My Visit to the Keydoc

Since all sources of heat in my house are now dead I have to occupy myself because now the place in which I live isn't this warm snuggly heaven that I can use to escape from the bitingly cold and harsh temperatures of the outside world. I don't know how they died, but all I know is that my hands and feet aren't working properly because my blood is more concerned with keeping other parts of my body warm. In fact, this situation becomes more dire because of the fact that I can't even have a hot shower. I like hot showers! So I've had to employ my knowledge of science and do everything necessary to keep my room warm. I have shut the curtains, replaced my bulbs and turned my light on. From it being a lot beneath 20 degrees this morning, it is now 17 degrees, which is adequate. Go me and science.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about. That up there gave me an excuse to write this post that I've been meaning to do for a while, because there's no better way to start a post than with a complaint about how shitty my day has been so far. I wanted to tell this story because it was amusing to Josh H (but everything I say is amusing to him, so that wasn't the biggy) and Hannah Elwood (that was the important bit, because I don't talk to her very often, but apparently I'm awesome enough for her to suddenly tell me the state of her insides [suddenly realised that that sounds weird, I mean her intestines and shit, not her va-jay-jay]).

Anyway, I take you back about a year before I had even started this blog. I know, you wouldn't believe that I've only been blogging for 9 months, would you? But yeah, it was more than a year ago in fact, but I had been suffering all day from horrible stomach cramp. Eventually it had gotten to the point where I could barely move. I sat down to fuss the dog at the end of the hallway, but then he left and I literally couldn't get back up again. Eventually my Nan noticed and was all concerned and shit that I appendicitis and I was going to die.

No one is safe from appendicitis. 

So my Dad took me down to the keydoc. The next part of the story is why this story was amusing to Josh and Hannah. Because I'm independent now and because my apparent-father hates me, I was standing (standing was an incredible feat for me at this time. You have no idea how much pain I was in) at the reception, and when it was my turn to see the receptionist I got a very blunt question.

"Do you have an appointment?"

This made me angry. In my head I was saying, "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE IF I HAVE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT?!!!" and my mood can be expressed by this picture:

Yes. My hair had become fire.

But in reality, I was in too much pain to raise my voice so I decided to exploit this and look cute. "N-no..." and I used my eyes to beg to her that I needed help now or I would die.

Receptionist: "Okay, fill out this form and take a seat."
Inside voice: "FILL OUT THE FORM!? I'M BARELY STANDING UP AND I'M CLUTCHING MY STOMACH IN AGONY, AND YOU WANT ME TO FILL OUT A FUCKING FORM?!"
Outside voice: "O-okay..."

I collapsed against the wall and wrote down the unnecessary details. It asked me what my symptoms were. I wanted to write, "Death" but that seemed a bit extreme, so I went with "abdominal pain" to sound smart, but in reality I had come here so that a doctor could tell me what my symptoms were, so once again I wasn't particularly happy. I then handed her my best attempt at the form that the evil harlot made me fill in and then I went to sit in the waiting area.

The next part of the story was pretty uneventful. Essentially I went into the doctor's office to see someone who had no idea who I was, nor what my symptoms were, which struck me as odd because I had just spent five minutes filling in a form. Where the hell did it go? Anyway, the next part was pretty standard.

Doctor: So what's wrong?
Inside voice: I'm dying. My insides are burning up and I'm dying. It's definitely not appendicitis because it is most definitely Ebola. Yup, it is because my spleen just melted and is not on the floor. I'd mop that up if I were you.
Outside voice: It's just this blinding pain in my abdomen.
Doctor: I'm now going to touch you to see where the pain is.
Inside voice: People get put in prison for that you paedophile!
Outside voice: Ouch.

It turned out not to be appendicitis and just a lot of pain. In fact, I had limped out of there knowing exactly what I had done when I walked in. I was in pain, and that's the only explanation they could give.

So, that was the story of my trip to the keydoc. I hope you enjoyed it.