Salute to Stupidity 4

Duke: So do they use kids or do they just use midgets?

Me: No, I'm pretty sure they just use people. 

Duke: I'm uh... *giggle*

Me: Yes, I'm fully aware of what I just said. 

Me: Cassieeee... can you kill Dukey? 

Cassie: You know what your punishment to him can be? You can hit him over the head with a plank of wood.

Me: You're a genius! 

Cassie: No wait,  plank of wood with a nail through it!

Duke: Don't give him ideas!

Me: Okay, you don't have to kill him, but you can kill him a little bit. 

Cassie: What, like use a little nail? 

Me: Exactly. He'll still be able to enjoy the Moulin Rouge, but he'll be dead. 

I swear half the girls Dukey is friends with are only friends with him because they think that he's either gay or because he has an uncomfortable love of the Moulin Rouge.

Heather: That's the best thing since sliced bread. 

Leach: Ah, but what was the best thing before sliced bread? 

Heather: Socks. 

Becca: So... it's shooting out hyper cats?" I would give the context for this, but I can't for the life of me remember or understand what on Earth her and Joe were talking about. Something about platypuses that live in your eye. 

Me: So if you run out of [insert eye-related chemical here], then you go blind?"
Becca: No, you just can't see in the light.
Me: Isn't that called blindness?

These are just pictures that were sent to me via the intertwining network facility highway and I found them amusing enough to post here. Don't say that I don't treat you.

That's all for now. 

Lauren is Now 18 Wednesday

It fits, roll with it.

I woke today in my usual manner. My phone started buzzing to tell me that it was 0700 and that I should get up. I was about to turn my alarm when suddenly "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP" I thought my phone was about to blow up and kill me. I dropped it and ran to a safe distance. Okay, I was in my bed at the time and safe distance meant literally dropping it and being a little freaked out since I couldn't move and couldn't be bothered to try. Anyway, after concluding that my phone wasn't about to explode in my face, I picked it up and saw that it was just telling me that Lauren's birthday is today. It gave me the option to phone or text her, so I went with the kind, less "I'M RINGING YOU AND IT'S REALLY LOUD AND NOW YOU'RE AWAKE AAHAHAHAAHA" method of texting, because I'm nice and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have appreciated a phone call at 0700. Now I came across a dilemma. On my birthday, Lauren sent me a text shout, where she shouted the birthday song at me with words. Uh... everyone uses words, idiot. So I then had to come up with something equally as entertaining and imaginative. I thought for several seconds before I came up with this:

"My phone just beeped at me to tell me that something very special is happening to you today. Yes, you've won out top prize! You're officially 18! Happy birthday, dear, and make sure you have a good one xx"

You're right, I would have done a much better job of that if I hadn't been constrained by the limits of the text messaging service, but with what I had I think that's not half bad. She thanked me for it later on, but I do hope she really appreciated the thought that went into it.

Anyway, it's Wednesday and that means scheduled blog post day, so here it is in all its glory.

First Lesson - Deutsch
Ah, German, what a wonderful lesson. We talked more about what questions the examiner would be asking us about Die Welle in our exam which is in like 5 weeks. That's a very short space of time and I'm not looking forward to it. Anyway, did anything amusing happen? Hmm... not that I remember to be honest, although I did find this:

To infinitive, and beyond!

This is pure humour. It's the best kind of humour, light hearted. It tickles your funny bone, as it were.

Second Lesson - Media
I say Media, but I walked in, got told what to do (research media theorists, which is damn hard because Wikipedia gives an account of their life and their works, but not what the theory that made them famous actually is) and then I went to the library. When in there I found a Dallamore, a Luke and a Sophia, so I decided to hang out with them for a while... and when I say a while I mean the whole lesson. Since there were no free computers available next to them, I ended up not doing any work either. That's the story of this lesson.

Third Lesson - Free
After wasting a lesson doing nothing, I found myself with my Luke, my Dallamore and my Sophia back in the library. Turns out that I don't really have that much work to do, so aside from talking to these three wonderful people I did some Zero-G too. Dallamore got himself a poking stick too, which he used to poke people with. Clue is in the name, really.

Fourth Lesson - My Kids
It seems a while since I did a post with my kids in it, although it is the second Wednesday of term so it's not really that long. Anyway, what happened this lesson was that Casey was pretty much annoying me all lesson. She has a way of making it seem less annoying though, which is odd. It's probably because she's actually doing her work while annoying me, rather than stopping like the other kids do. Damn those kids are annoying. In fact, come to think of it, she was rather odd this lesson. She had a heated bean bag on her stomach which apparently helping with the stomach pain she was having, and it smelled awful. Like a... I don't think any simile is appropriate here. But yeah, she didn't ask me questions about my fake girlfriend (who I've now decided to get rid of because I can't be bothered with it anymore. This means creating an elaborate breakup, and then I can get back to telling the truth) and she also fetched stuff for me from the Gilly Cave like an alan key. She didn't even know what an alan key was before today. I also showed her how to replace a Hegner blade (hence the alan key). Aside from that I heard an odd story from Tetley which I joined at the point of, "Yeah, so we were just joking at first and then it kind of happened from there. Oh no wait, I didn't mean it like that, Peter. I was talking about how I spent the night with Mr Willimott. No, actually, I was talking about how me and Harriet got together." I didn't put breaks in the phrase there because I only interrupted him with the faces you made when you just read that. Exactly. That pretty much sums up today's teaching.

Fifth Lesson - DT
So staying the DT department I got a speech today from my fellow "DTers" (word courtesy of Lottie) about how my project won't work and is shit and the only reason I'm not saying that it won't work myself is because I'm in a battle against miss Ainscow. You know what? I was listening to Emily and Lottie go on about how they hate Lauren (not as in my Lauren, but as in DT Lauren) because she totally bums Miss Ainscow. I now agree with them because they apparently actually talk about my work behind my back. I swear to actual Christ that if Miss Ainscow puts one more toe out of line then I shall destroy her. She's meant to be support, not hinderence. What's the fucking point in her being there if she's just going to tell other students that my project won't work, and not bother sharing the information with me? Seriously? If my product works, then that will prove that I was right all along and she can stick it up her flaming arsehole, and if it doesn't work then I'll jam it down her throat. I now know who to blame.

I've just had the worst epiphany of all time. If I don't get a B in DT, then my future rest on German, which I'm probably not going to get more than a C in. How can I suck this bad? When I did my Uni choices, my offers were all around 300 points and Josh was like, "Is that it? That's easier to get than an Essex girl." So why the fuck am I going to struggle to get it? I consider myself quite clever, if I'm honest with you, so why on Earth is this a challenge? I know DT inside and out, Media theories are spewing out of all of my orifices and ... I'm not that good at German, but I do know the grammar better than almost anyone. How can I sit through exams, eject all of this information onto the page and still get worse than good results? I think I need to come to the realisation that I'm actually an idiot and need to buck up my ideas and turn back time so that I take BTECs instead. Oh no wait, I tried eBusiness, but I failed at it because I suck. I just wish DMU would've given me an unconditional offer based on the fact that my Media coursework is the best thing they'll see in their lifetimes and not care that I'm taking other superfluous subjects that do nothing more for me than make me look at my bed posts and think, "okay so they're made from steel coated with a heavy layer of silver paint so that it doesn't rust. The tubes were all extruded and then joined using the welding process," and "ich kann Deutsch sprechen." Why was even kidding myself with this whole "I'm going be a director" thing? Why am I even kidding myself about this whole De Montford thing? No matter how hard I work, the end result will be the same: I suck.

6 Word Memoirs

We had an assembly about  6 word stories today, and one section was about six word memoirs, meaning that one would have to describe their entire life in six words. The first example we I got I think was, "For sale: Baby shoes, never worn." I have a feeling I've gotten that wrong, but that's the sort of angle we're going for. So, after assembly I was with Dallamore, Luke and Sophia and we were naturally talking about what our memoirs would be. I said that I had absolutely no idea what mine would be, so I got a couple of suggestions.

Luke said, "Button fly broken, wears large belt," because the button fly is indeed broken on my trousers and I'm wearing a large belt to cover it. So that's appropriate.

Dallamore's was fantastic though. He said, "Unsung Hero. Wears really nice shirt." Damn right. You know yesterday I saved 3000 children from a tornado on the island of Kariachistan off the coast of Madagascar? Exactly, none of you know about it.

I then said this, "Zero to hero in six words." I think that's perfect if I'm quite honest with you. I don't know if it's as good as Dallamore's, but it's pretty good if I say so myself.

Anyway, because I'm now finished with my 6 word memoirs, I think it's time to move on to Kariachistan. As I said, it's off the coast of Madagascar and had a population of about 10,000. That number is now 4000. It's all because of their strange habits. Basically, yesterday there was a huge tornado that threatened to kill everyone. So what I did is I flew by the island and managed to save about 1000 of the adults. I then suddenly wondered why the hell there were no kids. After another few seconds I found out. The parents were throwing their kids of the cliff in order to protect them from the tornado. Luckily, there's a system of caves that runs through Kariachistan that they use as protection from the natural disasters that happen every now and then. Now, this whole throwing your kids off thing is fine if you have one child, because they can just swim into the caves and get treated down there. However, because of the way of the people of Kariachistan, all the children are tied together if you have more than child, which makes it impossible to swim. Not to mention that they were drowning from the raging torrents caused by the tornado. I had to save them. I did manage to get them all into the caves. But the 6000 adults still on the surface perished because they all had makeshift flying machines that all failed and crashed into the forests of Madagascar, and they were most certainly eaten alive by the thousands of undiscovered species there.

And that's the story of Kariachistan. It's totally true, you know.

Anyway, what else was I going to say?

Oh yeah, one of my new Google keywords is "three tits pictures." What kind of sick person googles this? And why the hell did they think, "Ooh, Cliché Life Stuff, that sounds hot." Whoever you are, you sick freak, you stay away from my site. Although it must be said, "Three tits? Awesome." You know what? I've changed my mind. You weirdos are getting me more hits, so pile in. Three at a time.

That's me done for the day, see you tomorrow.

Salute to Stupidity 3

"Hold on, so you're going to avoid pain to your balls by implanting a chip into your ball sac?" Joe Hadden on sac implants


"I'll give you... the antidote." Peter Duke on you probably had to be there.


"I've got a hairrection. I get such a massive hairrection when I walk." Becca on yes, Joe, that's exactly what Becca and I talk about when you're not there. 


"Hah! You've got a tierection!" Becca on pretty much a follow-on from the hairrection gag. If I had a picture I'd show you, but I'm pretty sure you can picture what a tierection looks like. 


"Hehe, I can write 'I am Robert Mugabe' on the calculator." Peter H on I really can write that on a calculator. It's an amazing skill. 


"Argh, every time I hear it ring I go over and then it moves!" Peter Duke on he was looking for his phone, bless him.
"*Laughs uncontrollably* it was on his chair!" Joshua Hilton on Dukey found his phone.

Click to make big. 

Peter Duke says:
ahh
i'd be up for that
oh dude
women fucking drivers
Peter Hutch says:
Dude
I'm in.
Peter Duke says:
i was on my way home earlier
hah
Peter Hutch says:
Where do I get my license?
Peter Duke says:
funny
btw
i was on my way home
and this stupid bitch indicated left
and what did she do?
Peter Hutch says:
she turned right?
Peter Duke says:
she actually went fucking left
Peter Hutch says:
*Laugh*
Peter Duke says:
how am i supposed to prepare myself with these mind games?!

New Salute to Stupidity quote:
Laura: What strange animal growls?

Josh: An aardvark.

Laura: Well my phone doesn’t recognise the word aardvark…

(As though that somehow negates the growls…) 

FYI, Josh texted this to me. People have really come on to the idea of Salute to Stupidity.

Damn right you are, Paul. 

This picture will haunt me forever. 

"Poor bah-bah-black sheep has to walk 4000 miles every single day just to chew on some uprooted, filthy blades of grass and will eventually die from dirt poisoning. He will then give birth to a crocodile which will then eat him from the inside out. For just £2.50 we can buy a whip to make Jed eat flesh." Josh Hilton on why Jed shouldn't be a vegetarian.


As ever, if any more quotes pop up before the next blog post (scheduled for Wednesday) then I shall stick them on here.

Ciao for now. 

Oh Hi...

So hey from the most awesome dude in the entire world. By the way, that's me. I don't know if you can tell from my tone or not, but I'm like drunk and shit. When I say drunk, I mean drunk. I don't mean anything else because that's what I am. Becca's new hair is awesome. That's the truth and all that.

Right, so what caused all this drunkenesssesdesss? Well some shit went down earlier. Essentia;lly Becca ... no wait, Bekah invited us all over to watch Star Wars movies, but that's not interesting because everyone in the world has seen them apart from Bekah and Becca. I mean, come on, they're like essential to life and shit... like Lord of the Rings. Anyway, that happened. Then this happened.

I don't know what I was going to say, but I'm sure it coherent and well thought out, because that's what I do. I feel sick. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. No, wait, I still don't know what I was saying.

[redacted]'s super hot. No wait, I'm not allowed to say that. [redacted]'s super hot. I'm allowed to say that. [redacted]'s super hot and I totally want in her pants. But what's the likelihood of that happening? I know, I'm like a sad loser and the like. It's kind of pathetic dude. I mean come on, I'm pretending to my kids that I have a girlfriend. That's loseristic.

I should stop here. Yay for short blog post! Whoo!

I'll see you soon.

Note: Yeah, I redacted some of that because I read it this morning and was disgusted with myself. Not for finding said individuals attractive, but because I totally just threw that information out there, making it appear that my intentions are beyond a friendly handshake. Also, after I wrote this post I threw up at least half a stone. That was the worst I have ever felt. It's not like I was even that drunk either. I drank a fair amount less than I did at mine and Tom's party, so what happened? It makes no sense. I suppose this time I didn't give myself any wind down time with loads of movement. It went straight from being drunk to being at home and lounging around. So perhaps I need to stay on the move while drinking. Okay, I was going to say that I'd never get drunk again, but that's stupid. What I will say is that I will never drink again if I know I won't be able to stay out for the night. That makes sense. Apologies if you read the post before I made my redactions and apologies if you want to know who I redacted, but don't bother making a fuss about it because there's nothing to make a fuss about. Peace out. 

The Chinese are Coming

Okay, so I've always had a secret fear of the Chinese, since they're really coming into the world as a superpower. And let's face it, when you control 1/6 of the world's population, becoming a major superpower gives you a significant advantage.

I'm watching the documentary "The Chinese are Coming" on BBC iPlayer, which talks about the Chinese industrial invasion of Africa. 4 minutes in and I can see that the Chinese have drastically changed the coastline of Angola, making it a huge shipping lane. They're working incredibly hard to build a super mall in this Chinese industrial heaven. I'll tell you what, the Chinese are bloody efficient, but it does look like a literal invasion. They've shipped into Angola, giving them all of these buildings. You'd think it'd open loads of job opportunities for the locals, but the Angolans don't work there. The Angolans think that the Chinese influence is good though, so no complaint.

To put this in comparison, when the British came over to Africa to build a giant railway they employed as many locals as they could. However, the Chinese are renovating it... alone. The cost of all this does give the Angolans better trade though, so you really have to think about what they're doing and how they're doing it. Should the Chinese do all the leg work, getting all the money from oil and construction while the Africans are just getting a fair bit more trade?

"To end poverty, build a road," as the Chinese say. Yup, the Chinese have built loads of roads.

I'll tell you what, the Chinese have apparently started up businesses here because the Westerners are too scared to set up trade because of all the risk assessments that Africa fails. Just comes to show, there is somewhat a correlation between giving a shit about risks and the economic downturn. Yeah, it won't be much, but yes there's a correlation.

However, the Chinese are killing loads of elephants for their ivory, despite it being illegal. They make chopsticks. What the hell was wrong with wood?

Okay, so you know how Robert Mugabe was breaking the human rights laws in Zimbabwe? And how the UN were all like, "Nah, mate, you can't be doing all that shit and that." Well the Chinese went along to the playground and stood next to Zimbabwe and said, "Actually, they can. It is totawwy their countwy and they can do whatever they want with it." Interesting. Whoa, to make this more serious, look at this quote.

"China is taking pressure off Mugabe... and is making life easy for Mugabe to continue abusing human rights."

Damn.

"We're richer and more powerful than before. This gives us the confidence to go oversees. When I was younger, Chinese were bullied oversees."

Many African businesses are actually collapsing because of Chinese competition. "They're supposed to boost our economy, not compete with us."

To make you more worried, the Chinese have taken control of the largest copper mine in the world. We used to own it.

"They take what they want and don't give anything back."

"Are you telling me that there are no Zambians that can drive a forklift or a dumper truck?" This guy was angry about the Chinese coming over to work and not giving out jobs.

"If the Chinese don't improve working conditions, we'll have to kick them out. Back to where they come from."

Throughout the video, I've noticed that the Chinese don't let the camera crews into any of their factories that employ Africans, and ironically they've all been accused of abusing human rights. That's very interesting.

China is now the world's second largest economy, which is a lot different to what it used to be.

I still have another video to watch, which is all about how China may overtake America in the economical war that is definitely about to begin. If I find loads more interesting stuff like I did with this video, then I'll definitely make another post about it.

I apologise if you were looking for wit and humour from this blog post, but I was so interested in this idea of China buying the entire world out that I had to take it seriously. Whether all this is good or bad is still yet to be determined, but I honestly don't think there would be any harm in being a little cautious right now, especially if Obama goes all George Bush on their asses and decides that they won't be beaten. I would really like to see the American government's stand on what is happening. I can pretty much guess Cameron's reaction, "Oh well that's just fine. Good on those yellow-headed rascals."

I'll give you some funny soon, I promise.

Three Tits Tuesday

No, that wasn't the first adjective I found, it is in fact a relevant adjectival noun. We'll get on to why later.

First Lesson - Free

I've got to be honest with you, I don't fully recall what happened in this lesson. I must've done something, or the lesson wouldn't have happened. Let's see... I was sitting in my room... I was reading a book... then this guy walks in... so I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest. Wait, that's not right. I think I was just doing DT coursework. If so, I now know why I don't recall this lesson. Of course I do remember the delicious bacon that they had in breakfast today though. It was like mega-delicious. Quite possibly the best bacon I've ever had maybe? Maybe. 

Second Lesson - DT

Yeah... again, I don't really care about talking about this lesson. Nothing happened. When I say nothing happened, Westie made mild steel turn yellow. Now I don't know if you know what colour steel is supposed to turn, but when it turns red you know you've heated it enough. Yellow is the colour of molten metal. Yeah, I worried a bit. I also seemed to burn myself a lot in this lesson. I seemingly forgot over and over again that metal becomes hot when it is drilled. Also, even if the brazing hearth has been turned off for fifteen minutes, it should be noted that fire lives here. When fire lives somewhere, it is rarely ever cold. Don't touch it. 

Third Lesson - Free

We hiked over to the Media Suite this lesson because we're a team and don't leave people behind. We discussed our idea for making a magazine this lesson, and suffice to say it looks like it might not be a half-bad job. It's quite literally my area of expertise. So as long as I'm the editor, we'll be fine. It'll certainly help clear the forums of reviews and the like. Thought, why don't we put comics in the magazine? Duh. Obvious idea. 

Fourth Lesson - Media

Today's task was to get ready for my upcoming presentation on Narrative Theory. I had already done it, so I had nothing to do aside from talking to Max and Adam about stuff, and also helping them with their work. I also got to be cruel to Adam when he did his presentation because I knew that he hadn't done anything to do with Propp, so I asked him about it, and he was a little bit annoyed. It was all in good fun though. 

Fifth Lesson - Free

This lesson was fun. I found a way to play with Becca's new hair though, one of the things I thought I'd miss most about her old hair (poingy curls are funny). Since the back of her hair is soft and the correct amount of prickly, it is perfect for scratching like you would a dog. Her face when I did it made it entirely worth it. I wish I'd taken a picture to share with you. 

Cinema

Now you get the title reference. "She has three tits. That's awesome." I wish I could reveal more about the movie, but it's one of those that you have to see in order to enjoy it. I won't reveal anything aside from the fact that it was hilarious. You'll love it. I thank Josh and Laura for inviting me and letting Dukey and his sister tag along too. It was awesome. 

Anyway, that's that for that. See you next time.

P.S. No one has ever called my blog posts outrageous or silly, so I've replaced silly with love it on Josh's request. 

Proppian Fairy Tale Generator

As I was researching Propp's narrative theory for my Media work (narrative theory is a really pain in the japside) I found a Proppian Fairy Tale Generator which uses all aspects of Propp's narrative structure, and lets you choose which ones to use in your fairy tale. So, I decided not to begin with "The hero leaves the house" but instead try and form the most sadistic tale I could. Here goes.

What aspects of Propp's narrative structure are we going to use then?

Violation sounds pretty weird, so we'll select that first.
"I forget sometimes what people tell me to do or not do. What they tell me slips away into the backwaters of my memory where it drowns in all other memories forgotten."
That doesn't sound like someone's been violated, but we'll continue.

I'm going to add reconnaissance now because that sounds cool.
"I stepped outside with father's boots on, feeling the heaviness of his feet in mine. The people in my country's soil then clawed into his boots and pulled me down until I could no longer breathe in anything but dense thick soil and earthworm particles traveling into my mouth. The spirits of my land traveled through me as well. They drifted in and out of my body, trading places and laughing, laughing at me and my sad predicament.


Suddenly all the people of the land appeared before me in spirit form. They shouted, "Where are you going to?" howled "Where are you coming from?" and voraciously attacked me with their voiceless screams. "Why are you here? How do you get up there?" "
If I'm honest, I'm a little freaked out now.

Okay, let's up the ante with some trickery.
"I forget sometimes what people tell me to do or not do. What they tell me slips away into the backwaters of my memory where it drowns in all other memories forgotten.


"Tell me what it is you have come here seeking," he growled through clenched teeth.


One of them who came forward looked nothing like the others. She was dressed in white fluff and smelled clean. Her eyes were like a child's. "I'm in need of assistance," she said softly. "I need some help and I think you can help me." "
That doesn't actually follow a story arc, so let's hope it gets better.

I'm adding villainy now, just because villains are supposed to be dicks.
"I sometimes forget what people tell me to do or not do because my mouth, salivating and unruly, thinks for me. So I did what I was not supposed to do. I ate the last bit of food. And when I finished the little morsels left on my hands and mouth burned into my skin to render me shamed forever.


"Where did you get those shoes?" he asked me.


I told him I was only a callow youth with two foolish feet. "I'm old and half blind, and couldn't care for eating the likes of you. But in exchange for your shoes and satchel I'll tell you how to avoid the people who smell the anger running down the mountainside. Didn't your father tell you? The people who run down the mountain to the valley only come to eat youths with foolish feet like your own."


From the corner of my eye, I saw the man from the mountain open his razored jaw and draw a poisoned needle from underneath his tongue. I watched the needle fly from his finger through my father's ear and out the other, turning all his fluids into ones of pure jade and stone. Then the foreigner strapped my jaded father to his back and continued to ride into forbidding wastelands."
Fuck to the me.

Liquidation is next on the sadistic list, so let's see where this takes us.
"I sometimes forget what people tell me to do or not do because my mouth, salivating and unruly, thinks for me. So I did what I was not supposed to do. I ate the last bit of food. And when I finished the little morsels left on my hands and mouth burned into my skin to render me shamed forever.


Suddenly all the people of the land appeared before me in spirit form. They shouted, "Where are you going to?" howled "Where are you coming from?" and voraciously attacked me with their voiceless screams. "Why are you here? How do you get up there?"


The man smelled my skin and laughed. "You smell like fresh meat," he said. "You smell like you expect to be killed and eaten alive. What kind of boy would run around this fog like that?"


The men of the earth hungered for my people's flesh. If I did not provide them with a sacrifice to abate their sorrows, they would take my body and walk amongst my people like one of the undead. They would find ways to sip their lives into their own empty souls.


As soon as my parched, cracked lips touched the cool water of the clear spring, my tongue began to hungrily lap the coolness into my throat to fill my stomach, to fill my blood. The last time I had coughed with a wet throat or laughed with a satisfied stomach had been so long ago. The rushing of the waterfall that fed the spring I was drinking from drowned all sounds from my ears so that I was left in a world where all I need worry about is swallowing this fountain of nourishment. When I had had my fill, or as much as I could handle at the moment, I stood and viewed the paradise that surrounded me: the lush vegetation that yielded precious ruby apples and pears yellow with inviting ripeness. All around me were luxuries I had never imagined I would live to consume."
As it turns out, liquidation means to expose the false hero or villain, and we want people to die, not complete this story with a happy ending.

Hopefully this'll round off our story with a punishment. Yup, that's next on the list, and of course the last option is wedding, and we don't want that to happen. Oh, because I'm now bored of reading and commenting, I'm going to throw in the difficult task option as well, just to spice it up.
"I stepped outside with father's boots on, feeling the heaviness of his feet in mine. The people in my country's soil then clawed into his boots and pulled me down until I could no longer breathe in anything but dense thick soil and earthworm particles traveling into my mouth. The spirits of my land traveled through me as well. They drifted in and out of my body, trading places and laughing, laughing at me and my sad predicament.


"Tell me what it is you have come here seeking," he growled through clenched teeth.


One man stumbled towards me as if under a drunken afternoon spell. His mouth hung open, saliva pouring down. When he came beside me he spat into both my eyes and I screamed, falling to the grass beneath my feet. I saw black and smelled drool and could not open my eyes.


As the cinnamon fell on my eyelids I felt a burden shift onto my shoulders. I could not open my eyes but could tell my knees were sunk halfway into the weak soil. I heard the old woman exhaust her laughter into my ears, filling them with tones of mockery and deceit.


As I reached the mountain's top I took my father's bones and held them to the ground. The people of the earth relinquished their skins and flesh taken over the years of people passing over their home. The skins attached the bones and rose, forming into the figure of a man I knew from when I was young.


"If you are my son then where are your father's leather bottomed shoes and ring?"


The needle from my tongue flung towards the lying man and struck him in the heart. It gave him poison at the place where it would hurt the most, and soon the man became a limp purple figure of stone."

Well, that was that. I hope you enjoyed my introduction to Vladimir Propp's narrative structure, by removing all the bits that sounds like things could go well for the hero. In the end though, it kind of sounded like the hero (or the hero's father) is actually a cold blooded murderer who keeps poisoned needles under his tongue, ready to strike like a snake. Well, that's a fairy tale for you.

See you on the flipside.

Happy Fracking Valentine's Day

So, as I understand it, Valentine's day is a day where men get to spend a lot of money on their chosen woman and give her things like distasteful chocolate, fake flowers and a bunch of cheesey chat-up lines. I had to find out where this monstrosity of a holiday came from, and lo and behold, I found it.

As it so happens, Pope Paul the VI deleted Valentine's Day from the Roman calendar (our calendar, I believe) in 1969, meaning that it doesn't actually exist in the modern world. Sure people celebrate it by doing these stupid things for their loved ones, but on all accounts the day no longer exists. But I'm not one to tell you stop celebrating this joyous occasion, if indeed you find it a joyous occasion, so enjoy it all you want. There is literally only every other day of the year in which you can buy cheap chocolate and fake flowers for your other half.

I bet I sound quite sceptic of this holiday right now. I'll continue with my point.

Historians don't actually know which Saint Valentine is the one we base this day on, partly because none of the three that we know of have anything to do with love. In fact, this is what we know about him:
"Though the memorial of Saint Valentine is ancient, it is left to particular calendars, since, apart from his name, nothing is known of Saint Valentine except that he was buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14."

So, it seems like we're celebrating the death of a guy that has nothing to do with the holiday he is attributed to. However, I then found this while searching the interweb.

Well, that's what the net was born for. 

That's quite funny, you have to admit. Anyway, my point was that there was actually a Priest called Valentine, who was obviously persecuted by the Roman Empire for being Christian. This bit is a little ambiguous, but the Romans didn't want their young men to marry because they needed them to join the army, so this guy married them in secret. So I suppose that's the love thing. Now, in order for a Saint to be a Saint, he had to perform a miracle. Because the Romans were bastards, they executed Valentine, but before he died he apparently cured the eyesight of this blind chick who was the daughter of his jailer.

Okay, so original Valentine's Day was all about feasting. So what happened? I think I'd rather have a day of food than romantically linked people telling everyone else in the world that they're better than them just because they occasionally do the hokey kokey.

"Something awful must have happened last year or something, or you wouldn't be this bitter."

Bitter? Am I coming across as bitter? I do apologise, readers. While I do applaud people for finding someone they can confide in and out and in again, I must say that I'm just not up for this whole shabang. The fact of the matter is, I always miss the opportunity to have someone during any festivity, so you may even call it jealousy. And you may be right.

Listen, I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it. I can't be bothered with all that nonsense. Although I swear to Christ that if anyone says to me, "We really need to find you a girlfriend" today then I will punch them square in the nut-sac. I'll give them a "happy Valentine's day", as it were.

I still sound really bitter, so let's turn it around. I'm only saying that I dislike this holiday because I'm alone, and that's the truth. I'm almost certain that if I had a girlfriend I'd be all hyped up like a horny hyena ready for some "go get some." Oh well, at least I can look forward to manufacturing the story of how I spent my Valentine's night with my fake girlfriend when Casey inevitably asks me what I was doing today with said fake girlfriend. That really makes me a loser. Like a huge loser. Like a bigger loser than Biggest Loser USA, and they're fracking HUGE.

Anyway, enjoy this stupid day if you can enjoy this stupid day. I'm happy for those whom have been struck by Stupid's Cupid's arrow. I really am.

However, if you are going to be miserable today, perhaps this'll cheer you up.

Look how happy he is! 

Right, with that done, I'll see you on the morrow with Tuesday's turn for a blog post.

Salute to Stupidity 2

Welcome to another round of Salute to Stupidity.

Heather: So basically my locker is broken and I don't have a locker, mainly because of Caitlin's Nazi book.
Josh: What?
Heather: She takes history.
Josh: Ah, context, thou were required.

Somebody: Why would she shove a lightsaber up there?
Joe: So that she can feel the Force.

Ahahahahaha. 

Josh Hilton as Frodo Baggins

Me as The Situation. 

Joseph Beaver. 

Evil Tyrant Lord Dukey Vegas

"Russell Howard's stand up material about wanking as a fourteen year old boy"

Joshua Splodge Hilton

my biggest fantasy involves a rhino, a miley cyrus DVD and the entire blue man group


"Dad, what's a wasp?"
"It's basically just a gay bee."


"Aha! It just said gang bang!" Everyone on the Bulletstorm Demo


"This man has to die with a purpose. He has to die for my amusement." Dukey on the Bulletstorm demo

FUCK! (AKA, Happy Birthday, Blog)

I totally missed Cliché Life Stuff's first birthday. I'm so ashamed of myself, being all wound up with other things going on. Damn it, me, it was going to be so cool.

Anyway, let's not dwell. All I need is a time machine.

Phone: Ring ring. Ring ring.

Doctor: Uh... Hello?
Me: I need to borrow your Tardis to go back in time ten days.
Doctor: What on Earth for? This isn't a bloody taxi.
Me: Just trust me.
Doctor: Do you know how much the insurance damage would be if you were to crash it?
Me: Oh relax. I'm more careful than a mouse.
Doctor: Mice get caught in mouse-traps all the time!
Me: Well I won't go near any mouse-traps then, will I?
Doctor: I still don't feel comfortable *clunk*
Me: Yeah, I just hit you over the head with my phone. I was behind you the whole time. Anyway.

Ah whoo-wha. Bah boo dah. 

2nd February 2011
Happy Birthday, Cliché Life Stuff! *Party pop*

It's been exactly 1 year to the day since I posted my first post, and a lot has changed since then. A lot.

I could run through a list of all the things that have changed, but would you want to read that? No, I don't think so since I've done it at least twice on this blog before.

OOH! FUCKING GREAT IDEA. THIS IDEA IS IMMENSELY ORIGINAL.

Perhaps I should explain what that immensely original idea is first. I will take an aspect of my life, and then summarise what has happened. That sounds cool.

Family
Over the course of the last year I have officially declared that I don't belong to the people who live in my house, and in fact my family is my friends. However, I did gain Walter this year, which is awesome because he's the best dog in the world.

Awwwwww. 

You see that little black puppy? Yeah, Walter has barely changed at all. He's just a little bigger now.

When I say a little bigger. 

Yeah, he's twice the size of Daisy now, and she's as old as he is. Damn Walter's cool, and everybody loves him! An awesome blog writer needs his awesome sidekick, and Walter will definitely be by my side when I defeat Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein.

Note: Gewalt is the German word for violence. So, if I'm right, Walter is actually the name of a warmonger, or at least someone with violent tendencies. Dogs are carnivores capable of ripping things apart with their teeth. Case and point. 


Friends
You guys are fucking amazing. Like, if I were to compare you to anyone else on Earth, they'd like have their head beneath the sands because you'd trample them with you're awesome. I mean, I say I'm awesome, but I'd be nothing without you guys. Seriously, you complete me. This is why you're my Real Family. It's all because you're the people who I can actually count on in my life to help me do the right thing. You're also pretty good at saving my life when Evil Tyrants try and kill me with heavy-ass tribal masks. The only way I could possibly improve us would be to forget about all the drama and just accept that we're a huge family and that there is no "Krewe" and there isn't a separate "Smack" and that nothing matters more than just being together as a unit, as a force not to be reckoned with. We'd be an unstoppable love machine. That sounded weirder than I anticipated, but I'm pretty sure you understand what I mean. Each and very single one of you has contributed to making this the best year of my sorry-ass life. Well done. Pat yourselves on the back. Seriously, do it right now. If you don't pat yourself on the back then I will come over there. What I'd do once I'm over there is beyond me, but I'll certainly do something.

Do you remember Zombie Plan? That was fun, wasn't it? How about that time when we went paintballing? Great Yarmouth was awesome, too. RichChief Live was fun to make. Naturally there has been five thousand and one birthday parties, all of which have been the best fun ever. Oh! Berlin! All of our free lessons together. Just fracking everything and anything you can think of that you can add to the list. Just think right now. Tilt your head to the right and look up towards the left, and just have a good hard think about all the amazing times we've had together over the last year. This is why I religiously take photos and have a running photo-album as my screensaver so that I never forget a moment. I love you guys. Don't ever leave me. If you leave me then I'll destroy you. I'm not threatening you, I'm just saying.

My Kids
A huge important part of my life over the past year has been my kids. They're wonderful. It's fantastic to have an outside view of what actually happens inside a year group, and you'd be surprised how little-a-difference there is between my kids and us in years 7, 8 and 9. It's like, exactly the same. I always get asked how I can put up with them, and sometimes I question it myself. But then I see the result of hard work paying off, and a huge beaming smile across their face when they know that they've done well and exceeded my expectations. That makes it worth it. It's not to do with how annoying they are, it's about how rewarding it is to be able to influence these kids in such a way that you're actually making an impact on the way they see and react to things. And you know what? Some of them are quite grown up. Okay, Courtney is probably the only one I've had in-depth conversations with about stuff and such, but I'm sure if I spent as much time with some of the other kids as I do with her, then it'd be the same story. I hope it'd be the same story, or Courtney is literally the only person in her year with any depth to her personality. I've also had my fair share of weird-ass stalkery comments from them, and in fact at the moment Casey is completely obsessed with me being this "The Situation" guy from Jersey Shore. What the fuck is Jersey Shore? Shit, I've just realised that there's probably a picture of me on Facebook now with three year nine girls. Nobody add Casey Lawrie. If you do, then she'll find me, and she'll be able to stalk me even more effectively than she does now. I don't really want that to happen. Seriously, I felt compelled to tell her that I'm a deadly seriously relationship with a girl from Kingswood just so she'd stop harassing me about that subject. It worked, to say the least. Anyway, I love my kids and it'll be damn difficult to say goodbye to them in the summer.

I think I'm done
Cool.

Just remember that today is the 2nd of February even though your calendar says the 12th. Just trust me on this one.

Doctor: There you are!
Me: Oh shit. Uh...

12th February 2011

Me: Yeah, sorry, for hitting you over the head with my phone and stealing your time machine so that I could do a blog post. 

Doctor: Just don't let it happen again. 

Me: Oh it won't. 

Doctor: Good *clunk*

15th March 254BC

...

Due to technology not existing at this time, the following words cannot be obtained. Thank you and goodnight. 

Joe Got Drunk

Okay, so I've just gotten back the pictures from the weekend (yeah, more stuff is cropping up) and I found out a habit of Joe's that seems to be quite worrying.

See, when Joe gets drunk, and is left alone in the car... he gets a little vain.

Backseat driver.

That's just the start.

It's pretty much the same shot. 

It doesn't end there.

There's just more. 

It doesn't seem to end. 

And then it ended. But still, that's a lot of pictures. You'd be lucky to see a picture of me full stop, let alone half a dozen all at the same time. I bring this up because earlier I took a fantastic picture of Joe and he stole my camera to delete it. Well, Joe, vanity seems to have struck. Irony is a harsh mistress.

In other news, my kids are making their choices for next year soon, so now it's my job to ease them through it. When I say them, I mean the ones whom I like and I can see actually having any sort of decent future ahead of them. I'm not favouritist, I just have students whom I like more than others. There's nothing wrong with that.

Timothy

Okay, so I've been reminded of even more things about Timothy. So this is happening, come to terms with it.

Timothy goes rawr.

Timothy saw first light in a Chinese factory in... China. His first sight was of a poor child assembling things in this horrible place. I mean, seriously, they'd score like minus eight for safety and sanitation. When he had gathered enough strength, he decided to liberate the factory and free all of the children.

Yay for Timothy! 

Over the years, Timothy has enjoyed his life. He decided to have fun, and try activities such as:

Bungee jumping. 

And white water rafting. 

But ultimately, Timothy's purpose in life was to defend us against the Chinese, his life-long pet-peeve. Luckily he met me, so I taught him how to protect us from world domination.

Destroy him!

I'd like to state at this point that I have nothing against the Chinese or any other culture. This is merely a joke between me and my friends, particularly now that we have Quach (pictured above). Don't take it the wrong way. Although we should fear Chinese expansion. I'm just saying. 


But all good things come to die eventually. Timothy was brutally murdered by Hoier's mother. I suggested to Joe that we cremate him.

Goodbye, Timothy. 

But then Joe pointed out an obvious flaw in my plan.

Cremating Timothy = horrible mess + toxic fumes

So yeah, that was Timothy. He was a good dinosaur, and shall be sadly missed.

Damn, a lot of people died this weekend. First Timothy, then me. I wonder who will die next at the party that happened like 4 days ago?

Until another time.

Moaning Monday

I'm a little bit annoyed right. I curse myself for somehow losing the memory card from my camera so now I've got a bunch of pictures and videos just hanging about somewhere, probably on some pervert's laptop. My internet won't stay connected for more than five minutes at a time and I have absolutely no idea how to fix it and it feels like I have an axe in my head. On a less important note, my Xbox doesn't like working either. Why? Why can't anything just be easy and simple and work properly when they're supposed to? Stupid everything.

Anyway, that's totally not the way to do things, although I fear what may happen in the following blog post. Gulp. Try and read on.

First Lesson - Media
God, this media lesson was so boring and pointless that I don't even want to go into it. We did audience theories again. Exactly. I don't care how many different ways my audience can be influenced by my trailer, I just know that if they watch it they will be affected by it. End of.

Second Lesson - Free
I was alone for the entire lesson so I did DT coursework. However, in special assembly I was reminded of a story from Saturday that I had forgotten.

Timothy.
Timothy was a robotic dinosaur. He was so playful, bounding around on his huge legs with his little arms, biting and mauling people as they came past. I taught him how to do this. I taught him how to defend us in our time of need. To protect us against the Chinese when they inevitably try to take over the world. I practised him on Quach. But soon Timothy was taken away from me. "Timothyyyyy!!!!" I shouted. Everyone laughed and found my antics hilarious.

We also found out that everyone at Bolton had failed their A-levels today. Manni might not be going to uni after all then to train to be a PE teacher. In fact, I don't think one person got into their uni choices. What does that tell you about Bolton? That's right. You know what I'm saying. It's a wonderful place to live and we shouldn't judge it by their poor schooling system. Actually, we kind of should.

Third Lesson - DT
I drilled my aluminium. Woo.

Fourth Lesson - Free
I remember this lesson being a little annoying. Mainly because everyone was trying to book a holiday without even talking to Josh and me about it, but also because my scar was flaring up a lot more than usual. I say usual like it's normal for me to have a head wound. Oh, also Josh, Westie and I got the opportunity to fly helicopters and planes. The condition, though, is that we have to win a competition to tell RAF that blended wing technology is the right way to go. This is going to be fun.

"Hutchy, I've got a quote for you to put in your blog. Basically, when we were in Physics earlier Mr Goodman was teaching us about how time seems slower the further away from Earth (or some kind of gravitational mass) you are, and so I asked him if that's why he has so much hair on his feet but none on his head." Joe Hadden on he told me to write this in. It's pretty much self-explanatory. Unless you don't know Mr Goodman. He's a bald physics teacher. Now you know Mr Goodman. Congrats. 

Fifth Lesson - Deutsch
We got to watch one of the coveted AQA films today. I don't know if I remember telling you about the eco-friendly rapist a while back, but this one was also a timeless classic of bad camera angles and horrible cutting. As a Media student, I watched this thinking "You really didn't need to change the angle a hundred times" but they did. They changed it thousands of times. I particularly liked it when he turned and held his mic out off-camera, and then it cut to him talking to this other guy. It was hilarious. We'll have to do one like that for RichChief. After the end of the day I got to talk to Courtney about my Wound of Death. She told me (in her own words) that it was kind of ironic that I tell the kids to be safe every week, but I clearly didn't listen to my own advice. We managed to make a laugh from it, which was fun.

Well, that's me done. Thanks for reading.

Peter Hutchinson: 1993 - 2011

We'll get on to why I'm dead later.

As you may have read (or about to read) I was drunk last night. This was because I was at mine and Hoier's official huge big 18th shindig. We'll start with the beginning.

The Beginning
I arrived at Joe's house at exactly two minutes past seven, thinking that everything was packed and ready to go. I walked in to Joe's house to find Bekah and Becca doing make-up, which lasted like seven years. Seven years later and we were all ready to go. Upon arrival at the house of Hoier, uh... everyone else was already there. Okay, I honestly thought that my thoughts were cognitive enough to be able to unscramble last night, but it's still all a mess.

Tsingtao
I was worried about this drink, since Quach told me it was really strong, and I'm not normally a fan of beer, but when I cracked open this baby it was like heaven in a bottle. 2 pints of pure, Chinese bliss. Beer should definitely taste like this. Cider then became irrelevant. I still had it, but it was irrelevant.

Cassie
Cassie gets a special mention because this was the first time I've ever spoken to her. And I must say, if I'm honest, I spent a sizeable portion of the evening with her. But you see, I didn't mind at all, and in fact, because of my wit and charm, she warmed up to me in moments and decided that because she didn't know anyone else and didn't want to get molested by Hoier every seven seconds, she was pretty glad that I was around. And I quote, "Aw, I love Hutchy *hug*". Damn I'm awesome. I deemed myself to be her official protector before too long, since I have to stop Hoier from molesting her a lot. I do hope this isn't the last we see of her though.

Harry and Bekah
Fucking whoa. Shit went down with these two. And I don't mean like there was a fight or anything, I mean their tongues were locked in an epic duel of which there appeared to be no victor. What will happen next? I don't know, but perhaps it's time for a HUGE DISCUSSION. I'm not saying we should catch them at AWKWARD TIMES and BADGER THEM UNTIL THEY CRY or anything, but I'm just saying.

Antics
This was definitely the most drunk I have ever gotten. I believe my most common antic was the 'hug and don't let go' routine. When Josh arrived, I did this to him, and told him that I love him. This was essentially a sign for him to start fucking with my mind. I don't remember what he did, but he must have done something, otherwise it wouldn't be Josh. Oh yeah, laser pen. That's a given though. I also did the same routine to Becca once or twice, but because she's so loving she decided to not fuck with my mind. I could argue though, that many will say that you shouldn't let go of the people that matter most. Although the rest of the people that matter most to me were either drunk or locked to Harry's face. I also managed to cut my lip on a torch. Oh, and I tried to open a beer with a machete. Joe cut his fingers on the machete. Why the hell do the Hoiers have a machete in their kitchen? They should've known disaster would strike. I remember Luke's hair being huge and curly, which was weird. I also remember talking to Sophia, but I have no idea what about. As I said, my memories are all jumbled up. There's a start and an end, but then there's a middle bit of being drunk that's kind of all mixed up. Oh yeah! I wrote that blog post. That was hilarious. Badger Westie about Vicky Coppard. I've also just remembered that Becca was touching my ass inappropriately, but I can't remember why.

Time of Death: 04:32am
Dukey was rifling through Hoier's stuff and so I told him off. Dukey got so angry that he shoved the briefcase back into the shelf and then a Tiki mask fell on my head. At first I was just like "Ow." But then blood started dripping into my hand and I started to panic a little. The worst bleeding I've ever had has been a nosebleed, so this made me shit myself scared. You know those movies where the blood pours down their face and you're like, "Nah, that's ridiculous." That fracking happens. That's actually factual.

I then died. A funeral service was held.

I have the best funerals ever. 

Luckily, Josh happened to have a vial of mole venom on him, and managed to mix it with my semen to revive me. Perhaps I should put that into context. Josh believes that when you mix my Messiah semen with mole venom, it becomes the cure for death. I proved it.

Anyway, after that I was rushed into the kitchen so I didn't bleed all over everything, which I already did. An ambulance was then phoned and I got to sit with my hand firmly trapping a tissue onto my bleeding scalp. I have to thank Josh and Joe for saving my life here. They didn't leave my side even for a second, this makes them like my best friends ever. And yes, Becca, I realise that if you were up you'd have been in there too. Lots of people started to crowd me and I told them all to fuck off because I wasn't out of the woods yet and still dying. If I offended you, and in particular this is to Maisie because she actually brought it up with me the next morning, then I apologise with deepest sincerity. Still, no harm done. Except to my head.

The paramedics then arrived and took a look at my deadly deadly wound. I was actually surprised to see that the bleeding had stopped and this took a real load off my shoulders, since it was clear that I wasn't dying and wouldn't have go to the hospital to die in a cold bed surrounded by evil machines that try and kill you with their various fluids and beeping noises. I wish that my head wasn't full of blood at this point so that I could perform the necessary functions to form memories of the jokes made, but there were some crackers made about me dying, and the paramedics being on call for 48 hours and such. It was funny.

Anyway, after that everyone went to bed who weren't already in bed and I settled down for like ten minutes before I was like "my head hurts" and that was pretty much that for two hours before I woke up from hearing that people were talking in the other room and I was intrigued so I joined them. Various conversations happened for a while, mostly about how I nearly died. I might kill the next person who asks me "How's your head?" because the simple answer will always be that it is fine, despite the fact that it feels like someone's boring a pin into my skull.

A couple of hours and some food later I found myself talking to Cassie and Josh in the Room of Death. I kept my distance from the Death Shelving Unit this time, but I gave the "good-luck" tiki mask, that had actually snapped on my head, a big long stare. I think it was tired of giving everyone good fortune, so as soon as it saw Dukey it was like "oooh, I can do something bad with this guy's aid." Gasp! Dukey is adamant that he had nothing to do with the near-death experience that occurred. He and the Tiki Mask of Misfortune must be in cahoots...

After Josh and Cassie went home, I found everyone else playing with toys. I then found out that Hoier's little sister was up and having a duel with Quach, so everything kind of made sense. He's going to be a great father, it must be said. Maisie, you're a lucky girl.

Right, I think I'm done here. Time to watch some movies. I think I'll be hanging out with Joe and Bekah tonight, so he and I can totally make her uncomfortable about the whole Harry thing. But I don't think I should tell you how it goes.

See you soon.

Haslllo

My name is Hutchy anbd I'm pretty damn drunk. I'll tell ytou qhaty, a sheep and a fish were in a bart anbd they werfe all like, "hew, how nyou doin'?" and the opther was all like, "I'm fibne, blud.," \they then were all like beaten up and shit. I'm using Josh's lpaptop, whi8xh has a confusing keyuboard.

Damn right that keyboard was confusing. I couldn't tell what was where. There's a print button where the shift button should be. You literally have to shift your entire thought process to the right, and as you can see, I did not realise that at the time. 

I'm T mine and Hoier's birthday party, and I've having a pretty good time. EWverything's having a good time. My face is numb. Umm... Josh is next to me. Oh my gott, ich soll deutsch versuchen schreiben.

Another fine example. I tried to write "at" but instead capitalised "T". What I want to know is how on Earth I managed to turn caps lock off again if I hadn't realised it was turned on. 

"Hutchy, do you fancy fancy anyone at the moment." Ouch, didn't put a question mark. I believe Josh said this. 

"I don't know, Cassie's really hot. Hold on, I'm writing this all down." Uhh... Yeah, that was me. Cassie was pleased with the comment though, so that's fine. 

"Hutchy, write warum in there." Westie? Probably. Wait, maybe it was Jonny. 

"Harry hit the curb and burst the tyre. Cable. Locked out of the house. Harry and Bekah making out. Bekah trying to make out with Paul." As far as I'm concerned everyone was firing words at me at this point and I could only type so fast. I must say though, my cognitive thinking really improved at this point. There's only a few mistakes in there, and those mistakes are just sentence fragments, which you know I don't care about. 

"I'm not writing down geek, Westie." Damn right I wasn't. 

"This is fantastic." Me again? 

"If I move on from Natalie, and move onto a year 12. It's Vicky Coppard." That was definitely Westie. I apologise, Westie. But, I'm not removing it. What has been written can not be unwritten. 


I apologise for this appalling blog post, and of course in about minus 5 minutes you will have read the second post about the party, unless you're using Google Reader, or have read this one before I post the next one. Just shush. See you in (minus) five minutes!

Accurately Creepy Friday

Yup, I went for the first adjective I saw thing again.

But before we dive deep and dirty into the world of Friday, I want to take a look at an interesting conversation from yesterday. If I still had a Salute to Stupidity running, it'd go in there, but this is the here and now, and I don't do waiting. You deserve to see this now.

Becca and I were talking in our communal free yesterday, and then she started poking my phone, which was in my pocket.
Me: Becca, that's my penis.
Becca starts fondling the phone inside my pocket.
Becca: Ooh, your penis is so big and hard.
Joe jerks his head around and stares at us both with a look of worry and confusion.

That was hilarious.

First Lesson - Media
We were talking about audience today, which gave me a perfectly good reason to fuck around. Seriously, the criteria for building your ideal audience member was stupid. Let me show you what I wrote.

Self image -
Gender - Mainly male but I'm not too fussy
Age - 15 + (young adults). This is insanely necessary.
Family - N/A
Class - Middle/working class. I don't deal with the likes of tramps and snobs.
Nation - Great Britain. Fuck everyone else.
Ethnicity - If they watch the movie I don't care. I'm not a racist.
Education - They'll have to be educated enough to earn money to go to the cinema.
Religion - Doesn't matter
Politics - Doesn't matter
Location - Must live somewhere near a cinema
How to address the audience - Talk to them
Likes - Having a laugh, socialising, watching films
Dislikes - Soppy romantic films, root vegetables
Intended response - Watch the film, join forums in order to effectively plan for the zombie invasion
Audience interaction - Click l> to play

As you can see, I really take audience theories seriously.

Second Lesson - Deutsch
We started the lesson with the difference between aber and sondern. Aber means but and sondern means but. I think you can see why there'd be a confusion. I believe we concluded that sondern meant 'but instead...' whereas aber just meant 'but this happened'. I bet you're confused now, aren't you? Well, I'm not explaining it further. I can't remember what Paul said about Media Studies, but Hoier came out and spat on it, so I shouted at him. Mr Nichols then defended me in my ever-more difficult struggle against the close-minded scientists. Us creationists don't get much praise in today's England. When I say creationist, I mean someone who creates, not someone who believes in the creation theory, just to clarify. Personally though, I believe in a balance. The lessons I take pretty much cover everything. Media is my art, my analytical subject and my humanity. German is my academic subject, all about learning a language and the culture it derives from, which again crosses over into the humanities section. DT is the bridge between creating and physical science, as well as material properties. I don't understand these fools who look at my subjects and frown. I solve all arguments with my subjects. They're just awesome. Deal with it.

Third Lesson - Free
So I meant to do the media work that I didn't do for today's lesson, but then I ended up somehow wasting an entire lesson. Don't ask how it happened, but forty minutes of the lesson vanished into thin air. The rest of the lesson, however, I won't bother going into since I'm tired and remembering annoying things annoys me.

Fourth Lesson - Free
Friday afternoons are just fantastic. I love Joe and Becca. The first part of the afternoon simply involved us doing a bit of work that we needed to do, and we soon finished that all up, so the rest of the day happened in the soft seating area.

Fifth Lesson - Soft Seating Area
What do I actually remember about this time? I do remember that the art vs science debate happened again, but since Becca is totally on my side for this Joe didn't stand a chance. Although I don't think that there was actually an argument. I don't know, I remember there being a face off for something along these lines. But still, it was all good fun.

So, that was Friday. Saturday is my next big party at the Hoier's house. I'll make sure I blog Sunday.

Until next time! *Theme tune*

P.S. I’m sorry for the lateness of this post. My laptop hasn’t yet decided how it connects to the internet. Sometimes it wants me to use the Ethernet cable, but now I’ve just discovered that it wanted to do it wirelessly. I hope HP send an update for this and fix it. Also, the rest of you need to start posting regularly. I have needs too, you know.

Just a Thought

I was talking to Courtney earlier about how I'd be leaving school soon and going off to Uni, about how expensive it is now and how I'd be saying goodbye to everyone and such. I don't know how she coaxed it out of me, but I admitted to her that saying goodbye to her and the rest of the kids was going to be damn difficult. This left me with two thoughts.

Thought #1
When I was growing up I remember being driven past the sign for Burton Latimer University every now and then. I'm going to assume that it doesn't exist anymore, since there seems to be no sign of it anywhere. But I remember thinking how cool it was that we had a university near us, and even though I never saw the actual building, I did think about going there when I grew up. See, back then we had a choice between a job, college and uni. Uni was the big daddy of education, and only the most prestigious went there. During my time at Brambleside, I do remember being asked if I would rather go to uni or college. Obviously I can't remember my response, but even back then colleges still existed for post-18 students and uni seemed unattainable. Kind of like the uni system in America, come to think of it.

Now it's about 10 years on, and look at how things have changed. Going to uni is no longer a huge big deal. Yeah, getting in and stuff is the most important thing to us right now, but "us" means 50% of students in the country. That's a pretty big number. Colleges have been abolished, and now exist as sixth form colleges and regular comprehensive schools. The impact of all that means that a student's life has now become that much harder. Ironically, getting into uni is a lot harder now, despite the fact that half the country currently attends.

Thought #2
In year 11, I said my final goodbyes to about 20 people, and those people I didn't shed a tear for. This year, I'm going to have to say goodbye to over 200, and that's a pretty big number. Because this will be the moment in our lives where we all split off and ferry off to different parts of the country, there will be a lot of people I won't see again. I've made quite a few friends in my time, but fortunately the irreplaceable ones don't have a choice but to remain irreplaceable as they become more like a family to me than ever before, since I may get the chance to live with a few of them. There will also be all the teachers whom I've become friends with over the years. But the one that nearly made me shed a tear as I was saying all this to Courtney was when I talked about saying goodbye to my kids. The year eights I've slowly been saying goodbye to over the course of this year, since they became annoying and I didn't like them very much anymore, but the year nines have become a very important part of my life. You've seen the posts about them. It's mostly good things. I just honestly have no idea how I can possibly just leave them to it, especially since Courtney is now finding different ways for me to come back and teach them next year. And because there are so many of them and social barriers and friendship groups mean nothing when I'm around.

FYI, this is why Courtney is my favourite student. I can have meaningful conversations with her, and a bit of a laugh. With the others it's either smut or banter... or they're really boring and I don't want to talk to them because of it. But that's only a couple of them.

Anyway, just thought I've give something for you to think about. The second thought is more personal to me though... whatever, it's posted. If you accidentally think about the second thought, then I wouldn't worry about it at all, since you may be in a similar circumstance.

If you were reading this post in search of wit and humour, then I must say to you that it is 0100 and I really can't be bothered. My brain is in think mode, not humour mode. Although, it must be said that thinking keeps me up at night. Oh, I get it. That was quite clever of me.

Fine, I'll give you a joke.

There was a nun and a priest who were madly in love, but since they were abstinent and bound by the laws of god they couldn't do the hokey kokey and then turn around. He couldn't "that's what it's" her "all about," so to speak. But one day, they were in Church together, and they couldn't resist their urges any longer. So they found a loophole. In order to rid oneself of one's sins, one would confess in the confession box, and I think you know where I'm going with this. Yup. "Oh GOD! ForGIVE me for I have SINNED!" God was actually quite proud of their efforts to loop a hole in the system, so he let it go. However, after the seventh time he got pretty pissed, because now they'd made a habit of it, and that just won't do. I (because I'm the Messiah) then walked into the church, stood menacingly in front of the confession box and politely waited until they finished. When they came out I brought the wrath of god upon them, and essentially castrated them.

Uh... it got kind of dark at the end. As I said, 0100, don't judge me. I don't think that's a half-bad job for someone of my level of tiredness. I should really go to bed now.

And I'm gone.

So Now NTU Fancies Me

Let's just start off with a little something something. I didn't do a January was great post yesterday because I forgot, and I've blogged so much over January that there didn't seem much point. I think you get it. Anyway, I will officially state that January's view count peaked at 400 views! That's almost twice as many as December, which was the current record holder, but now I'm twice as awesome it seems. Anyway, onto the post at hand.

Do you remember the media storm I got from De Montford a little while ago? Yeah, they slowed down recently in order to not look too clingy, but Nottingham Trent caught wind of this and went in for the kill. Recently they've been bombarding me with letters and shit, and this happened only a few minutes ago...

Phone: Ring ring. Ring ring.
Me: Hello?
Catherine: Hi this is Catherine. I'm a student at Nottingham Trent.
Me: Oh hello!
Inside voice: Damn she sounds hot.
Catherine: I'm just ringing to tell you about the open days we have going on right now.
Me: Ah all right, brilliant. Heh, I received a letter about it a couple of days ago in fact.
Inside voice: I don't even want to go to NTU. If you weren't so hot I would've hung up by now.
Catherine: Ah well do you want to get a pen and some paper and write down when they are?
Me: Sure... ah, there's some right in front of my.
Inside voice: Hehehehe, no there isn't.
Catherine: Okay the first one is ... [unrecognised recording]
Me: Uhuh... got it.
Catherine: Then on the... [unrecognised recording]
Me: Okay...
Catherine: and then on the ... [unrecognised recording]
Me: Got it.
Catherine: Now since you're studying Media the open days will be in the ... [unrecognised recording] building.
Me: Oh yeah, I've been there before.
Inside voice: Does she think that the applicants know absolutely nothing about the university before they apply?
Catherine: Now while you're there you can find out about the course and ask any questions you have.
Me: Ah brilliant.
Inside voice: Believe it or not, Catherine, I found out about the course before I applied to it.
Catherine: Do you want to run any of your questions by me first just...?
Me: No, I can't think of anything right now, that's quite all right thank you.
Inside voice: What? I'm not retarded.
Catherine: Okay, that's quite all right. Thank you very much.
Me: No, thank you. Goodbye.
Inner voice: Can I see you in person?
Catherine: Buhbye.
Catherine's inner voice: I love you, please marry me.

Yup, NTU has acquired my phone number and they're now phoning me.

Have a nice February.