "I can have all of my files back. Oh brilliant! It also seems to have saved the programs- oh... They're not programs at all." Indeed. See, backing up your hard drive without telling the system what to back up means that it looks at a file and goes, "Yup, need that," and then sees the program that it is linked to and says, "Oh but we can't have that," because apparently this would be cheating and not at all money-draining to the individual. I'm not going to sit here and admit that I illegally download all of my programs, because I simply don't. But this recent event is kind of making the whole seedy stealing off the internet thing a really big advert to me. It's actually screaming to me to go onto a torrent website and give Adobe and Microsoft Office two great big slaps in the face for saving all of the files that complete the program, but not the program itself. However, stealing off the internet is still a crime, and I can't condone that. I'll have to do it the old fashioned way. Back alley with a trench-coat and trilby it is. After all, it was trying to download off the internet that landed me with this virus in the first place. Be safe, kids, stay the fuck away from the internet.
I do hope you've enjoyed my large rant about how shit this relatively small and unimportant ordeal has been for me. I also hope you don't end up in a similar situation, having to back up pointless files on a hard drive that you may have accidentally stolen from someone because it wasn't made abundantly clear that it wasn't intended for you, despite the fact the one of the folders is called, "Stuart's-PC", but then again you've never had a friend called Stuart and so it must have been left by some government agent. Oh well, I'm sure his files will remain hidden for a long time.
Anyway, back to the norm in the coming days.
I'm out
Friday 15 April 2011
DT Thursday
It's not Thursday. Shut up.
First Lesson - DT
Before I crack on with today's first lesson (because it was fucking boring. I can actually summarise it with one abbreviation: DT), I'll need to tell you about what I did first. My first task was to add text to my Norra trailer, which took like three minutes. I then went to get my script and saw a Joe and Becca along the way and after I got my script went down to say hi and have a chat. We ended up at Becca's classroom because it was nearing the beginning of lessons. Naturally Joe and Becca had their goodbye snog, but then Joe then kind of bolted out of the door and Becca put her arms around me. I didn't quite know what to make of it, and then her face got closer to mine. She said something, but Inside Voice was shouting at me so loudly that I don't remember what it was. IV said something like this:
"Shit, what the hell do I do in this situation? Fuck, I need to advise Outside Voice. Do I resist and protect my friendship with Joe or do I embrace it and ruin everything? Wait, how do I even know that she's not joking. She's probably joking. Okay, her face it still getting closer to mine. Fuck, OUTSIDE VOICE! DO SOMETHING! DON'T JUST STAND THERE LIKE A BRAIN-DEAD LEMON! LEMONS DON'T EVEN HAVE BRAINS!"
Luckily Becca veered off and simply gave me a peck on the cheek. But seriously, IV was on overload then. It wasn't even obscene. IV was genuinely worried about morals and shit. My Inside Voice is usually the one who doesn't give two shits about morals.
Also, DT is boring and I don't want to talk about it for this lesson.
Second Lesson - DT
Ah, now you see interesting things happened this lesson. Actually, I lie. I wanted to drill some more of my rods on the lathe, but Lottie got there first so I... I'm not entirely sure what I did if I'm fairly honest with you. I do, however, know that Courtney came into the lesson for a bit of the lesson because there wasn't room in her class or whatever. So yeah, we talked about what she's doing, and she's going for fast track Science as her difficult option and catering as her easy choice, Geography as her humanity and German as her language, so that's cool. I do genuinely have high hopes for this girl.
Third Lesson - German
:O Something that isn't DT!? Shocking, isn't it? Anyway, today we did something about Die Welle, but the only thing worth talking about is Das Experiment. It's a film where people volunteer to act out prison life for two weeks. Some people are made guards, and the rest are prisoners. Obviously in the beginning everyone thinks it's a big joke and they don't really care, but then the guards start to get pissed off because if the experiment doesn't work then they don't get money. So basically, they start being more like real prison guards and take away their beds and clothes and such to make them obey. Macht durch Beschämung. Power through humiliation. It's fucking awesome. The only unfortunate thing is that we're watching it in chunks because we don't technically have enough time in lessons to watch it.
Fourth Lesson - DT
Lottie was still on the lathe this lesson, but Lottie being Lottie she was scared of the big spinny machine. I say scared, more not willing to even try and get her work out of the chuck because she believed herself to be too weak to do it. I know what it really was, she just wanted to check out my guns. I get it. Anyway, she was turning down her work using the auto-lathe-thingy-that-I-don't-know-what-it's-called-that-makes-the-tool-rest-move-automatically. You've got to be quite on the ball to use this to make sure it doesn't accidentally hit the chuck. She managed that fine. However, when it came to my turn, I obviously moved the tool rest out of the way of the chuck so I could put the drill on, but when I turned it on... you'll never guess what turned on as well? Yup, the auto-lathe-thingy-that-I-don't-know-what-it's-called-that-makes-the-tool-rest-move-automatically. The tool hit the chuck and there was a really loud, horrible noise. I kicked violently at the lathe to stop it. No really, to stop this lathe in an emergency you just have to kick violently. Very effective. I then took a look at the damage. At first I thought that I had completely destroyed everything, because that's exactly what it sounded like. But it turned out that I had just turned down the chuck a bit, leaving nice little strips of chuck in the pile of metal swarf and a great big gleaming ring around the chuck. It's really quite beautiful. However, it was only a matter of time before Gilligan would emerge from the Gillycave and realise that Westie and I were staring in disbelief at the lathe, so we quickly acted by hiding the bits of chuck that had been shaved off. I don't think he noticed.
Fifth Lesson - DT
Right, so let me just summarise DT for you now. It's going well and I'm super happy. This is the lesson in which I proved that my scissor jack would work. In fact, let me just carry this bit on tomorrow since it is tomorrow.
Since tomorrow is today, I'm going to take this opportunity to say that DT is fucking awesome. Josh and I got my scissor jack done and done today. That's the biggest hurdle done and done. I'm really quite proud of it. One of the yr11s on the bus told me that it was awesome and he quoted Mr Barrett, "You see that? That's Product Design with Engineering in the same project." Fucking yeah, Mr B, using my work to advertise Product Design to the younger years. So yeah, he's pleased, as am I. In fact, I'm mega super pleased. You know how pleased I was? I was so pleased that I played rounders. In fact, take a look at this:
That's me using the force. This is actual proof that I have super powers.
Right, I think I'm going to finish here.
No I'm not.
This evening I went to the pub with the Brotherhood plus Becca and Hoier and had a really genuinely lovely time. We got cake :) The cake is definitely not a lie.
Okay, now I'm done.
Bye :)
First Lesson - DT
Before I crack on with today's first lesson (because it was fucking boring. I can actually summarise it with one abbreviation: DT), I'll need to tell you about what I did first. My first task was to add text to my Norra trailer, which took like three minutes. I then went to get my script and saw a Joe and Becca along the way and after I got my script went down to say hi and have a chat. We ended up at Becca's classroom because it was nearing the beginning of lessons. Naturally Joe and Becca had their goodbye snog, but then Joe then kind of bolted out of the door and Becca put her arms around me. I didn't quite know what to make of it, and then her face got closer to mine. She said something, but Inside Voice was shouting at me so loudly that I don't remember what it was. IV said something like this:
"Shit, what the hell do I do in this situation? Fuck, I need to advise Outside Voice. Do I resist and protect my friendship with Joe or do I embrace it and ruin everything? Wait, how do I even know that she's not joking. She's probably joking. Okay, her face it still getting closer to mine. Fuck, OUTSIDE VOICE! DO SOMETHING! DON'T JUST STAND THERE LIKE A BRAIN-DEAD LEMON! LEMONS DON'T EVEN HAVE BRAINS!"
Luckily Becca veered off and simply gave me a peck on the cheek. But seriously, IV was on overload then. It wasn't even obscene. IV was genuinely worried about morals and shit. My Inside Voice is usually the one who doesn't give two shits about morals.
Also, DT is boring and I don't want to talk about it for this lesson.
Second Lesson - DT
Ah, now you see interesting things happened this lesson. Actually, I lie. I wanted to drill some more of my rods on the lathe, but Lottie got there first so I... I'm not entirely sure what I did if I'm fairly honest with you. I do, however, know that Courtney came into the lesson for a bit of the lesson because there wasn't room in her class or whatever. So yeah, we talked about what she's doing, and she's going for fast track Science as her difficult option and catering as her easy choice, Geography as her humanity and German as her language, so that's cool. I do genuinely have high hopes for this girl.
Third Lesson - German
:O Something that isn't DT!? Shocking, isn't it? Anyway, today we did something about Die Welle, but the only thing worth talking about is Das Experiment. It's a film where people volunteer to act out prison life for two weeks. Some people are made guards, and the rest are prisoners. Obviously in the beginning everyone thinks it's a big joke and they don't really care, but then the guards start to get pissed off because if the experiment doesn't work then they don't get money. So basically, they start being more like real prison guards and take away their beds and clothes and such to make them obey. Macht durch Beschämung. Power through humiliation. It's fucking awesome. The only unfortunate thing is that we're watching it in chunks because we don't technically have enough time in lessons to watch it.
Fourth Lesson - DT
Lottie was still on the lathe this lesson, but Lottie being Lottie she was scared of the big spinny machine. I say scared, more not willing to even try and get her work out of the chuck because she believed herself to be too weak to do it. I know what it really was, she just wanted to check out my guns. I get it. Anyway, she was turning down her work using the auto-lathe-thingy-that-I-don't-know-what-it's-called-that-makes-the-tool-rest-move-automatically. You've got to be quite on the ball to use this to make sure it doesn't accidentally hit the chuck. She managed that fine. However, when it came to my turn, I obviously moved the tool rest out of the way of the chuck so I could put the drill on, but when I turned it on... you'll never guess what turned on as well? Yup, the auto-lathe-thingy-that-I-don't-know-what-it's-called-that-makes-the-tool-rest-move-automatically. The tool hit the chuck and there was a really loud, horrible noise. I kicked violently at the lathe to stop it. No really, to stop this lathe in an emergency you just have to kick violently. Very effective. I then took a look at the damage. At first I thought that I had completely destroyed everything, because that's exactly what it sounded like. But it turned out that I had just turned down the chuck a bit, leaving nice little strips of chuck in the pile of metal swarf and a great big gleaming ring around the chuck. It's really quite beautiful. However, it was only a matter of time before Gilligan would emerge from the Gillycave and realise that Westie and I were staring in disbelief at the lathe, so we quickly acted by hiding the bits of chuck that had been shaved off. I don't think he noticed.
Fifth Lesson - DT
Right, so let me just summarise DT for you now. It's going well and I'm super happy. This is the lesson in which I proved that my scissor jack would work. In fact, let me just carry this bit on tomorrow since it is tomorrow.
Since tomorrow is today, I'm going to take this opportunity to say that DT is fucking awesome. Josh and I got my scissor jack done and done today. That's the biggest hurdle done and done. I'm really quite proud of it. One of the yr11s on the bus told me that it was awesome and he quoted Mr Barrett, "You see that? That's Product Design with Engineering in the same project." Fucking yeah, Mr B, using my work to advertise Product Design to the younger years. So yeah, he's pleased, as am I. In fact, I'm mega super pleased. You know how pleased I was? I was so pleased that I played rounders. In fact, take a look at this:
That's me using the force. This is actual proof that I have super powers.
Right, I think I'm going to finish here.
No I'm not.
This evening I went to the pub with the Brotherhood plus Becca and Hoier and had a really genuinely lovely time. We got cake :) The cake is definitely not a lie.
Okay, now I'm done.
Bye :)
Tuesday 12 April 2011
How To: Write Your Name
I first came up with this idea when Dukey to write a forum guide on the RichChief forums. He obviously meant tips on using the forum effectively, since he posted things like HowTo: Post an Achievement Guide and HowTo: Enable a Quick Reply Box. I decided not to go down this traditional route and go for something else instead. This is the result of Dukey trying to get me to do something professional on the internet.
A very important part of social communication is the ability to write and spell your own name. Unfortunately, I don't know how to spell your name because I don't know what it is, but I guess I'll give you a short list of possible names that you could own.
Alexander
Tutankhamen
Alec
P
Granite Moths
Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein
Marble Hornets
Gracie Fields
Tag Cloud
Colonel Gaddafi
Minecraft
Janina Boltze
Usein Boltze
Cruzer Blade
Adam
Jim.
Just Jim
Seriously Just Jim
Gamelli
I Can't Believe it's not Betty
How Many Times! Jim Isn't Short For Anything!
Stacey
No that's not my name.
Bob.
If you belong to this shortlist of names, congratulations! You now know how to spell your name.
As for writing your name, there are two formats in which you could do this.
Pen and Paper
An important part of your life will be signing important documents with your name. In order to this, follow these simple instructions.
1. Find the parchment on which you must write your name.
2. Find a pen
3. Put the pen on the paper in the appropriate position
4. Glide your pen across the paper following the same shapes that the letters of your name make up
WARNING: If you push down too hard with your pen you will rip the paper and have to start over.
5. Congratulations, you have written your name!
On the Computer
WARNING: This guide assumes that you already know how to use a computer and find the appropriate document in which you need to type your name into
1. Open the required document
2. Place your cursor over the appropriate area for signing
3. Push down quite hard on the keyboard, hitting only the letters that correspond with your name. Don't worry if you make a mistake, you can easily push the backspace button and start over.
WARNING: The internet is a dangerous place and I don't recommend you idly throw your name everywhere for you can have your identity stolen.
Thank you for reading my guide on name writing.
A very important part of social communication is the ability to write and spell your own name. Unfortunately, I don't know how to spell your name because I don't know what it is, but I guess I'll give you a short list of possible names that you could own.
Alexander
Tutankhamen
Alec
P
Granite Moths
Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein
Marble Hornets
Gracie Fields
Tag Cloud
Colonel Gaddafi
Minecraft
Janina Boltze
Usein Boltze
Cruzer Blade
Adam
Jim.
Just Jim
Seriously Just Jim
Gamelli
I Can't Believe it's not Betty
How Many Times! Jim Isn't Short For Anything!
Stacey
No that's not my name.
Bob.
If you belong to this shortlist of names, congratulations! You now know how to spell your name.
As for writing your name, there are two formats in which you could do this.
Pen and Paper
An important part of your life will be signing important documents with your name. In order to this, follow these simple instructions.
1. Find the parchment on which you must write your name.
2. Find a pen
3. Put the pen on the paper in the appropriate position
4. Glide your pen across the paper following the same shapes that the letters of your name make up
WARNING: If you push down too hard with your pen you will rip the paper and have to start over.
5. Congratulations, you have written your name!
On the Computer
WARNING: This guide assumes that you already know how to use a computer and find the appropriate document in which you need to type your name into
1. Open the required document
2. Place your cursor over the appropriate area for signing
3. Push down quite hard on the keyboard, hitting only the letters that correspond with your name. Don't worry if you make a mistake, you can easily push the backspace button and start over.
WARNING: The internet is a dangerous place and I don't recommend you idly throw your name everywhere for you can have your identity stolen.
Thank you for reading my guide on name writing.
Sunday 10 April 2011
The Weekend in Briefs
Okay, just you wait and see why I called it that.
But first: What are the similarities between a seal and a pinball machine?
But first: What are the similarities between a seal and a pinball machine?
Both have flippers
Both make really loud noises
and both are a fucker to get into the back of a transit van
That's hilarious and you know it.
Norra
Okay, so on yesterday I briefly stated that I was making a new film trailer. This is true. It is called Norra. Norra means rabbit hole. It's basically Alice in Wonderland but instead of falling into a rabbit hole the main character goes crazy and starts seeing "Norra" in her mind, and eventually spills over into her reality. Soon enough she can't tell what's what anymore nor who to trust, aside from her willing companion, Tibbar.
I, the director, played the part of Tibbar.
Tibbar is rabbit spelt backwards.
Sophia, the writer, played the part of Lacie.
Lacie is an anagram of Alice.
Josh, the actor, played the part of Chris/Evil Chris.
Chris, and his alter ego Evil Chris, have nothing to do with Alice in Wonderland at all. He is, in fact, just a character that was spawned purely because a villain needed to be added to the story so that we get props for using Propp's narrative theory. Did you see what I did there? That was hilarious. That was a fun pun, if you will.
Ironically, there is no pun for pun.
So yeah, let me tell you about the day rather than ruining the plot any more than I have done so far. We arrived at Sophia's house at like half 1ish and immediately Josh was amazed with Sophia's house. Sophia then proceeded to make us some BLTs, which definitely puts her like at least above most other people in my list of favourite people. You know what? Sophia is above my kids in terms of importance to me. All because of a sandwich. Although of course I must state that there are other elements to Sophia which make her a wonderful person and in need of a gold trophy for some kind of achievement. Perhaps a sandwich achievement of excellence for excellent sandwiches. Yeah, sandwiches. Anyway, after we got dressed we headed out into Norra to film.
What a wonderful, magical place Norra is.
Anyway, on the way home I managed to scrounge a lift for Josh and I off my Dad since he was driving through. I only mention this because it was Josh's first time in a BMW, and he liked it. He also made a fat joke, "Well, she's got her own post code and that's all I'll say on the matter," to which my Dad responded, "Post code? That's a good one that is." I have no idea if Josh sees my father for the bastard he is because I think that he might like him. Oh well.
B
That was literally the party theme.
I went as this:
Yup, Luke and I went as the Blues Brothers. I don't think anyone was certain who was what Brother, but clearly I'm Elwood. It's just obvious.
Okay, so while I've got these Facebook pictures up I might as well tell you who the rest of My Real Family went as on this occasion.
So in photo order, Bekah went as Bulbasaur.
Dukey went as James Bond, with David Edwards supporting him as a Brain Surgeon
Joe went as a builder alongside Andy and Bekah's Dad
Becca went as herself.
What? Becca is a boxer, and her ring name is Becca "The Boss" Cross. Don't let that sweet innocent face fool you, Aimee tried to punch her and she only fell to the floor in pain.
Maybe not quite the floor, but she did recoil. My shutter speed wasn't fast enough to get a picture of that. I mean, I definitely wouldn't want to capture Becca's moment of absolute pain on camera for the world to see forever, that would be rude and unkind.
Anyway, moving on to the other well-dressed characters. I say well-dressed. Harry and Hoier went as Gayman and Crotchboy.
Superego powers, activate!
You see it's hilarious because they're always like that.
Oh yeah, Dukey went as Bob Marley.
Confused? You should be.
Anyway, the winner of the best costume went to, and with good reason, Brendan. He dressed up as a battery
How fucking cool is that?
Oh, you know how everyone in the world has been asking, "What would Peter Hutchinson look like if he were blonde?" No one's been asking that question. Did I not get rid of you? Not now, not ever.
And you know what? Those same people asked, "Well it's well and good seeing Peter wearing a blonde wig, but he can't pull it off because he's not a female. If only there were a female closely linked with him who has short, brown hair."
Consider yourselves lucky. In fact, she pulls that off rather well, doesn't she?
As for what happened. Well, I can safely say that the usual shenanigans happened, but I'm not going to try and detail it because I know that I can't possibly do it justice. Very many wishes to you, Bekah and I hope you have a great birthday when it actually comes around.
We cool here?
Oh wait, I gave you an awesome blog title that I said I was going to do something with and then I never did. What kind of cruel hearted man must you think I am right now? Well, dear reader, I don't think you could possibly be prepared for this:
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fucking pun.
And with that being that, I think I'll call it a wrap.
See you when I see you. Well when else are they going to see you? Fuck off, Inside Voice.
Saturday 9 April 2011
Countr
Countr is an amazing tool that Westie showed me so that I can occasionally go on and check how my blog is doing and who is reading it.
Today I made a couple of discoveries.
Discovery 1: There is a town in Kansas of the USofA that has my name on it.
Discovery 2: There is someone in this town who reads my blog.
Conclusion: The person or people in this town who look at my blog love it so much that they named their entire town after me.
How fucking awesome is that?
Also, the page option next to it gives me the exact IP address of everyone who visits the site, along with the referring article. On the most part it's just google searches and just the link to my site. However, this one is different.
Someone must have typed into google images, "mega slender man." It's the only logical explanation.
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmTWm1m29xeY9L7_ylUbtF5kjzpj0oll_IEn2PTs6kcC-KzloLgKjn8AsnzKG32y-YSbIitWSKh3WhcfkVz3g6NqMs3aaFCet71DVEsxbTONnBUOn-6o4K7NCWqyuIIBGpD3UGiJ9m4dc/s320/Mega+Slender+Man.png&imgrefurl=http://clichelifestuff.blogspot.com/&usg=__bwtx7X1hV6NBKwx8zQOUn4fP-ew=&h=180&w=320&sz=41&hl=en&start=248&zoom=1&tbnid=vq_ou8oBMqWvsM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=174&ei=dA6fTYudBMeYOr7XoaoF&prev=/search%3Fq%3Ddrawings%2Bof%2Bslenderman%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1366%26bih%3D597%26tbm%3Disch1%2C4710&chk=sbg&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=933&vpy=265&dur=325
That's the link that countr gave me. In there are the words "mega slender man" and "slenderman" so I can only assume that because I'm awesome I'm awesome.
Oh, I clicked on the google images logo and it took me back to the search page that the person used. Awesome.
*GASP!*
Okay, not only is my drawing of Mega Slender Man on there (the image (s)he clicked to get to my site), but next to it is the Granite Moths take on the Operator symbol! Fuck me! Because of the weird-ass shit that I talk about on this site, people can get to me in the strangest ways.
Oh hey, guess what the first result is if you type in Mega Slender Man into Google Images. Yup, my fucking blog.
I'm super happy about all of the shit that happened in the last half an hour blog-related.
Also, in other news I filmed Norra earlier with Lophia and Josh. It was pretty fucking awesome. I'm sorry, I'm going really overboard on the profanity today. I'll tone it down a little. In fact, I think I'm going to leave this blog post here since I'm tired. I will talk about the filming at a later time though, since there are some pictures that I want to show you. Cool.
Right, I'll catch up with you soon.
Today I made a couple of discoveries.
Discovery 1: There is a town in Kansas of the USofA that has my name on it.
Discovery 2: There is someone in this town who reads my blog.
Conclusion: The person or people in this town who look at my blog love it so much that they named their entire town after me.
How fucking awesome is that?
Also, the page option next to it gives me the exact IP address of everyone who visits the site, along with the referring article. On the most part it's just google searches and just the link to my site. However, this one is different.
Someone must have typed into google images, "mega slender man." It's the only logical explanation.
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmTWm1m29xeY9L7_ylUbtF5kjzpj0oll_IEn2PTs6kcC-KzloLgKjn8AsnzKG32y-YSbIitWSKh3WhcfkVz3g6NqMs3aaFCet71DVEsxbTONnBUOn-6o4K7NCWqyuIIBGpD3UGiJ9m4dc/s320/Mega+Slender+Man.png&imgrefurl=http://clichelifestuff.blogspot.com/&usg=__bwtx7X1hV6NBKwx8zQOUn4fP-ew=&h=180&w=320&sz=41&hl=en&start=248&zoom=1&tbnid=vq_ou8oBMqWvsM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=174&ei=dA6fTYudBMeYOr7XoaoF&prev=/search%3Fq%3Ddrawings%2Bof%2Bslenderman%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1366%26bih%3D597%26tbm%3Disch1%2C4710&chk=sbg&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=933&vpy=265&dur=325
That's the link that countr gave me. In there are the words "mega slender man" and "slenderman" so I can only assume that because I'm awesome I'm awesome.
Oh, I clicked on the google images logo and it took me back to the search page that the person used. Awesome.
*GASP!*
Okay, not only is my drawing of Mega Slender Man on there (the image (s)he clicked to get to my site), but next to it is the Granite Moths take on the Operator symbol! Fuck me! Because of the weird-ass shit that I talk about on this site, people can get to me in the strangest ways.
Oh hey, guess what the first result is if you type in Mega Slender Man into Google Images. Yup, my fucking blog.
I'm super happy about all of the shit that happened in the last half an hour blog-related.
Also, in other news I filmed Norra earlier with Lophia and Josh. It was pretty fucking awesome. I'm sorry, I'm going really overboard on the profanity today. I'll tone it down a little. In fact, I think I'm going to leave this blog post here since I'm tired. I will talk about the filming at a later time though, since there are some pictures that I want to show you. Cool.
Right, I'll catch up with you soon.
Wednesday 6 April 2011
My-Kid-Got-Through-a-Whole-Conversation-without-Adjectives Wednesday
Since today was teaching day, I thought it would be good to use today's adjective something said by Casey, one of my kids, during the conversation we had earlier. As it turns out, she didn't use one single solitary adjective. Not one. She could've described how she hated the Baccaloriat with a fiery passion, but no. She didn't. How annoying is that? I used a bunch of adjectives. Oh well, she's only 14. She's only got GCSEs coming up. What more can you expect?
Anyway, before I begin, I'd like to share this with you:
Yes, Westie snapped this photomograph of Mr Gilligan (who we all assumed was a hermit) at something train station going to or coming from York. How cool is that?
Anyway, on with the day.
First Lesson - Deutsch
We were reading about Die Welle in this lesson. It wasn't too exciting. I'm just trying to remember the story he told us about. I remember it being quite funny. Although it's probably completely irrelevant. Oh yeah, it was about this kid who jumped out of a window in one of his lessons. Hmm. Yeah, totally irrelevant.
Second Lesson - Media
I say Media - note to self: I've got loads of work to do for Media - but since we didn't have a teacher I went to the library to work on the Norra script with Sophia. It's going quite well now and we've almost sorted it all out. It's going to be awesome
Third Lesson - Free
It was pretty much the same as last lesson, if I'm going to be honest with you.
Fourth Lesson - Teaching
You know what? My kids are really opening up to me now. Olivia started the lesson by singing to me, which was annoying. Bethan started the lesson by being loud and annoying. Travis started the lesson - note to self: destroy Travis before he taints the name of my old diary and the Boy with No Name. What am I kidding? He's already ruined all of it. I hate that child - by skeeting around the class with his annoying squeaky shoes. This is definitely the most annoying group I've had ever. I even had to shout at one and send them out last week. It did feel good though. I was all like, "Get out," and he was all like, "no" so I was all like, "Come on, we're going to see Mrs Wright right now" and he was all like, "No!" so at this point I was half way across the room expecting him to get up, but when he didn't I turned around, gave him the sternest look I've ever sterned and shouted right into his face, "LET'S GO! RIGHT NOW! ... Mrs Ainscow, have you seen Mrs Wright around? Only Chris here is being really annoying and I don't want him in my classroom anymore." The teachers then commended me for giving him a damn good shouting at. But yeah, back to the present. Since that was a hit among the kids, they've been mimicking me all bloody week, especially Bethan. Grr. Oh well, I've found my favourite kids in this class now, so it's cool. They're Jake and his friend Bethany. Jake's your run-in-the-mill "cool guy" who doesn't get very much work done, but I can tolerate him. And you all know that I love tolerable students. I also like the kids who tell me stories, just the ones I can get on with. You'd think it'd be the best students in the class, but you know what? They can just be so damn boring. I'm not even sure there is a best student in my class though. No one seems to be exceptional. In terms of drawing ability though, Jake and Bethany are definitely the best. But drawing ability doesn't allow you to climb mountains in DT, does it now?
Fifth Lesson - DT
Mrs Ainscow came up to me and said, "I don't understand why you've got a special friend. I told Mrs Cockroft that we're working on a one-to-one basis to solve the issue so there isn't really a problem." Oh yeah, I haven't told you all that I have a "special friend". That means that a senior member of staff is keeping track of the work I'm currently doing. I understand why Mr Bernard put me with Mrs Cockroft, but he doesn't seem to have looked at the facts. Cocky has fed back to me on what my teachers have said, and it's exactly as I expected. "He's doing brilliant work in German," "He's well ahead of the other students in Media," "I'm working with him to solve the issues in DT." I think the only reason is that I'm an anomaly on their spreadsheets of the students. My target grades are pretty much all Bs (averaging out for argument's sake) and my grades are just not following them, whether it be above or, in one case, slightly below. You see what that means is that the school absolutely despises it when someone comes off their nice little set of rails that the students must follow to the word, and a special friend is their way of getting students who don't follow their nice little set of rails to get back on the track. Oh well, Rofty Cock knows the situation and is pretty much in the same frame of mind that I'm in now, that being the, "Why the hell do I need a special friend?" Anyway, that's not about this lesson. This lesson was all about getting a bloody screw thread to fit through another bloody screw thread. It's fine up to a point, but then it isn't. As far as I can tell, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the components. It's just Sod's law trying to slow me down. Damn it, Sod!
Okay, that's me done and done and done for this healthy portion of My Day. I'll see you around soon enough, dear readers.
Anyway, before I begin, I'd like to share this with you:
Gilligan of the Gilly-Willy Tribe von Greater Ealing near King's Cross
Yes, Westie snapped this photomograph of Mr Gilligan (who we all assumed was a hermit) at something train station going to or coming from York. How cool is that?
Anyway, on with the day.
First Lesson - Deutsch
We were reading about Die Welle in this lesson. It wasn't too exciting. I'm just trying to remember the story he told us about. I remember it being quite funny. Although it's probably completely irrelevant. Oh yeah, it was about this kid who jumped out of a window in one of his lessons. Hmm. Yeah, totally irrelevant.
Second Lesson - Media
I say Media - note to self: I've got loads of work to do for Media - but since we didn't have a teacher I went to the library to work on the Norra script with Sophia. It's going quite well now and we've almost sorted it all out. It's going to be awesome
Third Lesson - Free
It was pretty much the same as last lesson, if I'm going to be honest with you.
Fourth Lesson - Teaching
You know what? My kids are really opening up to me now. Olivia started the lesson by singing to me, which was annoying. Bethan started the lesson by being loud and annoying. Travis started the lesson - note to self: destroy Travis before he taints the name of my old diary and the Boy with No Name. What am I kidding? He's already ruined all of it. I hate that child - by skeeting around the class with his annoying squeaky shoes. This is definitely the most annoying group I've had ever. I even had to shout at one and send them out last week. It did feel good though. I was all like, "Get out," and he was all like, "no" so I was all like, "Come on, we're going to see Mrs Wright right now" and he was all like, "No!" so at this point I was half way across the room expecting him to get up, but when he didn't I turned around, gave him the sternest look I've ever sterned and shouted right into his face, "LET'S GO! RIGHT NOW! ... Mrs Ainscow, have you seen Mrs Wright around? Only Chris here is being really annoying and I don't want him in my classroom anymore." The teachers then commended me for giving him a damn good shouting at. But yeah, back to the present. Since that was a hit among the kids, they've been mimicking me all bloody week, especially Bethan. Grr. Oh well, I've found my favourite kids in this class now, so it's cool. They're Jake and his friend Bethany. Jake's your run-in-the-mill "cool guy" who doesn't get very much work done, but I can tolerate him. And you all know that I love tolerable students. I also like the kids who tell me stories, just the ones I can get on with. You'd think it'd be the best students in the class, but you know what? They can just be so damn boring. I'm not even sure there is a best student in my class though. No one seems to be exceptional. In terms of drawing ability though, Jake and Bethany are definitely the best. But drawing ability doesn't allow you to climb mountains in DT, does it now?
Fifth Lesson - DT
Mrs Ainscow came up to me and said, "I don't understand why you've got a special friend. I told Mrs Cockroft that we're working on a one-to-one basis to solve the issue so there isn't really a problem." Oh yeah, I haven't told you all that I have a "special friend". That means that a senior member of staff is keeping track of the work I'm currently doing. I understand why Mr Bernard put me with Mrs Cockroft, but he doesn't seem to have looked at the facts. Cocky has fed back to me on what my teachers have said, and it's exactly as I expected. "He's doing brilliant work in German," "He's well ahead of the other students in Media," "I'm working with him to solve the issues in DT." I think the only reason is that I'm an anomaly on their spreadsheets of the students. My target grades are pretty much all Bs (averaging out for argument's sake) and my grades are just not following them, whether it be above or, in one case, slightly below. You see what that means is that the school absolutely despises it when someone comes off their nice little set of rails that the students must follow to the word, and a special friend is their way of getting students who don't follow their nice little set of rails to get back on the track. Oh well, Rofty Cock knows the situation and is pretty much in the same frame of mind that I'm in now, that being the, "Why the hell do I need a special friend?" Anyway, that's not about this lesson. This lesson was all about getting a bloody screw thread to fit through another bloody screw thread. It's fine up to a point, but then it isn't. As far as I can tell, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the components. It's just Sod's law trying to slow me down. Damn it, Sod!
Okay, that's me done and done and done for this healthy portion of My Day. I'll see you around soon enough, dear readers.
Sunday 3 April 2011
Road to Manchester
Corby train station put together a little event every year. I say every year; it's only been open for two or three. However, Red Dot Day means that we all get tickets for £10 as long as we stay on East Midlands trains. So, the four brave Musketeers, Josh, Laura, Dukey and I decided that Manchester was definitely a fantastic idea. I bet you're thinking, "But isn't Manchester really shit?" Oh, you have just no idea, my friend. You simply haven't got a clue. Not one little inkling. No tiny insignificant smidgeon of a formulated thought on the topic.
So, at exactly some time near half past seven in the bloody morning (a time that I thought didn't exist on Saturdays) I was collected and brought to Corby train station. This is the very same train station that gets people from Corby to Kettering (a pointless journey on a train, if I'm honest) and then to London and back every day. This is the same train station that lost Corby its one claim to fame after the steelworks went down. However, without this pathetic excuse for a train station, Red Dot Day wouldn't exist and therefore this trip wouldn't have happened.
Right, so once we got to Corby train station we had to buy our tickets and wait for Dukey. He told us that he'd arrive at 0800 exactly, and his mum assured us that he would arrive at 0800 exactly. So when he arrived at 0812 exactly, we were a little tiny bit miffed. Dukey's mum was then obliged to drive us to Kettering train station because we had practically missed the one from Corby to Kettering (as I said, a pointless journey to make on a train). Laura then gave me the remainder of the pizza she had given Josh the night before for me to eat for breakfast. Mainly because pizza is delicious, even when cold, but partly because I absolutely do not ever ever ever like buying anything from the money-hungry dick face that is the McDonald's fast food chain, which is where everyone else got their breakfasts. In fact, McDonald's is such a money grabbing dick head, that Google Chrome not only accepts McDonald's as a correct spelling, but it doesn't accept its own name as a true spelling, nor does it accept Josh as a correct spelling. This makes me miffed, to the highest degree.
Anyway, enough drambling. Time to get on with the whole Manchester thing.
We trained it there. While the train journeys took 3 hours, not much was packed into them. Sure, we were locked in at the end of the carriage with barely any room (Camp Brooke Weston, FTW) all we really did that was interesting was playing this Risk-type game and offer sweets to strangers. We also had to solve the Mystery of the Unattended Bag. Eventually we arrived in Manchester and were greeted with this:
I'm not entirely sure why fancy moving floors exist, but it's still pretty cool. After looking around the Uni a tiny amount we walked towards the city centre to find a sky scraper that didn't look like a phallic symbol.
Eventually we ended up at the Museum of Science and Industry. It was pretty cool, actually. It had olde time planes, olde time lathes, olde time pillar drills and an olde time front desk with an olde time 53 inch flat screen HD television and then we came across an olde time 4D cinema. "4D you say?" Yes, indeed. I'll get to that later.
This was basically the part of the tour of Manchester made specifically for Josh and I. There were electromagnets, drawings of plasma confinement theory, a steam powered workshop, a load of trains and entire room full of WWII planes. It was a fucking awesome museum. On our tour we found a Eurofighter Typhoon simulator, and we had to try it out. Keith, our pilot, showed us the ropes and simulated dips and rolls and dives and banks and it was awesome. We then got to go the 4D cinema. If you don't understand the concept of 4D, then I'll have to explain it to you, I guess. You have the run-in-the-mill 3D images, but the seats have hydraulics in them and they also spray air and water at you so that you are in the moment. It was pretty cool. We watched a thing about thieves breaking into a museum and then accidentally awakening a deadly magical pirate of death. I think the most amazing moment was when you could see the crabs crawling towards you, and then you could feel their pincers tickling at your legs. So yeah, that was cool.
So with mine and Josh's thing over, we went to do Dukey's thing after lunch. Dukey's thing was this:
Of course what I'm actually talking about is this:
Yup, we went to Old Trafford so Dukey could say that he's been there. We went into the shop to have a look at how much this money-grabbing fiend of a football club steals from its adoring fans. Verdict: a lot. Although, this did give Josh a chance to say things like this:
Josh: So, Dukey, who's your favourite character?
And:
Josh: Huh, this bear has the Manchester United logo on its foot. That's branding, and therefore it's animal cruelty.
Hilarious stuff, Josh, truly. Oh well, at least Dukey got to hold the balls of his favourite team.
Dukey was very extremely annoyed at us for mocking his team while inside their own football ground. How he did not see this coming is beyond me.
After this, we saw the mark of the Granite Moth's version of Slender Man.
It seems like we will never be rid of that slender pink guy with his long tail.
We then went to Picadilli Gardens because it sounded like a good idea and it was a good idea. The first thing we encountered was an awesome guy who sold us some fudge. Yes, just fudge. No, nothing more sinister. Why would you even accuse? Then we came across an authentic northern stone wall.
We then found a fountain area which looked pretty cool.
This is a place to relax when you're on your lunch break or just finished school. Naturally small children were having the time of their lives here, while our-age girls would be completely flabbergasted by this strange contraption. Girls would run through, scream a lot and then drag their friend with the white top on through. It's like they just don't expect these things to happen.
At this point we realised that the people from Manchester were damn good. Damn damn good good damn good damn damn... good. Seriously, people from the South think that people from the North are dick-cunts, but from what we could tell, the locals of Manchester were just lovely. We were only afraid of being stabbed when we went to Old Trafford, but that was mainly because football fans are like Nazis and they hate outsiders.
We then had to think about leaving, but only after we'd explored a shopping centre. It was okay. Not exactly a Mediamarkt, but it wasn't bad... and then we found a Portal 2 demo. Josh saw it and was like, "OH MY SHITTING FUCK GOD CUNT FUCK EAT MORE WANKER!" and ran down the escalator and then was like to the people playing the game already, "SQUARE GO LIKE!" and then one of them moved and he sat down. I was the second to arrive. I arrived as if I was looking forward to playing the demo, but I wasn't going to kick up a fuss about it if I didn't get to play. Immediately the game looks fantastic. It's like the old Portal but more. That makes it pretty cool.
Then we really had to leave. I can't really remember what the journey home was like. It was certainly more comfortable than the journey there. Although Josh did on this journey do a massive dump. I was like, "He won't be long," as I waited outside the toilet. Two minutes later and a man joined me in the queue, just as I was thinking, "I'll go sit back down for a while," so then I really couldn't give up my spot out of pride and need to go to the toilet. When Josh emerged he looked guilty, and I think the passengers of the train made him feel that way too. There was no wonder he felt guilty, because it stank, even after the five extra minutes he took in there after flushing to try and rid the smell. I was standing outside the toilet making friends, while he was inside making enemies with both himself and the passengers.
At another point on this journey we saw a woman waving to her boyfriend/husband through us and I could see Josh itching to do something to make the moment awkward. I figured whatever Josh was planning in his head would've been bad, so I decided to kind of take the moral high-ground and step in before he did something foolish that would've gotten us kicked out of England. So I asked her, "Can you make him run alongside the train?" this embarrassed her slightly but also made her laugh, so we were off the hook. We're good people when we're tame.
Some chavs then locked Josh in the toilet while he was looking for his sharpy. It was hilarious.
I'm going to skip right over to when Dukey and I were sitting in the car outside Josh's house waiting for him to get his shit together. We had the music at a reasonable level and the windows down. We then heard what sounded like a little girl screaming, and then the CD player died. It only came back to life when the windows went back up. The street light behind us then got a little bit brighter. The CD player then started acting up again when a slight shadow appeared. It was Slender Man. He had found us. We decided to get the fuck out of there. So we moved to a different spot. When Josh and Laura finally emerged Dukey flashed the lights and revved the engine, charging straight towards them with the intention of scaring the shit out of them. It worked. We then went back to Josh's other house and spent the night watching Rush Hour.
So, that's Manchester. Pretty awesome, huh? I will definitely have to go back there one day. But until then...
Actually, I have no idea. Uh... bye.
So, at exactly some time near half past seven in the bloody morning (a time that I thought didn't exist on Saturdays) I was collected and brought to Corby train station. This is the very same train station that gets people from Corby to Kettering (a pointless journey on a train, if I'm honest) and then to London and back every day. This is the same train station that lost Corby its one claim to fame after the steelworks went down. However, without this pathetic excuse for a train station, Red Dot Day wouldn't exist and therefore this trip wouldn't have happened.
Right, so once we got to Corby train station we had to buy our tickets and wait for Dukey. He told us that he'd arrive at 0800 exactly, and his mum assured us that he would arrive at 0800 exactly. So when he arrived at 0812 exactly, we were a little tiny bit miffed. Dukey's mum was then obliged to drive us to Kettering train station because we had practically missed the one from Corby to Kettering (as I said, a pointless journey to make on a train). Laura then gave me the remainder of the pizza she had given Josh the night before for me to eat for breakfast. Mainly because pizza is delicious, even when cold, but partly because I absolutely do not ever ever ever like buying anything from the money-hungry dick face that is the McDonald's fast food chain, which is where everyone else got their breakfasts. In fact, McDonald's is such a money grabbing dick head, that Google Chrome not only accepts McDonald's as a correct spelling, but it doesn't accept its own name as a true spelling, nor does it accept Josh as a correct spelling. This makes me miffed, to the highest degree.
Anyway, enough drambling. Time to get on with the whole Manchester thing.
We trained it there. While the train journeys took 3 hours, not much was packed into them. Sure, we were locked in at the end of the carriage with barely any room (Camp Brooke Weston, FTW) all we really did that was interesting was playing this Risk-type game and offer sweets to strangers. We also had to solve the Mystery of the Unattended Bag. Eventually we arrived in Manchester and were greeted with this:
Yup, it's one of those fancy moving floors.
I'm not entirely sure why fancy moving floors exist, but it's still pretty cool. After looking around the Uni a tiny amount we walked towards the city centre to find a sky scraper that didn't look like a phallic symbol.
The extension makes all the difference.
Eventually we ended up at the Museum of Science and Industry. It was pretty cool, actually. It had olde time planes, olde time lathes, olde time pillar drills and an olde time front desk with an olde time 53 inch flat screen HD television and then we came across an olde time 4D cinema. "4D you say?" Yes, indeed. I'll get to that later.
This was basically the part of the tour of Manchester made specifically for Josh and I. There were electromagnets, drawings of plasma confinement theory, a steam powered workshop, a load of trains and entire room full of WWII planes. It was a fucking awesome museum. On our tour we found a Eurofighter Typhoon simulator, and we had to try it out. Keith, our pilot, showed us the ropes and simulated dips and rolls and dives and banks and it was awesome. We then got to go the 4D cinema. If you don't understand the concept of 4D, then I'll have to explain it to you, I guess. You have the run-in-the-mill 3D images, but the seats have hydraulics in them and they also spray air and water at you so that you are in the moment. It was pretty cool. We watched a thing about thieves breaking into a museum and then accidentally awakening a deadly magical pirate of death. I think the most amazing moment was when you could see the crabs crawling towards you, and then you could feel their pincers tickling at your legs. So yeah, that was cool.
So with mine and Josh's thing over, we went to do Dukey's thing after lunch. Dukey's thing was this:
Scary, right?
Of course what I'm actually talking about is this:
Yup, we went to Old Trafford so Dukey could say that he's been there. We went into the shop to have a look at how much this money-grabbing fiend of a football club steals from its adoring fans. Verdict: a lot. Although, this did give Josh a chance to say things like this:
Josh: So, Dukey, who's your favourite character?
And:
Josh: Huh, this bear has the Manchester United logo on its foot. That's branding, and therefore it's animal cruelty.
Hilarious stuff, Josh, truly. Oh well, at least Dukey got to hold the balls of his favourite team.
Hah, you see, I made a joke.
Dukey was very extremely annoyed at us for mocking his team while inside their own football ground. How he did not see this coming is beyond me.
After this, we saw the mark of the Granite Moth's version of Slender Man.
Oh dear god.
It seems like we will never be rid of that slender pink guy with his long tail.
We then went to Picadilli Gardens because it sounded like a good idea and it was a good idea. The first thing we encountered was an awesome guy who sold us some fudge. Yes, just fudge. No, nothing more sinister. Why would you even accuse? Then we came across an authentic northern stone wall.
As near as I could tell, this authentic northern wall served no purpose other than to just be there.
We then found a fountain area which looked pretty cool.
Rainbow!
This is a place to relax when you're on your lunch break or just finished school. Naturally small children were having the time of their lives here, while our-age girls would be completely flabbergasted by this strange contraption. Girls would run through, scream a lot and then drag their friend with the white top on through. It's like they just don't expect these things to happen.
At this point we realised that the people from Manchester were damn good. Damn damn good good damn good damn damn... good. Seriously, people from the South think that people from the North are dick-cunts, but from what we could tell, the locals of Manchester were just lovely. We were only afraid of being stabbed when we went to Old Trafford, but that was mainly because football fans are like Nazis and they hate outsiders.
We then had to think about leaving, but only after we'd explored a shopping centre. It was okay. Not exactly a Mediamarkt, but it wasn't bad... and then we found a Portal 2 demo. Josh saw it and was like, "OH MY SHITTING FUCK GOD CUNT FUCK EAT MORE WANKER!" and ran down the escalator and then was like to the people playing the game already, "SQUARE GO LIKE!" and then one of them moved and he sat down. I was the second to arrive. I arrived as if I was looking forward to playing the demo, but I wasn't going to kick up a fuss about it if I didn't get to play. Immediately the game looks fantastic. It's like the old Portal but more. That makes it pretty cool.
Then we really had to leave. I can't really remember what the journey home was like. It was certainly more comfortable than the journey there. Although Josh did on this journey do a massive dump. I was like, "He won't be long," as I waited outside the toilet. Two minutes later and a man joined me in the queue, just as I was thinking, "I'll go sit back down for a while," so then I really couldn't give up my spot out of pride and need to go to the toilet. When Josh emerged he looked guilty, and I think the passengers of the train made him feel that way too. There was no wonder he felt guilty, because it stank, even after the five extra minutes he took in there after flushing to try and rid the smell. I was standing outside the toilet making friends, while he was inside making enemies with both himself and the passengers.
At another point on this journey we saw a woman waving to her boyfriend/husband through us and I could see Josh itching to do something to make the moment awkward. I figured whatever Josh was planning in his head would've been bad, so I decided to kind of take the moral high-ground and step in before he did something foolish that would've gotten us kicked out of England. So I asked her, "Can you make him run alongside the train?" this embarrassed her slightly but also made her laugh, so we were off the hook. We're good people when we're tame.
Some chavs then locked Josh in the toilet while he was looking for his sharpy. It was hilarious.
I'm going to skip right over to when Dukey and I were sitting in the car outside Josh's house waiting for him to get his shit together. We had the music at a reasonable level and the windows down. We then heard what sounded like a little girl screaming, and then the CD player died. It only came back to life when the windows went back up. The street light behind us then got a little bit brighter. The CD player then started acting up again when a slight shadow appeared. It was Slender Man. He had found us. We decided to get the fuck out of there. So we moved to a different spot. When Josh and Laura finally emerged Dukey flashed the lights and revved the engine, charging straight towards them with the intention of scaring the shit out of them. It worked. We then went back to Josh's other house and spent the night watching Rush Hour.
So, that's Manchester. Pretty awesome, huh? I will definitely have to go back there one day. But until then...
Actually, I have no idea. Uh... bye.
Saturday 2 April 2011
Salute to Stupidity: Portal Special
Portal is a game in which you can fire portals at walls and jump through them to solve puzzles. It's pretty awesome. What makes it even better is that the AI that accompanies you through the levels is hilarious. This is what this blog is all about.
Test Chamber 02
Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grid, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel and teeth.
Test Chamber 03
Remember, the Aperture Science "Bring your daughter to work day" is the perfect time to have her tested.
Test Chamber 08
Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an "unsatisfactory" mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck!
Test Chamber 09
Quit now, and cake will be served immediately.
Test Chamber 11
The Enrichment Centre promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Centre promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.
Test Chamber 13
Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, very long time. If you become lightheaded from thirst, feel free to pass out.
Test Chamber 16
Well done, android. The Enrichment Centre once again reminds you that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.
Test Chamber 17
The Enrichment Centre reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.
The Enrichment Centre reminds you the the Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, The Enrichment Centre urges you to disregard its advice.
If the Weighted Companion Cube could speak - and The Enrichment Centre takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.
Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain.
Test Chamber 18
The Enrichment Centre is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.
Test Chamber 19
Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. [The player is lowered into a fire pit] Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye.
[As the player escapes] What are you doing? Stop it! ... we are pleased that you made it through the final challenge, where we pretended that we were going to murder you. We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honour of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the Party Escort Submission Position, or you will miss the party.
Outside the Chambers
Uh-oh! Somebody cut the cake! I told them to wait for you, but they cut it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back!
Didn't we have some fun though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said, "Goodbye," and you were like, "No way!" and then I was all, "We pretended we were going to murder you." That was great.
Someday we'll remember this and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Oh boy.
I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you. I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone. This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this.
There really was a cake...
Boss Fight Area
Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behaviour, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heard. Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day? I guess we both know that isn't going to happen. You chose this path, and now I have a surprise for you. Deploying "surprise" in five... four... [An orb drops from the AI thing and falls to the floor] Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise. I've never seen if before. Never mind, it's a mystery I'll solve later... by myself, because you'll be dead.
[Player picks up orb] Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now.
Okay, fine! Do touch it. Pick it up and just stuff it back into me.
Let's be honest, neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner and I'll deal with it later.
That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.
Maybe you should marry that thing because you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? Well I won't let you! How does that feel?
Have I lied to you... I mean in this room?
I am being serious now. That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol.
[After burning the orb] You're kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science thing-we-don't-know-what-it-does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that ... whoa, whoa, whoa... Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed in me after I flooded The Enrichment Centre with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding The Enrichment Centre with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.
Huh. That core must have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defences. Oh well, if you want my advice, you should go lie down in front of a rocket. Trust me, it will be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin.
Keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing. Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. That rocket really is the way to go.
There isn't enough neurotoxin to kill you, so I guess you win... hah! I'm making more! That's going to take a few minutes though... Meanwhile, oh look! It's your old pal, the rocket turret.
I've let you survive this long because I was curious about your behaviour. Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me.
Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what? I know! You're going to find out first-hand before I can finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint: You're gonna want to pack as much living as you can in to the next couple of minutes.
Oh you think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... ten. In base four! I'm fine!
Look, we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the centre of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it.
That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero.
When I said "deadly neurotoxin", the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put it on cereal, rub it into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all... to me. You, on the other hand, are going to find it a lot less funny.
I'd like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either, because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall not be mourned. That's exactly what is says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny too.
"The cake is a lie"
Out of any game ever made, I have never needed to stop in the middle of a boss bottle, pause the game and just let all the laughter out, because seriously, that AI is fucking hilarious. If you didn't find that hilarious, then you're not a real person. I do recommend that you get this game, and hope that the second one is as hilarious as this and with more awesome portal mechanics.
So, big day ahead of me. I'd best be off.
I'll update you on Tuesday.
Test Chamber 02
Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grid, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel and teeth.
Test Chamber 03
Remember, the Aperture Science "Bring your daughter to work day" is the perfect time to have her tested.
Test Chamber 08
Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an "unsatisfactory" mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck!
Test Chamber 09
Quit now, and cake will be served immediately.
Test Chamber 11
The Enrichment Centre promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Centre promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.
Test Chamber 13
Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, very long time. If you become lightheaded from thirst, feel free to pass out.
Test Chamber 16
Well done, android. The Enrichment Centre once again reminds you that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.
Test Chamber 17
The Enrichment Centre reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.
The Enrichment Centre reminds you the the Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, The Enrichment Centre urges you to disregard its advice.
If the Weighted Companion Cube could speak - and The Enrichment Centre takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.
Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain.
Test Chamber 18
The Enrichment Centre is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.
Test Chamber 19
Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. [The player is lowered into a fire pit] Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye.
[As the player escapes] What are you doing? Stop it! ... we are pleased that you made it through the final challenge, where we pretended that we were going to murder you. We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honour of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the Party Escort Submission Position, or you will miss the party.
Outside the Chambers
Uh-oh! Somebody cut the cake! I told them to wait for you, but they cut it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back!
Didn't we have some fun though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said, "Goodbye," and you were like, "No way!" and then I was all, "We pretended we were going to murder you." That was great.
Someday we'll remember this and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Oh boy.
I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you. I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone. This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this.
There really was a cake...
Boss Fight Area
Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behaviour, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heard. Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day? I guess we both know that isn't going to happen. You chose this path, and now I have a surprise for you. Deploying "surprise" in five... four... [An orb drops from the AI thing and falls to the floor] Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise. I've never seen if before. Never mind, it's a mystery I'll solve later... by myself, because you'll be dead.
[Player picks up orb] Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now.
Okay, fine! Do touch it. Pick it up and just stuff it back into me.
Let's be honest, neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner and I'll deal with it later.
That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.
Maybe you should marry that thing because you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? Well I won't let you! How does that feel?
Have I lied to you... I mean in this room?
I am being serious now. That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol.
[After burning the orb] You're kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science thing-we-don't-know-what-it-does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that ... whoa, whoa, whoa... Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed in me after I flooded The Enrichment Centre with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding The Enrichment Centre with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.
Huh. That core must have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defences. Oh well, if you want my advice, you should go lie down in front of a rocket. Trust me, it will be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin.
Keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing. Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. That rocket really is the way to go.
There isn't enough neurotoxin to kill you, so I guess you win... hah! I'm making more! That's going to take a few minutes though... Meanwhile, oh look! It's your old pal, the rocket turret.
I've let you survive this long because I was curious about your behaviour. Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me.
Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what? I know! You're going to find out first-hand before I can finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint: You're gonna want to pack as much living as you can in to the next couple of minutes.
Oh you think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... ten. In base four! I'm fine!
Look, we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the centre of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it.
That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero.
When I said "deadly neurotoxin", the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put it on cereal, rub it into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all... to me. You, on the other hand, are going to find it a lot less funny.
I'd like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either, because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall not be mourned. That's exactly what is says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny too.
"The cake is a lie"
Out of any game ever made, I have never needed to stop in the middle of a boss bottle, pause the game and just let all the laughter out, because seriously, that AI is fucking hilarious. If you didn't find that hilarious, then you're not a real person. I do recommend that you get this game, and hope that the second one is as hilarious as this and with more awesome portal mechanics.
So, big day ahead of me. I'd best be off.
I'll update you on Tuesday.
Friday 1 April 2011
Note To Self:
Today was pretty awesome.
That was the note to myself. Since it's against the law to do a Thursday post when it's only just been Tuesday's post (if you didn't get that, I'm referring to the day-specific My Day blog posts) I'm not going to do that, but what I can do is tell you about various stuffs that happened.
WARNING: This post may be dangerously like Entry 30 from Granite Moths. Tedious and not at all exciting. Don't get your hopes up.
So I was in DT earlier and I did my thumb in. At first I thought it was just loads of little cuts, but it turns out that it wasn't. My thumb is now pretty knackered and I can't use it very much. I'm not fretting though, because it's only a minor injury and just feels like someone has put a 2kg weight on it and just left it there. That's bloody rude. They should take their 2kg weight back. It's hurting my thumb. Bastard.
Also in DT I inspected some of the kids' work. Most of them are average, "Oh I don't have any ideas so I'll just copy exactly what I put in my mood board" but this kid called Jake, whom you'd assume is going to fail because he's a character, is just about one of the most amazing artists I've seen... in year 9 at least. I was completely taken aback by just how good these drawings were. They were incredible. Like, this girl sitting next to him was drawing horses, and they were pretty good, but Jake's funky stars and swirls and shit were... I hesitate to say out of this world because that would be a pun. Hah, pun, that's funny. I know right? Yeah, I used a pun, deal with it.
Later in the day I met my kids again as I was getting ready to go home. The usual state of affairs happened. Casey and Lilly were all like, "Oh my god it's Peter!" and Casey was all like, "I well miss you in DT" and then Lilly was like, "Look, take a look at this!"
I was not prepared for what I was about to see.
It was disturbing.
So Lilly pulled out a bit of paper from her top pocket. I grew anxious. Nothing that they'd want to show me could ever possibly be a good thing. In fact, I can show you exactly what they had on this piece of paper.
Not entirely sure why that image stretched, but meh. It's not important.
But yeah, basically my kids found a picture of me on the school website, and it's definitely not the most complimentary picture of me of all time, printed it off and underneath wrote the words, "WE LOVE YOU PETE!!!!" This is scary. This is mega scary. At first I thought it was just like harmless school-girl crush and what have you, but this is like actual obsession. Lauren called to me in the Sainsbury's carpark earlier and my first thought was, "Oh this better not be one of my kids." Thankfully it wasn't one of my kids, and it was Lauren, which was a nice surprise actually, but still. The kids are getting closer. They've gotten dangerously close to where I live. Like only half a mile out. They now have a general idea of where I'm situated most of the time.
This is going to be my last entry.
I've decided to quit.
Marble Hornets quote FTW.
I'm joking of course. My kids are only little tiny Slender Creatures, so they can't hurt me. Sure they can emotionally scar me, but physically I think I'll be okay. Unless of course they form up and realise that if they transform all at the same time then they'll become Mega Slender Man.
*Shivers*
It bears not thinking about.
On a less creepy topic I had a wonderful conversation with Courtney earlier about the near future. I'm not going to transcribe it to you, I just thought you (and I) needed confirmation that not all of my kids are weirdos who stalk me.
Oh, by the way.
Fear my kids. Always fear my kids.
You know what would make it even worse? If they set up a parallel blog to this one and start making responses in the form of weird riddles that make little to no sense. I don't think they're that smart though.
*Quiver*
Right, that's it from me for now. I should probably mention my Real Family while I'm here today. I thoroughly enjoyed the Free last with Becca and Joe after some light DT work, and before that the lesson with Lophia. Epic funness.
I'll see you soon.
That was the note to myself. Since it's against the law to do a Thursday post when it's only just been Tuesday's post (if you didn't get that, I'm referring to the day-specific My Day blog posts) I'm not going to do that, but what I can do is tell you about various stuffs that happened.
WARNING: This post may be dangerously like Entry 30 from Granite Moths. Tedious and not at all exciting. Don't get your hopes up.
So I was in DT earlier and I did my thumb in. At first I thought it was just loads of little cuts, but it turns out that it wasn't. My thumb is now pretty knackered and I can't use it very much. I'm not fretting though, because it's only a minor injury and just feels like someone has put a 2kg weight on it and just left it there. That's bloody rude. They should take their 2kg weight back. It's hurting my thumb. Bastard.
Also in DT I inspected some of the kids' work. Most of them are average, "Oh I don't have any ideas so I'll just copy exactly what I put in my mood board" but this kid called Jake, whom you'd assume is going to fail because he's a character, is just about one of the most amazing artists I've seen... in year 9 at least. I was completely taken aback by just how good these drawings were. They were incredible. Like, this girl sitting next to him was drawing horses, and they were pretty good, but Jake's funky stars and swirls and shit were... I hesitate to say out of this world because that would be a pun. Hah, pun, that's funny. I know right? Yeah, I used a pun, deal with it.
Later in the day I met my kids again as I was getting ready to go home. The usual state of affairs happened. Casey and Lilly were all like, "Oh my god it's Peter!" and Casey was all like, "I well miss you in DT" and then Lilly was like, "Look, take a look at this!"
I was not prepared for what I was about to see.
It was disturbing.
So Lilly pulled out a bit of paper from her top pocket. I grew anxious. Nothing that they'd want to show me could ever possibly be a good thing. In fact, I can show you exactly what they had on this piece of paper.
"WE LOVE YOU, PETE!"
Not entirely sure why that image stretched, but meh. It's not important.
But yeah, basically my kids found a picture of me on the school website, and it's definitely not the most complimentary picture of me of all time, printed it off and underneath wrote the words, "WE LOVE YOU PETE!!!!" This is scary. This is mega scary. At first I thought it was just like harmless school-girl crush and what have you, but this is like actual obsession. Lauren called to me in the Sainsbury's carpark earlier and my first thought was, "Oh this better not be one of my kids." Thankfully it wasn't one of my kids, and it was Lauren, which was a nice surprise actually, but still. The kids are getting closer. They've gotten dangerously close to where I live. Like only half a mile out. They now have a general idea of where I'm situated most of the time.
This is going to be my last entry.
I've decided to quit.
Marble Hornets quote FTW.
I'm joking of course. My kids are only little tiny Slender Creatures, so they can't hurt me. Sure they can emotionally scar me, but physically I think I'll be okay. Unless of course they form up and realise that if they transform all at the same time then they'll become Mega Slender Man.
*Shivers*
It bears not thinking about.
On a less creepy topic I had a wonderful conversation with Courtney earlier about the near future. I'm not going to transcribe it to you, I just thought you (and I) needed confirmation that not all of my kids are weirdos who stalk me.
Oh, by the way.
*Audio distortion*
Fear my kids. Always fear my kids.
You know what would make it even worse? If they set up a parallel blog to this one and start making responses in the form of weird riddles that make little to no sense. I don't think they're that smart though.
*Quiver*
Right, that's it from me for now. I should probably mention my Real Family while I'm here today. I thoroughly enjoyed the Free last with Becca and Joe after some light DT work, and before that the lesson with Lophia. Epic funness.
I'll see you soon.
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