Portal is a game in which you can fire portals at walls and jump through them to solve puzzles. It's pretty awesome. What makes it even better is that the AI that accompanies you through the levels is hilarious. This is what this blog is all about.
Test Chamber 02
Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grid, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel and teeth.
Test Chamber 03
Remember, the Aperture Science "Bring your daughter to work day" is the perfect time to have her tested.
Test Chamber 08
Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an "unsatisfactory" mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck!
Test Chamber 09
Quit now, and cake will be served immediately.
Test Chamber 11
The Enrichment Centre promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Centre promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.
Test Chamber 13
Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, very long time. If you become lightheaded from thirst, feel free to pass out.
Test Chamber 16
Well done, android. The Enrichment Centre once again reminds you that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.
Test Chamber 17
The Enrichment Centre reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.
The Enrichment Centre reminds you the the Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, The Enrichment Centre urges you to disregard its advice.
If the Weighted Companion Cube could speak - and The Enrichment Centre takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.
Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain.
Test Chamber 18
The Enrichment Centre is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.
Test Chamber 19
Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. [The player is lowered into a fire pit] Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye.
[As the player escapes] What are you doing? Stop it! ... we are pleased that you made it through the final challenge, where we pretended that we were going to murder you. We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honour of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the Party Escort Submission Position, or you will miss the party.
Outside the Chambers
Uh-oh! Somebody cut the cake! I told them to wait for you, but they cut it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back!
Didn't we have some fun though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said, "Goodbye," and you were like, "No way!" and then I was all, "We pretended we were going to murder you." That was great.
Someday we'll remember this and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Oh boy.
I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you. I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone. This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this.
There really was a cake...
Boss Fight Area
Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behaviour, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heard. Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day? I guess we both know that isn't going to happen. You chose this path, and now I have a surprise for you. Deploying "surprise" in five... four... [An orb drops from the AI thing and falls to the floor] Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise. I've never seen if before. Never mind, it's a mystery I'll solve later... by myself, because you'll be dead.
[Player picks up orb] Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now.
Okay, fine! Do touch it. Pick it up and just stuff it back into me.
Let's be honest, neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner and I'll deal with it later.
That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.
Maybe you should marry that thing because you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? Well I won't let you! How does that feel?
Have I lied to you... I mean in this room?
I am being serious now. That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol.
[After burning the orb] You're kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science thing-we-don't-know-what-it-does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that ... whoa, whoa, whoa... Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed in me after I flooded The Enrichment Centre with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding The Enrichment Centre with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.
Huh. That core must have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defences. Oh well, if you want my advice, you should go lie down in front of a rocket. Trust me, it will be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin.
Keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing. Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. That rocket really is the way to go.
There isn't enough neurotoxin to kill you, so I guess you win... hah! I'm making more! That's going to take a few minutes though... Meanwhile, oh look! It's your old pal, the rocket turret.
I've let you survive this long because I was curious about your behaviour. Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me.
Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what? I know! You're going to find out first-hand before I can finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint: You're gonna want to pack as much living as you can in to the next couple of minutes.
Oh you think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... ten. In base four! I'm fine!
Look, we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the centre of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it.
That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero.
When I said "deadly neurotoxin", the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put it on cereal, rub it into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all... to me. You, on the other hand, are going to find it a lot less funny.
I'd like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either, because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall not be mourned. That's exactly what is says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny too.
"The cake is a lie"
Out of any game ever made, I have never needed to stop in the middle of a boss bottle, pause the game and just let all the laughter out, because seriously, that AI is fucking hilarious. If you didn't find that hilarious, then you're not a real person. I do recommend that you get this game, and hope that the second one is as hilarious as this and with more awesome portal mechanics.
So, big day ahead of me. I'd best be off.
I'll update you on Tuesday.
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