Tangents

I'm going to go all tangent on your asses. Let's see what happens when I do this!

There was once a crow and an owl, and they were quite content with each other. They were the Dynamic Duo, the crime-fighting team, wit and brawn they were. The crow would warn people of their deaths, and the owl would advise them on how to avoid it. Everything was perfect, and every successful mission made them happier. But the owl soon got OIDS (owl AIDS) and naturally the crow predicted this.
"Owl, you're going to die!"
"I am? Well I'd best be careful then. Perhaps we can avoid it. Maybe we should stop visiting that burly folk with the beard. I didn't like him anyway."
"You don't understand, Owl, you've got OIDS!"
"I never!"
"You so do!"
"Well poppycock. How are we solve this?"
"I don't think we can..."
"But we can't give up now! We've stopped people dying malaria, poverty, extremely bad hairstyles... you name it!"
"We've never come across OIDS before though."
"I know! We always advise people to go and see doctors, we'll just go to the hospital!"

So the crow and the owl went to the hospital, but they didn't get the welcome they expected.
"WHO LET THOSE DISEASE-RIDDEN PIECES OF FILTH INTO MY HOSPITAL!"
Naturally the owl was the most offended, because of his personality traits.
"I beg your bleeding pardon, good sir?"
"You're an owl that can talk?"
"Yes, Crow and I save lives don't you know?"
"No..."
"Well we do! We send people to this hospital every day because of ailments they have not yet discovered."
"And you know what gives people these hidden diseases? OWLS AND FUCKING CROWS! GET OUT!"

The crow and the owl were shunned out of the hospital, there seemed no hope for them.
"What are we going to do now, Owl?"
"I'm all out of ideas, Crow... and I feel that my time is nearing."
"Don't say that, Owl..."
"But you see it, don't you? DON'T YOU?"
"Well yes..."
"How long?"
"I..."
"HOW LONG, DAMN IT?"
"Well the treatment would have prolonged it... but now you only have three days."
"We'd better make the most of it then, hadn't we?"
"Out of interest, Owl, who did you do it with?"
"I was at the bar last night with Tawny."
"Well no bloody wonder! You should've been more careful!"
"And don't you think I bloody know that!?"
At that moment a skinny man limped into their view. The crow immediately stepped in to talk to him.
"Excuse me, sir, but I believe you're going to die in a few weeks."
"But how?"
"That limp... how painful is it?"
"It's the worst pain I've ever felt."
"And soon it'll be all over your body. I'm afraid you have boneitis."
"What a funny name for a horrible disease."
"Owl, what do you make of this?"
"Oh he should just go and see a doctor, like they all do."
"Owl?"
"WHAT DOES IT MATTER ANYMORE?! I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAY! I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN HAPPINESS! NOT GIVING THE BLEEDING OBVIOUS ADVICE TO THESE CUNTS!"
"Owl, calm down."
It appeared that Owl was experiencing a mental breakdown. The limping man gave a nervous, yet thankful nod and scampered off. Crow attempted to calm Owl down.
"It's okay, Owl, we'll get through this. We'll find some way of fixing your OIDS. It hasn't killed Tawny yet, has it?"
"What's the point in you being able to predict things if you then say something different?"
"I'm only trying to help."
"Well do you think your 'help' is curing my OIDS? The only thing that can help us now is..."
"What is it, Owl?"
"Something smarter than an owl!"
"What's smarter than an owl? Especially an owl of your calibre!"
"It's the wisest creature of them all."
"Spit it out!"
The owl regurgitated a pellet.
"Not that, Owl."
"Oh, apologies. The hyena is what we're looking for."
"The hyena? But they're so..."
"Annoying?"
"Yeah, I can't think of worse company."
"This is what has made them so wise. They're so annoying that people avoid them so they can then carry out all the research they want."
"Damn, didn't see that one coming."
"The sloth is a close third by the way."
"What's second?"
The owl gave the crow a stern look.
"Oh right, sorry."

So, the crow and the owl set off to find the hyena. Two days and nights passed, and on the third they found the hyena. Unfortunately, this being the predicted day of Owl's death from OIDS, he was in no fit position to talk (which makes my life a lot easier).
"What do you want, Crow?"
"I need you to help me save my friend."
"Looks like an owl. People look up to owls. They respect them. They don't respect the hyena though."
"Yeah well..."
"What're you saying I'm annoying?"
The hyena has, what can only be described, as the most annoying voice you'll ever hear.
"Listen, Hyena, it doesn't matter. I'm asking this favour of you, to do what Owl does. To become what you always wanted to be. You're smarter than him, but people don't know it. This is your one chance to prove to the world that hyenas are the smartest creature on the planet!"
"Well I'm sold. Let's see what's wrong with your friend, here."
"He has OIDS."
"Owl AIDS? I haven't come across that before, but then again, I don't get any customers. Put the owl down, I need to think for a while."
"Please be quick, he doesn't have long."
"Well you're not speeding things up by pleading, are you?"
The crow remained silent. The hyena, however, made the most annoying buzzing noise as he thought. It was also very apparent when he had just worked something out, because he made an ear-splitting screeching noise and bounced around like a 20th Century child being told the news that they would no longer have to work in the fabric factory running beneath the deadly-deadly machines. At one point the crow was so annoyed that he dared to think that it would've been better to leave Owl to die. But now he was here, and there was a job to do.
"Okay, I've worked it out."
"You have?!"
"Yeah, don't get too excited though, because you're going to need to give something up."
"Anything."
"Your left testicle."
"I - I mean, you can't be..."
"I'm kidding! Haha, your face was hilarious!"
"Okay, thank you, just get to the point."
"His immune system has shut down, and his brain will soon stop functioning, but all we have to do is to get these to work again."
"How?"
"Well first we need to give him a deadly disease that his immune system will instantly fend off."
"Like what?"
"Like RAIDS."
"Rabies AIDS?"
"The very same."
"You want me to go and find a rabid dog with rabies and get it to rape my friend?"
"The great part is that it doesn't even have to be a dog! My honey badger friend just happens to go out on the town all the time and has both rabies and AIDS!"
"That's just fantastic."
"Hey, Honey Badger, come here! I've got something for you to rape."
The Honey Badger emerged with a bull's testicles hanging from its mouth.
"Been busy, I see."
Once the honey badger saw the owl, it didn't even need to be told what to do next. He instantly pounced and [descriptive text removed for reader's safety].
"Well that was quick."
"I'm going to find more animals to castrate."
"Bye, Honey Badger!"
"You just let the most violent mammal on Earth rape my friend."
"And he's already recovering! Sure he'll have a [redacted] and he'll need to put an ice pack on it every morning, and sure he'll have to endure the horrible, horrible [redacted] but at least we saved his life."
The owl started to stir, and the hyena enacted the next stage of his plan.
"All we need to do now is to get his brain working again. The simplest way is algebra, but the most effective way is to get him doing what he did before."
"Helping people avoid deaths?"
"Exactly."
"Hmm... I hate to tell you this, Hyena, but you're going to die."
"What?"
The owl pushed itself up enough to open his beak and utter a few words.
"Avoid your honey badger friend... honey badgers are no one's friend."
"Yeah but we have an understanding... He would never castrate me?"
"You're smarter than I am, Hyena, heed my warning."
"Nah, you're alright."
At that moment the honey badger pounced on the hyena and immediately castrated him. The owl and the crow flew off.
"I'm glad you're okay now, Owl."
"Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better. But my [redacted] feels a little weird... what on Earth happened while I was unconscious?"
"I think it's better that I don't tell you."
They flew off into the sunset and the noises of a hyena being castrated by a honey badger were drowned out by the awakening of night-life.

Aren't stories wonderful?
I was planning on doing multiple tangents, but let's face it, you'll be happy with just the one today.
Hutch out.