Either way, I was super cautious on the way home because the trains were on strike, but luckily it seemed that my particular journey wouldn't be affected, but nonetheless I made sure I got there early so I could get a good look at the train times matrix just to be absolutely certain that I wouldn't have to wait for an ungodly amount of time.
It seems like my caution was misplaced.
Let's tell this from the point of view from Inside Voice. I'm now going to take you back to last Thursday, as if it were real time.
Ah, good, my train isn't affected by the strikes. I'm just going to waltz on in. Eugh, ticket barrier. I always fear that these aren't going to give my ticket back. The number of seconds it takes for it to realise that my ticket is, indeed, a ticket is just ridiculous. Why does it need to be sucked in anyway? You know it would be cheaper to just have the scanner on top of the machine, right? I'm sure there's some reason for it, but I don't see it, and therefore I'm going to complain about it until someone gives me a reason for it.
Right, the station. This is where my journey either begins or ends. Train is arriving, nice and on-time. You know, I think this journey is going to go without a hitch. But gah, fucking Londoners filling up the carriages. I'll have to stand with my 10kg of stuff. Oh yeah, it's nice for you with your suit and your briefcase and your newspaper. I'm sure you have more of a reason to be seated than me. No no, you go ahead. It's not like you were driven to the station by your driver specifically so you could travel to London and be seated on something else. I personally think it would be good for you to stand up every once in a while. And no, standing up to complain to Rhonda because your coffee isn't quite right doesn't count. That's a little racist, bundling them all together like that and judging them because they have jobs. Not everyone's personal assistant is called Rhonda. I'm sorry, Rhondas. Oh well, at least I'm going to get home on time.
Intercom: Due to a signal failure between the Bedford area and London, we have been delayed for an unknown amount of time.
DA FUCK?! Oh how fucking convenient, you wank stains. A signal delay in BEDFORD? I live two stops closer than Bedford! Take the train to fucking Bedford!
Intercom: For those passengers travelling to London, we recommend taking the 1549 Cross-Country Service to London.
LONDONERS! Ooh, if I weren't just words in a head, then I'd give you such a fist shaking. That's uh... that's me shaking my fist at you, and not... you know, something sexual. I don't know what sexual act that could entail, but it sounded sexual so yeah... either way, fuck you guys. Again, not sexual. It was an act of aggression. Not sexual aggression, just regular old "I hate you guys" aggression. Wait! The Londoners are fucking off! Hah, buhbye Suity McI'mbetterthanyou, bye Icanaffordto Reserveaseatonthetrain, bye Pretentious McKnobhead. Is it clearing out? Oh balls, a baby and their parent have just gotten on. Oh they're asking me what's going on. Well I'll inform you. We're fucked. We've actually been fucked up the arse by Idiot McNocommonsensetojusttakethetraintobedford. Outside Voice won't say that, though. You'll say something inspiring, helpful, but nothing too good to get their hopes up.
Outside Voice: Because of something or other happening all the way in Bedford, we've been stopped here for god knows how long. But they have promised that the train will get there at some point.
Driving the point home, good and proper. Bringing the mortals together to stick it to the Man. Oh yeah. I can feel dozens of complaints coming along. I won't complain, because I'm a half decent human being who knows what kind of trouble these guys are in right now. The confusion must be overwhelming. You know where you could deal with that confusion? Bedford. But anyway, let's stop being angry. Aw, look at the baby. He's so cute! That baby is going to annoy me in exactly three seconds. Ooh, accidentally kicked the pram wheel. Therefore that baby is in my way. I hate it. Oh, and now it's getting attention from a patronising old woman. Great. I can see empty seats. But now there's an entire family and an old woman blocking my way. If I could just... kill the baby... no, that would be mean. Especially to the baby. I'll let it live. Kill the parents. No, that would also be mean to the baby. Kill the old woman. She's on a train. No one will miss her. But would she be more in the way if I killed her? I mean, if I had telekinesis then I could atomise her. I think atomise means to break down into atoms... I wonder if it does...
Intercom: Due to signal failures in Bedford...
FUCK OFF! Wish I could atomise you. Right, that's it family, move. AWESOME! SEATS! FREEDOM! MOVE OLD WOMAN! I HAVE A SEAT THAT YOU COULD POTENTIALLY SIT ON TO STEAL! Muahahahahahah! Ah... seat... what a simple pleasure to have. To be able to sit down on a train. This doesn't happen very often. Nope, there's just us simple Kettering-folk and other people who don't matter on this train now. That was rude, it's not that they don't matter, it's that their journeys don't concern me in the slightest. So yeah, they don't matter. Either way, at least I can be seated, and can hopefully relax about the whole process. In order to aid this, I think I'm going to complain to someone... who would be sympathetic to my cause? Josh. He lives in Liverpool. I bet every time he tries to get on the train, loads of bl------- regular thuggish people try and shank him. Or indeed the driver tries to pickpocket the train. Don't know if you've seen the size of pockets on trains, but they're really difficult to get at because they're inside, and there are people there. Can't just grab and run. It's a confined space; he wouldn't get away with it. As such, the train would be delayed as long as the driver is trying to skilfully pickpocket the train. Yeah, I'll text him. Hah, LINMH. I would say LOL, but what I'm actually doing in this case is Laughing In My Head, so that makes more sense. Plus LOL is just awful. So, so awful. LINMH will be the next big thing, you watch. It's catchy, simply and makes total sense. Oh, so when his trains get delayed for more than half an hour, they get free Mars BarsTM and CokeTM? I've been waiting on this train for half an hour. I don't see any Mars Bars. Trademark. I bet you that as soon as the train starts moving, they'll have the cheek to bring the snack trolley over and ask me for money to pay for the food. AHAHA! They're such arseholes. This is such a fixable problem as well, just go to fucking Bedford.
Intercom: Sorry for the delay, but we can confirm that we will be travelling as far as Bedford within the next few minutes.
FINALLY! IT TOOK YOU FORTY FUCKING MINUTES TO DECIDE UPON SOMETHING THAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED AT THE VERY LATEST HALF A-FUCKING HOUR AGO?! YOU DONKEY-FUCKERS. But I do appreciate that we're now moving. I'm sorry, it was rude of me to call you donkey-fuckers. Well, rude to the donkeys at least POW. At least I can stop ranting now. Maybe Outside Voice will chronicle this for his blog... It's been a while.
Well, that was another adventure from Inside Voice, and I hope you enjoyed it.
Stupid trains.
Pete out.
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