Life as a Salesman

I feel like this post is either going to really informative, bitchy, hilarious, or all three. Let's find out together.

So in my last blog post, I mentioned that I went into the sales and marketing industry for a couple of weeks. Only a week before that I actually had my interview.

"I've decided to give you a job," that fucking asshole said only a day after my initial interview.
"Fantastic! I can't wait to start!" I exclaimed excitedly, unknowing of how awfully corrupt, fascist and cut-throat this dickhead of an industry is.

This was the start of a job from Hell itself.

My first morning began at 8AM. I know, right. Eight-fucking-ay-em. The first thing I had to do was learn a pitch. Yup, when those folks walk up to you in the street, they have a script. But they get taught it in such a way as to make you think that they're singling you out. Let me give you an example.

Sales Dick: "Oh hey there, take a look at this!"
Unassuming Pedestrian: "What's this then?"
At this point, the salesman completely ignores the question.
SD: "I'd just like to say a massive thank you for stopping today. So many people just walk straight past, so it genuinely lifts my spirits to chat to you. So what're you out doing today, just a bit of shopping?"
UP: "Yeah, just getting some socks."
SD: "Fantastic! Well, if you've got thirty seconds, we could have a quick chat."
At this point, the Sales Dick does what is known in the industry as a "turn and burn". Essentially, they completely turn around, walk over to their station without looking back, just assuming that the Unassuming Pedestrian will follow. And they do. Once you break eye contact and lead someone, they'll follow. We're fucking sheep.
SD: "So I'm here today with [various charity], you've heard of us before, yeah?"
UP: "Yes..."
SD: "So I'm sure you know about all the great we do, yeah?"
UP: "Well yes..."
SD: "And I'm sure you'll agree that it's a really great cause, right?"
UP: "Yeah, of course."
Notice here how the SD twists the question, assuming the answer of "yes". It's another cruel and evil trick.

I'm going to stop the pitch there, because you sort of get the idea. The entire notion of the pitch is to assume all of the answers that the target will say. You may have noticed that in the first question. "Just a bit of shopping?" If this is wrong, then they'll be corrected. We can't help it. "So I can definitely count on your support." In fact, even when we've gotten the citizen to sign their life away, the sales cunt still assumes everything. "So I just need your postcode. So LE3..." It's all designed to make folks give over answers unsuspectingly because they want to correct the sales prick.

I even got taught how to take negative responses and turn them around.

UP: "Well I don't want to give away card details."
SD: "Oh no, don't worry. Your account number is just the card ID. It's pretty much just your name in number format, and the sort-code is just your bank branch."
UP: "I prefer to put money in a bucket."
SD: "Well actually, this is the safest way to do it, because it ensures that all of your money goes straight to the charity on a bank to charity basis. Money in a bucket can be taxed, lost or all sorts of stuff."

BASTARDS.

UP: "Well surely if you're paid by the charity, some of the money I donate will go to you?"
SD: "No, actually, we're paid from a pre-allocated marketing budget set aside by the charity and managed under a separate company."

CUNTS. Stop and think about that. A pre-allocated marketing budget set aside by the charity. Fine, so the money that you might donate today might not, in fact, go to me. But where did the pre-allocated marketing budget come from, exactly? DONATIONS!

I hope I'm providing a service here today. Don't fall for this stuff. Put these sales companies out of business. Especially if they're making money for charity. Ask them if they're paid. If they're not, donate by all means, but if they are, then refuse and give to local charities or buy loads of stuff from charity shops. Just don't let these bastard companies continue.

But how much are these assholes paid? Well, that depends how high up in the hierarchy you are. At entry level, you get paid between £14 and £25 for each person that you sign up, depending on their age. When you become a team leader, you get a little more based on your team's income. That's already more money you're taking from the charity. When you become an event organiser, you have to do more admin, so you paid double for everyone you sign up and a commission based on your teams. And then when you rise to the manager level and have an office of your own, you're very easily earning £1000 a week because you're stealing even more money from charities. That's a fuck tonne of money that these bastards are stealing from the mouths of starving African children.

It also makes you a bad person. I have never felt hatred like I did for these people. They're all assholes, and they sell all the time. Even in regular conversation. "So you've had a good day, yeah?" I know it sounds innocent, but there's the assumption again. A normal person would just ask, "Have you had a good day?"

Let me lead you through my steady decline.

I didn't make any sales today. That sucks. Ten hours wasted on nothing.
Oh good yes, I'm chatting to someone. Turn and burn. Great. You're interested? Good, money. Just sign over your life. Jolly good. Just made £20. From a charity. Fuck.
"Oh it's no worry if you don't want to sign up today. Just check us out online and make a decision later." No one gets paid if they do it online. Perfect.

That's right, I started sabotaging myself. I didn't want to make money any more.

After two weeks, I had decided that enough was enough. I woke up, fully intending to go into the office. There I was, on the shitter at 6AM, thinking about how bloody awful this job was, when I made a snap decision. I'm quitting. Now. I'm going. I need to text my manager. "I'm not coming in today. Or ever again. I can't stand stealing from charities. I hope you all rot in Hell." Back to bed.

Bear in mind at this point I was pretty desperate for money. I was so desperate that I started working at Argos when my contract at Wicksteed was up. I know, crazy. Hopefully I have demonstrated how crappy and evil this organisation is.

So remember, if you ever see anyone in a nice suit, with that really dumb hair that professionals seem to have these days (you know, with the shaved sides and the ridiculous quiff), punch them in the face immediately. I'll help.

Sometimes I see the folks I used to work with. I swear at them. A lot.

Don't ever work in sales. Just don't do it. Save yourself.

Pete out.