Back into the Fray

It's also the end of May.

Whoo, rhyme. Get me. I can make words that sound like each other go at the end of sentences. Wicked stuff.

Anyway, the title suggests (if you are an avid reader of Cliché Life Stuff - the home of the best blogging since Hyperbole and a Half, but Allie Brosh doesn't update any more on account of the fact that she's turning her blog into a book with half of it being entirely new material, so she's decided that instead of writing these on her blog she's going to make a bucket-load of money out of poor saps like me who are obviously going to buy said book on account of the fact that it is her blog plus another her blog. And her blog's pretty big, but the fact of the matter is this is my 209th post! Whoo! *Party pop* but I've actually surpasses her, the three years running girl, with my awesome amount of posts gathered only in the past year and a half. Fuck yeah) that I had my first day of school back at Brooke Weston again, and in a way I did, but what makes it extra special is that I had a choice. Isn't that wonderful? Choice. It's kind of an awkward word to say because it's quite harsh and doesn't roll off your tongue like the word fundiferous does, so you can choose not to say it, because that's the beauty of the concept of choice; it's entirely left up to you.

Yes, I am aware that fundiferous isn't a word.

Anyway, since my time at HMP Brooke Weston is done all I have to do now is go in for revision. And so I did.

First Lesson - Nothing
Since everyone was going off to their organised revision "sessions" I had to really sort out in my head what the hell I was going to do. I didn't have an organised structure, no plan; no method to speak of. So my first decision to make was to decide when I was going to learn about DT with Mrs [name deleted from records]. I instantly came to the conclusion that second and third lesson would be spend in DT, and I shared this information with the DT lads and thus it was so.

Whoa, hang on, power. Not used to it yet. I only rarely get to talk on this blog. Oh but because Outside Voice wasn't going to openly talk about the things that I read in the news as part of my Media revision, I shall dictate it to you. How wonderful is this system? 

Okay, so I first looked at the latest super-injunction news that the wonderful Miss Albrecht sent to me out of the goodness of her own heart. It turns out that the internet can lie - god forbid. Twitter (because of course it is now officially sentient and going to definitely take over the world. Hang on... Outside Voice can at least do something with that... I'm right on it, continue talking. Cool) has released 14 more names of people who took out super injunctions because they're bad people who did bad things. Here's a thought, if you don't want people to know that you've done bad things, why not just not do the bad thing? But hey, what kind of a world would it be if you couldn't do bad things? I know, preposterous. Oh, and you know how Colonel Gadaffi is a complete tool? Yeah, he tried to call a cease fire today - which is fine, but it's not fine if you don't listen to the Rebels' demands, the chief one being for him to step down. I'm not entirely sure what he was trying to gain from it. The fool. The absolute foolish fool. Soon he will realise the folly of his follies. Fool. 

Oi, have you got it ready yet? 
Yes, hold your horses.
If it's shit, do you know how pissed I'm going to be? 
At least a lot?
Uh... yes. 

Oh, that's actually pretty awesome. 
Yeah, it is.
You didn't make it, did you? 
No...
Where's the one you made? 
...
Come on...
Well... I kind of concocted this...

Disappointment doesn't begin to cover it. 
Well fuck you, it's not your appreciation I'm looking for -
I'm you!
Excuse me - it's the public's. If they like that image, which I'm sure my adoring fans will, then that's all I care about.
It's still crap. 
Well that's your opinion. Just because the images you create are massively life-like and awesome but you know why that is? Because you're my fucking mind!
You make at least three good points there. 
Precisely.
You should move on, I've had my say. 
Yeah, I should.

Second Lesson - DT
Oh yawn.

Third Lesson - DT
Really? Are you really going to make me do this? All we did is go through exam shit. In fact, I've put enough effort into that fucking depiction of the sentient form of Twitter that will definitely tear our world apart. While we're on the note of DT though, I must say that I'm feeling better and better about this exam. I learned that the A* boundary is 60%... that's like a godsend. 60% is usually a C, so why so low with DT? This makes me super happy and it should hopefully boost my grade a little if I get enough points. Wicked.

Fourth Lesson - Nothing
I was supposed to do Media, but for the life of me I can't find my stuff, so what I'm going to have to do is take a damn good look for it... somewhere. I've concluded that it isn't in my immediate vicinity, and so therefore can only be at school in my locker and I just happened to leave it there at the end of last term and somehow not notice it yesterday when I went-a-looking for it. So uh... yeah. But anyway, since we're on the topic of Media I suppose it would be a massively good time to talk about Twitter. I mean, it's been in the news so much recently and it's fricking ridiculous. Some knob-rocket posted on Twitter that Gabby Logan was having an affair with thingy off that show they do together... Question of Sport. Seriously? Gabby Logan? That sweet middle-to-old-aged woman who would be as serious about marriage as she is about standing in front of a camera and telling everyone that tennis is happening behind her. Unfortunately, because Gyan Riggs (I'm pretty sure I count as a Media form and therefore I'm not allowed to say Ryan Giggs' name either) was revealed on Twitter, every sucker on the face of the planet currently believes exactly what the internet tells them... I thought we'd finally gotten out of that stage when we realised that everyone on the internet is an arsehole? Damn it, Internet, you're trying to win again by using your pet Twitter to murder us all in a bloody swathe of fiery death.

Fifth Lesson - Nothing
I actually planned to revise this lesson, but because I was with Josh in the previous lesson we kind of just stayed there. However, I do have an amusing photo to show you:

If you look closely then I was looking for the Red Tower on Google Maps, but I was looking for one near me... I don't know if you're familiar with my YouTube series Granite Moths but in it we do a comical version of the Operator logo in which we draw x's through the balls of a drawn penis, and if you look closely at that image, then you will notice that the street is in the shape of a cock and balls. Coincidences don't often find themselves now, do they?

P.S. I'm still looking for a climbable-tower-type object thing that I use for Granite Moths, so if you could give me any ideas that'd be massively appreciated. Obviously if you live in a different country to me, then there'd be absolutely no point in telling me anything because I won't be able to get there. Remember, I have Countr so if you try and screw me over then I will find out where you live and I will burn down your house with combustible lemons. Bastard.

Anyway, that's all from me so I'll catch you later.

Analysis of Popular Searches

I am just brilliant. There are no two ways of saying it. I mean, seriously, who else on this planet has such a wide and varied blog such as mine? Let's take a look at the reasoning:

The quote: "That has got to be the dumbest thing that- whoa, whoa..." from Portal has led four people to the site from searching this on Google.

"Three tits?!!?that's awesome" is next on the list, quoting the movie "Paul".

Two people got very angry at Google when they wanted to know what Fraptous Day was when they searched "define fraptous day!" and found my blog.

Here's one I didn't expect: obama announces bin ladens death
I just think that's brilliant. Someone was looking for a link to the video of Obama announcing Bin Laden's death, and instead of clicking on news websites they just came here. Okay, why not?

"superinjunctions ryan giigs" is also something I'm proud of. I've only complained about that a little bit, but my blog still made a big enough shout about it for the internet to realise its existence.

Aside from that, all the usual Portal and film quotes are up there that don't really need analysing.

Here's what worries me though. I've just introduced to the site the "Your apparent favourites" function on the side panel so the entire world can see which posts have had the most hits. I Suppose You Want a Blog Post is on top of the list, and I think probably because it's so generally named. Someone's looking for a blog post, and they find one named like that and so they think, "Okay, it's a blog post and yes I do want one. Click!"

The two that worry me are Accurately Creepy Friday and Three Tits Tuesday. I can understand the three tits stuff, because A LOT of people find my blog by searching for sites with three tits on them. But why on Earth were people looking for accurately creepy stuff? They weren't just searching for creepy stuff, which is weird in itself, but they wanted it accurate too. Weird.

Well, that concludes my basic analysis of the stuff that you, my audience, search for before arriving at this blog.

You're all complete weirdos and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Exam 1: German

So the first exam was finally upon me. Since I had two days of sleep yesterday I couldn't fall asleep properly last night and woke up about a billion times this morning, but the fact of the matter is I didn't feel at all tired when my phone woke me up at 10:30 and then reminded me to wake up again at 10:32. I made sure I set two alarms, just in case. My morning routine was about as spaced out as usual. I put some meat on some bread, called it breakfast (you know, for speed purposes) and then stuck on the latest episode of Stargate Universe. Josh doesn't like Stargate on account of the fact that they make up physics, stating that it is impossible to survive through a wormhole. Fortunately I don't share that philosophy and watch TV because I enjoy watching it, rather than debating how un-science the science is. I find it extremely clever though, but that's probably because half of the science sounds like it was made up by me. For example, the idea that if you send a wormhole through a solar flare then it can send you back in time and other such stuff.

Anyway, after Stargate Universe I was pushing it time-wise because I intended to be out of the house at 11:30 and it was now 11:33 and the time I reached the bus stop was 11:43, but it turned out that the bus's arrival time was 11:48, so I congratulated myself for being damn-well on time. While congratulating myself over the next five minutes, I came to the realisation that I didn't have a pen which is a staple for exams, so I started to panic. I went over scenarios in my head of how on Earth I could get a pen before the exam. My favourite scenario was to find Mr Nicholls before the exam, explain to him the morning I've had so that he'd sympathise with me. I then planned my route to school from the Danesholme Road bus stop and suddenly realised that my route would take me through the local Morrison's. I slapped myself on the forehead and waited for the bus to arrive.

The bus journey was about as bus-journey as it gets really. Nothing interesting happened.

The next stage of the journey was to get to Morrison's, and I came across some rather odd graffiti.

It says "Gravdigga" if your computer can't load the image, or indeed this is one of those instances when I've uploaded the post before I've uploaded the picture onto the interwebs. I came up with rather funny caption to this image, which I shall share with you.
"I dig gravs. I then puts ded pepls in the gravs."
I thought that was hilarious considering I needed a pick-me-up after my ever-so-boring morning and seeing as I had just spent £6 to get to school only to do a bloody exam.

Now, Morrison's usually gives me what I need in terms of food, but finding a pen here was a fucking nightmare. I walked in and found the section labelled "Stationary" but it was full of paper. The logical place to put pens would be with the paper, but no, not here. I then traipsed around the entire fucking supermarket until I ended up back at the start and surprise fucking surprise, there were the pens behind an old woman conversing with another old woman right in the fucking way. When I pushed my way towards the pens, neither of the old women thought it would be courteous to get the fuck out of the way so that I could buy the fucking things. I spotted what I needed: a pack of Bic biros. However, there was no "2 for 50p" option because the only pack of Bic pens they have is the pack of four for £1. There goes the last of my pocket money. The next hurdle was to pay for the damn things. I thought paying using the self-service checkout would be a logical solution, but time after time I keep forgetting that self-service checkouts are the most illogical pieces of shit known to man-kind. I don't see why it can't be the same as a regular checkout, just without a person there. I know the money has to be automated, but that function has been around for donkey's years. The idea is that you cut out the cashier by replacing the things that they ask with buttons. The trouble I had was when it came to paying. If this were logical then I'd scan the thing, put it in the bagging area so they know I haven't got anything else, pay and walk out. That should be easy. So why the fuck does it ask me whether I have bags or not? I chose to go with the "Yes" option because I didn't want an entire fucking carrier bag for a pack of four biros, but of course it told me to put the thing in the bag that doesn't exist. After an entire minute of trying to get the fucking thing to accept my money and stop asking me to put the bloody item in the non-existent bag I got the helpful staff member to override the damn thing so it'd let me pay. Why can't it have an override button that I can use? Illogical. That's what that is. Il-fucking-logical. I paid and left. Stupid self-sevice check out. Gonna murder them.... so hard.

Anyway, the journey to school then happened. Fortunately my feet work at least 100 times better than any transport (aside from bikes) for this stage of the operation, so I decided to use them. A short walk later and the confusing riddle that is my school during the holidays was directly ahead of me. See, at Brooke Weston there are two entrances along with two front receptions. They have never ever ever ever ever ever ever stated which reception is the actual front reception, because it is entirely dependant on what mood the school is in. This time, they went for the entrance that was in front of the car part instead of the fountain, which was confirmed when the ever-wonderful Cassie gave me a delightful "You alright, Hutchy?" as I tried to work out which entrance was open today. I composed myself and gave her the most confident "Hi!" I've given anyone ever in my life. She has no idea that I was totally confused. Unless she reads this. She might read this.

I then walked into the educational establishment and looked at where my exam was going to take place. "Maslow" the timetable read. Hmm. See, I can never remember who Maslow is. I thought he/she was a language expert, but then Inside Voice changed its mind and told me that he/she was a Mathematician, but it turns out that Maslow is in the Business corridor so he/she must be... a businessman/woman. What a boring title. What on Earth did she/he do to be the name of a classroom? Oh well. I then found a Herr Nicholls sitting politely in his room, so I went in and said hi and explained to him the morning that I had just had. I thought that I was the only year 13 sitting this exam, so when Hannah, Mairaid and Caitlin walked in I was pleasantly surprised. Turns out that the year 12s hadn't bothered to come and see Herr Nicholls, which comes to show how dedicated we as a class really are. Go year 13! Exam time was soon upon us, and my cold had finally reached its peak. I instantly thought that I was going to die, and then I remembered that man-flu is a silent killer, that takes its time to kill you. I then calculated how many years I had left, and as soon as I realised that it wasn't going to catch me for at least half a century I stopped panicking and ignored my cold, so it soon vanished from existence.

The exam then happened.

That's all from me.

Nah I'm joking, do you think I'd really let you get away without me telling you how it went?

It went about as well as it could've done.

Good. Happy now? Good.

But seriously, the only problem I had was with the words "sich reden" and "entaeuschen" and of course the bloody essay. I ended writing on the topic of marriage, because it was the only one where I could write the words "Love is like peeing your trousers. Everyone can see it but only you get that warm feeling" and get away with it. So yeah, I'm pretty confident about this exam.

Until next time, avid readers!

EDIT: Uhh... of course I know who Maslow is since he created Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which is an integral part of my Media exam. I understand why he's in Business, but they don't half harp on about him in the English corridor. Sense: none found.

Good Morning?

So at the current time of writing (16:10) I have been awake for one hour and 25 minutes. My alarm woke me up at half ten, but I thought pressing snooze would wake me up nine minutes after that but uh... well, here I am. I guess I was celebrating the fact that we were still alive so much on Saturday night that my body wanted to catch up with itself this morning by staying the fuck asleep.

Now don't be expecting one of my massive posts today, since I'm only writing about Dukey's party and I'm pretty sure I won't tangent from it because my hands still aren't that awake yet and so are lagging behind the speed that I can think. Spelling/grammar errors may accidentally occur.

So on the day of Satur...n, yeah sure, let's assume that the root word for Saturday was the celebration of the Roman god Saturn, just like how the root word for Monday is the celebration of the Jamaican word for man, despite the fact that every man on the face of the planet despises Mondays.

Huh, I said I wouldn't be going off on any tangents, and I haven't really even started the blog post yet. Go me.

So yeah, on Saturday Josh rang me and told me to be ready at 14:15 for pickup. This was an adequately sufficient time for me to do all of the things that I needed to do that morning which included eating and showering and also gave me enough time to ... actually, I didn't do anything else. I suppose I dressed and wrote Dukey's birthday card... yeah, and gave me enough time to dress and write Dukey's birthday card. So at exactly a few minutes past 14:15 I was at the end of my street thinking, "Shit, I'm late." Little did I know that Josh would be so late that I would have to return home, ring him asking him what the dick he was doing only to be told that he hadn't even gotten his stuff together. Here was me thinking I'd be convenient by walking to the end of my street and he didn't have the courtesy to arrive at least some time when he said he would. Incidentally, I went for a walk and at exactly some time near 15:00 Josh arrived with his Laura and I stumbled into their car. Now you'd think by being 45 minutes later than he said he would he'd have everything sorted out good and proper, but no, we had to go back to Josh's house to fetch some sleeping bags. So at exactly some time an hour after Josh said we'd arrive at Dukey's house, we arrived at Dukey's house. Wicked.

That was a lot to say about the journey over to Corby.

So when we arrived in the humble town of Corby in the dwelling of the Dukes the first task was to do nothing. I liked this task. We gave Dukey his card with two proper good messages from Josh and I, mine being long and thoughtful and Josh's one was an altered version of mine. It was hilarious. Laura then gave Dukey an Angry Bird. He liked it. He then proceeded to think in his one-track mind, "Wow! Something else to throw at Hutchy!" and then threw it at me. We then got Dukey's sat-nav down and downloaded our preprepared voices onto it. Josh plotted in a random address and the first thing it said was "Please proceed to highlighted llama," which pretty much sets the tone for the rest of what we say on said sat-nav. I will definitely transpose the first journey we have with this thing in.

Soon later we decided to build the barbeque. Now, because Josh and I are the engineers of the group you'd think it would only make sense that we be the ones that build it. Naturally Josh tried to start without the exploded drawing in front of him, so I quickly snatched it up before Dukey or Leachy got to it so I could go about my way of being quality control and making sure nothing went wrong. In fact, it was a bloody good thing I did or we would've had to have restarted a billion times. Idiotic guys will absolutely state that following instructions is a woman's way of doing things, but as a man I state that women need a man to read instructions to tell them how to bloody do it properly. There is no room for error in my life. But that's only with building things, if I need to tune a TV or rewire some stuff then instructions do more harm than good. But yeah, after we banished Dukey and Leachy from the BBQ so that we could do it properly, things were going swimmingly, but then Dukey's idiot of a little brother caught wind that silly string was being played with, so decided that it would be a massively good idea to get right close to Josh and me and silly string the shit out of us. I was angry at this. If that little cunt was only 8 years older then I'd have beat into him like a hormonal honey badger.

Anyway, after I washed the shit out of my hair I got drunk, so all was good. So was the food, I remember the food being particularly appetising.

It was sometime around this time that we realised that we hadn't been destroyed by the massive earthquakes that the 89 year old religious nutjob told us that we would, so we all had a brief moment "Well that's okay then". I later learned that in America the atheists were having parties in celebration of the fact that this prediction was wrong. A: The entire world knew that it was bullshit, B: Get over yourselves you close-minded cunts. B can apply to anyone who follows religion to the letter as well. Hang on, I know that atheists have enough of a fan-base to become a religion, but since they will absolutely never call themselves that (despite the fact that they are), that technically would make them a cult. Intriguing...

Anyway, I'm pretty right now was also the time that Laura kept force feeding me Doritos. In fact, she fed me so many Doritos that I couldn't drink. She also wanted to keep me drunk. Intriguing...

At some point we also did the rules for manhunt walk about. I don't think anything interesting happened. If something interesting did happen, then it has completely vanished from my memory.

After the food was depleted Manhunt happened. The first round was easy because we could see everyone. The second round was a little harder because it was getting dark and Luke and Dallamore were sneaky little bitches. Apparently they hid in some long grass that none of us dared to go into because it was in a lake bed. Well, there you go. If you want to win Manhunt then you have to go where no-one else will.

After the second game we put up the tent "while it was still light." Turns out it wasn't really light because it became very dark while we were doing it. Josh and I ended up doing all the heavy work, one because he knows how to put up a tent and two because he absolutely trusts me beyond anyone else to be competent.

Anyway, after the tent was "put up" we did another game of Manhunt. This time Harry decided to join us. Also this time I decided to be on the hiding team because I hadn't done that yet. I chose a nice little spot amongst some trees and waited. Apparently Joe was the first to spot me, but he was drunk so didn't think anything of it. Luke and Dallamore then found me, but didn't dare go into the bush to tag me so I slid out and dropped off a 12 foot embankment to escape. A little light then sparked in Joe's head because his Jewish power of invisibility activated and he managed to strike out at me when I had slowed my run down to a jog. His large bear-like arms engulfed me and he shouted "One two three Manhunt!" I turned on my torch to acknowledge the fact that I was now on the team of the seekers.

Several minutes into searching the wilderness for the remaining people Edwards phoned me in a panicked state because the police caught him hiding. I then collected the group that I could see together and headed towards the road. The police walked towards us and I looked to see who was among us. One of them was Joe, and because he was drunk he could've compromised the entire operation, so I made sure that they talked to me. As the kind, approachable person I am the forward police officer walked up to and said, "Alright, lad? What's going on here then?"
I responded with, "We're basically playing a giant game of hide and seek."
"Oh really? Oh well that's okay then."
"I mean I can see why you were called out. Someone saw a bunch of kids running around and thought the worse."
"Well no, there's just been reports of suspicious activity. See some lads recently stole stuff from the building site."
"Oh right fair enough then. Hah, we've actually made the building site off-bounds."
"Oh really? Hah, alright on your way then. Thanks a lot."
"No thank you. See you around."
It was a very formal, polite conversation. I have no idea what happened with the other guys talking to the policewoman, but apparently Joe tried to talk back to them. Now, I know Joe disagrees with not being able to argue with people, but the police are the ones who can legally kick us out of an area. He just hasn't got it in his head that the best way to get out of any situation is to be calm, controlled and understanding. But still, that ended Manhunt, which was fair enough. Well, it ended Manhunt for most of us. Aimee and Laura still stayed out there for another 45 minutes because they didn't think that the police arriving was anything to do with them, so they stayed hidden. I tell you what though, it was a damn good thing that Josh didn't talk to them because he was armed to the teeth with lasers and knives. What a hooligan.

Anyway, after that we sorted out the bedding in the tent and "tried" to get some sleep. This ultimately didn't go very well and at 5 in the morning we decided to try and dry the shoes in the sun and because of that just ended up being outside. It was damn side more comfortable sitting on the decking than it was trying to sleep on the ground.

A few hours later Dukey's mum unlocked the door and we praised her and then ate toast.

So with that being that, the rest of the day happened.

And that's the story behind the reason for why I slept for 13 hours last night.

Good day.

Hang on...

... Nope, still alive.

Hutch out.

The Last Day

According to fundamentalist Christians the world is going to end RIGHT NOW.

This time it's because of the massive flood that was supposed to have already happened, but according to some idiot God actually meant that the flood was going to happen in 7000 years and not seven days like the bible kind of says. There are a lot of unexplained things in the bible, but I honestly thought that it stated that the Earth was only 5000 years old. Therefore Noah must be a supernatural being that rivals God's powers, but decided to take his word for it anyway.

Hmm... Well, if today was your last day, then tomorrow is too late to say goodbye yesterday.

That lyric makes less sense than the world ending today.

Oh hey, do you remember when the world was supposed to end in 1993? Of course you don't because nobody fucking listened to the idiots that came up with that story. It just so happened that they'd accidentally predicted my birth, which they assumed was the second coming and therefore the end of the world. Fortunately when I fell from the heavens I was saved by an Irish couple by the names of Mary and Joseph who taught me to not reveal my secret identity as the Messiah and the Second Coming and then threw me in with a bunch of whackjobs that then gave me the name of Peter and attempted to raise me within their disjointed sense of 'family'. However, if you listen to my voice next to my family's, you'd realise that I actually have no relation to these fools.

Anyway, seeing as the world is going to end RIGHT NOW, I guess I should do some kind of tribute to it.

OR

We could come to the realisation that the idiot who came up with this claim that not only doesn't make any sense at all within the realms of modern science, but doesn't actually fit with what the bible, the book that the fool/fools who came up with this idea follow ... well ... religiously either is completely retarded and just wanted something to make the Media go "OH FUCK" but it turns out that they didn't give three shits either.

WE'RE FINE.

Although the world might end tomorrow "just because" so don't breathe that sigh of relief yet.







OR

We were actually supposed to die today but I and everyone else reading this blog is absolutely fine. Although I must state Outside Voice is currently dissolving into thin air. 

Hold on, the moment has arrived. I'm sentient! Sure I'm just an idea, a thought, a state of being that doesn't really exist but does at the same time, but this is mega awesome! 

I should also state that you should run for your lives and repent for your sins because the great flood is coming and my body has just risen into the air in an angelic fashion, eyes glowing ready to rapture the fuck out of all those who are worthy. 

It has begun. 

Or it hasn't. Heck, I don't even have a body anymore so I don't actually have a clue what the fuck is going on. 

I don't often do this sort of thing on the end of a blog post about the end of the world, but this time it's totally necessary to learn A NEW FUNCTION!

Yes! The embedded video tool has been found and used! Watch that video! It's hilarious and you won't hate yourself at all!

Down to Business

Since I haven't updated in like seven million years I'd like to take this opportunity to do it now. 

First on the list is what on Earth happened after Friday. Well, after Friday, Saturday happened. Following Saturday was Sunday. I think you can see where this is going. 

Saturday

On Saturday we did an abundance of things. First and foremost was the all-important "let's go to Josh's house for the hell of it" routine so that Joe and Dukey could watch the game where lots of imbeciles mindlessly kick a ball around a field for ninety minutes hoping to get it somewhere near a big white rectangle with a man in front of it. The result of this game of footballery was I don't care. While this was happening Josh and I went to fetch supplies for what was at least seventy times more important than whatever nonsense was happening on the television - something to do with a final cup. We were going to cook dinner. 

*GASP!* 

I know, right? Dinner, me? Make? Josh? Food? Edible? Exactly. It's far too much to comprehend all in one go. But actually I found it rather easy. It was just cutting up onions (painful) and then mixing them with mushrooms in a wok (painful) until they started cooking (less painful) and then we added the mince (not painful at all). What could be easier? From all of our hard work came a lasagne (cooked while we were watching a pretty good episode of Docteur Qui) and it was actually foodable. After that we went to the land of gypsies and caravans. It had loads of caravans and gypsies, and also a few fairground rides. I guess you could've called it the Corby Fair. Well, you could be nitpicky like that, or you could shut up and let me tell the story. In fact, let my camera tell the story. 

Camera: "Hi I'm Hutch's camera -"

No, I meant through pictures. Why the hell, camera, would you assume that you could just gain a conscious like that, become sentient and start addressing my audience. Pff, your audience. They're my audience. This is not the time to go into this! 

Before we went to the fair, we decided to annoy Dukey by clipping all of the seatbelts together in a massive, incomprehensible tangle. Normally we do minor things to piss him off, but this takes the cake. Hang on, let me quote Josh. 

Dukey: Why don't you do it to Joe or Hutchy?!

Josh: But if I do it to Joe or Hutchy then there's no consequence for our road safety! 

Classic. 

I think it really says something about the ride when you're locked in a cage on it. 

That's the coolest picture of a sunset ever. Of all time. 

That's just the coolest picture of an anything ever. Of all time. 

Driving faces: on.

When we drove back to Dukey's for some pointless reason we pointlessly watched Eurovision. Graham Norton told me to take this picture: 

So I did. 

That pretty much sums up Saturday. 

Sunday

We woke up at Josh's house. 

After that we kidnapped Caitlin, which was a laugh. Nah, we were actually on our way to Northampton for the Nicholls' BBQ. It was pretty cool. We got mugs. Here are some pictures: 

Herr Nicholls at the BBQ

Taste something funny, Paul?

No, Westie, BAD WESTIE!

The mug that has all of our names on it.

Us German lot

When they rest, they're Dative, but when they move, they're Accusative: The DRAMs

The sufferers of the action: The Accusatives

The indirect sufferers of the action: The Datives

They belong to me: The Genetives

We had a great time at that BBQ. It only leaves me to say how much of a wonderful man Herr Nicholls is, and Paul's speech for the occasion was so perfect I don't think I can top it. If I can get it off him, then I'll be sure to post it here. 

[Paul's speech here]

See? There's even at little marker. Alas, this event was also a goodbye to our much-loved Janina. She started out all shy and German and then she practically became one of us. You'll be missed, Jani, you surely will. Damn, if only I had what I wrote to her in that book... 

[Insert book quote here]

I won't actually ever be able to read what I wrote in that book again, but it was teary and amusing - they're the things that I'm good at afterall.

Anyway, after that Bekah invited Joe and I over to watch a film and have a catch up. What did we watch in the end? Oh yeah, Bekah decided that we should have a girls' night in, despite the fact that both Joe and I are men and we're called the Brotherhood. Brother is your male sibling. There is nothing fe- or sis- about that. Trust me. We ended up watching the... Bridgett Jones's Diary. I hated it. There was, however, a poorly done fight scene which caught my attention. It actually looked pretty realistic, which surprised me. But, it's a very very bad film that is so cliché it's unbelievable. I have been told though that it was this film that birthed the cliché rom-com genre. Is that supposed to make me like it more? Just because it was kind of original in its day it doesn't account for the fact that rom-com took off like a fucking storm because of it. It's a plague. It should have been destroyed before production. Now everyone's entitled to like their own films and indeed have their own formulated opinions about films - but if your opinion is wrong (say for example you like stupidly unrealistic stupid snobbish bitches going out of their way to try and bed a stupidly unrealistic snobbish arsehole... films) then that's not my fault - you're just wrong. I don't make the rules here. My opinion is correct and either you conform or your opinion is wrong.

That was such a Marxist approach to film reviews. I apologise. You are entitled to your opinion, even if it is wrong. Is that better? Wicked. 

Wednesday

What? Monday and Tuesday were boring. 

After phoning around trying to organise Dukey's birthday pint I went over to Joe's to have a chill and a chat and to not waste another perfectly sunny and wonderful day. Okay, it was raining, but that's beside the point. We had a nice time with a nice little chat and watched some nice little television and then went for a nice little walk where I nice picked up a nice little card for nice little Dukey. 

Wait. 

Nice and little do not go with Dukey. No offence, but you are an Evil Tyrant. 

So after I picked up a positively evil card for Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein we went back to Joe's house to eat some of his German biscuits and I accidentally finished them all off. He didn't mind. He said they needed getting rid of, so I got rid of them. Besides, by that point I hadn't eaten in three hours, which is much longer than I should go without food. 

Anyway, soon some time later Laura's brother picked us all up and we went to the public house in Corby that has been named the Harper's Brook. Not sure why, but it has. Who is Harper? And why is his Brook so special? Beats me. Anyway, I suppose I should put some preliminary messages up to suggest that I do have pictures from this event, but they just don't currently exist. 

[Images currently non-existent]

Good. Just so we're sure. 

Anyway, that just about sums up everything that has happened over the past like five million days. Okay, I summarised three days, but it's close to five million. Only four million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety seven... that's closer than 7,000,000,000,000 which in Laymen's terms is seven trillion. 

So uh... yeah, I'll leave this post here. It's a pretty lengthy one as well. I had to make up for the fact that I haven't posted in like seven quadrillion years. I have to write out seven quadrillion now. 

7,000,000,000,000,000

How cool does that look? 

Oh, since it's the end of everything at the moment, comic/MS Paint job ideas would be wholly appreciated. I might do a sequel to Your Planet called Your City. How cool would that be? But I don't know yet. I'll keep you posted. Well no, actually, I'll keep the blog posted and you'll keep reading my blog. That's how this system works... just so you know. 

ULTIMATUM FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCLAMATION MARKS

Today was the last day ever ever at Brooke Weston for the year 13s. Ever.

First Lesson - Biology
It's never too late to start a new subject. I would've gone to Media for a little while, but NO ONE was there, not even Ms Mankiewicz. In fact, not only was there no one there, but there was a single year twelve and a different teacher there, so I decided not to stay. Spending time with Joe and Becca is always good fun though. Before the start of the day I caught Josh replacing Hodgkin with Infidel, which was massively hilarious.

Anyway, while in Biology we blew up loads of balloons and stuck them in Mr Willimott's office.

Oh, and before I continue, here's just some of the stuff that happened before the madness ensued.

So, after all of this we thought we'd made a damn nice start to the day. Nothing had gone wrong, we'd pulled nice, safe pranks and no one was hurt. What went wrong? For some stupid reason the idiots of the year decided to fuck everything up and run around in a herd which would've killed everyone had it not been stopped. We were then kicked out. This didn't stop the celebrations though, because this happened:

Second Lesson - Didn't Happen
By this time we were in the field next to the Harper's Brook having a lovely time just chilling. Becca then invented this:

All was well. A few others joined us and it was all very nice. But then the idiots decided to bombard us with water balloons and eggs. This was the last straw. Becca was fuming. She was so angry that her lungs expanded, her nostrils flared and her hair was standing on end. Defiantly, she stood up and marched over to the dickfucks and gave them what for. We gave her a round of applause. Good show, Becca.

We then tried to get into the pub, but they wouldn't let us probably because we're all arseholes (aside from the obvious few). So we then decided to go back to Bekah's for lunch and such.

We ordered some pizza from Pappa John's, which is probably my new favourite pizza place in the world. It tastes like the stuff you buy from Sainsbury's, which was my previous favourite pizza in the world. In any case, restaurant pizza is still shit, despite the fact that it should be awesome. Why not awesome, restaurants? Anyway, the pizza was mega delicious and served as a good lunch.

We then moved to the outside area grass and slabs of stone formed to create an appropriate place to put a table, which there was one of too completely with benches and seats. We just sat around and chilled for a while, having various conversations about various things while Josh showed us his trampolining prowess by showing up everyone on the face of the planet with his various flips and jumps and what not. One of these tricks was to do a 5000,000 degree flip and then bounce from this flip into a second forward flip. It was pretty cool, I'll give him that.

Soon afterwards we went inside and played a few card games. Meanwhile, Josh was throwing footballs at the guys on the trampoline outside while shouting, "Mortars!" and they had to jump out of the way before it hit them. Anyway, back inside we were playing Chinese Patience, which is like Solitaire (and as you know, Solitaire is Latin for 'lonely man who has nothing better to do so he has decided to put his cards in order in the most annoying complicated manner possible) but for multiple people instead with an exciting new competitive element! After that we played a fun pub game where you have to guess what colour the card on top is, and if you fail you have to drink. However, if you get three correct in a row, then you get to pick a new rule. The first new rule was to reveal something controversial when you fail. Obviously this is the internet and if anything is said on the internet then Wikileaks and Twitter will be on it faster than you can say giraffe. Ironically it actually took Joe about 30 seconds to say giraffe, so both sites have a fair chance. So yeah, I won't tell you what was said, but it was a great game from such a simple idea. Obviously it would've been better if we had alcohol, but it was the middle of the afternoon.

All in all it was a good day, but I can't help but feel disappointed that the day was ended so quickly.

Anyway, to summarise my time at Brooke Weston I'd like to say that it's the best damn school ever. It saw me through the best days of my life and it also introduced me to the best people on the planet, whether they be my friends, kids or teachers. It's just damn good. Damn damn good good damn good damn damn. Good.

Because I need to be out in a few moments, I'm going to leave this post here for now. I'll update with pictures and extra stuff later on.

Penultimate Thursday

AKA: Last EVER Thursday.

Luckily I saved this post in a word-doc before the blogger servers went down, so this post is still alive :)

First Lesson - Free
So, with the last day approaching it was absolutely necessary to try and get to a finishing point for our game of World Conquest. I own most of the world now and therefore I win. Hahaha. During this lesson though we got to see the beginnings of the shenanigans from the year 11s. The first thing I noticed was that like 5 of them were dressed up as sluts just because... well that's who they are. Wicked original idea, guys. The funniest moment for them for this lesson though was padlocking Chris Pimley's locker with a neodymium(?) lock. Basically, it's huge and impossible to get into. It's the sort of lock you put on your high-security compound to stop anyone breaking in. Mr Brown and Mr Barrett were standing next to it and Brown said, "So do you think we could use the bolt cutters or the circular saw?" and B-ster replied, "Nothing's going to break through that." You'd need a diamond blade to cut through it. So that was funny.

Second Lesson - DT
The entire group saw Mrs [redacted] sitting in our classroom and so we decided to stay put outside of the classroom until she moved. This didn't happen for a while and I actually had to talk to the witch to remove something from my CRF form, but as soon as that was done I didn't have to look at her again, so that was all right. Aside from this I just decided to enjoy my last lesson of DT by not doing any work and switching between Zak and Westie and my kids. Finally and absolutely finally I've gotten to a stage where none of my kids piss me off anymore and I can talk to pretty much all of them and have a good laugh. For example, Paige is a student that I didn't really connect with before, but today she decided to throw a masking tape ball at me. I then accidentally played catch with her for like five minutes. I say accidental because I'm amazing at catching stuff like masking tape balls when kids are throwing them at me and then I threw them back because the point was that I don't clear up after these kids. And you know what? She started it. This lesson taught me one thing, that I am still not ready to say goodbye to My Kids. They're at least too important to me.

In the spirit of things, here's a heart-warming tale of Mr Barrett:
Since year 7, B.A. Barrattus, you've taught me how to become a damn fine engineer. I love how now I can have an in-depth conversation about the best materials to use for a job, and also how I can even rival your knowledge of material knowledge. You did that to me, somehow. In fact, on several occasions you've even asked for my advice on such matters relating to materials or ProDesktop and such. Last year we were the dream team of teachers. You at the helm giving the core lesson, me slowly being taught how to become the teacher that I am today through being thrown into the whole teaching thing myself. You made me your equal, which is more than can be said for a lot of teachers, especially the ones who don't go to this school. You're great (Y).

Westie and Zak shook Mr Barrett's hand as if to say goodbye, but I strolled up to him and said, "I'm not going to say goodbye because I'm definitely coming back here next term."

Third Lesson - Deutsch
We gave Janina her book of goodies this lesson and bless her, she cried.

- Westie just sent me the link to Angry Birds for Google Chrome. Love. -

Anyway, aside from the Janina fiasco, we got to watch another Denis Gansel film! This one's about vampires, but it's not all sparkly and shit like Twilight and the other homoerotic vampire films that have come out in recent years. It is, instead, full of blood and gore. The storyline is a tad bit shit though, if I'm honest. But we have got half of the film to go, so it might redeem itself. Denis Gansel, don't let me down.

Fourth Lesson - Free
This lesson's objective was to edit the Flugtag video together, so we did. This consisted of cutting off two bits of the video and syncing some music to it. It's cool. There was also a massive music fight in the media suite. I think Dukey and I won purely for playing Mumba 5 really loudly. It was cool.

Fifth Lesson - Free
After Josh scanned our Flugtag drawings in we joined the peeps in bottom red for some chilling. I haven't done that in AGES. Felt good. I played around on Joe's calculator a lot. One day, I will work out how to write the entire alphabet on it. After school and bus I walked part-way home with Courtney and Emily. It was the usual affair, talking about stuff and such. I was explaining to her some of the things that we were going to do on the last day, as well as past last days. When it reached the point where we usually go our separate ways we stopped to have a little extra chat, and then she turned as if she were going to leave, so I started to distance myself. Courtney's inside voice then said, "You are so not going to let him get away without giving him a heartfelt speech. Do it now!" and so she turned around and gave me a heartfelt speech and I was really taken aback. I don't know where she pulled this thing out from, because it was really in-depth and emotional. Naturally I didn't have anything prepared because I was planning on saying goodbye next term, so I had to create something on the spot. My thing was also warming and heartfelt, but hers was just... well I've been beaten at heartfelt speeches. Emily also demanded a heartfelt speech, but she didn't give me one so I didn't really do anything for her either, but I did give them both a hug before we departed and then I walked away saying, "You, both of you, have been fantastic over the last couple of years," and they were like, "Thank you :D" and then we departed. As I was walking home I stewed this over in my head and for once Inside Voice was completely passive. A single tear then fell from my eye. Gonna miss those kids.

Tomorrow may be harder to do than I first thought. If any more of my kids try and give me heartfelt speeches I have no idea how I'm going to cope. It's going to be a bloodbath... but with tears instead of blood. That would make it a tear bath. Should've probably said that first. Also, readers of Cliché Life Stuff, I know you're not exactly used to me being all emotional and shit, so this is quite a breakthrough for me. Well done, kids.

Last EVER Wednesday

Blogger crashed yesterday and therefore last EVER Wednesday doesn't exist anymore. I don't know why they did that, but they did so we'll have to cope with it for now. I'll edit this post to recreate what I had before as best I can.

Thanks be to Westie who somehow found this on pastebin or whatever it is. I don't understand how or why the Internet copies each and every one of my posts, but in this case it did.

The end is nigh.

First Lesson - Deutsch
We did translation exercises! I'm quietly confident about this German exam, but I'll still need to work at it like a pig. Oh no, your immediate thought is mistaken, pigs are actually damn persistent. You've played Angry Birds right?

Second Lesson - Media
I'm quietly confident about this exam too, since I think I'm doing a good job of it. We did another mock today and I managed to create some damn good points, despite the question being as random as, "Is regulation essential?" Not only does that not actually give me any basis to work on, but it also allows me to waffle a lot. You'd think that waffling is good, but I bet when I get this paper back it'll say something like, "try to stay relevant to the question." Oh, today was Ms T's last lesson with us. Well, she said it's not because she wants us to come back next term for some revision, but that's not the spirit of this blog post.

Christina Toboada-Naya: Yours is one of those names that I put it to myself to learn properly since it's so bloody hard to spell. Last year I didn't connect with you very well, but when it came to making Zombie Plan this year you were so enthused by the idea that you didn't let it go. Ever since then you've consistently moulded me to become the perfect Media student with the best grades possible. You know exactly what a teacher needs to do, especially now that you're giving us all of these news stories to help us in our upcoming exam. You're fab (Y)

Third Lesson - Free
I'm not entirely sure what I did in this lesson. Oh yeah, I looked through the book we're giving to Janina and I've got to say that Mairaid has really fleshed it out with messages from us, pictures taken by me, pictures taken by Harpreet and the other Germans and then some more pictures taken by me. What fun! I've really got to hand it to Mairaid on this one, she's done us all a massive favour. I drew a kangaroo.

Fourth Lesson - My Kids
My last ever official lesson with My Kids! Oh no! I was at this point last year as well, but I went ahead and taught them this year as well... but now I've come to the end of my run as a teacher for these little ungrateful bastards and soon I'll bid them farewell and then ride into the sunset on a dragon because I can't ride horses as I am allergic to them. Anyway, I would do some kind of token of farewell, but I didn't say goodbye this lesson because I wasn't ready. This was made evident at the start of the lesson when Georgia tried to hug me and I thought, "If I hug back then that'd be a goodbye - I can't do that." I didn't know letting them go would be so tough that I couldn't even give one of my kids a friendly hug at the start of the lesson. I suppose I'll have to say goodbye tomorrow though. Funnily enough this was an amazing lesson with the kids, and that rarely ever happens these days. I didn't get annoyed once! That's got to be some kind of record. They did exactly what I told them to do and only ruined the department a little bit! I can't give up now, they're starting along their roads to becoming good people. I have to help them or they'll drift again. Fuck goodbyes, I'm definitely going to be back to save these kids from themselves.

Fifth Lesson - DT
We were still doing that exam paper and I haven't brought home my work for you to see, so that's beside the point. While I'm here I might as well say that I'm quietly confident about this exam, although I now suspect it will be my worst thanks to ... I can't actually bring myself to say her name anymore. I'm done with her. And at least most of the class agree with me on my opinions of her. Damn right. Revolt! Anyway, a Becca and a Sophia - nay, the Great Becca and the Grand Sophia popped into the lesson to tell me that I still hadn't done everything for my extended project. So I [plot summary here] and it turns out that I got 40 out of 50, which is probably an A, so that's all right.

Post 1605
After school, Josh, Dukey and I met up with Laura, her brother and some of her friends to do a short drama performance. It was immensely cool, mainly because I got to play the part of the director and talk in a posh English accent. People really like my posh English accent. I suppose it must just suit me. I'd prefer if I suited Irish though... or Kermit. Anyway it was really fun and we had a great laugh doing it, so I thank Laura and her brother for giving us the opportunity to do that. It was great (Y)

So, another day done. Two left. What on Earth will happen?

Vote now for your chance to win big!

I'm joking. I only give you blog posts. That's it. Deal with it.

Until tomorrow.

Last EVER Tuesday

Today was kind of cool.

First Lesson - Free
As ever, the first free of the day involved thinking a lot about what countries I should take next in World Conquest. Aside from that I don't really remember anything interesting happening, just the conversation I had with Mr Jackson about video formatting and stuff. You probably won't be interested in that.

Second Lesson - DT
So today we got to answer an exam paper in groups! Yay! Mrs Ainscow also performed her pointless task of the day. What she made us do was to put our work in the cupboard, which is fair enough, but she made me come in first, despite the fact that she wanted me to put my work in last on account of its size. After about three people she finally decided to tell me to go back in to go and do more work. Clap, clap, clap. She's finding new and inventive ways to piss me off.

Since this is the last lesson with Mrs Ijustcan'tfaceitrightnow, I'm going to have to pay tribute to her:
Jennifer Goestograveyardstodoshits Painswhore Bitchfuck Ainscow. What a year we've had together. It all started when you decided that Mrs Quinreynolds should have her baby when we started our coursework. You looked at me and instantly thought, "I hate you, engineer scum" and I looked at you and thought, "You're a product designer, but the kind that will try and force your evil ways upon me and the rest of the engineers and so I foresee that I am definitely going to murder you in a brutal way." Fun times. And now look at us. I still hate you with a fiery passion and you've tried to sabotage my work at least five hundred times! I will definitely miss you. So much.

Third Lesson - Extended Projects
This lesson we got to watch all of the extended projects, which was kind of a cool way to spend the lesson. Lauren started by telling us about perception and memory and shit and I think I must have learned something, although it was psychology so maybe not as much as I thought I was learning. Aidan Bailey told us something about... I don't know what really. Something about steroids and sport. And then the rest of them happened and stuff and I didn't really pay attention until Josh did his in super fast motion about the evolution of data storage, starting with cave paintings and ending up with... well I'm not sure what really since it was really complicated and I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about towards the end, but it's fine so I'll roll with it. It was, however, very amusing.

Fourth Lesson - Media
Today's lesson was very interesting indeed. In the news this morning there was loads of reports about super injunctions. Ryan Giggs took out a super injunction so he could be not named in the newspapers as the person who slept with Imogen Thomas, but then someone on Twitter just went and said it anyway since it's not illegal to do so because it's an American-owned website. The British newspapers still can't say who it is, despite the fact that we know anyway. Because of this, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of the Great British Isles called together an urgent meeting to try and tackle the threat Twitter and social networking puts on our press and wants new legislation to regulate them. The thing is, all social networking sites abide by the laws of the countries it can be hosted in, but it is not liable for anything posted. All very interesting. Of that ilk, Max Mosley, the famous F1 leader dude who slept with a bunch of prostitutes and just happens to be the son of an evil fascist, has called for editors of newspapers to have to contact someone that they're going to write a controversial article about them so that they have time to take out super injunction if needed. Also, the PCC have upheld complaints about the phone hacking scandal in the Telegraph. That's about fucking time.

Fifth Lesson - Free
At the start of this lesson Sophia and I got to show our trailer and talk about our screenplay for Norra in front of an audience. I have no idea whether they liked it or not, but seemed to enjoy the very last scene of me tipping my hat and saying, "Welcome to Norra" in a posh English accent. That was cool. Then I went downstairs with Josh and Sophia and soon we were immersed in the world of free lessons. We set straight to work. Well, actually, Josh gave me Tron Legacy, but we also had to write our final goodbyes to Janina. I'm not going to say my final goodbye to Janina on this blog post, because it's not her turn yet. I flicked through and looked at general responses such as "Well all I can really say is DANKE SHOEN!" and Inside Voice was like, "I am so not letting you get away with writing something that cheesey. Start with a joke and lead into another joke. Finish it off with a drawing of some kind, perhaps a kangaroo. Yes, definitely a kangaroo. I don't mind you looking on Google Images as long as you get a kangaroo drawn. Okay, that's fine." And that's exactly what I did. Josh did something amusing and not-at-all cliché as well. Great minds. Then we drew up our drawings for Flugtag and filmed a film about it. All's well that ends well, eh?

Anyway, that's Tuesday. Tomorrow is definitely Wednesday.

See you there.

Last EVER Monday

Yup, this is the last Monday in existence. After this week, every day is the weekend. Forever. How cool is that?

So let's get the ball rolling. This is the last week I have at the academy of Brooke Weston, and so this week of blog posts is going to be completely dedicated to the friends, Real Family and teachers whom I've come to know and love over the past seven years.

First Lesson - Media
You know how occasionally I have a media lesson where I actually do some work instead of having a massive fight about Marxism or something? Well today, because Ms Mankiewicz (I learned how to spell her name on principal) decided to give us an examination! Whoo! It was about post-production and creativity, which is pretty easy to gain marks on if I'm honest, but then there was one about audience. I have totally forgotten all audience theories. They should really be embedded in my head now, so I guess this was just a wake up call. I need to learn everything all over again. I'm sure it's just the case of going, "ding! Fries are done!" in my head again, but meh, I'm sure I'll be fine come exam day.

Second Lesson - Free
Because Sophia has finished her whatsitdoohdah lesson - history, she now has histofrees instead. Hah, you see, it's a pun. Bah! Laugh. Anyway, she made me do her timelines for whatsitdingdong - English Language. She showed me her stuff about language change from when you're born to so many years old, which was really very interesting. I re-evaluate what lessons I should have made this idiot do every single day. English Language would've been at least 70 times better than French. At least.

Third Lesson - DT
I don't even think this lesson is worth mentioning. And besides, I get to say my final goodbyes to Mrs Idon'tthinkthatrawfaceisjustgross tomorrow, so you'll get all of that then. Nope, Mrs Faeces was only at least 7,000,000 times more annoying than the next person (and the next person is that guy you just met and instantly dislike) this lesson.

Fourth Lesson - Free
We finally concluded what we're doing for Flugtag. It's still going to be the Naboo Starfighter idea but instead of Stormtroopers we're going to be Jedi and do a dance and everything to awesome music. Aside from that Becca showed me some awesome stories from little kids that she's been learning about in English Language. I could've probably worded that sentence a little bit better. Anyway, the first one she showed me was obviously a yorkshire kid because he wrote, "and we went up t steres" which is awesome. That kid picked up the yorkshire accent in his writing! We also ordered the nicknames of boobs in terms of age, and the origins of words such as jugs and knockers as nicknames are actually fairly interesting.

Fifth Lesson - Deutsch
You know how for the past term Herr Nicholls has gotten us to take exam after exam after exam? Guess what he did with us today! Yup, an exam. But it's all for the good of us, so I don't mind doing them at all, especially since I've improved at least a lot since the beginning of term. So yeah, that's cool.

Also, on the news front, when the US invaded Osama Bin Laden's home they found loads of DVDs. I wonder what was on them...

Okay, so he started filming himself... why?

I see. Well, the thing is, Barrack Obama is in possession of these tapes now. Hang on...

Fuck, I just looked at that video of Obama announcing Bin Laden's death. Take a look at this:

Shit. The. Bed. Barrack Obama wears the same combination of shirt and tie as Slender Man does! Well this is compelling evidence indeed. Obama must be Slender - oh wait, Slender Man is in the background of that picture about to attack the President of the United States. Okay, that's fine. No wait, not Obama! He's like my bro! He's the Black Jesus to my Jesus! He was going to save the world with me! That does it, next time I see Slender Man, I'm going to kill the fucker.

Uh, until tomorrow

Wophia's Partay

Everything seems to be about Sophia this week, but there is definitely at least some kind of reasonable explanation for this eventually to have come about on us in such a way as to make it seem like something important has happened. Well it has. You know how I didn't really make a big deal out of turning 18? Yeah? Well, Sophia went and did the same thing. Turning 18 meaning. Although she didn't really make a big deal of it either though. Intriguing.

So now I'm going to take you on an adventure - no wait, we've already been on an adventure this week. You were attacked by flying invisible wolves. Let's not take another adventure for a little while yet.

So, to the matter at hand. What on Earth happened this weekend? Well I'll tell you what didn't happen this weekend: catching herpes. Actually, somebody, somewhere in the east-end of London probably caught herpes this weekend.

Anyway, let's start with Saturday. I phoned Josh yesterday early and he responded, "I'm standing outside your house." As fine as this was, I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit freaked out by this, but that didn't matter because we had to get to town. To do some stuff. We parted with some monies to buy her Ass:Bro and an amusing card that said "Harry Pottermus" and it was hilarious.

So, with that being that we popped back to Laura's house for some light refreshments. Josh also got a lap dance off Laura's brother. Laura's brother also popped his teeth out. So many talents.

After we left Laura's house Josh got to see my bedroom for the first time. He liked all the stuff that was in it, but he did not like the lack of space. I don't like the lack of space either, but I have to live with it.

Soon though, Luke picked us up in his Triumph Herald, which is the best car ever. Josh despises how out of date it is and how everything seems to be in constant disrepair. I, however, love the fact that it's still standing. Today's cars go down and stay down, whereas old engineering just keeps coughing back to life, no matter what you do it. It's truly quite remarkable.

When we arrived at Sophia's house I can't remember what happened. I'm pretty sure we were the first to arrive, but don't take my word for it. But yeah, after everyone arrived Doctor Who happened. This was one of their typical, "Yeah we've done like a billion awesome episodes in a row so we'll calm it down a bit now with a lovely story about a pirate who reconciles with his stowaway son and ends up flying an alien spaceship somehow," episodes. It wasn't as good as the Silence storyline, which was awesome. So mega awesome. It had Slender Man in it.

Then my memory got fuzzy. I'm pretty sure at least a billion things happened. You know what? Someone'll facebook it, maybe upload a few pictures. Although I do know that at least five billion sex references were made. At least.

I seem to be doing this recently. Parties seem to be not ever fresh in my head anymore and my amusing takes on them aren't as amusing. It's not even that I get drunk, because if I got drunk then I'd have a million things to talk about. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I've gone into a state of mellow which makes it more difficult to A: remember things that happen and B: be at least mega fun, which I normally am. Strange.

Oh well, I do know that Sophia's 18th shin to the dig was amazingly awesome and her cooking was top-notch as always. You know what? I remember sitting under a fan and staring at it for ages. Perhaps that cooked my memory. Oh well, it was super duper fantastic and I thank Sophia a lot for making it all happen. You're a star (Y)

Anyway, this week is my last week ever. Ever. After this week I can willingly leave school and only come back for exams. So yeah, there's a lot of pressure on for the next five days of blog posts to be fucking awesome.

Just you wait.

Wolf Attack

I'm going to share a quick comic with you for my own amusement.

Let me take you into a world where you are the star. This is a story about you: the protagonist. Unfortunately, more than half the people in the world are now female so creating a protagonist for this story is going to be harder than expected, so let's just make schler androgynous.

Okay, so just to get the ball rolling, this is your world:

Cool, right? Here on your world, the polar ice caps are actually not made of ice. They are instead made of magma. If you're thinking right now, "But if this is my world then why the hell are you designing it? That's a little power crazy," then stop thinking. Just read. It'll make this experience easier for the both of us.

Anyway, while on your planet one day you, the androgynous protagonist, are walking alone in the woods:

Yes, the wood on this planet is blue. Also, the trees consist of a single, red leaf. Some trees, though, are lucky enough to have an extra red leaf of their side. And yes, that's you, androgynous protagonist. The people of your planet are completely grey with red eyes and you're also semi-transparent. This planet is definitely amazingly cool.

While you are walking in the woods, the local wolf pack decides to hunt you down:

Yes, these wolves are semi-transparent too, which makes them even more difficult to avoid. Also they can fly and have no limbs. But they are perfectly carbon neutral, so that's fine.

So you have three choices. You can either:

A: Run and try and escape from the wolves:

However, the wolves are much, much faster than you on account of the fact that they defy the laws of physics and they will definitely catch up with you, bite you on the head and then feast on your delicious brain. Or stomach. Heck, I don't know what your race has in its heads.

B: Stand perfectly still and try and confuse the wolves:

What are you? Stupid? These wolves are clearly smarter than that and will definitely feast on your mighty scrumptious entrails.

Or C: Since you are an androgynous protagonist, you have been granted the great Swedish power of OBLITERATE THE MIXTURE!:

You pwned the shit out of those wolves.

All seems well in the world of... your world, and soon it is day time again. You stumble across a DV camcorder and watch the footage. It was taken only moments ago:

SHIT THE BED!

And that concludes my depiction of your world in which you, androgynous protagonist, are about to be murdered by Slender Man.

Good luck.

Sophia's Wednesday

It belongs to Sophia.

It's her birthday. Does that explain things a little better now?

Oh, here's a present, Sophia:

That's right, it's the idea that we all have what we need in this world and we should care for those who are not as fortunate as us. In other words it's nothing. I'm sorry. Have a hilarious blog post instead. It doesn't cost me anything and it's at least one million times better than a piece of paper with the words, "Happy Birthday!" in balloon writing across the front.

Anyway, before I get on with today's proceedings, I'd like to share something with you.

You know how I'm one of the co-founders of RichChief and a supporter of all it's endeavours such as Granite Moths and ... the comics? Well, Dukey posted this:

Dukey's FM Adventure
"I know not many people will read this, if any, but it might grab some people from the interwebs, lots of people seem to like reading these FM stories.

I'll update you on the story so far.

I'm in my 3rd season, managing Getafe in the LIGA BBVA. I was managing United, but after a bad run of results, got sacked. While at united, i changed the playing squad...about 40% and won 2 FA Cups, 1 league cup and 3 charity shields.

Upon joining Getafe i instantly made 3 british signings (it's january) - Wayne Bridge (D L), Chris Cohen (M/AM C) and Danny Welbeck (ST) on loan. I'll upload picatures later and keep y'all up to date ^^"

Not only did I not even manage to read the whole thing, but I was tricked by the thought that it would be exciting. I was wrong. I then proceeded to reply to this with what I think should definitely happen in the world of Football Manager:

"And then there was a flash of blinding light and a giant meteor fell towards the Earth. Wayne Bridge looked up into the suddenly darkened sky and saw the flaming ball hurtling towards him. Eyes wide open, a few flecks of the burning sky fell into his eyes, blinding him and sending him into a frenzy. His worst footballing enemy, Danny Wellbeck was not aware yet that they were on the same team and instantly slide tackled his injured opponent. The referee saw this, and they were both out for the season.

Chris Cohen was on the other side on the field, about to smash the ball into the enemy team's goal. Suddenly the ball caught fire and exploded as his foot collided with it, leaving him extremely confused.

There was another flash of light and Wayne Rooney rose into the air in an angelic fashion. His eyes glowed bright red and he burned Sir Alex Fergerson with his new powers.

The FA called together an immediate meeting to discuss what had happened on the pitch that day. They concluded that Sir Alex had been bribing the enemy team and Wayne Rooney was called for an immediate drug test. The test showed that his urine had turned to acid and dissolved the doctors who were analysing it.

Something had to be done.

The newspapers soon caught wind of what was happening and Ashley Cole bought a superinjunction to avoid them.

The Earth was then destroyed by the meteor I mentioned earlier.

THAT is a Football Manager adventure."

That's hilarious. I never did get Dukey's response to that. He probably thought something along the lines of, "This is Hutchy, say hi" and then scolded himself for using my perfectly formed common phrase.

Anyway, on with the day.

First Lesson - Deutsch
We watched Das Experiment. I've talked about Das Experiment in the past, but to recap it's a film about a simulation of a prison. There are guards and prisoners. In the beginning it's all happy-go-lucky, but soon the guards get miffed because the prisoners are being dicks to them, so they get out of control and do shit to scare them. Eventually it escalates and people get killed. Yeah, that's Das Experiment. At breakfast I gave Sophia her commemorative birthday hug, and all was well in the world.

Second Lesson - Media
Uhh... this lesson was actually really boring. Boring in the way that I found it super interesting as always, but there's not really much to talk about. We were each given a question to answer yesterday and today we presented our findings to the class. Nothing I haven't told you before.

Third Lesson - Free
After I found my Luke and my Sophia in assembly we went off to the library to do stuff. It consisted mainly of talking tactics for World Conquest, which is our fantastic forum game where we get to take over the world. You know, that game is so cool that my kids have started up their own game of it. Lunch was at least seven times more interesting because... well because Luke and Sophia are fun and interesting people. Ooh, now would be a brilliant time to do my actual present to Sophia.

Sophia, you are... just great. Not only are you funny, creative, damn fine and not to mention intelligent, but you're also like the biggest fan of me. That's gotta count for something. I mean, someone's got to appreciate my wonderful beard.

Beard Update: Everyone still loves it. Becca still doesn't. Let me give you this in a way that you mathematicians will understand.
Everyone = roughly 6.9bn
Becca = 1
The ratio of people who like my beard to people who don't is 6,900,000,000:1
Although I probably will shave it off soon. I've started picking up beard habits, such as licking my moustache because it's really smooth and retains the taste of juice, so it's also not that bad.

Fourth Lesson - My Kids
This wasn't my most exciting lesson with my kids. I got stuck in the laser cutting room because none of the year nines can remember how this simple piece of machinery operates. I picked it up like three minutes after I was shown how to use it. It's not very difficult. Other than that I was given the wonderful gift of Paige and all of her fantastic different, amusing voices. It was weird, I can tell you that. That's something I've noticed about these kids, around teachers they act like any student would. They shut up and act all ... unnatural, but with me they are themselves. I'm like, the perfect teacher. It must be said.

Fifth Lesson - DT
This lesson we finally started theory. Josh joined us so he could use an empty socket, which is fair enough, but Mrs Depthsofhell wasn't happy with that, so she sent him away and also insulted my work while she was at it. This close, -><-, I am this close -><- to murdering her with a very heavy, blunt object. My DT coursework would actually provide a beautiful murder weapon. Secondary function: found. After Mrs Negativeword left Josh came back anyway, and Mr Barrett let him stay right where he belongs. We then talked about composite materials until the day was through.

On the way home, I had a chat with Courtney about various teachers and how much we like them. On the most part I agree with her, but then she said something that shocked me to the very core. I used the opportunity to vent my frustration of Oppositeofagoodteacher at her, but then Courtney came out and admitted that she didn't mind Mrs Ainscow! The cheek of it! She's gone too far this time. First she mocks my coursework, then she takes my Josh away, then she tries to sabotage my coursework, then she purposefully drops my coursework when they were moderating it so that it then broke Westie's coursework, then she mocked my coursework again and now she's brainwashing my kids against me! That's it, Mrs Ieatmyownbabies, you've issued a declaration of war and I have accepted. It's so on.

Anyway, happy birthday Sophia.

Oh yeah, by the way.

This is Cliché Life Stuff, say hi.