Hello and Welcome to May

I would first love to direct your attention to Westie's blog and his wonderful rant about Facebook. I totally agree with his opinion on the matter in this amusing, witty entry from David Westburn the Third of Bonnockburn.

Anyway, what have I got on the tables for you on this fine evening? I'm not sure, really. I haven't really been all updatey with you recently, and my blogging skills are going down the toilet somewhat. I haven't done a Salute to Stupidity in god knows how long and my post count is falling again.

I can, however, conclude that my DT coursework is finally finally finished with a massive "FUCK YOU!" printed on the front for Mrs Painswhore. I didn't do it in so many words though. It's hidden in subtext, you could say. Still, at the beginning of the course she said it wouldn't work, and it has, so she can go and suck off a horse after she eats another one of her children.

Where were the heart and soul in that pathetic little rant? 


Hmm... I see what you mean. It wasn't nearly good enough was it? Where's the fiery passion? The flame that burns deep in my soul and funnels out to my fingertips to allow me to write the best damn blog you've ever read?

Perhaps it's to do with this whole slowing down thing that's going on right now. Everything seems to be just... okay, and people are accepting that and not being adventurous. Yes, one or two people are trying to stir something up a bit, but the world has collectively turned around to them and said, "Meh." Christ, I took that from my friend circle to the entire world, didn't I? Well, let's face it. The biggest story in the entire world over the last two weeks has been about these two people, one of which just happens to be related to this really important woman who wears the crown of some sort of country, who decided that they'd get married and settle down for ever. What part of settling down involves a huge-ass wedding ceremony... hang on...

That's what I call a huge-ass wedding ceremony with a pair of giant testicles to get things going. Anyway, while this stupid thing was happening I found myself only caring about how pointless the guns that the royal guards are carrying are:

You are right to panic, citizens of the United Kingdom. When the Chinese or the French or whoever happens to despise us at the time wants to invade us, these guys will be standing around with what is essentially a knife on a stick ready to defend us with. A tip: while a bayonet is useful on an assault rifle, it's not very useful if you put it over the barrel of the gun. Take it off. Wait, this is a 1.5gigapixel picture... I can zoom in on individual people! Ooh, let's play a fun game for a moment.

Okay, I'd first like to point out that no one in that picture is even making an attempt to look at the royal couple and are instead just mocking the royal guard and their pointless weaponry that will help us not at all in the coming invasion, but look at the guy in the middle. Not only does he not care about the wedding, but he's not even noticing that a tiny chav is trying to steal his camera because he's just noticed that it made absolutely no sense that the dirt on his shoe is in fact dirt, because he didn't traverse any grass or muddy ravine or anything like that because he blatantly stepped in dog shit and is trying his very best to get rid of it inconspicuously because he realises how much it smells.

Those guys are bored shitless. They should be out saving the world, not playing babysitter for His Royal Highness and someone who apparently isn't as good looking as Pippa Middleton or whatever her blasting name is. Now look at the guys behind them. How in the hell can they see anything? I can't see their eyes, and therefore they can't see what's in front of them. They're men of the military! They have to be able to see. It's one of the criteria for being part of the military!

I love this guy. He's like, "LOOK AT ME! I'M THE BEST BECAUSE I HAVE A BIGGER BEAR SKIN HAT THAN ALL OF YOU! I ALSO HAVE A SWORD WHICH IS ONE MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN YOUR STUPID GUN-KNIFE THING THAT YOU'VE SO STUPIDLY PUT TOGETHER TO MAKE IT TOTALLY USELESS IN EVERY WAY!" He's so happy.

Also, I just searched Pippa Middleton on Google and I have to ask the world something right now. "What the hell? Why are you getting such a boner over this quite frankly average looking girl? She's not that attractive. Certainly no more attractive than her sister, that's for sure. You know what, world? Sometimes you are quite stupid."

Anyway, enough of that and more of this:

I don't think I've ever seen anything more creative in my entire life. It's just brilliant! Well done, whoever did this, well done indeed.

Anyway, I think I've complained enough about the wedding and other stuff, so let's move onto something a little more positive.

The US military did something right!

Yup, earlier I heard on the news that Osama Bin Laden, the evil tyrannical leader of Al-Qaeda, has been killed in a raid by the US military. They did it with as few casualties as possible. That's bloody good, I must say. For once I would happily walk up to any US soldier, shake their hand, salute and say, "Well done." At all other times though they are completely over-the-top and full of college drop-outs that can't do anything more than run into the front lines, kill lots of people and then die because they forgot to get all the correct injections they needed tied in with the fact that they heard injections and immediately thought to go out to these middle eastern countries to score some opium or whatever.

Even so, well done on ending that evil tyrants parade of terror. That's one down, only Evil Tyrant Lord Dukeystein to go. You can stay out of this one, America, I've got it covered.