I'm So Ashamed.

I don't ... I don't even know where to begin.

I umm... God, I don't want to say this.

Okay, I'll just blurt it out at some random point during the blog and then I guess I'll be able to talk about it.

So how are you today?
Uhuh.
Yeah.
Oh that's cool.
Oh really?
Wow, I'm so jealous.
A dolphin?
Really?
My god.

You know, I actually have a funny story about a dolphin. No, really, I do.

You see, there was this dolphin and a polar bear. And I know what you're thinking, "How could a polar bear and a dolphin ever meet? Polar bears live in the Arctic and dolphins live at Waterworld in Florida." Be that as it may, there was a particular dolphin and a particular polar bear who just happened to be in the same place at the same time. In fact, they were at their local shopping centre. Americans call them malls. Anyway, they were buying hats. The dolphin saw this really flamboyant, pink, flowery number and tried it on and the polar bear said, "Oh hey, girl, how you doin'?"
And so the dolphin said, "My name is Gary."
"Ah, my mistake. You see, it was because of -"
"You're going to say, 'because of the hat' aren't you?"
"Well, it is kind of - "
"What? Come on, say it."
"Feminine."
"Feminine eh? How about we see how feminine you are when I bite your nuts off?"
"Don't you think that's a little extreme? I just don't think it suits you."
"Well what would you suggest, white boy?"
"Maybe a nice straw hat or... or a skull."
"Skull, eh? That does sound more to my taste."
"Oh... good."
"You're alright, Barry."
"My name is Tom."
"Tom the polar bear? Nah, that's ridiculous."
"What's wrong with Tom? Barry isn't a good polar bear name either."
"Sure it is. Barry the polar bear, here for your service, you could say. It'd make you sound more... handy."
"Handy?"
"Yeah, like a handyman."
"But I'm a polar bear. Plumbing isn't exactly in my repertoire."

Anyway, all the while they were having this discussion some poachers had spotted them and aimed for the polar bear, in order to harvest its delicious meat and its warm fur.

"All I'm saying is, you'd just seem more friendly."
"But I'm a polar bear. I'm big and scary!"
"Nah, you're all cute and cuddly, you are."

The crosshairs fell on the polar bear's neck, an easy target for the well-rehearsed poacher who was conveniently in a shopping centre with his rifle on the same day as a polar bear and a dolphin. This was also the day in which no one appeared to notice a dude with a gun in the middle of a public place, nor the fact that two endangered species were just wandering around like they owned the place. These reasons just added to the already numerous list that the poacher was forming in his head in order to justify killing the massive beast.

His finger squeezed on the trigger, and the poacher caught the dolphin's eye at the last moment as the bullet left the barrel of the rifle.

"Barry!"

The dolphin threw himself in front the polar bear, his flowery pink hat flying off in the process. The bullet collided with his gut, forcing the dolphin into a premature landing that would have certainly killed him quicker. The polar bear was speechless as the dolphin flopped in front of him, the scarlet liquid oozing from the entry wound. The polar bear snarled, pitched his nose and followed the scent back to the poacher. The poacher made a break for it, but fortunately the kung-fu panda was there and kicked him square in the how's your mothers. The kung-fu panda stepped aside, and the polar bear ripped the poacher to shreds. Because, you know, polar don't have morals. They don't give you second chances. They're bears. And at the end of the day, that just means that they're going to kill you. Because they're bears. And bears kill people. All the time. If you piss a bear off, by say, killing a dolphin in front of him while they were having a perfectly nice conversation, then it will kill you.

I guess the moral of the story is to not piss off bears. It's also that anyone can wear pink, flowery hats and not be ashamed of it.

I WAS IN A NAKED PHOTOSHOOT.

Whew, I'm glad that's out there.

Don't worry, it's for charity, and there were plenty of people there so it wasn't weird at all.

I will tell you though, that after the second or third photo, the photographer had to re-position one of the lights because apparently my chest hair was too reflective. How hilarious.

Other than that, everything's fine. Beer Goggles Dodgeball shoot tomorrow, which'll be fun.

Okay, I think that's it, really.

Pete out.