Tavis Entry 05/05/09

I've decided to post a few more entries from Travis, just to get another little insight into what my life is like, on the inside, the truth.
I realised that this blog doesn't deal with what's on the inside a lot of the time, and since this is now a private blog, I can do exactly that.
So here goes.

"Okay, so I didn't write when I said I would.
But I would rather wait until things build up rather than writing the same old shit over.

Okay, beginning.

I hate my life.

Wow, that was easy.

But seriously, I've completely fallen for [that blonde girl I used to like] now but we're talking less and less. See? It's fucked up, man. How would I hold a relationship if I can't hold up a friendship? I fucking love her, Trav.
Focussing, that was certainly a statement to make.
But I won't even have the fucking courage to tell her how I feel before she's just gone. Will she make an effort to stay in touch? Probably not.

I'm also having a bit of an identity crisis.
I'm not who I am.
It makes no sense, but nothing makes any sense at all, let's talk, let's taaaalk, oh let's talk.
Little bit of lyrication there for ya.

I don't even have the courage to kill myself.

Oh, clinical depression.
What art thou doing in the bosom of my life?

Little bit of Shakespeare-ication there for ya.

My home is at school and my friends are my family.
Lujamc and Bejocr are those fun-loving Aunt and Uncle.
Pedadu is my brother.
Topeho is the nerd next dorr.
[That blonde girl I once liked] is the girl next door.
Lamaal is the cleaner (it seems appropriate for some reason, based on my Dad's relationship with our cleaner)
However, no parents.
The teachers are my parents? Not a clue. I don't know enough about parents to know.

Anyway, identity.
I'm not part of the nerd herd.
I'm certainly not a jock.
I apparently have a stoner's personality.
So where do I fall?
I am my group.
I am no one.
I hate that group.
I want to die, but there's so much I want to see in life.
I think I'm going to end up killing myself if I hit a mid-life crisis.
Wait, identity crisis, depression, need to escape...
THAT IS A MIDLIFE CRISIS!

Oh well, you win some, you lose most.

I'll write during exam period."

My god that was depressing, I'm terribly sorry.
I'm not in a mid-life crisis, just so you know.
I was just going through a phase of "Oh fuck the fuck off"
In fact, flicking through, there are more "Oh fuck the fuck off" entries in Travis than there are happy ones.
I'll post another right away.