Cliché Theories: Poseidon

This is, fortunately or unfortunately, another nonsense theory. I don't come up with a lot of serious theories, but my nonsense theories are too good to be ignored.

As you may or may not know, I don't particularly like swimming or being in water, especially the ocean. This is because of reasons that I can't be bothered, and are too personal to place on the internet. Anyway, it is also a known fact that humans aren't built for swimming. Sure, they can do it, but it takes a shit load of effort and we certainly can't breathe underwater. In fact, we're so shit at swimming that we've had to build apparatus to help us do this tedious activity.

But why on Earth do we yearn so much to dunk our quite frankly terribly evolved bodies into the ocean? Why would we want to be in the sea so badly?

By the way, if you're still thinking that this is serious, you might want to turn away. It's about to get downright silly.

Humans were once amphibious creatures.

See?

Thousands and millions of years ago, before we'd evolved to throw sticks at mammoths, we lived in the oceans. We had gills and webbed extremities. We were happy and content. Feasting on the fish of the world. And of course, because the human race is quite slender, and because of our many appendages that were adapted for swimming, we were bloody quick while zipping around the seabed, avoiding predators. It is also, of course, within our nature to build weapons to compensate for our lack of physical strength, so we had the shark hunting thing down. Well, I suppose it would have been aquatic dinosaur hunting back then, but you get the idea.

In fact, there was quite the unbalance in the oceans. So much so that the Water God, Poseidon, got really pissed off at us and told us to get the fuck out of the oceans. Naturally we had a bit of an argument with Poseidon, and this ended up being the Great Oceanic Wars which eventually ended in the extinction of the aquatic dinosaurs. What, you really thought that an ash cloud and a bit of a chill was going to wipe out all of the water species as well? Hah, you moron.

I would like to take this moment to remind you that anything and everything I have said up to this point, and further on, within this blog post, is all complete bullshit. Apart from the bit at the start stating that the following is bullshit. And this bit as well. But everything after this bit is bullshit again.

So yeah, while we did manage to wipe out the greatest hunters that have ever lived in the Biggest War Ever (the colloquial title of the Great Oceanic Wars), Poseidon was clearly not a god to be trifled with, and he managed to kick out each and every single one of the human race.

Things were looking bad. We had to evolve quickly to survive. Humans had left the oceans before, and so they could breathe, but did eventually have to go back into the oceans to survive. Luckily, many children were born without gills for some unexplained reason. Call it adapting to survive or some shit like that. Also, quite luckily, these children were born near the current evolution of primates, and so when the aquatic humans did eventually die, the children were left in safe hands. You know, the ones who weren't eaten.

So the children grew up with the primates and eventually evolved to no longer have webbed hands and feet and started walking properly and adapted their technique of making weapons and tools to survive in the big bad world of land. Societies formed once more, and we forgot about the oceans for thousands of years.

Until some plonker decided to explore other continents. I mean, he couldn't wait for the invention of planes, could he? No. Why would it even be a he? Because in those times women were subjugated and treated as baby factories. Fit to purpose and all that *cough cough* Whoa, who said that? Sexist bigot. God, some people, eh?

I'm getting off-topic. Some absolute dickweed decided to visit other continents, and so he precariously stepped into the sea, and instantly realised that there was no way to propel himself. In fact, he could barely keep himself afloat. He felt uneasy, but he was spurred on by his want to explore the world. He saw a piece of bark floating not so far away and he came up with an idea. He grabbed onto the piece of bark and kicked himself from the land and willed himself to carry on to places unknown.

He drowned.

The bark wasn't buoyant enough. After-all, it was just a bit of bark.

But the other humans were inspired. They cut down trees and created rafts. However, they were not very stable and they noticed that when it rocked the raft would simply tip and the occupying human would drown. They then compensated for this, and now the rafts were bowl-shaped and were much more capable of staying afloat and battling the waves. But they would get nowhere quickly, and one clever clogs added a bow so that it would cut through the waves. They decided that the name "raft" would not do for this invention, and chose to call it a "boat" for some reason.

Or, you know, whatever "boat" is in cave-speak.

With these newfangled "boats" they then thought to create paddles so they could propel themselves through the water. Soon these boats got bigger, and larger so that they could carry extra food. These boats soon became to tiring to paddle, so the humans decided to add large sheets of cloth to the boats to harness the power of the wind. They called the sheets "sails" and this new, awesome invention a "ship". Soon, they reached other continents and spread around the world, forging the way for the magnificent planet that we are today.

The human race was, once again, water-borne.

This pissed off Poseidon a bit, because the humans started fishing again, but he couldn't actually do anything about it since they weren't technically in the water. He then enlisted the help of the God of Thunder, Thor to invent storms to try and kill the humans while they were at sea.

Everything's starting to make sense now, right? The largest ship ever made, Titanic (at the time, that's not really true anymore) sank on its maiden voyage. Why? Because Poseidon was pissed off that humans had created an even larger vessel.

And yes, I am completely aware that I just mixed Greek and Norse mythology. So what? This entire post is insane anyway. Get the fuck over it.

Anyway, that pretty much explains why things are as they are today. But of course, at some point, some titbox decided that it would a good idea to find out what was underneath the water's surface. Did he learn nothing from his ancestry? Either way, that paved way for the invention of flippers and oxygen tanks and goggles and breathers and shit.

So there you go, the human race is not built to swim or be in water. And that is exactly why I will not go in the ocean unaided.  Poseidon wants to kill us. Well I for one won't let him. You happy now? I've explained it.

Right, that's that.

Pete out.