Merry Christmas!

Oh boy, the day has finally arrived. You know what this means? It is now socially acceptable for some fat bloke with a beard to break into my house, drink my alcohol and put some kind of parcel underneath a distastefully lit tree.

I would complain about Christmas some more, but I'd rather share some of last year's Christmas words with you, along with some of the Christmas messages I sent out to the people I actually enjoy spending Christmas with, and then I'll share with you a message that I would share with a member of my family, just to put things in comparison.

In fact, I'll do the family message first, using Inside Voice, because I'm feeling particularly hateful right now.

Dear Family Member,
You are a dick. I hate you. You have brought me nothing but pain and misery for the majority of my life. I hope one of your cards is a letter bomb. I hope that one of your parcels has a caltrop bomb in it so that you get stabbed in the feet a lot by lots of tiny pricks. You know what else is a tiny prick? You. You are. You are just an annoying thorn in my side. On this day I am forced to spend time with you due to social etiquette, and so I will do my very best to seem pleased by the fact that you have indeed bought me an expensive item that I do indeed need, but I'd rather be poor and live with my friends. The fact that you are willing to buy me gifts is a bonus. I've never understood why you didn't just send me out years ago. It would have been easy. You could have turned to any of my friends and said, "Do you just want to take him? He clearly prefers you," but you didn't. Me being me, I don't like to burden people, and so I'm going to stick around, because I'm a burden to you. How's that for thorn in the side? Yeah, not so good in return is it?
I wish you all the best for when I finally get a full-time job and a house somewhere that isn't anywhere that would give me obligation to return, but until that time I will continue to hate you, 
Peter.

God I hate them.

So, let's lighten the mood, shall we?

First, I'll write what I put on Facebook:
"Today is the day in which social protocol dictates that we eat lots, give presents and spend the day with the people we're forced to spend the majority of our lives with. I hope you all have a great day. Merry Christmas :)"

Here is another brilliant message that I concocted:
"It's fucking Christmas Day now, so it's time to loosen our belts and deck the halls. I hate halls. That's why I deck them extra hard. I hope you have a wonderful day and I hope Santa doesn't get you anything too deadly :)"

You can take three guesses as to whom this was written to:
"Happy Christmukkah! That's the combination between Hanukkah and Christmas to represent your dual beliefs! Your Jewish side should definitely want to reap the benefits of Christmukkah, since it's two holidays in one. Have a great day :)"

I'm all down for the personalised message thing. Anyway, I'm going to apologise now because I was going to try and do some sort of epic Christmas blog post thing with cartoons and shit, but I'm tired and honestly I'm just not in the mood. Literally, the only thing I like about Christmas is being able to wish everyone a good day in a humorous way. If I get any humorous responses, then I'll naturally post them. In fact, I can start with the one from Josh:
"You too, mate xx have a nice day XD bless your heart having to spend it with those cretins :)"

I feel that, Josh.

Here's Alannah's massively hilarious Christmas message:

"So my first christmas message wasn't 'me' enough! So here goes! Yo, yo, yo Lannabear in da house. .rock out my homies and have a wickey wickey Christmas!Peace out =P!"

But I can't go without sharing at least one funny thing that I made with you (you know, aside from the vlog post which is at the top), so I'm going to steal a realisation from last year:

"I guess I'd better start with Christmas Day since that's kind of a big deal around here. It's either about a fat guy with a beard that breaks into people's homes and steals their food and wine, but then for some reason leaves a load of stuff under a fir tree... or it's about a kid who became born about a month from now two thousand and ten years ago. That kid grew up to have a beard. Wait a minute...

:O NO WAY!

"It all makes sense now. In fact, let me throw another written theory at you.
Father Christmas/Santa
Son Jesus/Emanuel
Holy Ghost of Christmas Past/Present/Future

"Duh!"

I theorised that Santa and Jesus are the same bloke! That's hilarious. In any case, I think it would stand up pretty well. Look at them. They do look very much alike, except of course Jesus would be black... Would be is the important phrase there. However, I don't know if you've seen any photographs of Jesus, he is definitely white. As is Santa. Santa is definitely white as well. Photographic evidence proves this. It's right there, so take a look for yourself.

Anyway, like last year, Christmas Day's post has been awful and depressing. I hope you get a laugh out of my misery, because that in turn will make me happy. I feed off other people's joy like a badger. But watch out, badger's be crazy. Although I do indeed have your back, Jack. Like a butt crack.

As I am socially obligated to say, I hope you do indeed have a wonderful and magical day, and I hope you get fed well, and then I hope you think of the poor people in this world who couldn't feed themselves on Christmas Day, and then I hope you, being the wonderful Audience that you are, help to feed the world and let them know it's Christmas time.

Did I share the Demon TV Christmas video with you?

Well then this is a perfect opportunity!

Merry Christmas, again.

Pete out.