Taken straight from Travis, the keeper of secrets.
This is an entry from a year ago, and I thought it would be quite relevant.
To set the tone, this is just after my 16th Birthday, on the worst day of the year.
I'm planning on comparing it to the same day this year.
Anyway, blast to the past.
"You know, I waffle too much and I seem to have lost the plot. I've talked through two pages at a time on one topic, and that won't do. I appear to have completely disregarded my REAL feelings. It's time to be completely and utterly selfish for a few minutes.
I spent my birthay staring at my laptop waiting for someone to talk to me, almost in tears. Since then I haven't been happy, I've been hiding my emotions from everyone, with [that blonde that I was completely infatuated by when we started talking regularly] I just pretend I'm tired, but she actually seems to give a damn about my feelings.
I've diagnosed myself with hypersomnia, an uncommon symptom of clinical depression.
You could say that.
So what? Am I clinically depressed?
Wouldn't bloody surprise me, a continuation of angry, unpleasant and even deathly thoughts crop up now and then.
I'm glad I can finally write this shit down.
It's 13 years today that my Mum died, that doesn't help much.
If one thinks about it, if I didn't try to physically keep my relationships, everyone would forget that I even exist. No one is ever looking for me, I have to keep running after other people.
I'm tired of it.
It makes things more depressing.
I wait every morning just so I can have that tiny conversation with [that blonde that I was completely infatuated by when we started talking regularly].
I'm in fucking love with her for Christ's sake.
So it seems that this is now more than a sexual attraction, all because she dropped a few books on my head.
I believe in fate, but we subconsciously control that fate.
Things could be better.
Best not to get angry about it though.
Or I'll start punching people.
Over and out."
What has changed since then?
Not sure really, I mean, the fact that this year's worst day of the year wasn't actually that bad proves that something must be going right.
Ah yes, my actual family, those that I love, they made it alright.
I also didn't have to go to French, which was a bonus.
Got to hang with the fam.
and then I got to teach, a time when you absolutely cannot show negative emotions.
03/02/10 - Teaching today was pretty fun, also that girl that I've always probably liked, let's call her Frenchy (when she asked me what nationality she looked, that isn't English, I responded French, and that was exactly the answer she was looking for), is talking to me quite a lot again, but I'm getting increasingly annoyed at myself for liking her still.
So yeah, things are pretty shit, but apparently not as shit as they were.
We'll see what the future brings.
Darling.
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