Resolutions

Okay, I didn't want to post purely about New Year's resolutions today because that's like half a line, so I'm going to go ahead and first talk about last night's dream. That's pretty significant because I never ever remember my dreams, and as dreams go, this one's pretty freaky.

The dream started in this pretty awesome house. It was actually awesome. For some reason the school wanted us to be in on a Tuesday in the middle of the holiday, but yeah. So, I was a naked woman. Yeah, that's why this is a little weird. Yeah, me and my fellow naked women decided to go to school... naked. Anyway, then the plot changed and I was in bed in my ideal house. I mean me this time, the guy you always see. I don't know what happened to the naked women. So yeah, this next bit is a little weird, but I saw loads of people that I know suddenly decide to visit me, including you lot and my kids. I don't remember if anything was said, but it was all over within moments, just like the next few moments because suddenly we were trying to drive to school, except there was no one at the wheel and someone was trying to hopelessly control the car. I said that I could do it, and I did pretty well. Then for some reason the car turned into a bike with a missing wheel, so I ended up back at my new house without a car. Then suddenly I realised that it was 12:45, and somehow spent an entire morning trying to get to school. That's when I think I gave up and the dream ended.

So yeah, this is a post about resolutions, since this is that time of year when it should be thought about. This is always a hard task for me, because I'm such a perfect person. There has only been one resolution that has really stuck out to me this year, but I dare not write it here because it's not exactly the kind of thing you'd write on the internet. Otherwise the same old crap returns again. Get a girlfriend. Eugh. That's pretty standard. Standard is really boring, and that means that is now in the front of my mind again, right where I don't want it to be. Ace my exams, that'll work.

This has been a sham of a post and I apologise. It was meant to be meaningful and insightful, but it hasn't been. I apologise with greatest sincerity.

A New Year suggests that changes are to be made, and every year I wish that they would. I believe I wrote something in Travis about it. Okay, let's do this.

01/01/09
"Yappy Hew Near!
Yes, that is the most stupid way I could think of saying 'Happy New Year' but it matters not.

I'll be brief this time, nothing much has happened today.
Had my Great Auntie and Uncle over, they seemed as cheerful as ever, despite Bob's increasing problem with his movement and health.
It shows real bravery and character to be able to laugh at your own suffering, and make others laugh with you.

My resolution?
Exactly this. Keep writing in here, in Travis. Sorry if I don't refer to you in second person, but you are just a collection of my thoughts. That's a little rude, isn't it?


I also hope my life will change as soon as I hit 16. It didn't. I'm still looking for the chance to have a meaningful relationship that isn't tainted by anyone, damn Brogan, that bastard. He really hurt my feelings.
"I didn't mean it!" was his response to me, pfft, bullshit I say. It once again leads me to believe that my theory of the Collective (God is just our collection of thoughts bundled together to control everything, sort of) is true, how else could I have this much bad luck with girls despite the fact that Luke, Becca and even Brogan say that I'd have a good chance with anyone? Just words. Little harsh. Nope, for some reason all girls have this joint hatred of me - well, that might be a little strong. A little strong?
I hate being the 'friend' though.
Sure, I love helping, but it's just not helping me get in their pants. I get it now!


'Nothing changes... on New Year's Day...'
U2, great song.
Hopefully, it won't apply here though, the Collective needs to change. I was really obsessed with that theory wasn't I?


I admit, I feel more accepted and respected in the world right now, and my happiness (this is certainly not happiness I'm displaying) will continue to remain (when I am back at school with my friends of course) but the fact is I still want someone else in my life, someone I can be attached to, but not too attached - I regret the last time that happened.

Okay, I lied, I'm not being brief.

I hope to hell I have sex during this year, but I haven't even made out with anyone yet. Oh just wait two weeks, my friend.
Third base with a girl? Keep hoping.
I can only hope it's sooner rather than later. I remember telling someone how I was going to kill myself (gasping face) if I'm still a virgin at 19 - Luke I believe. How could he even look at me after I said that? That's bad, man. Really bad. Like super mega bad. It's a good thing I'm super awesome now and not like that. 
Colon s. Hah, I was funny.


Peace out." Smooth.


Yeah, that wasn't nice, was it? Tomorrow I'll post something nicer than that, I promise.

Peace out.

Super Christmas Adventure Episode V - The Entire Week Strikes Back

I should've done a post for Christmas Day, I know. If not that I should've posted on Boxing Day. I apologise. It's now Monday and you still haven't got your hexology of the Super Christmas Adventure, and time is running out. I guess episode six will have to be New Years, but that's not for another few days yet so just be patient. We'll get there.

So, what on Earth has been happening over the past week? Note: The date of post release is Tuesday 28th, but I will endeavour to update as I go along. 


I guess I'd better start with Christmas Day since that's kind of a big deal around here. It's either about a fat guy with a beard that breaks into people's homes and steals their food and wine, but then for some reason leaves a load of stuff under a fir tree... or it's about a kid who became born about a month from now two thousand and ten years ago. That kid grew up to have a beard. Wait a minute...

:O NO WAY!

It all makes sense now. In fact, let me throw you another written theory at you.
Father Christmas/Santa
Son Jesus/Emanuel
Holy Ghost of Christmas Past/Present/Future

Duh!

So on Clausemas Day I got up thinking "Shit, it's Christmas Day" because that means that A: I have to get up an hour earlier than I intend and B: I have to spend time with the people I'm forced to live with. This makes it the single worst holiday EVER. There are a few upsides to this though. One being that there is a lot of delicious food like turkey, stuffing and pigs in blankets. The other being that it is at this time of year that I get an upgrade to something I already own. This year I got a laptop. It's the best laptop in the world. Not only does it have good everything, but it's also like a billion inches wide (that's a lot of inches) and better than that, I can now plug it into my new 32 inch awesome TV to watch movies in HD. I can't even watch movies in HD on the Sky TV. I'll tell you something funny, Google Chrome doesn't recognise the word movies, but it does recognise monies. That's a little hilarious. You know what else Google Chrome doesn't recognise? Google. It doesn't even have its own name in the dictionary. Hahahahaha. 


So yeah, that pretty much sums up Christmas Day. Boxing Day is good because I can get up at whatever time I want and spend all day alone, that is until we visit my great auntie and uncle. I have no qualms with my auntie and uncle, since they've always been the relatives that I don't mind being related to through this whole adoption thing I went through soon after birth. The one funny thing I remember about this event is when I went all grammar police on my Nan after she said "You were... no sorry, you was," and my insides literally started to burn. I soon put her in her place, "Why did you correct yourself wrongly?" That's exactly what she did. She had the correct answer, but then she went ahead and picked the wrong one. Well, that's what you get for being from Wolverhampton. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but people from Wolverhampton are idiots, purely for that incident. She's let the team down.

Anyway, Christmas Day Bank Holiday Monday. That's what it's called. We literally have another day to celebrate Christmas and Boxing Day all over again. We have Christmas Day Bank Holiday Monday, and Boxing Day Bank Holiday Tuesday. Since when has there been bank holiday Tuesdays? And why don't we have more of them? It's heresy, I say. Anyway, Monday, I got to have a wonderful walk with Bekah. Yeah, I can't actually talk any more about this because of the confidentiality of the conversation, but I did learn something about myself.

Bekah is all about letting everyone know how things are, what's going on and what's happening inside her head. I am not. In fact, it has become completely apparent that I don't do emotions any more, and I'm just 'fine' with how everything is. For her, this was a problem because she couldn't get a word out of me. I've given up on drama. As I said with hand movements, "Drama's over here, I'm over here." I do have seven thousand problems inside, but if they don't appear here then it's apparent that either they're just recurring problems that I'm now bored of and can't be arsed with any more, or they're just tedious and I don't care about them. I think it's a good thing that I don't let things get me down now though, or I'd probably have just given up. Besides, since when did you guys want to hear about my problems anyway? Apparently Bekah's very interested in them. In fact, she managed to get me to open up about who I've liked in the past. That's another thing I've put behind me, because stupidly I now think pointless infatuation is awful and I'd rather just not give a damn about it. But no, she did swindle something else out of me which I won't divulge here because it's public and people read me now.

However, on the flip side I'm awesome and problems don't come under the title of awesome, so fuck them. Yeah.

So, what happened on Boxing Day Bank Holiday Tuesday? As far as I remember, nothing happened at all. It was a lonely day of loneliness, spent I think on the Xbox. Let's move on.

Now Wednesday is a day worth mentioning. My first job of the day was to make £20, which I did, and I was content with that. My second job of the day was to go to the bank and get my current account sorted out. Hah. What a joke. I went into the bank to be told that the advisor for accounts was on holiday, and that everyone else in the world was busy. Quite frankly, I think I could've done this alone, because it doesn't really sound that difficult. Yorkshire Bank advertise the fact that all you have to do is sign a few papers and they do the rest, so why do I need an advisor? In any case, I walked out without a bank account and was annoyed. Anyway, later that day, Joe, Bekah and I had another Jonathan Creek evening. We've very nearly run out of JC, which is quite distressing. How would we be alive without JC? Okay, it's not exactly our lifeline, but JC is amazing. Wait a minute, I'm having a revelation. What if it's not about JC? What if it's about us three from BSide hanging out and having a good time? JC just factors into the equation because it's awesome. Intriguing theory.

Thursday happened today and I haven't done anything except set up the new printer we have (it's awesome) and recorded the first ever RichChief Podcast (it's awesome). Be sure to look out for the podcast when it comes about soon enough.

Anyway, Tuesday Wednesday Thursday is today and that means I'll carry this on later although Friday is New Year's Eve and therefore the start of Episode VI, ooh. Episode VI will be completely reserved for New Year's, I can assure you.

Super Christmas Adventure Episode IV - A New Belt

Shit, it's Christmas Day. 

Well um, I'd better get this done pretty quickly to be quite honest with you. 

Okay, so to pick it up where we left off on the 23rd, after I posted my post I had my dinner, and then Joe and Becca picked me to up to try and find Edwards' house which was somewhere in Geddington, but we spent like 10 minutes finding the damn street he lives on. But it mattered not, because we arrived first because we're awesome like that. 

Anyway, quickly quickly quickly because I'm tired and need some sleep because I haven't in like seven thousand years (two nights). Soon the party got going and party stuff happened. Um, memorable bits include dancing, prancing and another word that rhymes with dancing. I honestly can't think right now and all thoughts turn to after the party wound down and we found our sleeping arrangements. Josh, Josh and I were in the spare bedroom, which is where the Edwards sort their laundry. To cut a short story long, Hilton was on the floor using the laundry as a pillow, and at some point he decided that it would be a mature thing to start flinging it at me and Quach who were in the double bed together. What really peaked his interest was when he found a lacy thong, because to him that's just about the most hilarious thing you could ever find while rummaging through someone else's laundry, and I did mention on several occasions that people get arrested for shit like that, but this is Hilton; he doesn't give a damn about such trivial matters. 

Right, what else can I remember. There was poker, but I didn't take part in it because I don't know what's good and what's bad and it's impossible to beat a Jew at poker because they just horde money when they see it. If you find that comment offensive, you can insult me. If you insult me but I know for a fact that you find Jewish jokes hilarious, then I will stab you in the eye with my penis. 

Oh yeah, I should tie in the name of this post. Hoier got me my secret Santa present finally, and it was a very lovely ace of spades belt. Unfortunately the belt is too big for me and I'll need a belt hole puncher before I can use it, but hey. 

I'm sorry, this post is disgraceful and I really can't do Edwards' party justice because it was genuinely awesome. The only other things that I can draw my attention to now are things that I shouldn't say, and things that I can't say for discretion purposes. 

I probably shouldn't have even mentioned that I'm withholding information, because now you'll all ask questions. While I trust you all (not you, Stephenson who the fuck is Stephenson?), it's not my place to say it, because it's not about me. I mean, why would it be about me? The only weird thing that happened to me was this text message: "You are a sexy beast with a collosal third leg, cheer up xxxxx." I don't know why that was written, and I don't even need to tell you who wrote that text. I guess I did get a little fed up when all the drunk guys were attempting to play poker, and all the sober people were talking about their sexual experiences, so I couldn't really join in either way. In fact, Quach even said, "We need to find you a girl, Hutchy." Hold on. 

Quach: We need to find you a girl, Hutchy. 

Me: There's no finding about it. You can't just walk into a room and pick out a girl and say "that one". I paraphrase, I can't remember what I actually said. 

Quach: Well we at least need to get you laid. 

I guess that's just my problem though. Quach says that your first time should not be with the person you want to be with, because your first time will be crap. I beg to differ. The first time should be something special, not just an initiation to full manhood, but if you do cock up a bit, the random girl whom you just boinked may then tell everyone else, and then you get a bad reputation. However, if you're with the girl that you want to be with, then the likelihood is that she'll want to be with you, and therefore she'll understand that it might not be as good as it could be. 

I'm sorry, it's Christmas Day and that means I have to spend the entire day being forced to spend time with the people I'm forced to live with, as opposed to my birth parents or my Real Family. 

All in all though, it was a fantastic party and I had some good moments. It's been a brilliant week with you, Real Family, and I hope to Jesus (me) that we do something soon again because staying in this house is an actual nightmare. You'd hate it. The only relief is Walter, because he's the best dog in the world, but otherwise just no. 

Once again I apologise for this appalling post and I'll give you some witty wit soon. 

I promise. 

Cherry Mristmas everyone! 

Super Christmas Adventure Episode III - Revenge of the Very Sharp Spear

"Do not move or I will stab you with my very sharp spear!"

That pretty much sums up the Leach's party.

I jest of course, it wasn't a half-bad shindig. It wasn't the sort of party where I can say "Haha this happened" or "He ran around the room on his head shouting rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr, roar roar roar roar roar." In hindsight, I've never actually said the latter phrase ever, but I'm sure it would be hilarious if I ever had the opportunity to.

So, the day began with me waking up, me watching two episodes of Smallville because the season finale was coming up and I really wanted to know what happened because it was all getting very tense and exciting, and then I took the dog for a walk, at which point Hadley gave me a call to ask if I and Joe wanted to go to town to do a little bit of shopping. We agreed.

I picked up Hadley from her house with the dog so that she could see it and make the "aww!" sound a lot because Walter is quite possibly the cutest, most huggable-lovable dog in the entire world. When we got back to my home, I dried the dog and then we were off to Joe's house. Then we were off to Disneyland! I mean town. I have no idea why I said Disneyland.

It was pretty much the usual affair between us three. We laughed at each other's jokes and generally had a nice time. I also got my Dad's present, which was a bonus. He's such an easy man to buy for, and I don't know if I've said this before, but he literally said to me when we were in Sainsbury's, "That's what I want, a big torch," and so I got him a big torch. It has a krypton bulb, and so I finally have a way to defeat Superman.

Anyway, after a drink at Joe's we hitched a ride with his father to make our way to the Leach's. Naturally we had absolutely no idea where it is, so we asked Josh for directions. We thought Josh was proficient in the direction-giving area, but his crude instructions begged to differ. I say that based on a later event, but it matters not because we got there (kind of) and we only had to walk a hundred yards or so before we managed to find the home of the Leach twins.

When we got in we were led to the bar. They have a bar. I mean, actually, they have a bar. This was the Leach's equivalent of Sophia's huge juicy pork. It's not just like where they store drinks and stuff either, it's a fully functioning bar. With a stereo system.

Hold on.

...

...

My Dad just handed me £140. I'm now happy.

...

...

And we resume.

So yeah, they have a bar, and that's where we spent the first part of the evening. We broke out the deck of cards and played an intriguing game called Scabby Queen. Essentially if you have the queen or still have cards at the end of the game then the winner gets to smack you on the knuckles with the deck.

Anyway, that was that for a while and then a Hilton arrived with his Laura and then after that pizza arrived so we moved to the dining room to munch. That happened and then we moved into the lounge to watch "Do not move or I will stab you with my very sharp spear" also known as "Jedi". This was a hilarious film but it had a few disappointments. If you watched it, you'd instantly know what they are if you're a Family Guy fan. Oh, I'll tell you what I do recommend you watch on YouTube. It's called Here Comes Dr Tran, and it's hilarious. Some people manage to go on YouTube and find the funniest videos ever, which is not a knack I have. I go on YouTube and manage to find the worst videos ever. But I suppose that's just my luck.

Anyway, all in all it was actually quite a good night. In fact, it was another one of those nights that gave Joe and Josh to be gay all over me. I'm not quite sure why this happens, but apparently men will be gay for me for no apparent reason. I don't want gay all over me to be quite honest. I have nothing against gay people but I really don't appreciate men going gay all over me.

Anyway, next morning (the morning of today in fact) we made bacon and soon we were carted off in Joe's mum's car to pick up Becca. It was quite a nerve-racking ride for Joe's mum because she doesn't like the ice, but we made it, picked up Becca and got to Joe's house. At having to fight my usual battle of saying "Nope, stop at your house and I'll walk home" Joe decided that he and Becca would walk me home, which was fine. I then invited them in so they could see Walter and it was unanimously decided that he is the best dog in the world. Like, literally the best dog in the world. People normally don't like schnauzers very much, but Becca has now decided that Walter would be her ideal dog. He is the best dog in the world and it can't be denied. So uh... I win.

After I won, they went home and in exactly one hour and a bit because we'll most likely be late, we'll be at Edwards' party and the fourth instalment of our epic Christmas Adventure.

Until then. I don't have time to make it super awesome this time, but tomorrow I promise that I'll make an epic thing to go with it. 

Super Christmas Adventure Episode II - Attack of the Pork

Ah yes, my next Christmas adventure. Today was Sophia's turn to host an event of epic proportions, and it was indeed an event of epic proportions. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do it justice with my musings, but I'll give it my best shot.

The day began, as it did yesterday, with the heating well and truly off in my house. It was so cold I didn't dare walk on the stone slabs that cover my kitchen. That's like killing your feet with death. And hypothermia. So yeah, I got up at a reasonable time of 1100 and threw together a quick sandwich because there was a rapist in the kitchen who was raping the plumbing to try and fix our heating. So yeah, I then threw on some clothes and made my way out into the wild.

I must state at this point that Sophia lives more than five miles away from my house. On any normal day I'd get a lift off someone because I can't drive yet and the man who calls himself my father is at work all week so is unavailable for anything. However, because of unforeseen circumstances, I chose had to walk to Sophia's. Luckily I studied the route extensively on Google Maps the night before, so I was well prepared.

I say well prepared.

The reality is that no map can prepare you for the reality that there are no footpaths for about two miles from the road between Kettering and Rothwell, so I almost died five thousand times when cars whizzed past me. But it was fine, because I saw this:

You'll never out-fox the fox. 

And I'll tell you what, there may have been snow on the ground but I had to make half of my journey half-naked because it was bloody hot. Before I left it was -3. -3! No bloody wonder I was roasting in my own huge winter coat. I actually felt colder inside my house.

Anyway, that wasn't what this blog post was all about, but it was a nice touch. I arrived at Sophia's half an hour earlier than Google said I would. So what's that? Yeah, I beat the internet. Fuck you internet; I beat you.  Anyway, she welcomed me into her humble abode where there were already a few people, including a Quach, a Keeble, and a Dallamore. All three of those names aren't recognised by Google Chrome. The internet is not doing any favours for itself today.

Anyway, general banter happened for a while, until a Goodall and a Hadley arrived, and then some more banter happened, with a lot of dancing Quach, until Sophia ordered us to the dinner table. Soon various food items were placed on the table, and all was well. In the centre of the table were the vegetables, which were delicious, and around it were pigs in blankets, which were delicious, chicken, which was delicious, and gravy, which was delicious. Then Sophia brought out the big-guns. By big-guns, I mean the pork crackling. After breaking through the crackling, and then it looked like this:

Damn that looks good. 

Indeed it does look good, caption. The pork was delicious. According to Quach, so was the crackling. I mean, all credit to the chef on this one, it was actually delicious. Like actually delicious. I cannot emphasise enough how DELICIOUS IT WAS. It was delicious. I've actually written an entire paragraph that simply says that Sophia's meat was effing gorgeous.

We then had strudel. That was also delicious. Bravo, Sophia. Actual bravo, though, like, this and that all over your tat.

I got carried away with my chav sayings. I don't think I've ever heard a chav say "this and that all over your tat" though. They should definitely start.

Anyway, then this happened:

Perfect synchronised dancing for the win. 

Yeah, Bekah and Quach made their own dance. How awesome is that? Anyway, then this happened:

What has been seen... 

Yup. Then we watched Inception, which is an epic movie. I actually understood all of the little nooks and crannies of the film I didn't get last time. Okay, I actually can't get over how good the pose is for those bears. The pink one actually has its arms around the other one's hips. You can't get much more realistic than that. It's genuinely hilarious. In fact, it's so hilarious that this happened:

... cannot be unseen. 

Now they're doing it orally! Those bears have got the life. The life.

Anyway, I think that about wraps up Sophia's party. As I said, I probably didn't do it justice because it was actually a brilliant day/evening and I thank Sophia very much for putting up with us. Smiley face.

Until our next adventure! *Theme music* I decided to add theme music because it just seemed dull last time. I'm sure next time I'll spruce it up even more, because I'm that kind of guy. 

My Visit to the Keydoc

Since all sources of heat in my house are now dead I have to occupy myself because now the place in which I live isn't this warm snuggly heaven that I can use to escape from the bitingly cold and harsh temperatures of the outside world. I don't know how they died, but all I know is that my hands and feet aren't working properly because my blood is more concerned with keeping other parts of my body warm. In fact, this situation becomes more dire because of the fact that I can't even have a hot shower. I like hot showers! So I've had to employ my knowledge of science and do everything necessary to keep my room warm. I have shut the curtains, replaced my bulbs and turned my light on. From it being a lot beneath 20 degrees this morning, it is now 17 degrees, which is adequate. Go me and science.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about. That up there gave me an excuse to write this post that I've been meaning to do for a while, because there's no better way to start a post than with a complaint about how shitty my day has been so far. I wanted to tell this story because it was amusing to Josh H (but everything I say is amusing to him, so that wasn't the biggy) and Hannah Elwood (that was the important bit, because I don't talk to her very often, but apparently I'm awesome enough for her to suddenly tell me the state of her insides [suddenly realised that that sounds weird, I mean her intestines and shit, not her va-jay-jay]).

Anyway, I take you back about a year before I had even started this blog. I know, you wouldn't believe that I've only been blogging for 9 months, would you? But yeah, it was more than a year ago in fact, but I had been suffering all day from horrible stomach cramp. Eventually it had gotten to the point where I could barely move. I sat down to fuss the dog at the end of the hallway, but then he left and I literally couldn't get back up again. Eventually my Nan noticed and was all concerned and shit that I appendicitis and I was going to die.

No one is safe from appendicitis. 

So my Dad took me down to the keydoc. The next part of the story is why this story was amusing to Josh and Hannah. Because I'm independent now and because my apparent-father hates me, I was standing (standing was an incredible feat for me at this time. You have no idea how much pain I was in) at the reception, and when it was my turn to see the receptionist I got a very blunt question.

"Do you have an appointment?"

This made me angry. In my head I was saying, "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE IF I HAVE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT?!!!" and my mood can be expressed by this picture:

Yes. My hair had become fire.

But in reality, I was in too much pain to raise my voice so I decided to exploit this and look cute. "N-no..." and I used my eyes to beg to her that I needed help now or I would die.

Receptionist: "Okay, fill out this form and take a seat."
Inside voice: "FILL OUT THE FORM!? I'M BARELY STANDING UP AND I'M CLUTCHING MY STOMACH IN AGONY, AND YOU WANT ME TO FILL OUT A FUCKING FORM?!"
Outside voice: "O-okay..."

I collapsed against the wall and wrote down the unnecessary details. It asked me what my symptoms were. I wanted to write, "Death" but that seemed a bit extreme, so I went with "abdominal pain" to sound smart, but in reality I had come here so that a doctor could tell me what my symptoms were, so once again I wasn't particularly happy. I then handed her my best attempt at the form that the evil harlot made me fill in and then I went to sit in the waiting area.

The next part of the story was pretty uneventful. Essentially I went into the doctor's office to see someone who had no idea who I was, nor what my symptoms were, which struck me as odd because I had just spent five minutes filling in a form. Where the hell did it go? Anyway, the next part was pretty standard.

Doctor: So what's wrong?
Inside voice: I'm dying. My insides are burning up and I'm dying. It's definitely not appendicitis because it is most definitely Ebola. Yup, it is because my spleen just melted and is not on the floor. I'd mop that up if I were you.
Outside voice: It's just this blinding pain in my abdomen.
Doctor: I'm now going to touch you to see where the pain is.
Inside voice: People get put in prison for that you paedophile!
Outside voice: Ouch.

It turned out not to be appendicitis and just a lot of pain. In fact, I had limped out of there knowing exactly what I had done when I walked in. I was in pain, and that's the only explanation they could give.

So, that was the story of my trip to the keydoc. I hope you enjoyed it.

Super Christmas Adventure Episode I - The Phantom Spruce

I said I'd be updating in a rapid fashion, but I intend to keep these updates pretty short just in case you're here in a week's time and you've got a million years worth of posts to catch up on. I don't want you straining your eyes or anything, but hey, if it's my blog you're straining your eyes on, I'll be happy. I don't want to catch you straining your eyes on anyone else's blog, you harlots.

Anyway, what did happen upon this very fine occasion? Well, Becca's present arrived yesterday, so I needed to take it to her. Luckily she was at Joe's house, so when they had returned home from shopping, I hauled the package over with me. When I arrived Becca was wrapping presents because Joe couldn't be bothered, but Joe was making tea so it kind of balanced out. By watching Becca wrap up I finally understood how people actually manage to wrap up presents nicely. See, she was cosmetically altering the wrapping as she went along, cutting off bits that were too long and using just enough tape to stick it down. My tactic is either A: Don't wrap up at all or B: Get a load of paper and a lot of tape and hope for the best.

After that, I discovered a drink that I can have on cold days to warm me up (because I despise hot drinks, although I should probably re-try tea because I haven't in a while), and that's red grape juice. It's wonderful. Despite it being cold, it tasted warm, and that's the important thing.

Then Becca opened her present, and I was quite anxious because the Amazon box it came in was punctured and it didn't feel properly secured while I was carrying it, but it was fine. She looked on it in amazement. I had gotten her a Sun Jar, and she loved it. It was the height of entertainment for the night.

Anyway, after this we went to get Joe's Christmas tree from Boughton House, which was actually really easy. Joe's Dad talked to a guy, a tree was picked, packaged and we were gone again. We got back home, Joe's Dad clipped the tree and then Joe, Becca and I were tasked with decorating it. Here's what all of our hard word amounted to:

Oops, it appears we've gotten in the way.

Better.

That's a pretty awesome tree. In fact, it's the only participation I've had with Christmas decorations this year at all, and I'm pretty damn pleased it was with these two :)

Until our next adventure.

Christmas Thursday

Nothing kicks off Christmas better than a last day of school. Let's get straight in and do some hardcore, pornographic blogging. Without the pornographic part. I mean, come on, I can't do porn; this is the internet. Show some class.

First Lesson - Janina
Very simple and easy lesson with Janina. She gave us a stimulus card (which are always easy) and I quote Janina saying this: "My job is done. You no longer need me." She said this because I nailed a huge complicated paragraph full of subjunctives. I was all like "yeah" and *air-fist-grab-pull*. She then taught us about Weihnachts nach Deutschland. Famously, they have their Weihnachtsmarkt (Christmas Market), which I was able to see one year in fact. They're brilliant. They sell everything you could possibly want for Christmas, ranging from decorations to Bratwurst. Although Bratwurst is just staple for everything in Germany, whether a Feier (celebration) or not. Forgive my use of Deutsch, it's really in my Kopf right now. But what you may not know is that on the 6th of December, they all clean their shoes and put them outside so that St. Nikolaus (not Santa, but the guy who Santa is said to be... yeah, it's a little confusing) can put small gifts in them, usually sweets. Also, the 24th is official present day, since the 25th is all about eating a huge goose for lunch. Hah, Janina didn't know that geese and turkey were different birds. That's a little funny.

Second Lesson - DT
I didn't really get much work done this lesson, despite the fact that it felt like I was working all lesson. I remember making lots of measurements for something or other. At the end of the lesson though, I didn't really come out with much more than I had started with. Oh well, it matters not. I also said my goodbyes to my kids today, and went to see the kids that I didn't see yesterday who're doing Engineering. They're a fun lot, and I believe I have them next term. Fun fun. Also, it was Miss Quinreynolds' last day today, because in a couple of weeks she's going to give birth to another little sproglodyte. Aww.

Third Lesson - Deutsch
We finally saw die Ende der Welle, and I can't remember whether I talked about it on here or not, but it's a freaky film. It essentially captures the Nazi regime and bottles it down to a classroom environment, to show that it could happen again. I remember watching it thinking, "This is really cool" and "they're really benefiting from this" but then the freaky stuff started happening, like the uniform coming in, and the Wave salute. As awesome as the Wave salute is, it's so weird watching a bunch of kids do it in synch. I recommend you watch it, even if you don't understand German. Aside from that we got to watch a bit of Dinner for One, which is oddly a European tradition that died out in England for some reason. Basically, it's Miss Sophie's 90th birthday, and all of her friends are now 25 years dead, but every year she gets her butler to let them live through him. The popular phrase "Same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie?" "Same procedure as every year, James." is known all over Europe. Like, all of them know it. Absolutely freaking every single one of them. They get to watch it every year on New Year's, in English without subtitles, and they love it. I don't know why we don't have it here. Es macht kein Sinn. This was also the moment where Christmas officially began for me, because as Mr Nicholls always says, "Christmas doesn't begin until you've watched Dinner for One."

Fourth Lesson - Free
I honestly can't remember what happened this lesson. I talked to Sophia a lot about stuff. I think it was about Harry mostly. I don't know, the events just seem a little blurred together because they all happened in the same spot and didn't alter very much, so the whole lesson seemed like one little event.

Fifth Lesson - Free
The last free of the term was upon us. I began it rushing around trying to finish my little notes for my upcoming speaking exam so I could give them to Herr Nicholls. I did this quite quickly, and when I gave them to him he gave me the essay I wrote last week back with lots of scribbles on it. I read this while walking back, and was disheartened that the essay wasn't as awesome as I thought it was. Apparently immigration is just a topic I can't write in German. Never mind though, there's always one topic you can't get on with. Anyway, the girls and I ended up going for a drink in the coffee lounge, where we found a Joe, a Janina, and some other fellow German compadrés. Events unfolded for a while and I'm tired so I'm just going to sum up the fact that I love my family, and Becca has officially accepted that she and the other members of my Real Family are in fact my family, as opposed to the people I'm forced to live with, and I like that. We ended up back in the coffee lounge at some point to fetch Joe and then we went up to top green seating where we kicked back, ate some chocolate and talked the rest of the lesson away.

Post-Bus Journey
I've done a bit about the trip after the bus journey before, but it never got its own section. In fact, it was lumped in with lesson five. That shouldn't happen. I here at Cliché Life Stuff need to keep a balanced and fair system of organisation through headings. This section has been clearly marked as 'Post-Bus Journey' to mark the fact that I want to talk about what I did after a dull bus journey. Okay, it's going to happen now. After the dull bus journey, I walked part-way home with Courtney, and we had a wonderful chat about our plans for the holidays, as well as the snow that was ruining my day because it arrived at just the wrong time to make my journey home slightly more uncomfortable, and I got to amaze her with my story of how awesome the snow is in the Alps. The snow is awesome in the Alps at this time of the year. It's like 20ft deep, or whatever. That's pretty deep. Best part is, you only need to wear a jumper up there, because the air is so thin and the cold doesn't get to you. It does get to your feet though, so snow boots are a must. So are sunglasses and sun-tan lotion. Anyway, yes, Courtney is definitely the nicest out of her year group, and is always happy to talk to me, and that's why she's probably my favourite student. If you don't believe me, then you're an idiot because my word is gospel. Literally.

Anyway, that was the last day of term and it was a good'un wasn't it? I've got a hugely busy schedule ahead of me, so I'll definitely stay in touch or I'll lose track of what I'm doing.
Buhbye.

Recently-Deceased Wednesday

Okay, so I went with the first adjective I see thing again. And once again the adjective was really depressing and not at all representative of how awesome today actually was. Wait, I have an idea.

Awesome Wednesday
What a great idea! Let's just get on and do this.

First Lesson - Deutsch
If I'm honest, there isn't really much to report on today's German lesson. It wasn't really that great to be quite honest with you because we did a lot of work, but that's what school is all about right? Learning. I did learn a little bit more German than I once did though, so it wasn't a lesson wasted, it was just a lesson not really worth reporting.

Second Lesson - Media
Okay, so this was one of those non-Media Media lessons. I started with Miss T telling me to put that thing I was doing on the Video Space, and then I left in search of the free-lesson peeps. They were in the Library, and Luke and Dallamore were hopelessly trying to design their hidden blade on ProDesktop. Bah. I pulled up a chair and did it for them, because I'm super awesome and multi-talented. The blade will work, but it definitely won't be hidden, and it definitely won't work in the way that they want it to. But hey, shit happens.

Third Lesson - Free
This was essentially the same as last lesson until the Maths lot finished their lesson. I grabbed my Luke and we found us a Joe, a Josh and a Jed to talk to until lunch. We talked until lunch about random things, and then lunch happened. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have enough money to buy Christmas dinner, so I had my crappy packed lunch instead. This sucked. However, I did get to try the Courtney-recommended pink cupcake, and as she rightly said, it was delicious. She said it had icing, but it was in fact butter-icing, and they put a whole thick layer on just to make it that much more delicious. I'm really hungry. I fancy a bit of cake now. Damn hunger.

Fourth Lesson - Teaching
I say teaching, but really all I wanted to do was say Merry Christmas to the kids. It started well, I walked in, said two words, but then suddenly they started asking for help. Damn! It was all right though. I helped where I could, and ignored the kids who were trying to get me to fix the work that they had completely fucked up themselves, like drilling a hole too big. It's not my job to fix their work. Anyway, after teaching my group for a few minutes, I went to wish Merry Christmas to last term's kids, and for ease we'll call them Courtney's group. They were doing textiles, making kites. None of those kites would ever work. They're just fabric in the shape of kites. After about ten minutes of talking to them, Miss Blenko (spell check) was all like "Are you helping or just distracting?" and I almost stuttered an answer, and then she was like "I think you're distracting. Please go back to Mrs Wright" and then I was forced to leave of my own accord. I know, that last statement was indeed ironic, but shush. Also during this period, Josh decided to come into my classroom and feed me. Normally I don't mind this, but this time he literally forced the Chewit into my mouth, with the intention of getting the kids to call me gay for it. He was amused, despite the fact that he was the giver, and giving is totally the gayest thing to do. In fact, I didn't willingly receive it, because I held out my hand for him to put the Chewit in, but he didn't listen and shoved it in my mouth without consent. That's called rape. Josh raped me. He raped me until my mouth was all filled with Chewit juice. Mmmm... Chewits.... I want a Chewit. Anyway, after I decided that it was high time I leave the kids, I went to find the others, with the intention of returning to fetch Josh once I had found them. I got a tip-off from a Welsh superhero that they were in Top Blue, and indeed they were in Top Blue. Becca beckoned (hah, alliteration) me to sit next to her, and thus I did. Ich loggte mich an, and then I fetched my Josh. We ended up back in Top Blue. The rest of the day kind of blurs, so I'll leave fourth lesson at that.

Fifth Lesson - Free
I mainly talked to Josh and Becca throughout this lesson, because everyone else was doing Chemistry. In fact, Josh became engrossed in his own Chemistry and my blog, so I was in fact mainly talking to Becca. That doesn't matter though, because Becca is a hilariously hilarious person. In fact, I think she may even rival me. Hmm. But anyway, this banter continued for a while, and soon it was time to grab our stuff for the end of the day.

I think that's that if I'm perfectly honest with you. I think today was a brilliant day if I say so myself. More brilliant days please :)

Ooh, tomorrow is the last day of term! I may have to blog again, since that is the tradition.
Ciao.

Good News!

Today was so crazy and fantastic and awful that I just had to blog today. The 'my day' blog will be with you tomorrow, so I'll just go on some nonsensical raving. Also, on the note of nonsensical ravings, Luke has started posting again and he's not a bad blogger. Read him. Read him like you have read me.

So, the topic of today is good news. The start of the day was just about the worst start of a day you could ever have ever. Like seriously. I woke up, had a wash, went back to bed and apparently fell asleep and slept through 45 minutes worth of alarms. How? Never-mind that, at 7:48 I fell out of bed, jumped into some clothes and rushed out the door. At 7:50, the bus is scheduled to get to the bus stop. I got to the bus stop at 7:56, but not after running across really wet grass, falling over and getting caked in mud. I may have caught the bus if my bag didn't split open. But I digress. This was the most disheartening part of the day. I went home, grabbed some money and went to the X4 bus stop. It was 8:09. The X4 is scheduled to arrive at 8:03. "Bollocks" I cursed loudly, and then waited another billion years to cross the busiest road on the face of the planet. I then tried to get the caked mud off my trousers while I could hear my Dad getting dressed. Luckily he took the day off work in order to fetch my brother from Uni, so I begged for a lift off him. This was at 8:22. I arrived at school at 8:35. That's bloody lucky, since lessons start at that exact time. So, with my trousers still partially coated with mud, I found a Harry and a Joshi. That was the bad start of the day, and couldn't shake the tiredness from the running and shouting, and the coughing that I was now experiencing, as if I had smoke a day's worth of cigarettes while I was running and shouting.

That's just about the worst thing that has ever happened to me on the journey to school. Well, apart from the time I got raped by the Happy Tree Friends, but at least that time I caught the bus on time. What's next?

Yeah, let's bring up the mood slightly. I have Walter forever! *Party pop* We got him back a few weeks ago, and he hasn't left and with my Dad saying "He stays here now", that was all the confirmation I needed. He's my dog now. I'll tell you what, he's recently taken the habit of thinking that my hands are acceptable to bite. While I have no qualms with this, since I can control him when his jaw locks on my thumb, it does get quite painful after a while. Still, I wouldn't have him any other way. Every time I walk through the door he bounds up to me, claws at my thigh and then I grab his paws and make him dance, or I get the underside of his chin and he wraps his paws around my arm as he tries to bite my hand. Awww. He's simply the best dog in the world. Ever. There is literally no argument. Seriously, when you put any dog on the top bunk and watch him flail about trying to somehow, someway find a way down, you can't help but just feel like there is nothing better in this world than Walter.

Right, moving on. What else can I talk about? Ooh, for all us lot in year 13, Courtney informed me that for the Christmas lunch we get little pink muffins and they are apparently delicious. I hope I have enough money for Christmas lunch, just for that. I trust Courtney's judgement. Her exact words were "They're goorrrrrrrrrgeous!" If that isn't an advertisement for muffins, I don't know what is. Apparently there were some guys breakdancing at the disco, and we've all missed out on that. They also apparently did it in Assembly, so we double missed out. God-damn it. Their disco was a million times better than any of ours, since the DJ actually gave them the microphone so they could do karaoke. Why weren't people this cool when we were in year 9? I'm so going to DJ next year, just so I can make it more awesome than anyone's ever seen ever.

I just heard my brother say, "Watch it, because they're underage." ... What the fuck? He wasn't like "Hey, watch out for them" it was genuinely said like "Watch them. Stare at them" and now I'm really freaked out. I'm sure I've taken it entirely out of context, but still, that's such a weird thing to say! Discuss.

Also today, I had a brilliant time with Luke and Dallamore during third after lunch. We essentially just stood above the Christmas market and watched all the people in their funny costumes trying to advertise. We were standing there for a good twenty minutes, and not once did they try and sell anything to us. That's just poor.

Anyway, that's all the hilarity and good news I have for one day. Catch you tomorrow.
Bye!

De Montfort University is Stalking Me

Okay, so a few weeks ago I applied for University places at De Montfort in Leicester, Teesside, Birmingham City and Nottingham Trent, and subsequently I have received fairly brilliant offers from all of them. Birmingham was the first to react, blandly stating that I needed 300 UCAS points, but 120 of those needed to be in Media. This was pretty much the same across the board. However, about 12 days after I had released my application, De Montfort sent me a letter saying that they had received my application and they would be in touch soon. "Brilliant," I thought, "they're the last Uni I need to hear from." I did not know what I had gotten myself into.

Obviously, DMU gave me the best offer of all time, which was an astoundingly low 260 UCAS points with the condition that I needed to get a B in Media. That, my friends, is lower than what I'm aiming for. In fact, in the prospectus, it said that the number of points needed would be 270, and the head of Media at DMU actually stated that the get-in points would definitely be higher than that. This is where suspicions began.

Today I received a giant package from DMU with a 500-word(ish) letter saying that I had been accepted, and that they now hope I accept their offer in return. That may sound pretty normal. No other Uni has done this for me, let alone sending me the Humanities prospectus and two pamphlets that basically screamed at me to come to their wonderful Leicester-based Uni.

Other people have had interviews with their universities and they had a great chat with the subject teachers about the course they want to take. This is the Uni wanting to get to know the student better. I tried to reassure myself that, because they hadn't asked for an interview, DMU weren't actually stalking me and that I'm fine. However, I then came to the conclusion that De Montfort were actually too nervous to meet me face-to-face, just in case I didn't like them and turned them down. I'm certain you've all had someone nervously call you and hang up inadvertently. So instead they're sending me all of these letters and pamphlets and colourful prospectuses so that I'm convinced to go.

And you know what? I think De Montfort has been telling their friends about me. Despite the fact that I've already sent off my UCAS application, and gotten all but one (ironically a second one from DMU) of my offers back, Regent's College (London School of Film, Media and Performance) sent me a letter and a prospectus saying that they want me. This is clearly done out of envy, because Regent's were all like "No way, you couldn't get a score like that" and so they're now trying to win me over. Unfortunately it's too late for Regent's.

You know what? I'm actually scared of what De Montfort will do if I don't go to their university. At first I'll get a letter like, "Whoops, you seem to have accidentally declined our offer," and then it will escalate to, "Are you serious? You actually declined our offer?" and then, "But I thought that we had something special?" then, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" and finally De Montfort will go insane and start destroying all the other universities and then I'll turn to De Montfort and be like, "Hey, don't be like that. It's not you, it's me." DMU will turn around at that point and stab me in the chest with a flag pole screaming, "IF WE CAN'T HAVE YOU; NO ONE CAN!!!!!"

And that's how I'm going to die.

But seriously now, I do actually love De Montfort and while their efforts do seem a little clingy, I'm sure we'll have a happy relationship in the future. Awwww.

EDIT: I just realised that I personified De Montfort and made it seem like I'm going to somehow have a relationship with the entire university. That would be very expensive, and I'm not exactly a rich guy. I am definitely going there though, because I will definitely get the grades I need in order to go, and it's only in Leicester, so the journey from my Real Family won't be that long. In fact, I may even be with my Real Family if Becca goes to Leicester. Fingers to the crossed.

Peter out.
EDIT: I find it funny that I wrote Peter out, because that means fade away into nothing. Imagine me fading away into nothing when I write that. But don't worry, petering out is not a permanent thing; I'll be back on Wednesday, I promise.

I'm Waiting for my Xbox to Work

Hey, I need to do something, and I found this on Sophia's blog and I decided that time killed is time not wasted.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Peter
2. Pete
3. Hutch

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU'VE HAD:
1. Peter Hutch
2. Peter H
3. Peter Umm, yes, I'm very simple with my name. 

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:
1. Watched the end of the episode of Smallville I was watching
2. Eat dinner
3. [redacted] of course I'm joking. I haven't done that in ages.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I'm the Messiah
2. I'm the most awesomely hilarious person on the face of the planet.
3. My modesty Irony FTW.

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My former life
2. My apparent super-form of anger that actually goes above the limit for anger that that test had
3. The way I put myself down

THREE PARTS OF YOUR ORIGINS:
1. Kettering Cork I have already worked out that I'm adopted so of course I don't come from Kettering.
2. Wolverhampton Cairo Again, same reasoning.
3. Krypton The Messiah has to get his superpowers from somewhere.

THREE THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF:
1. Staying like this weedy little piece of shit that I am
2. The magic talking leopard when he's drunk
3. God "I must ask you Mr Wayne Hutch, why bats Christ?" "Because that's what I'm afraid of."

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. My seeing eyes.
2.
3.
No, of course I'm not naked. But did you see your face?

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Food.
2. Water.
3. Warmth. They're pretty much essential all the time.

THREE IMPORTANT OBJECTS:
1. My Messiah-Suite
2. My Messiah-a-rang
3. My Messiah-laptop computing device

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. Kaiser Chiefs
2. Journey Just the one song mind. I think you know what it is. 
3. Foo Fighters

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
1. Love
2. Respect
3. Loads of kick-ass friends

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. DO-ON'T STOP, BELIIIEEEVIN' Oh-ooh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
2. Ghost Busters!
3. Black betty

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Make loads of money becoming an internet porn star As if there's any other kind
2. Begin to learn how to drive
3. Make something super awesome.

THREE THINGS YOU REGRET:
1. Deciding that saving the damsel in distress from Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein from his castle in the land of Morditch was really not worth crossing the hugely dangerous world of Corkwood and the interweaving webs of the internet.
2. Being an arsehole
3. Not becoming the genuinely awesome person that I am now sooner

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. A relationship
2. Someone like me, who will find my awesomeness awesome
3. A good cook

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU'VE GIVEN TO THE WORLD:
1. Cliché Life Stuff It's officially the best thing in the world
2. I've given the world a second chance
3. The second coming

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I am the Messiah
2. I was adopted, because I'm the Messiah and I wasn't born of this world
3. Both of my big toes are called Jimmy and it often gets horribly confusing when I'm only trying to talk to one of them

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
1. Eyes
2. Lips
3. Shape

THREE EMOTIONAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
1. Ability to always have a conversation Because I'm not very good at conversation starters
2. Uhh, the fact that they like me
3. Humour

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Sustain a relationship Scratch that, BE IN a relationship
2. Magic out of a can
3. Lie

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:
1. Take a freaking guess "Can't miss what you can't remember" fuck that statement
2. Simplicity
3. My childhood was awful, so there really isn't anything else

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
1. A new necklace so that my chest doesn't feel so naked I suppose a bra could do that too.
2. Walter, but forever
3. A family

THREE REASONS WHY YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE:
1. Crap childhood
2. Cliché Life Stuff
3. You guys

THREE OF YOU YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing
2. Being awesome
3. Spontaneous thinks about stuff

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. [redacted] Okay, it's not funny a second time. In fact, it's quite disgusting. 
2. A poo, come to think about it
3. Learn telekinesis and save everyone's lives. It'd make the whole defeating Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein thing a lot easier.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Author/script writer I guess I already am a script writer
2. Director
3. Teacher

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY:
1. My home planet
2. California
3. Peru

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS:
1. Charmander
2. Pikachu
3. Squirtle I used to love Pokémon. In fact, I still do

THREE BOYS' NAMES:
1. Oliver
2. Peter
3. James Yup, I just copied Sophia's

THREE GIRLS' NAMES:
1. Vesper
2. Jane
3. Alectra And again.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Defeat Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein That's a given really
2. Make Zombie Plan The entire movie, not just the trailer
3. Climb up to Machu Pichu I really missed out when I didn't go to Peru. I got to go to the Prom instead. The Prom sucked. 


Okay, so I did take it as a bit of a joke, but if you got a laugh out it, so did I.
I'll bring you the more regular, awesome stuff soon.
Pete out.

Tropical Tuesday

It would actually be nice if it was tropical in any way, but it wasn't.

First Lesson - Free
In a bid to please Mrs Ainscow for the first time since forever, I decided to get a lot of work done for DT. Needless to say, getting a lot of work done in ProDesktop is actually like trying to convince a lion to eat the delicious salad you prepared for him rather than the gazelle at the other end of the table. I am actually quite literally at the same place I was on Friday, but now everything is fixed. Yay.

Second Lesson - DT
This lesson Mrs Ainscow was being stalked by a teacher from a less-than-well-off school that is totally worse than ours, and she was just watching her to see how Mrs Ainscow talked. After Mrs A had finished bitching at us, she made out to this strange woman that we know that she formally marks our work every other week, along with several other blatant lies compiled to make her, as a teacher, look good in front of this poor, pathetic nobody.

Assembly
I'll tell you bloody what, this was the worst constructed assembly I've ever seen. "Here's a pathetic attempt at making an amusing video that shows students working 'hard' at making whatever the fuck they're making for the Christmas market. Enjoy, cocksuckers." Of course that was completely paraphrased, but I knew that's what that woman who apparently teaches Citizenship (essentially PHSE) actually meant. Anyway, the real reason for me putting in the Assembly slot is because Josh H is a tit. Never have I seen anyone manage to topple backwards over these seats, but this is Josh. He was lightly dancing to the crappy music that was on the video, and he seemed to not realise that he's not as short as he once was, since his knees gave way and he totally toppled backwards over the seating and into the row below. He was completely stuck and needed I and [insert forgotten party member here] to help him up. It was hilarious. Everyone was laughing at him. Hahahahahahaha. Here's a safety warning, kids, when your knees finally just creep over the top of the back for the tiered seating, stop bouncing against them. You may hurt yourself and you will be incredibly embarrassed.

Third Lesson - Free
In a bid to forget about DT for a while, I wrote some Zero-G while hanging out with the D of the allamore variety. He's a pretty cool guy. I seem to remember that he, since forever, has found all of my jokes extremely hilarious, and this makes him a good person. I like good people. Good people like me. It's a nice world for us good people. Also, Josh round-house kicked a locker door shut and split his trousers during lunch. Hahahahahahahaha. Also during lunch though, Josh and Joe were calling me a paedophile, which really ticks me off since I don't actually insult them at all. Yes, I call Joe a Jew, but that's him and part of who he is. I'm not a paedophile and it's bloody annoying when the kids do it, but even more annoying when they do it. That's just taking something I enjoy doing and demoralising it completely and making me feel bad for wanting to help kids grow up to not be awful people. It's ridiculous. I'm nothing but nice and friendly to them. I also don't give two shits that it's a joke, because it's not.

Fourth Lesson - Media
I actually did some form of Media this lesson, since Miss T had that same stalker that Mrs Ainscow had, and as such Miss T actually needed to teach us something. She essentially got us to think about what an evaluation actually is, and that's a pretty hard question to answer. So is creativity. What the hell is creativity? Exactly, difficult, isn't it? This is what we'll have to do in the exam. Evaluate our creativity and other stuff. She then set us the task of filming an Interview with the Director. That sounds pretty cool, to be honest. It also gives me something to do in Media.

Fifth Lesson - Free
It's hard to recall what actually happened this lesson. I remember us talking for ages about what present Becca should get for [redacted] and in then Jess went on a [redacted] website so that we could look at [redacted]s and make a decision from there. It's a fairly good idea though, and I definitely wouldn't mind something to replace my Peruvian necklace, not that that has anything to do with what I was talking about, of course. I'm just saying, hint-hint, Thomas Hoier. After that, Dukey and Josh were trying to, once again, figure out how big the Ark would actually need to be to hold all of the animals. This aggravates me. Joe also insulted Media again, and I was aggravated. Harry, the little chubby blonde kid, also aggravated me, and I was about to lose it, but Josh Quach was all like "calm down". I then seemed to calm down somewhat after a few minutes, triggered for some reason by something Jess said to Becca, but I don't recall. I think I may have made a joke, but that's just natural. I think this lesson has proven that, while I've calmed down a lot over the last year or so, I'm actually still a really, incredibly angry person. Like super angry. Angrier than a honey badger with syphilis. What? He was just doing his thing, biting a few buffalo genitalia, and he just forgot about the slutty buffalo called Cheryl, and then he got syphilis. Damn.

Well, that was today. Tomorrow will be tomorrow. Actually, I think today might be tomorrow. Tomorrow might be yesterday though. Yesterday is definitely in a week though, especially since next week's turn is Wednesday. That made so much sense it's unbelievable.
Good night.

The Apocalypse

As many of you may know, one day the sky will darken, the Four Horseman will burn the planes and kill everyone and the apocalypse will definitely be upon us. This may happen in one of a few ways:

The Four Horsemen
As explained above, the Four Horsemen will destroy absolutely everything in their path as they exact revenge for whatever the fuck we did to them. Perhaps we can work it out together.

War: Pretty obvious really. He's getting pissed off at all of our pansy little skirmishes such as The Great War and The Great War 2: Rise of the Toothbrush Moustache and of course the War on Terror. This guy and his horse will show us what a real war is all about, and that'll totally fuck us up. This dude's going to kill us through the means of inflicting a stupidly huge-scale war on us.

Famine: Pissed off because he too finds it unbearable that there are poor little third-world kids that are starving and dying because we, as the designated "Rich North", have literally mountains of spare food, and have the ability to open fast-food chains that kill their animals all because we have this insatiable need to make absolutely certain that we definitely have enough food for everyone times ten, just in case there are a few fatties out there claiming that stealing their eleventh slice of pie away from them is against their obese-human rights. Famine will simply starve us all to death.

Conquest: I honestly thought that Conquest and War were the same thing, but I am definitely wrong there. Conquest is (I think) what you gain from war, which would be a victory through means of violence. In any case, he's totally going to rape all of us (a colloquial form of conquest is a person with whom one has had sex, so there you go) or set out to go Viking on our asses (which includes rape).

Death: Honestly, he's pretty much the epitome of the Apocalypse. Occasionally he's called pestilence, because I think a few Christians were all like "Nah, Death is such a boring name." You may know him, however, as the Grim Reaper with his Scythe. He's followed around by Hades, and therefore Hell is not far behind him. So, when the Four Horsemen do come, it'll be this guy that finishes everyone off who isn't already dead. This is also the guy who's responsible for all deaths ever. Damn him.

Zombies
This one is very simple indeed. Basically, there's going to be this virus in China, and they're going to cover it up by calling it 'human rabies' (which, by the way, there already are cases of in China) and soon after these doctors are going to be called into a hospital where a little girl is dying. They'll do everything they can to save her, but then she'll die. BOOM. She wakes up again and bites the doctor's head off, and then after a huge feast, loads of the nurses that had enough body parts to die and reanimate as a zombie did so. From that point on, we're fucked.

Many people believe that we'll be fine in a zombie apocalypse, because we have all this awesome technology and guns that can shoot the face off of someone a billion miles away. This will all we useless once small outbreak turns into epidemic. We've all played games where getting a huge machine gun and a shotgun means that you'll instantly be okay, but zombies can only be killed if you destroy the brain. That means that everything from grenades to SMGs is completely useless. That's just something to think about while you prepare your zombie kit. The only real way to survive a zombie apocalypse is if you put yourself up in a heavily defended castle.

The Rapture
I and Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein are going to have a huge fight at some point in the future. To mark the occasion where he finally pisses me off to the point where I'm all like "That's it, Seven Years of War, right now!" I am going to Rapture all of the pure souls from this Earth. This will involve stripping you all down to either tit or bollock-naked and sending you up into the heavens. Everyone who is left will have to choose a side. Either I, the Messiah, or Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein, the Antichrist. (FYI, some say that Conquest was the Antichrist, but some others say that he's the Messiah. I'm allergic to horses, so therefore Dukey must be Conquest, thus solving the two-thousand year argument.)

But how would you possibly know which religion is the correct one? I honestly can't tell you this, and I'll most likely tell you on the day. I may go for Scientology, just to piss Josh Hilton off. Because imagine if that religion was correct? I mean, seriously, the day Scientology is correct is the day that the Rapture comes. Oh... hold on a minute. I recommend you all convert to Scientology.

So yeah, after I get pissed off at Dukey, he'll call War down from the burning planes and shit will go down. I may do a deal with the devil and set Famine on him, just because when I'm being fucked with, any and all means of redemption are absolutely fine. The real clincher will be who can convince Death to take the soul of the other one after seven years of using up all our other horse-death-lines (do you see what I did there?). The events after the Seven Years of War are completely determined by whoever wins the battle. Either way, all the good people will be in heaven and the entirety of the human race who isn't Gandhi (sounds like I've chosen the religion) will be doomed to live on this shitty planet.

A Huge-Ass Meteor

BOOM!!

Well, there are the eventualities for you. But who knows how we'll die? I certainly don't. Discuss it amongst yourselves.

I Love You, November

As you can quite plainly see from the posts to the right of this one, November was a fricking awesome month. Over the course of the last month I have realised my potential for blogging, and as such I am now the best blogger on the face of the planet.

Let's take a look at some personal bests smashed in November, just to clarify how awesome it's been.

Post Count
Previous Best: February (14)
New Best: November (16)

Countries
Previous Best: United Kingdom for all views.
New Best: United Kingdom, United States of America, Russia, France, China and Israel. I'm super multi-cultural now. I could take over the world with these countries.

Page Views
Previous Best: October (218) - Not sure why that is, October was dire.
New Best: November (219 +) - naturally that could change over the next couple of hours.

November was all about beating myself, and not in like the "Oh life's a bit shit" kind of way, but the "Yes! I just beat my personal best" kind of self-harming.

COMICS! 
Yes, November saw the mass introduction of the most awesome short MS Paint comics known to man-kind. Okay, they're not good, they're rarely funny and they're actually mostly pictures from Facebook. However, at the end of October I discovered that I actually could put pictures in my blog, and now I've gone a little bit mental with some of the images. I particularly enjoy the guy being royally fucked by bats while a badger snarls at him. That was a little bit hilarious.

Self-Confidence
I have to be honest with you, over the last month I think I've seen a huge-ass boost in my esteem and self-confidence. I now actually believe in myself, and I have this whole image in my head of how I'll become a big Hollywood director. I won't actually become a Hollywood director, because that would cause me to become a little bit famous, and I don't want that. But seriously, lately I've just noticed how awesome I am now. Pretty much everyone on the face of the planet now looks at me and thinks, "What a nice guy," as opposed to, "Who? Oh yeah, don't like him very much." I've just become more well-rounded as a person, and I've come to realise just how hilarious I actually am. I'm pretty damn hilarious. I'm also highly attractive. Form a queue and snatch me up while you can.

What I have realised about myself is that literally nothing has changed at all, yet I'm still super happy. Why? Well, I now accept that things are just fine. I accept that despite the fact that I'm perpetually lonely in my home, I do have a whole host of the best people on the planet who will always love me and look out for me, and why should I complain about anything when this is a fact? And if I'm truly honest with myself, if I just expanded my boundaries a bit, and let a few more people into my life, then I'd have more friends than the Dali Llama (spell check). I'm not bigging myself up here, I just think that you people as a species genuinely like me now that I'm a super happy fun guy. Recently I've found myself turning people down as opposed to the other way round. That is a good thing. Okay, it means that I'm not fully ready to let the masses bow down at my feet yet and pray for forgiveness, but it does mean that I'm not a loser. Losers are losers.

So, this is what November has done to me. Pretty cool, huh? I'm sure I was supposed to say something else, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. I've actually been writing this post all night on and off, so forgive me for I have sinned.

It only remains to say thank you, people of the world, for accepting me as the hilariously awesome person that I am and one day I will endeavour to save you all from the apocalypse.

Thank you.

Traumatising Monday

I literally went on a website and copied the first adjective I read. It just so happened to be the word 'traumatising'. I must make it clear that there was nothing traumatising at all about today and it was actually quite pleasant. I must warn you, though, it wasn't a very "Ooh, I'll write about that on my blog" day. So uh... prepare yourself for a very short blog post.

First Lesson - Media
I was out and all about this lesson. I may pretend that I've always been super far ahead in Media and always have stuff in on time and such, but today was literally the last day I had to do everything. With the evaluation done, the next step was coursework moderation. Now, in my case, that should've meant "Oh, here's my work. Enjoy," but instead it was more like, "Oh bollocks, I forgot to get Westie to help me finish my website" and thus the morning of madness began. Okay, I say madness, but after I told Westie what needed to be done and rushed around getting my trailer converted and embedded (it turned out that there was one tiny scene that hadn't been coloured like the rest of them. All of the teachers and everyone else missed it but I, and therefore I had to do it last minute because it was bugging me so much), it was all clean sailing. Westie was all like, "FIVE MORE MINUTES!" and then Luke was all like "We need to update the list to end all lists" and thus it was so. I could explain what the list to end all lists is, but at least half of all genders who read this will most definitely be offended. But that's because females are whiny, little ... I mean uh... who said that derogative comment? So yeah, Westie got the website done and done forever and I now owe him three favours in return, because making a website is a pretty big favour, and then I gave my work in with at least three minutes to spare.

Second Lesson - Free
What exactly did I do this lesson? Oh yeah, nothing. I was going to do some DT, but then I thought "Nah, I've got DT next. It's cool." and so I set about doing nothing for the rest of the lesson. I say nothing, but Dukey and I were making my Fantasy League team awesome so that next week I will beat the entire internet at football. So far I've been failing, but if I combine my intuition with Dukey's footballing knowledge, I know that I will definitely beat the internet at football. That's not bad for someone whose only knowledge of football comes from 1998, and half of those players have now retired or gone into lower leagues or are simply old news. David Beckham is not old news though. He'll never be old news.

Third Lesson - DT
This lesson wasn't too bad. It started with Ms Ainscow telling me that she couldn't access my work on the EPM (result!) and then she buggered off to do whatever she did. That meant that we were left to our own devices for the lesson, which I was perfectly fine with to be honest with you. I got on and made a bike in ProD, but nobody liked it because of the poor job I did. I explicitly explained that it was just a rough model, and didn't need to be complicated at all in the slightest, but noooooooo, that's not good enough is it?

Fourth Lesson - Free
Well, we made RichChief videos. If you go on YouTube, then you may be able to find some of our work there. You may even be lucky enough to find the videos we made today. Wouldn't that be cool? That's all I can really say about this free lesson.

Fifth Lesson - German
WHITE BOARDS!

Normal lessons are dull and boring.

White board lessons are fun and colourful.

Naturally all of Mr Nicholls' lessons are genuinely awesome, but white board lessons are something else. Everyone wants to take part in white board lessons. Even Mr Nicholls' apparently now black beard is super happy. Look at that cheesy grin it's sporting.

I'd like to clarify that in that short comic no one had any eyes or other facial features. I knew at least one of you would bring that up, so I'm going to clear it up now. I chose to be lazy and not draw eyes or other facial features. We're done here.

So, that was Monday. Wasn't too bad, was it? I don't think I should use the "first adjective I see" rule from now on though. The fact that anyone would start with a phrase that includes the word "traumatising", unless in jest, should just keep their problems to themselves or submit them to court.

Also, I've just beaten my monthly post-count. *Party pop*
My personal best so far was February with 14 posts, and this is the 15th post of November! *Party pop*
Go me!
Also, I don't know what was so interesting about October, because that's still topping the ratings since forever. I mean, seriously, October was the most neglected month since August. Why were you all so interested in it? November's where it's at! Get looking!

I thank you all for reading and please continue to do so forever.

Stupendous Friday

EDIT: I'd like to make it abundantly clear that this is my official 111th post! That's three ones next to each other. 111 is a pretty cool number by any means. Anyway, I believe I need to do this: *Party pop*

Dukey's adjectives are getting better.

For the record, I'd like to note that I currently feel like Action Man. That's not as cool as it sounds. I literally can't straighten my arms out because of all the pain their in, and pretty much any other elbow movement makes me wince. Action Man cannot straighten his arms out, and that's why I feel like him.

First Lesson - Kind of Media
I was with Luke at the start of the day, and to cut a story to its minimum, I essentially said to him, "Don't worry, I've done all my work now. I just have to walk in, say hi and walk out again." That's pretty much how it went. Although, I did decide to be a little bit nice.

Ms M: Good morning, Peter.
Me: Gooood morning. What exactly do you want me to do this lesson?
Ms M: Uhh...
Me: Miss T has told me to research black comedy.
Ms M: Ah well, top blue is booked ... if you ... want to work there.
Me: Okay. I'll see you later, Miss.

I had no intention of going to top blue to do any kind of work, so I got my book and joined the rest of the guys in the Library to do some reading and some chatting. Thumbs to the up.

Tutor Time
Worth mentioning because I've so far realised that I haven't talked about my Uni offers. I've had 3 so far, and they're all pretty fair. 300 points (BBB, or ABC etc) plus an Extended Project for Birmingham City, 280 points but 120 (equivalent to an A) of those have to be in Media for Teesside University, and finally Nottingham Trent gave me a offer of 280 points, but 200 (two Bs, or an A and C etc) have to be in two subjects. These are pretty good offers, and Lauren seemed to agree as we had a nice chat about it. See? I stayed relevant to the heading.

Second Lesson - Deutsch
Another round of Zeitgeist was upon us, and in his usual fashion Herr Nicholls picked on a starter person to answer questions, and then they would get to pick someone to answer the next question and so forth. What was particularly funny was that after a few rounds around the classroom, people picked up the habit of simply asking Paul to answer the next question, and this continued until Paul and Maraid (check spelling) were having an all out back-and-forth until the vicious cycle was broken by Herr Nicholls... and then he picked on Paul again. The person who said that learning a language isn't fun clearly hasn't met our German group.

Third Lesson - Structured Study
I think I had the intention of doing work this lesson, but then I failed and wrote some Zero-G. I really feel the need to get the writing of it done as soon as possible so we can get the voices recorded and eventually the filming.

The Rest of Friday
I could've put fourth and fifth separately, but they kind of merged into one. I believe I was lapping with Joshua of the House of Hilton before we found Joe and Becca, and then he fucked off to do some sort of work. Probably Chemistry. So, I was left with two of the best people on the planet. That's not really a bad deal, is it? In fact, all of the Krewe are just the best people on the planet. Well, I wouldn't quite say that Hoier is one of the best people on the planet, but I digress. The rest of the day was just generally fun. I got a fair amount of reading done, the other two got a fair amount of Bio work done. Joe threw bits of rubber at me; I was not impressed. Jed joined and got in Mr Knight's way. Edwards joined and had a staring contest with Jed. Jed remained undefeated. We then relocated to better seating. I tried to fix my arms by stretching them, and then Joe decided to help and almost snapped my tendons; Becca was concerned. Joe threw bits of rubber at me; I was not impressed. Alex Leach joined and threw bits of rubber at me; I was not impressed. We sat and chatted for the rest of the day. I got on the bus. The year whatevers that invade my personal 8 official (with actual room for 12) seats that I use to chat to Jonny and rent to the lower years had a Blackjack game and I was uninterested. I got off the bus and Courtney saved my life by warning me not to walk into the road and I was grateful. We then talked for the rest of the walk about the subjects that she might take in year 10. She has no clue. I advised her to take a wide variety of subjects, because that's what I did and look how I turned out. She then said "Oh, well I'd better not do that then" and I was all like "Oh you!" and said goodbye and she went home.

Today was a nice day. It was a little chilly, but it was a nice day.
Keep reading, readers.

Regimes and an Old Man

I am literally the most organised unorganised person on the face of the planet. If you go on my computer, not only is the My Documents folder broken down into the necessary sub-folders, but then I have my own folder marked "Peter" and inside that folder is all my personal stuff. This would include all my various stories, movies, a few games, screenshots, pictures (and of course the pictures folder is broken down again) as well as Zero-G, RichChief's main project which will hopefully soon bare fruition.

So, one could say I'm pretty well organised. One would be wrong.

Organised people have a structure to the day, a regime if you will. The best example I can think of this was when Bekah Hadley invited Joe and me over for Sunday lunch. I can't remember her entire list, but it was pretty extensive, and every item had a corresponding time so that she didn't fail to do any of these tasks. I do not do this. I do things as they happen, and if I have to enact that happening, it probably won't happen until late at night when I'm all out of films and start thinking "I actually need to do something about this now."

So, I guess you'd be wondering at this point about why on Earth I'm talking about all of this. Well, get this, readers. Now that my weight has stabilised and decided not to shift, I've decided to start exercising again in the hope that if I gain muscle weight, I will also gain actual weight.

"So wait, was that long, tedious introduction all to tell us that you've made a training regime?" Yes and no. Okay, it's a no. The only regime thing I do is that I've decided to go for a random half hour walk back from the bus stop instead of the usual five. I also take the dog for a walk every evening at approximately seven o'clock now that we've got him back for however long we do if not forever. I'm hoping it's forever. But when do I ever get that kind of luck? However, these extended walking periods aren't really going to change much, so I dug out my brother's old weights and started using them. Yes, I'm still as pathetic as I was three weeks ago and still really can't lift my weight for more than a few minutes without my entire torso saying "Nope." but somehow I've found a way to start off slowly and accept the fact that trying to start training my arm muscles with 10kg worth of weights is probably a bad idea, and I've instead opted for the beginner's five. I'm more likely to just be toning my muscles right now, but when I wake up most mornings with a searing pain in my biceps I know that I have just gotten a little bit stronger. Soon this strength will convert to weight and we'll say goodbye to my bony complexion.

Fuck yeah. Confidence for the win.

Anyway, I had a thought earlier. I somehow got "This Old Man" in my head, and then I thought about what we used to convert it to when we were kids. I then thought about exactly how weird and paedophilic that conversion actually was. Just roll with it and we'll see what happens.

This old man, he played two,
He played nick-nack on my poo. 
With nick-nack pally-whack, 
Give a dog a phone, 
This old man's a rolling stone. 


I don't know what that says about the rolling stones, if I'm fairly honest with you. I just realised something else too. Think about how weird and paedophilic the original version is.

This old man, he played three,
He played nick-nack on my knee. 
With nick-back pally-whack, 
Give a dog a bone,
This old man is rolling home. 


I certainly don't want my kids to grow up in a world where paedophilic old men roll on up to my kids, play "nick-nack" on their knees, bone dogs and then roll on home again. I also have a number of questions surrounding this song.

1. What the fuck is nick-nack, and why is he playing it on children?
2. What's a pally-whack?
3. Why did my teacher teach my this song, despite the fact that it's weird, perverted and since giving dogs bones is now illegal (sort of), the only possible explanation for the dog and bone thing is actually bestiality?
4. How on Earth does this old man roll?
5. What kind of message does this portray to our kids?

I already know the answer to number five. The fact of the matter is, kids are far too innocent to come up with all that stuff that my apparently demented brain thought of, and naturally think that giving a dog a phone is far more hilarious-a-lyric than giving them a bone.

I had such potential for this image. It was going to look awesome and it was going to be hilarious. But then I realised that I can't draw at all and failed. 

EDIT: I found a solution. Having Walter back was a real advantage to me.

The old dog and phone.

Well, I think that that wraps that up with that. You've been left with something to think about there. So get down and think about it.
Hutch out.

P.S. I just got totally told that my grammar was off for one sentence in this post. It was also stated that I apparently call myself a "grammar Nazi." I think this term is completely derogatory and I would never ever call myself that. I do indeed care a lot about grammar, and I do often correct people's grammar, and it has now even reached the point where my friends asked me to proof-read their work for grammar. I will not, even for one minute, pretend that I know grammar inside and out. Occasionally I get things wrong. Grammar is my strong point in languages, but I'm not a super genius who knows absolutely everything about it. Yet. (Yes, I do bloody well know that that was a sentence fragment. And no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying 'that that'). Stop trying to tell me that I'm someone who I'm not.