The Four Horsemen
As explained above, the Four Horsemen will destroy absolutely everything in their path as they exact revenge for whatever the fuck we did to them. Perhaps we can work it out together.
War: Pretty obvious really. He's getting pissed off at all of our pansy little skirmishes such as The Great War and The Great War 2: Rise of the Toothbrush Moustache and of course the War on Terror. This guy and his horse will show us what a real war is all about, and that'll totally fuck us up. This dude's going to kill us through the means of inflicting a stupidly huge-scale war on us.
Famine: Pissed off because he too finds it unbearable that there are poor little third-world kids that are starving and dying because we, as the designated "Rich North", have literally mountains of spare food, and have the ability to open fast-food chains that kill their animals all because we have this insatiable need to make absolutely certain that we definitely have enough food for everyone times ten, just in case there are a few fatties out there claiming that stealing their eleventh slice of pie away from them is against their obese-human rights. Famine will simply starve us all to death.
Conquest: I honestly thought that Conquest and War were the same thing, but I am definitely wrong there. Conquest is (I think) what you gain from war, which would be a victory through means of violence. In any case, he's totally going to rape all of us (a colloquial form of conquest is a person with whom one has had sex, so there you go) or set out to go Viking on our asses (which includes rape).
Death: Honestly, he's pretty much the epitome of the Apocalypse. Occasionally he's called pestilence, because I think a few Christians were all like "Nah, Death is such a boring name." You may know him, however, as the Grim Reaper with his Scythe. He's followed around by Hades, and therefore Hell is not far behind him. So, when the Four Horsemen do come, it'll be this guy that finishes everyone off who isn't already dead. This is also the guy who's responsible for all deaths ever. Damn him.
Zombies
This one is very simple indeed. Basically, there's going to be this virus in China, and they're going to cover it up by calling it 'human rabies' (which, by the way, there already are cases of in China) and soon after these doctors are going to be called into a hospital where a little girl is dying. They'll do everything they can to save her, but then she'll die. BOOM. She wakes up again and bites the doctor's head off, and then after a huge feast, loads of the nurses that had enough body parts to die and reanimate as a zombie did so. From that point on, we're fucked.
Many people believe that we'll be fine in a zombie apocalypse, because we have all this awesome technology and guns that can shoot the face off of someone a billion miles away. This will all we useless once small outbreak turns into epidemic. We've all played games where getting a huge machine gun and a shotgun means that you'll instantly be okay, but zombies can only be killed if you destroy the brain. That means that everything from grenades to SMGs is completely useless. That's just something to think about while you prepare your zombie kit. The only real way to survive a zombie apocalypse is if you put yourself up in a heavily defended castle.
The Rapture
I and Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein are going to have a huge fight at some point in the future. To mark the occasion where he finally pisses me off to the point where I'm all like "That's it, Seven Years of War, right now!" I am going to Rapture all of the pure souls from this Earth. This will involve stripping you all down to either tit or bollock-naked and sending you up into the heavens. Everyone who is left will have to choose a side. Either I, the Messiah, or Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein, the Antichrist. (FYI, some say that Conquest was the Antichrist, but some others say that he's the Messiah. I'm allergic to horses, so therefore Dukey must be Conquest, thus solving the two-thousand year argument.)
But how would you possibly know which religion is the correct one? I honestly can't tell you this, and I'll most likely tell you on the day. I may go for Scientology, just to piss Josh Hilton off. Because imagine if that religion was correct? I mean, seriously, the day Scientology is correct is the day that the Rapture comes. Oh... hold on a minute. I recommend you all convert to Scientology.
So yeah, after I get pissed off at Dukey, he'll call War down from the burning planes and shit will go down. I may do a deal with the devil and set Famine on him, just because when I'm being fucked with, any and all means of redemption are absolutely fine. The real clincher will be who can convince Death to take the soul of the other one after seven years of using up all our other horse-death-lines (do you see what I did there?). The events after the Seven Years of War are completely determined by whoever wins the battle. Either way, all the good people will be in heaven and the entirety of the human race who isn't Gandhi (sounds like I've chosen the religion) will be doomed to live on this shitty planet.
A Huge-Ass Meteor
BOOM!!
Well, there are the eventualities for you. But who knows how we'll die? I certainly don't. Discuss it amongst yourselves.
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