Life 2.0

This is the first post posted after the post I made posting the fact that I had taken a German exam. Post. So this is why this is life 2.0, since we're all now totally free. Well, I say all, but Josh still has an exam hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Joe:"That's not nice, Hutch"
Me:"No I know"
Joe: "You're not a nice person sometimes."

Oh, and also that first bit was written before Salute to Stupidity 6, which you can view beneath this post. So don't try and go all continuity error on my ass. It's not cool. 

First off I'd like to talk about My Kids. See, yesterday I sent them a message on Facebook exclaiming that I would no longer be coming in to teach them, but I did say that I would be back at some point to say goodbye and good luck to them. 

This is what Casey said: 

"you'd best be back!"

This is what Bethany said: 

"okay :P"

This is what Harry said: 

"pppppppeeetttteeeerrrrr :'("

And this is what Courtney said: 

"I'm going to Madrid for residential, but if I don't see you anytime before that thank you for everything you've done and I'm sure you'll be missed by all of us although some people may not show it xx"

Aww. Courtney's message was even grammatically correct. It's like she knows. 

Anyway, I just thought that was nice. It's just proof that I've made a massive difference to these kids' lives and that they're totally going to be stuck in the mud without me. Oh god, I've made a grave error. I need to save those kids from their own and inevitable demise. Quick, to the Hutchmobile! 

[insert picture of the Hutchmobile]
Okay, this hasn't been done yet. Not my fault. 

And thus, it is finished.

[insert description of Leachy's party]
You've got it, blog.

Right, Leachy's party. Where do I start? We arrived there at... whatever time past 5 and were the firstish ones there. Oh, I remember now. It was funny because beforehand we were buying Leachy's presents with Josh, Dukey and Laura and they all got in Michael's car (who drives mega fast all the time for everything for no reason) while Joe and I got in Joe's mum's car which she drives using a "brakecellerator". We had to wait about five minutes for Joe's mum, so we were expecting to arrive about half an hour after Josh and the gang. However, we ended up arriving 15 minutes before them. Ahahahahahahahaha. Joe and I laughed.

Anyway, drinking soon started, and from this point on will no longer be remembered in chronological order. Some things I may miss out entirely. It's going to pretty much be the same deal as with mine and Tom's 18th. Okay, so beginning from the middle. I firstly - or secondly - took part in an interesting game of cricket. The stump was a tree and the bat was a large stick. Josh was up on the bat, and I was given the opportunity to throw. I asked the question, "So I'm aiming for that tree, right?" and a bystander said, "Yes" so I threw the ball in the cricket-like way I could muster (which while drunk probably wasn't brilliant) and it hit the tree. People were quite frankly amazed at me. Josh wasn't expecting it at all. I missed the next two completely but I then hit it again on the next try, so in all counts I was just as good at this game as anyone who was sober. Or not. The next - or first - game we played was a great game where you threw a pizza box at a target, and the person furthest away wouldn't get a shot. I was all for this. I lined up my shot, threw the pizza box and was nowhere near the target at all. Not even close. I was the furthest away. I cursed my luck. However, for the remainder of the game I got shots so I was contented. Or just very drunk, hell I don't know. Apparently I hug-attacked Josh's Laura quite a few times, but I would've had reason. Apparently many people tried to prize me off of her at one point, but I didn't stop. Josh then came in with a broom and then apparently we had a fight, which resulted in me getting a bruise next to the bridge of my nose that I didn't knew existed until this morning. I'm almost sure it was all in good fun. I do remember talking plenty of the night away with Becca, so that must have been fine. I should think I was more sober at that point (but forgive my memory - it's not on right now) because I don't think Becca is a massive fan of drunk me, which I kind of like. I do remember her and I dancing though, but she was leading and this confused me massively. It didn't make any sense. I'll admit to you now that I don't know how to dance, but I don't think that gives right for leading me. I need to learn how to dance in order to counteract this. The night happened and was all over in a matter of hours, because the last thing I remember is not thinking that the car was moving fast enough so I told Michael (Laura's brother) to put the "pedal to the metal". Apparently we were already doing over a hundred at that point.

I can draw only one conclusion from this: people like me when I'm drunk so therefore I'm not a good person when sober. People talk about my drunken antics as if they prefer me when I'm drunk. I've got to tell you something, that doesn't sit right with me. Mainly because for 98% of the time I'm sober. 

[insert something else]
Harpreet's Funeral (which isn't as morbid as it sounds) will be fine here, but now I've got to watch a movie with the Brotherhood plus Josh.

Right, yes, as I was saying. Yesterday or today or tomorrow (really can't remember when this post was published first) we all gathered together to celebrate the passing of Harpreet. She's passing from here to Africa in a short while, so we thought we'd all wish her goodbye and good luck on her trek.

Joe, Becca and I decided to walk the 4 mile stint to the local social gathering park. I have thus concluded that Converse shoes are not comfortable enough to do any sort of lengthy trek in. Anyway, when we arrived a small portion of the party was already there, because we were actually 20 minutes late. It wasn't as late as some people though, so it doesn't matter. A short while later Bekah arrived with the coffin cake, which she explicitly stated that she made while completely drunk and therefore had no idea what was in it. It looked fine though, so we were all very proud of her.

Uh...

Okay, my mind is drawing a blank, here. I mean, don't get me wrong, we had fun and we all had a brilliant time and we're all very thankful to Harpreet for putting this event together, but I'm just trying to piece together the bits of the afternoon together into a nice, blog-worthy summary.

My mind is so off today.

The first thing to really happen was to get the BBQ going. This was done with relative ease, so us men tended to it while Bekah organised the teams into teams and made them do some challenges. The first, from what I could tell, was a massive orgy between two teams while the other one judged. That's the impression I got when I looked over. Although when the clock stopped and Bekah started counting upturned plastic plates, I seemed to get the idea. It was one team's job to turn the plates over, and the other team's job to turn them back over. The second game seemed a bit more organised than this, and I actually recorded it for Facebook's pleasure. It still really bugs me how Google thinks that Facebook is a word and blog isn't. Anyway, yeah, the second game involved getting a load of water in a straw and transferring it to a bucket after a short series of obstacles. As ever everyone totally failed at it and they all looked ridiculous. Jed remained the only one to keep his dignity. Although I am certain that Jed's dignity is actually made of granite and is also contained in some kind of moth ... *cough* shameful plug *cough*. After this the food was ready for consumption and it was delicious. Harpreet made a speech that will also be on Facebook maybe if I can be bothered to put it on there which I never am because videos just take the piss to upload, but nonetheless it was short and sweet. The cake then got cut, and it proved to be perfectly edible and quite tasty so well done, Bekah.

Anyway, a short while and a lot of food later and it was time to play some football. We got out on the turf and we kicked that ball around like the ground wasn't soggy and we weren't all in constant danger of slipping to our very imminent deaths. Something like that anyway.

Soon later it was time to pack our gear and head off into the wilderness. Or at least to our homes. It was a wonderful afternoon and I thank Harpreet very much for organising it.

Anyway, just to quickly round the post off. We had our usual gathering of the Brotherhood on that evening of the 28th of June, and Josh decided to join us. Unlike others that we've had over to Brotherhood evenings, Bekah has actually said that she wouldn't mind him round again, so that's all well and good. Congratulations, Josh, you fit in with us. We watched a really interesting film called Capricorn One, which was really shit and cheesey. I did have to congratulate how thought out most of the film was. It progressed quite slowly to begin with, but the plot got deeper and darker at a steady rate leading up to the point that I knew was going to come and then it just went completely tits-up and the rest of the film happened. The ending was absolutely dire though. It's like the script writer died while writing the last scene. I imagine it would've looked like this: "and the protagonist runs towards the ceremony. Slow-motion camera for ... seconds and... then ... ... tell my family that I bleughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... [DNF]".

The reason I write this in was because the latest Marble Hornets had been mentioned several times, and as Joe and I were walking back I stopped him and asked:
Me: "What's that thing over there?"
Joe: "What? What is it?"
Me: "That thing over there look."
*Joe proceeds to clutch my arm*
Joe: "Please tell me what the hell you can see."
Me: "The big box thing with the little lights on it."
*Joe straightens himself out*
Joe: "Oh yeah, those. Yeah, they've been popping up all over the place. They're just things to tell you that you're going to fast or something."
Joe was genuinely terrified of the thing that may or may not have been lurking in the darkness. It was hilarious. I dread to think what was going through his mind as he walked through the various darkened alleyways to his house.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ENTRY #43 OF MARBLE HORNETS?!

Salute to Stupidity 6

Nothing is good enough for Dukey.

"Angry Birds in the sky but pigs won't quit" Peter Duke on that was pretty good, well done.

Joe: "What's a salute to stupidity?"
Me: "You've never seen a salute to stupidity?"
Joe: "Surely you asking that question is pretty stupid?"

"Me and Kirsty have been talking about doing it for the last week or so." Dukey on I shan't give context. Joe and I laughed like hell at this.

"Those are Josh's pants" Joe Hadden on those are Josh's pants

"You realise that when I get like this I write down everything you say regardless of context" Me on ahahahaha

"We have a machete, what can possibly go wrong?" Josh Hilton on anything can go wrong

Prof Farnsworth: "It's an albino humping whale!"
Fry: "Why do they call it that?"
*hump hump hump*
Prof Farnsworth: "Because it has no pigment."
Fry and Professor Farnsworth on the only television quote that has ever been good enough to get into a Salute to Stupidity.

"Infinite access is also the name of his favourite movie" Joe Hadden on why infinite access is needed

"Badger sex" My phone on there is no context. There just isn't. I don't know why I saved it on my phone. Josh must have said this at some point, but I have no idea why and I must have thought "I'll remember the context" but I didn't. 

"Pause it! It's too important!" Joe Hadden on the only game he has cared about ever; Plants vs Zombies

Dukey: "Okay now brake!"
*kagung*
Josh: "Did you not know that you had to put the clutch down when you brake?"
Me: "Yes."
Josh: "Well why didn't you?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Me on my first driving lesson. 

"But if I do it to Joe or Hutchy then there's no consequence for our road safety!" Josh Hilton on why he messes with Dukey's seat while he's driving. 

"I would still love him but he wouldn't get any lovin'." Maisie on what she would do if her boyfriend contracted an STD. 

Sophia Haden: Apparently my router is now refusing to let me stay on Xbox Live for more than a minute, just when I got Gold 12 month membership too :'(
Peter Hutchinson: The problems of all men everywhere now being spoken by a woman. Truly, the human race has come a long way.

Peter Hutchinson:
‎Peter Duke likes his games like he likes his women.
Calm.

Peter Duke:
  Got him, though i cant find the corpse...i swear bug corpses dont exist, either tht or i hit it so hard it burst
Peter Hutchinson:
  Moths are Jedi.

Das Ende von den Pruefungen: Deutsch

Richtig geil!

Erste Stunde - Deutsch

So with the exam fast approaching I started the day with a large breakfast. At exactly some time past 0947 I found me a Joe and we went to the German class to do some German. Fuck yeah. The logistics of it aren't very interesting if I'm honest. I did genuinely need to learn some stuff before the exam, so I did. I did it good. 

Zweite Stunde - Deutsch

So with the exam rapidly approaching we decided to watch some news. After we watched it through the first time Mr Nicholls put it on again and we translated it word for word. Wicked stuff. 

Dritte Stunde - Deutsch

So with the exam approaching faster than a cheetah on speed in a Bugatti Veyron attached to a Eurofighter and then broken down into protons so that it could be accelerated to near light-speed, we did a bit more German and then went for lunch. No one seemed to be deadly worried about it because seriously - we were prepared. I don't think there was any way we could've actually been more prepared than we were today. 

Vierte Stunde - Pruefung

So with the - oh wait, at this point we were half an hour into the exam but... whatever. The first thing I did was look at the essay questions and then write down my pre-learned introduction. Cool. When I ran out of things to regurgitate off the top of my head (about 15 minutes in) I turned to the German to English translation and did the shit out of it. That sounded weird. But it wasn't as difficult as I was expecting. I was quite pleased with myself. I then did the reading and writing section backwards, because I just was. This was probably the most difficult part of the exam, and I did all of it in about an hour. On the surface it looked like just ticking boxes, but the problem was trying to understand all of the German they were throwing at us, but I think I did pretty well. I then started the listening section and it was over in a matter of minutes. I don't what they did, but it was easy. Very easy. I then moved onto the English to German translation exercise. I'd left this because I thought I had to read a massive text and it'd be really hard. It wasn't. I didn't have to read a big text and the translation was easy. I felt cheated, almost. 

Fuenfte Stunde - Pruefung

With an hour left of the test I went back to my essay and wrote the hell out of it. It was going swimmingly, perhaps too swimmingly. I finished with twenty minutes remaining. I grew very suspicious, and checked my paper extensively to make sure I hadn't missed a really difficult question that I'd previously ignored. I was expecting there to be one, but there wasn't. At exactly fifteen minutes past fifteen, I felt cheated again. Every past paper I've ever done has required a huge amount of mental concentration, but this one just felt very calm and relaxed. Everyone felt that way as well after we came out of the exam. Maybe we're all just so good at German now that we now don't notice the difference between something that should challenge our knowledge of the German language and just every day banter. Or the test was just really easy and now the grade boundaries are going to be really high. Even so, I felt very good about this exam. And you know what? I felt good after the exam as well, isn't that right, [reda- wait, I promised I wouldn't do this again. And I won't. But seriously, that was an amazingly good exam to finish on, since everyone felt really good about it and there was just a great positive vibe from everyone. 

And that's it. 

I never have to go to that school again. 

Apart from to see My Kids. That's important. 

Next step in life: Granite Moths Season 2, the Zero-G re-re-revamp and the thing I'm going to prepare for my last every lesson with My Kids. 

Bring it on.

Hey everyone, Wrist here. After those three excruciatingly painful exams that I had to write I think I've become really hench. I'm all like "grrr" and shit. The left wrist just pales in comparison to my might. It's just sitting there, helping me type all of this out, but I've got all the important jobs. Yup, space bar, enter, backspace. The right wrist is where it's at.

I also just came up with something cool on Facebook:
"Freedom isn't free!" No, but all it took was 14 years of school, a shit load of exams and enough coursework to destroy a rainforest to get there, and now it's done. Yes!
And that is very true.

Exam Number 3: DT

Oh, this was fun.

First Lesson - German
Okay, so I was meant to revise DT, but I already did loads last night and the previous couple of days so when I walked into that room to get Die Welle off Herr Nicholls, I ended up staying and doing work with everyone else. It was pretty cool. Good to get some German in me so that the day didn't feel wasted on DT.

Second Lesson - My Kids
Okay, so I was meant to revise DT, but I already did loads last night and the previous couple of days so when I walked into that room and said good morning to the kids, I ended up staying and helping them do their work. [redacted] didn't half remind me that I should be revising. Apparently I "of all people should be revising for this exam." I shouted back at her with the retort, "I've already done loads today and yesterday" which isn't really a shout, but I didn't want to worry the kids. In any case, today was supposed to be my last ever official lesson with My Kids, but I'm really not seeing how that could be possible, based on the fact that it didn't feel very final. They all left the room as if they were going to see me again, and so did I. I can't leave yet. I am definitely coming back in week 8 for one last lesson with these guys, seeing as I'm busy for the rest of time up until then. The teachers seem to like the idea of me coming back for this thing that I'll be doing, so that's good. I'll start making it after my German exam.

Third Lesson - Revision
If [redacted] was complaining at me in the previous lesson because she wanted to teach me a thing or two about the exam, then I gave her the opportunity now. I say opportunity, but Westie, Zak and I isolated ourselves from her, made sure we got stuck into revising so that she couldn't intervene. I also learned this lesson that my DT group love me for sending them the past paper, and doing all the other helpful things that [redacted] failed to do completely. It's a warm feeling to know that I rose to the point where they were coming to me for help rather than [redacted]. Actually, that was the case at the AS resit as well, but this one was more important. I believe the words, "legend" and "really sweet" were tossed about a bit. So after fully realising that the only reason anyone in my group felt in the least bit confident about this exam was because of me, we went to lunch. At this point I stated my regret for not getting the group together to do a revision session like the three of us had just done, but Zak told me not to worry about feeling responsible. But since I was the leader of the Revolution Against [redacted] (otherwise known as RAA! Because you know, we're angry) I felt it was necessary to once and for all prove that I was a teacher who was one million times better than that whore of a bitch. Alas, I did not get the chance. I mean it's true anyway, but I didn't get to rub it in her face, and that's the annoying part.

Fourth Lesson - Exam
I was looking to give the group a little pep talk before the exam to raise their spirits, but [redacted] arrived and pretty much every one of us had something to shout at her about. That wasn't the frame of mind I wanted my colleagues to be in, baby-eater. We walked in and took our seats. The exam papers were handed out and then [redacted] left the room and everyone seemed to be at peace. The exam then began. I flicked through the questions and found the three most engineer-friendly questions and I had a damn good crack at them. The first one was about the ergonomic and anthropometric features that have to be included in a car's interior, and I aced it. The next question was about ... something else and I rushed it a bit. Oh yeah! I got to have another rant at the government! It was a question about how legislation is changing and companies are having to create recyclable products and I found the perfect opportunity to state that Germany is doing it right with drinks bottles, and we're so not. Oh yeah. I aced it. The following question was about finishing techniques for hardwood, mild steel, aluminium and a card drinks carton. To this moment I'm not entirely sure how aluminium degrades (I assumed the oxide layer that forms on aluminium is the degradation, but I'm not sure), nor do I know what they coat it with to stop it from degrading, so I went with galvanisation with zinc. Oh! I also got to use science! When talking about the finishing techniques for mild steel, I went with the fact that in order to effectively paint steel you have to have the bar positively charged, and the negatively charged pigments are attracted to it therefore sticks. I used the word ion in there at least once. So yeah, science. Then finally there was a question that I liked because it was about why manufacturers would use certain manufacturing techniques and I aced it.

Fifth Lesson - Nothing
At exactly 1457 I looked up as the exam was stopped and saw Mr Barrett standing outside and my heart was lifted. What a wonderful man to care about our well-being. At 1459 I turned around to a confused Emily and told her that we could go, since Scott was already standing outside. I stood up and everyone followed suit. I walked out and smiled at Mr Barrett, but then my heart sank as I saw [redacted] standing next to him. Mr Barrett asked me how my exam went and I said, "I think I did quite well," and [redacted] instantly retorted with, "is that quite well for you or is that quite well for me." The cheek, the fucking cheek. I've just slaved my arse off trying to get the best grade that I can get and now that it's all over she's decided to insult me even further. If I wasn't so happy that I would never see her again then I would've raised the roof with the amount of swearing that I would fire her way. It would've been cursing so fierce that Jesus would've woken from his eternal slumber and prematurely cause the Second Coming and the Four Horseman would turn around and simply be disgusted while they slay innocent human beings. I would've beat her so violently that it would've made Sadam Hussein look like a fucking girl scout. Damn it I wanted to. I so wanted to. I often make random people snigger when I state things like, "Morals? Morals don't count with [redacted]." I should've done it. I should've driven all of my stationary right into her heart there and then so that even the poorest of African children would hitch a ride to England, ring my doorbell and thank me for ending all that is wrong in the world. It's not fair that other people, younger and not as wise as I am, now have to suffer her tyranny. Anyway, that was a little depressing. After discussing how the exam went with my colleagues I found Joe and Josh playing Plants vs Zombies on Josh's laptop. I wasn't really expecting them to get to like level a billion seeing as we're supposed to be revising for our German exam. But hey, who am I to judge?

Okay, final exam tomorrow.

I mean, seriously, if your teaching methods are so atrocious that the entire class, nay the entire human race, hates you unconditionally, surely you should kill yourself? I mean, it would be doing her a favour, it would be doing us a favour and it would certainly be a massive benefit to the human race to be rid of filth like her. Like, seriously now, chavs have more of a place on this planet than her. Yeah, I said it. The lowest form of the human race is actually more beneficial than that witch.

Okay, I'm really done now. I'll finish it here. No more ranting about [redacted] from now on. But come on! Instead of "you learn something new everyday" it's "I give you a new reason to hate me everyday." Who does that?!

Okay, I'm actually done now. Done, done and done. I never have to see her again ever. That's it. Done.

Exam Prep

With two exams down, I'm in the final push towards utter and complete freedom.

DT
I currently have the feeling that this exam is going to suck more balls than the inmate in the cell next to you whose jaw is now permanently open because it locked when he tried to "juggle" six balls at the same time.

Mrs "She Who Shall Not Be Named" [redacted] tried to make questions formed on what she saw in last year's exams - in her opinion. The questions she has made are actually the questions that she's decided to make up based entirely on what she always rants on about, included fucking iconic designs, fucking product life-cycles and fucking KANBAN. I dislike kanban now. At no point did she decide that telling us about the other manufacturing systems that have appeared over the last fifty years, but you know, I guess we can just ignore those. So when the question, "Name three manufacturing systems that have enhanced the way we manufacture and distribute products" (I just came up with that - see, I can do it too) you can bet that we'll get full marks by saying, "Kanban, k-ban and k-bahn have all revolutionised the way we..." You'll see.

So I've decided to go down my own route. The only reason Mrs "[redacted]" [redacted] came up with those questions is because this exam paper only existed this time last year, and there's no way of ripping the Jan paper off the internet yet (Westie - look into that) so we can't get past papers. Or can we? I found a specimen paper with questions that are actually like what was in last year's exam. Shock and horror or what? I've found it amazingly useful and so I've sent it to my fellow DT student with a little note on how incompetent [redacted] "[redacted]" [redacted] is. Because that's the kind of guy I am - an awesome one.

German
I can't say that a whole lot of German prep is going on right now because I've already done thousands of exam papers. In fact, if I've missed any from the past seven years then I'd love to know about it so I can do it. So aside from that I'm just reading every ounce of German I can and listening to as much German as I can in order to speak and write in German. I still need to re-watch the important from Die Welle in order to re-acquaintance myself with them and then write a billion different essays about it and memorise - just like I did for Media. Although this exam is on Friday, so I'd better use the essays that I've already done and do more on top. Good idea, soldier.

Mr Nicholls has been great support though and has proven that there is never too much German to do.

So, that's my little rant about my exam prep at the moment, just so you've been updated with the important thing going on in my life right now.

Granite Moths - Season 1 Part 4

And there you have it. The entire first season of Granite Moths for you to see. I hope you enjoy it!

Granite Moths - Season 1 Part 3

Granite Moths - Season 1 Part 2

Granite Moths - Season 1 Part 1

Basically I'm going to post all of the videos from Granite Moths here so you can finally follow them in order. Wicked stuff :)
But before you watch any of these, you need to absolutely make sure that you watch Marble Hornets all the way through or none of what you see will make any sense. You should also check out the Marble Hornets Wiki while you're at it to acquaint yourselves with the theories. And then, once you're a die-hard Marble Hornets fan, you'll be ready to watch Granite Moths. Maybe.

Exam Numero Deux: Studie de Média

I had my second exam today. It was in Media.

First Lesson - Revision
I sat the fuck down in the Library and I revised the shit out of audience theories, narrative theories, gender theories, genre theories and then learned all of the dates of significant stuff that happened in the news regarding super injunctions. Fuck to the yeah. I then created a crib sheet of everything I needed to know so that I could know it.

Second Lesson - My Kids
I wasn't prepared to be tolerable of my kids this lesson, on account of the fact that reading for an hour about stuff that I already knew but also -

IT'S FUCKING CULTIVATION THEORY

- I was still recovering from the awful night's sleep I had for the past two days because of the bloody dog half a mile away that doesn't stop whining. If I knew where it lived then I'd help it. Wait, that sentence is a bit fragmented. Yeah, these things made me insanely tired, and so I absolutely did not put up with any of Umat's crap today, simply resorting to shouting at him every time he attempted to say something or do something to someone. But yeah, today was officially Blue Thursday because Courtney said so, so she was at least happy at that. Oh, I should mention that I wore a blue shirt. I spent a good portion of time with Casey because she was alone at her table which meant peace for me to revise a bit. All in all though I had a generally nice time telling off the kids occasionally and generally being impatient with them, but if they were nice to me then I was nice to them, so basically I was absolutely fine if I stayed with either Courtney and her surrounding friends or Casey.

Third Lesson - Exam
Christ this exam was awesome. Like, you know how exams are usually dull and boring and massively destroy every inch of your concentration and murder your brain cells to the point of no return? Yeah, well, this exam pushed my knowledge a bit, but it also unleashed a beast within me. I'll explain that later. First I'd like to talk about the very second thought I had in the exam, which was my wrist going spazzy because I haven't really written in a while. It was like, NOOOO! Wait, I have an amazing idea.

Wrist: NOOOOOO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!
Inside Voice: ...and my production shares these conventions...
Wrist: Holy fuck no! I can feel myself tearing apart! Recoil, recoil!
Outside Voice: *sharp intake of breath*
Inside Voice: Hey, wrist! Get that pen on the paper and start writing!
Wrist: But it hurts!
Inside Voice: Do it!
Wrist: Okay...
Inside Voice: ... I think that my use of real media texts...

So yeah, pretty cool.

Fourth Lesson - Exam
As I said, this exam was cool. I got to talk about junk and stuff to do with media regulation and how the governments of the world are just shit. It was cool. Like, imagine an exam where you could do one of your daily rants about how shit the government is and how this super injunction thing is ridiculous and all that in an exam. That's pretty damn amazing.

Fifth Lesson - Nothing
For the most part of this lesson we were walking around pissing people off. On a lap a kid dropped his books into me, which was kind of weird. Because he kind of threw them, I didn't help pick them up because I had no responsibility. On the next lap or two, the same kid found some friends and dropped the books again in front of us, so we continued thinking, "what the fuck?" On the lap after that, they dropped them again, so Josh stole some of it and they were annoyed at us. It was their own damn fault. We theorised that it was an experiment to see if people are dickheads or not. Congratulations, idiots, you have successfully concluded that 100% of the population is full of complete dickheads. Anyway, after that we just sat down and Josh talked about his antics with Jehovah's Witnesses. If I wasn't too tired to remember them, then I'd remember them and post them. Maybe I'll do a post about it later.

Anyway, today was pretty cool, as you've surmised. Mr Barrett and Mrs Wright both loved the idea of me coming back in week 8 to do a one-off with the kids to say goodbye and good luck to them, so that'll be interesting.

Now, imagine if you will a slice of bacon. Now imagine a pack of bacon. Now imagine if those slices of bacon had never been seperated so were still just a big slab of meat. That's what I had for dinner. It was fucking delicious.

Also, when I was in Sainsbury's earlier I met the love of the-time-I-was-in-Sainsbury's. She was just perfect. She was pretty, had barely any make-up on, naturally straight hair that obviously hadn't been straightened and she was just... well, I fell in love. And then her boyfriend walked up. Somehow I wasn't disappointed that I would never have a chance to hit on this amazingly awesome girl, probably because the guy looked like just about the most awesome person ever. The person I had just met was a Mod. Joe will appreciate this. He may have been the King of the Mods. Not just some plebian like the Mod wolves, but like he was a Mod. How cool is that? I didn't think that they existed outside the Mighty Boosh, but they really do. This is exactly why I wasn't jealous that I couldn't have this woman, because clearly I can't compete with such a guy.

Anyway, that's it from me. See you when I see you.

P.S. I should really explain why I shouted Cultivation Theory earlier. I'd forgotten what it was called in the exam, and so I've been trying to remember all day what it was, and I have just finally remembered. Cool story, huh?

If Shrek were Politically Correct

Hey there, Inside Voice here. 

I've been trying to think for some time now what fairy tale I could make politically correct next, but Snow Caucasian and the Seven Vertically Challenged but Otherwise Perfectly Normal Individuals just worked so perfectly that I can't really think of anything that compares. But then I had a thought. What contemporary movie combines all fairy tales into one huge fairy tale that was given two sequels too many? Yeah, Shrek. 

Shrek was either male or female, but it doesn't matter because we don't judge people for it. It also doesn't matter what Shrek looks like nor where Shrek lives. Shrek probably got on well with people, but I suppose Shrek may have had a few arguments, but we won't point them out because that would be wrong of us to do so and would also be infringing on Shrek's privacy. What Shrek got up to in Shrek's own personal time was Shrek's own business.

However, on this special occasion we've been given special rights to conduct an investigation into what Shrek got up to in Shrek's last adventure. A tale of an androgynous sentient being in distress reached Shrek's ears, and the Very Important Individual of Power approached Shrek and asked Shrek if Shrek would like to help the VIIoP, and Shrek agreed to take equal part in the task.

The VIIoP then left Shrek to do things how Shrek wanted to do them, but Shrek insisted that this was much the VIIoP's task as it was Shrek's, but the VIIoP was being a little racist towards the VIIoP's self and absolutely claimed that Shrek was up to the job. Eventually Shrek agreed (despite Shrek not liking the idea of claiming superiority over an equal being) and he rode to a large house that was surrounded by fire and lava and shit, and so was actually quite normal (because you know, everything is normal. Everything is average. Nothing is exemplary). There was a dragon in front of Shrek, blocking the path, so Shrek had a very polite conversation with the beast and after a lengthy talk the dragon let him past. A donkey then a relationship with this dragon, but that's more of a subplot.

Wait, if I say something is a subplot, is that technically racist towards subplots? In fact, isn't the term racist a bit... un-PC? The tale of the donkey and the dragon who had a relationship and produced many donkey-dragon offspring is as much of important as the tale of Shrek and as important as the tale of the VIIoP, but shall only be mentioned sparingly during this story because of time-constraint issues. This is the same reason as to why I won't bother telling you the tale of the VIIoP, nor the tale of the androgynous sentient being in distress.

Anyway, Shrek reached the chamber of the androgynous sentient being in distress and she/he told the story of how the dragon was extremely un-PC towards her/him and locked him/her in this tower.

Christfuck this is hard.

Shrek then assisted the androgynous sentient being in distress, whose name Shrek learned to be Fiona, in escaping from castle where Fiona was kept in a very un-PC way.

I suppose un-PC should be PinC, because it's politically incorrect, and not unpolitically correct. Fuck it, this is a PC society that we live in, so it can be either! 

The couple then helped each other back to the house of the VIIoP and the VIIoP then asked Fiona to marry the VIIoP. Fiona politely declined and asked Shrek if Shrek wanted to marry Fiona and he accepted. This was absolutely normal.

Shrek and Fiona then invited all of their beings of undisclosed relation to an undisclosed event to celebrate. All was absolutely normal.

Sometimes, I suppose it was a good thing that Walt Disney was a racist Nazi. But only in this particular circumstance. Who the fuck thought political correctness was an average idea anyway? It's just absolutely normal. Oh wait, I don't have to be PC anymore. Fuck political correctness, fuck you, fuck racism and fuck society's attempts to create one social etiquette. Hitler tried to do that. Do you want to be like Hitler? Why not? That's rather PinC of you. I KNOW HITLER WAS AN AWFUL AWFUL PERSON. I was just making a point.

Anyway, that's all from me. See you on the flip-side. 

Salute to Stupidity: Inventions Special

These are some pretty cool designs and inventions that have no place in the real world.

This is the THUMBTHING which is pointless. I don't know about you, but I can hold my book open with just one hand anyway. Sure it requires a bit of hand rearranging, but I sure as hell can do it. Also, look at the price. £8.76 for FOUR?! That's ridiculous! A sheet of A1 acrylic isn't even that much. I could make 100 of them for the same price. Personally I would market them at 25p each, because that's what they're actually worth. No wait, sorry, they're worth nothing because they're a pointless investment. DON'T BUY IT.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That person looks ridiculous! Are you tired of carrying oodles of tissues in your pockets? Do you wish that you could look insane in public? This solves both problems! Pff... pff.. HAH! I can't get over it.

It's an ear extender! Forget hearing aids. Forget dignity. This is where it's at.

Why is there a massive fabric vending machine? And why does it have feet? Wait a minute. Shirley, is that you?

Stupid but insanely cool. Personally I think it's a really good idea. But why not go the whole hog and give it little cleaning gloves and tiny cleaning shoes? Don't want the baby smudging up the floor with its grubby fingers now, do we? In fact, staying along that ilk, give it a little cleaning muzzle as well, just to get absolute efficiency from your tiny cleaning Asian.

Not worth the money, but again it looks quite cool. I would've said that this was an American invention (the nation of spray-on cheese) but that hand is distinctly Japanese. Hmm... Well, can't complain. It is stupid though.

The idea of this is that it cools down your noodles before they reach your mouth, but it would actually just make your entire meal cold. Figure it out, Japan. It won't work.

It took me at least five minutes of staring at this image to try and work out what it was. And you know what? I still couldn't work it out. As far as I can tell it's just a device for making you look like an idiot while you eat. No wait, I've just looked at the article and it states that it's for keeping your hair out of your food while you eat. You know what else does that? Tying your hair back, you MORON.

Ever felt like J-walking but was too worried about the legal issues? Well now you can break the law even further! This is a portable pedestrian crossing, which halts traffic while they wait for you to unravel your crossing, and then have to wait for you to cross, and then have to wait even longer for you to fold it back up again. I know, right? It's insanely cool! You wouldn't be arrested for this at all.

MORON.

This shirt is designed so people can scratch your back in the perfect area. First you obviously have to learn the grid entirely so you can tell your friends where it itches, but other than that it's actually just pretty cool. If you have the patience for this shirt, I'd say it was worth it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. MORON.

Wow! Laser-guided scissors! It doesn't really make you more accurate, it just looks cool.

This. Is. The. Coolest. Thing. Ever. Of all time. Do you remember when pocket knives used to fit in your pocket? I know! That feels like ages ago now. This is the ultimate in car-fixing, war-fighting, sewing, grooming, bike-fixing, lid-lifting, crime-solving, stabbing, tiny sawing and screwing! In fact, that is not the entire list. It has like one million different blades on it, along with a screw driver set and OMG. It has an Alan-key. Fuck me that's cool. However, if you were to even try holding this you'd probably lose a finger so its function is actually very limited since it's damn-near impossible to pick up. If you've got £400 to spare then buy it. Buy it immediately.

Right, that does it here from the team at Cliché Life Stuff. You know, the team of two consisting of Outside Voice and Inside Voice. He's been quiet recently, but he did gain sentience when the world ended so he's gone off on a little holiday.

Today Was Pretty Cool

Yes, blog title, it was.

First Lesson - Deutsch
As the exam approaches we took a rather laid back approach to the German revision stuff that we do. Once again we did translation exercises, but this time from German into English. Since we were doing a specimen paper the text we were given was stupid and not for the faint hearted. It wasn't difficult as such, it was just the way they threw uncommon and down-right ridiculous German words at us, like ... well that's the thing, I don't know. We learned a lot though, and at the end of the day that is the only thing that counts.

Second Lesson - Media
For the most part I was talking to Natalie and Charlotte in the Media Suite because Miss T was up in top blue chatting to Miss Nicholson about her problems, which is fair enough. They're like best buds. Near the end of the lesson though, Miss T went through the past paper I did with me and now I'm at least 80% more confident about the upcoming exam. At first I was worried because I hadn't as of yet produced any papers that were of an A grade, and she gave me a B for the first section (with good reason - I totally cocked up) and got 39/50, but for the second section (which is the media and institutions part - the part where I get to rant about super injunctions and idiots who use the internet) I got 44/50, which pitted my total mark as 83. That is the exact mark I need to get an A overall in Media, so if I just do a little better on the day then that's my A secured. Fuck to the yeah. Who knew that ranting about super injunctions and claiming that the privacy laws should be changed would get me a high grade? I mean that's just fine. I can complain all day about super injunctions - both the good and the bad. Mainly the bad. I can also rant forever about idiots who use the internet, and idiots who think they can control the internet (*cough* the government). It'll be fun on the bun.

Third Lesson - Nothing
I basically caught up on the news, nothing new about super injunctions but the people of Syria have raised arms (not biological arms, I mean guns and shit arms) against their government, turning the peaceful campaigning into a civil war (almost). So yeah, that was interesting to read about. I also read a book this lesson. Pretty interesting. Nothing really mega exciting to report though.

Fourth Lesson - My Kids
Fun this lesson was. Unfortunately the kids are at the boring stages of their projects where they don't really need my help because they're just designing shit. The Can Crushers have started making card models (whey!) and the Sustainabilityers are still doing fucking design ideas. I mainly stayed with the sustainability project group because they're just more interesting. Paige is continuing her escapade of throwing stuff at me and everyone around her, which I get a lot of fun from, and Casey told me about how she didn't have time to wash her hair or put on make up this morning, which is why she looked different but didn't seem at all phased by it and just took it in her stride which I like, Harry was being perpetually annoying and I made this very apparent and Courtney carried on her streak of turning and smiling at me at any given opportunity which does get a bit awkward after the fifth time, but whatever - it's cute. I also finally revealed Granite Moths to the kids, because they were wondering why on Earth I would ever need to climb something and then fall off it again and now Harry has said that he's going to follow it, despite the fact that I explicitly explained that they wouldn't understand it since it is a parody. Oh well, it was a fun lesson nonetheless.

Fifth Lesson - Snakes Alive
This lesson was actually kind of boring. The year 8s are so so so so so so boring. I thought they'd be like My Kids were last year, but they're actually really boring. Like seriously boring. I think it's because I only got to know a few of them, and those few don't really make up for the fact that there is an entire half of a year to look after. They'd gotten down to making the bits for the snakes, and naturally Emily used her charm to lure Adrian (the new me as it were) into doing some of her work for her. Oh Adrian, still such an amateur. Much to learn you still have. You dick. Still, it's better than doing nothing, so what the hell?

That was today. I told you it was pretty cool. Need to think of something to do for my last lesson with My Kids... I'll have to go into thinking.

P.S. According to Bekah this page about Joe getting drunk is absolutely fucking hilarious. See, Joe hates pictures of himself, so this post must be an absolute nightmare for him. Especially since it has now been upgraded to one of the most viewed posts on my blog. You're so welcome, sunshine.

For All Of You Gamers

Since I'm in the middle of A-Level revision right now, and the popular gaming festival E3 is on today, I decided to take a ganders at what was going on. Unfortunately it's probably going to last all day, seeing as it started only a few hours ago and is still happening right now, but the guys at RoosterTeeth are doing a Live blog of the event and I've learned several things:

Kinect is going to become amazing. Apart from all the silly sport games they're going to be releasing, they've added 3D mapping to the table. Now you know in Iron Man how Robert Downy Jnr can create 3D models by just flailing his arms about a bit? Yeah, it's exactly like that - but not. Unfortunately we're not there yet. But you can take a picture of an object using Kinect and then it'll create that object in 3D on your TV screen. It can also take a picture of you and create an avatar based on what you look like, so you won't have to spend pointless hours scrolling through all of the options trying to create something that looks like you. Kinect are also bringing out 3D drawing, so you can stand in the middle of your room, wave your arms about a bit and it'll draw on-screen how you drew yours in real life. So if you wanted to draw a box that you will then be inside, it'll do it. It sounds pretty cool.

Tom Clancy hasn't stopped his tyranny yet and is bringing out Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Future Soldier. Wait, that sounds exactly the same as the other two games. But it's not! In true Tom Clancy fashion, voice commands (through Kinect) will be available along with fully customisable weapons. Yeah, that sounds pretty cool. Aside from the voice commands, they won't work at all. Neither will shooting with Kinect, unless you actually have a gun.

Keeping with shooters, we now know more about Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 which will have customisable weapons (as ever), another bloody boat chase scene, voice commands and Kinect shooting. Same deal as Ghost Recon.

Still keeping with shooters, nothing new has really been said about Gears of War 3 apart from the release of new trailers which will hopefully be online soon. These videos absolutely confirmed that we will be able to use mech suits (called Silverbacks) in the new game and there are also giant squid things (the Lambent - for those of you familiar with the series) that pop out of the ground and murder your face off. Must say I'm really looking forward to this more than any other game this year. No mention of Kinect (thank god).

Minecraft! Yep, it's coming to the Xbox with... yeah, Kinect! Wow! Now instead of mashing a button to dig to the centre of the Earth you'll have to wave your arm about! A lot! I was under the impression that there already was Minecraft for the Xbox under a different name and very cheap, but if I'm wrong I'm wrong.

YouTube and Bing are coming to Xbox Live (unsurprisingly) to make trips to the laptop less frequent. Hopefully with the Dashboard revamp they'll get rid of the bastarding Zune Player that slows down the entire console to a snail's pace while you try and boot it up. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the old Xbox Live video thingy, mainly because it worked, but Zune is just an unnecessary extra program that is also shit.

As we all know the Halo franchise has been moved over to Microsoft, and we all though that Halo:Reach would be Halo's swan song. It still kind of is. The first Halo game I owned was Halo 2, so before I got Halo 3 I decided to play Halo: CE. My only complaint was that Halo: CE was fucking awesome, but the whole thing seemed well past its sell-by date and Halo 3 was a vast improvement. At the time I knew Halo was going to live forever, seeing as Halo Wars and Halo 3 ODST were on their way, and I thought it would be an amazing idea to put Halo: CE into Halo 3's engine and revamp the campaign so the second half didn't seem exactly the same as the first half but in reverse order. So, the gods of Microsoft have answered my call and in Autumn 2011 Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary will be on our shelves with Halo: Reach's engine, hopefully the weapons and a better campaign to go with it as well. That'll be awesome.

Okay, I lied about Halo: Reach being Halo's swan song. Halo 4 is hitting the shelves in Autumn 2012. You know, Halo 4 meaning Halo 7. You know when Halo 3 ended with that massive cliffhanger where Master Chief is in the back end of a ship? Yeah, it gets attacked and now he has to fight. Nothing aside from that.

So if you're not a gaming fan and have been massively disappointed with this post, then I apologise.

Oh yeah, Fifa is going to have Kinect integrated. Somehow. Kinect is also going to have GOLF! FUCK YEAH! GOLF! I KNOW RIGHT!

Well done, Microsoft.

For those looking for Halo 4 stuff, here's the trailer:
http://uk.ign.com/videos/2011/06/06/e3-2011-halo-4-e3-teaser-trailer
Apparently they're releasing a trilogy on it. So yeah. Look forward to it.

Almost forgot to say that there's a new Star Wars game coming to Kinect. Doesn't look amazing judging by comments.

Okay, since then I've watched both the EA and the Ubisoft conferences and I can deduce these things:

EA are going to make so many sports games that you'll be crying through your teeth. Same as every year really.

EA are also releasing Battlefield 3, which looks like just about the best shooter ever of all time. I must admit this is almost solely based on the graphics and animation engines, but still, it looks fucking awesome. I'll withhold details for Dukey's sake since he needs to catch up.

The only thing worth talking about with Ubisoft is of course the new Assassin's Creed Revelations in which you follow the story of Ezio and Altaier once again to defeat the Templars. What looks good about this game is that there's Desmond's story happening but he's in a coma this game so it doesn't really matter, and then there's Ezio's story in which he's trying to stop the Templars somehow and to do that he somehow accesses the memories of his ancestor Altaier to help him. No idea what Altaier's story is about though, probably something else to do with defeating the Templars as this game is all about anyway. But still, massive graphics improvement, combat system doesn't look as easy as it was in Brotherhood, but it's not like a game to simply take things away from a game when making a new one so they'll probably keep all the "make your life easier" options apart from I hope the mega-convenient arrow storm which, while cool, made the game insanely easy. They've added a super power smoke bomb though which is also cool. So yeah, that's that.

Again, apologies to my readers who came here looking for wit and humour. This was necessary so deal with it.

I've Been Informed...

... that I have to write this blog post.

You see, on the day of yester we went to the pub to do the pub quiz and we didn't win, but nonetheless we had a good time anyway. My brother informed me (because he just happened to be there as well and saw me while I was in the toilet) that I "can't handle" John Smith's... he didn't tell me why but I was just told that I couldn't handle it. All I know is that John Smith's certainly tastes better than most beers aside from Tsingtao, but nothing in the world can beat that beer. This is Dukey Braping Hutchy :)

So I had a sex change operation. It was fun. But the reason behind Dukey absolutely insisting that I must blog about this particular event - said particular event being the one in question - is that after the event we were all going to our respective homes and the guys decided that playing football when we couldn't see a bloody thing due to the darkness of the environment due to it being night time. Anyway, before long Tom caught wind that there was a spinny object that he could spin on, so he shouted, "Spin me Uncle Peter, spin me!" which as homosexual as it sounds was fun because he couldn't stop once he started spinning. Soon Joe and Harry wanted to be spun by Uncle Pete (one of my many disguises)  and then Dukey came up with an ingenious plan. We spun them and ran to the car and moved it. This was only the start of our deception though. We parked illegally around the corner and lay in wait for them to realise that we had deceived them, and then Dukey phoned them explaining how he was already at home. Whether or not they realised that he was lying or not we never could figure out, because they just carried on playing football in the car park. This happened for sometime until we got bored of them not getting bored so Dukey asked them if they wanted him come back and collect them and they said yes, so we sped out in front of them, I ordered a Big Mac and then we drove away into a street around the corner. Now they became complete tits. Dukey told Joe to start walking home to catch us. They were walking across the road and thought that Dukey was driving towards them so didn't move, and then almost died. The fools.

Breaking News: We locked Dukey in Josh's room and now he's gone. We were filming Granite Moths and he's just gone. No idea where, no idea how. Just gone. Well, that's what you get for mocking Slender Man. 

Anyway after they nearly got run over they walked straight past us, but Joe turned and saw the car and thought, "Hang on... is that? IT IS!" and then they ran over and jumped on the bonnet like a bunch of hooligans.

Also, I'd like to finish this post with, "I'm not going to say cunt on YouTube." That is all.

Deja Vu

Today felt very familiar... familiar in the sort of way that suggests that I haven't done a day like this in an entire year. It was amazing.

First Lesson - German
I started the day with my Joe and my Becca and on our trip around the school we found a Herr Nicholls, and at this point I managed to convince Joe that German would be the best idea since socks. And it indeed was. Only Joe and I were in this lesson because everyone else is incredibly lazy, but that's not the point. We spent the lesson doing translation tasks, and we both learned a valuable lesson - that lesson being that German shouldn't be taken lightly; it's harder than it looks. It was actually very beneficial just us being in there, because then Mr Nicholls could recognise my strengths and weaknesses, which I find very difficult to do. So yeah, it was bloody good.

Second Lesson - Media
I say Media, but it was one of those Media lessons where I turned up, no one was there and Miss Taboada-Naya happened to be busy with coursework, so she sent me the link to all the past papers and I made a good start... and then I read the news because I needed to catch up with super-injunction stuff and to be caught up with the other news happening across the globe. It's all very interesting at the moment, especially with Libya constantly in the pages.

Third Lesson - Nothing
Actually, it was really a continuation of the previous lesson. Although I also tried to fix RichChief today, since the site still doesn't have a banner, but the admin controls are so bloody unintelligible that I couldn't bloody work out how to use the damn thing. I called upon the highest order of HTML Gods, but sadly Westie had already left the building. Damn.

Fourth Lesson - My Kids
Oh the excitement on their little faces as I walked into the department when they thought that I had left already. Aw. Aren't they just the sweetest? We started off in the Lecture Theatre so that the kids could decide what they wanted to do this time. They had four choices. 1: The Can Crusher project. 2: The Sustainability project. 3: Cooking/Catering. 4: Some shit to do with textiles. At the end of decision making, there were too many people going for catering, so Courtney and her friends ran up to me and said, "What one are you teaching?" proving that their choice would be solely based on me, the most awesome person to roam this god-forsaken planet since Jesus. I said I'd be floating about, mainly between the Can crusher and the sustainability project, so they went for the sustainability project. Soon decision making was over and the kids made their ways to the various classrooms. Now you remember how I said I was the most awesome person since Jesus? Well as soon as I walked into Mrs Wright's classroom at least all of the kids asked me if it would be their class I would be with, and it was the same with Mr Brown's class. Aww. As for what actually happened it wasn't all that exciting because it was just the introductions to the projects, but I had a damn good time nonetheless.

Fifth Lesson - Snakes Alive
You know how last year I taught my year 8s Snakes Alive and this was what brought me closer to them and made me realise just how wonderful these kids were? And you know how I wasn't very fond of my year sevens either at the time? Well, since my years 7s have become year 8s they are now too doing Snakes Alive, which is amazing. Unfortunately, they still haven't grown up in the way that My Kids did, so they saw the paper hat making competition as a chance to mess the fuck around. They did it quite well though. I moved from the best group in year 8 to the one I thought was the best group, but it turns out that they're actually horrible children. What are the chances? This year has not been good to these kids, I can tell you that for free. Oh well, I know which group I'll be sticking with until they do practical, and that's with Mrs Wright and Adrian. 8T are at least more fun than the other year 8s, so yeah.

Anyway, that was that day. Pretty cool, huh? I shall be looking forward to these days.