Sorry for the massive spoiler alert there. If you remember my last entry for Cliché Theories about attention spans, then you may well remember that at the end I wrote:
"Next time on Cliché Theories: Did dinosaurs really invent the iPod?
Okay, that's a lie, I won't be doing that."
Well guess what, fuckers, THAT WAS A LIE! I AM DOING THAT!
This isn't an actual theory, just it seems convenient for me to do it.
See, if you think about it carefully, the design of the iPod is well-suited for dinosaurs. Some of them have fingers, a lot of them have flat feet like elephants, and guess what? The iPod fits both of those niches.
Of course, I'm talking about the original iPod, the iPod when iPods were still cool.
See? Look. One massive button. That was the iPod's main feature. The fact that it was fucking easy to use. Even a Stegosaurus could use that. Humans have fingers and intelligence, whereas dinosaurs had very little of either. They were basically just big eating machines, but the iPod caters to that market. The dumb, mindless animal market. With massive hands/feet. Now I'm not saying that iPod owners are fat or stupid, it's just that if you were fat or stupid, you probably had an iPod, whereas intelligent people just used their phones or some complicated Sony device.
Oh yeah, I don't like Apple tech. Just getting that out there.
Just let me show you an example of one of the leading competitors for the iPod during that time.
Wow. You know what happened when I searched "Popular MP3 player"? I got a search result that consisted entirely of iPods and iPod shuffles and iPod rip-offs. Guess there are more dinosaurs alive today than we thought.
There you are. That was a very popular MP3 player design. Something you could plug straight into your computer. In many ways, it was much, much better than the iPod. More convenient. But what the fuck would a dinosaur do with that? They can't just expect to operate something that technical, with all those fiddly buttons. No, they need one big central button.
Speaking of the Shuffle, in fact, that would be even better. That doesn't even have a screen for them to break. They just push the big, central button (it's got other little fiddly buttons, but not the 'on' and 'play' buttons, so they're not really needed) and listen to whatever comes up. In fact, there's no point in having a screen for dinosaurs because they can't read.
Don't you dare point out the logic that dinosaurs wouldn't understand music. Perhaps if they listened then they'd gain sentience over time! After all, isn't music the most basic form of communication?
Huh, that being the case, today's music is one massive string of insults. Even if you can't understand what Justin Bieber is saying, you feel aurally raped. See what I did there? I wrote aural instead of oral. That's clever. And witty.
Anyway, I think the evidence is clear. The iPod, and definitely the Shuffle, were invented exclusively for dinosaurs... a few million years late.
Speaking of audio devices created for creatures/people who were around before the invention of electronic devices, check out an MP3 player designed exclusively for Jesus:
Damn those fundamentalists be crazy.
Anyway, Apple is controlled by dinosaurs. End of.
Oh wait, that's an entirely different theory. Guess that'll have to wait until next time!
Pete out.
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