Today was windy.
Real bloody windy.
Of course, a bit of wind only ever blew a couple of hats off, right?
Wrong. Dead wrong.
Today it was so windy that the university actually and genuinely sent out an email to all staff and students advising them on how best to avoid having your their ruined.
"Take shelter. Avoid open areas."
No shit. But I thought that if I went near buildings, they could fall on top of me. Damn it, that's actually a rather good point. I guess there's only one real way to safely deal with the wind, and the university was completely wrong about it:
Yeah, Mazza P's got it right. She and her oddly cartoonish feet were probably having the time of their lives today in the harsh weather.
The reason I am writing this post, however, is not to complain about DMU's patronising take on how dumb students really are, but to chat about my experiences with this weather.
When I left my house this morning, the sky was blue, the Sun was out and it was genuinely a nice day. There was a light precipitation when I arrived on campus, but what more can be expected from the average British Spring day, hey?
Today was the day when I was supposed to be running around campus like a loon filming every inch of the Faculty of Health and Life Sciences while it was empty. I thought I'd gotten lucky with the weather. I stepped outside and immediately got rained on.
Ah, I thought, I'd probably better start inside. I went inside and set up my tripod in a fairly open-plan room. I adjusted my settings for indoors, opened the iris and lo and behold, suddenly the Sun pours in and completely ruined the shot. Damn it, I cursed briefly, not to worry though. Easy to fix. Today was apparently one of those days when the weather changes its mind more rapidly than a bipolar bear on acid.
Let me briefly talk about the bipolar bear. The bipolar bear spends its days not entirely sure what to make of itself. Sometimes it is happy, and then sometime it really isn't. More to this, the bipolar bear doesn't actually know what its natural habitat is. Unfortunately, it seems to be a rare offspring of a Canadian Brown and a North Polar. It's not even sure which parent is from where. As such, the bipolar bear is both uncomfortably warm and freezing cold at the same time. When it digs its teeth into a delicious moose, it wants to eat penguins. And of course, when it finds a delicious penguin to chow down on, it wants some meaty moose, drenched in maple syrup. The bipolar bear never knows what it wants and never seems to be satisfied. Except when it is satisfied.
Could you live in this torment? What if both of its homes are destroyed by global warming and Canadians alike? We have to save it. We have to help it.
#savethebipolarbear2015
What the hell am I talking about?
Uhh. Yeah. Soon, I had gotten bored with trying to film in this undetermined weather and I decided to make my way home. I popped the lock on my bike, got on it and waited for the brief rain to pass. The Sun shone through like any old summer's day. You honestly wouldn't believe that it had rained 12 separate times in the last hour. I thought I was in the clear. It would only take me ten minutes to cycle home. That must have been enough time to avoid getting wet all over, right?
My god. Was I wrong. I was so wrong.
I'm sure most folks around have been shot by a BB gun or a paintball at least once in their life, right? Well, imagine that, but a million of them all at the same time. Made of ice.
Shit. Fucking ow! Bastard! My face! My ears! MY BEARD!!!!
That's right. God got his shotgun out and shot me in the face. It hailed right at me. And by doing some basic maths, I can determine that being on my bike against the wind and with hail coming at me, it like doubles the relative velocity of shit hitting my face, so I'm probably lucky to be alive.
I arrived home, battered and bruised and went straight for the rum to ease my pain. I'm okay now.
I narrowly avoided death on this occasion. Had I listened to the university's email, I might not have had to endure this. Let that be a lesson to you, kids. If your university warns you about wind, and you laugh in their face, they're going to throw millions of tiny balls of ice into your face and kill you.
Lesson over.
Pete out.
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