So Cinderella’s mum died one day, and told her that she needed to be good and kind for the rest of her life. Cinderella was all like, “Okay mother, I shall abide by your dying wish.” But little did Cinderella’s mother know that she was in fact a cold-hearted bitch, and the words coming out of her mouth were utter lies and slander. Cinderella had an ulterior motive. She would get her Dad to marry another woman, who would hopefully have evil daughters, and they’d all treat her like shit. She’d then act all innocent until her moment to strike was upon her. But let’s not ruin the story.
Cinderella and her father visited the grave of his ex-unpaid sex-slave every day until winter, when the snow covered the grave, and for some reason that meant that they couldn’t visit anymore. Hello, this isn’t China; you could’ve used a snow shovel. But no, this was the start of Cinderella’s evil plot.
By spring time, Cinderella’s father had got himself a new toy/plaything/unpaid sex-slave/significant other/wife. This new person brought two other new people with her, things that are colloquially called the Evil Step Sisters *scary noises*. These evil step sisters were very mean to Cinderella, and did her every single possible injury EVER. They mocked her and emptied her peas and lentils into the ashes, so that she was forced to sit and pick them out again, and then they raped her with a 2x4 and left her with a black man in a dark alley. They then killed her and revived her in order to rape her again. In the evening when she had worked till she was weary she had no bed to go to, but had to sleep by the fireside in the ashes. That made her dirty and filthy and annoyed. But this was not going to distance her from her ultimate goal.
One day their father was going to market and he asked the girls what they wanted. The Evil Step Sisters were all like “Jewels and nice dresses” because they’re evil and manipulative. Cinderella asked for the first branch that her father’s hat broke. Aw, isn’t that nice? That’s what she wants you to think. When their Dad went to market, he got the evil jewels and the evil dresses and when his hat broke a branch, he brought back that innocent branch and gave it to Cinderella. Cinderella went to her mother’s grave and planted it. Yes, she planted a branch. I know that doesn’t make trees grow. However, this was an innocent and lovely branch, so it grew into an innocent and lovely tree. Apparently some birds came on it, but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.
So yeah, soon this ball thing came up, and all of the collagen dependent females from across the land went to go see this prince guy in order to wed him. The Evil Step Sisters were invited, because according to the original story they were actually quite hot, and not the way Disney portrayed them because they’re racist. Anyway, yeah, Cinderella wanted to go, so she asked her step-mum, but her step-mum was all like, “No, you’re fucking ugly and nobody likes you. You’re an embarrassment to this family and quite frankly if it wasn’t for your Dad then you’d have been on the streets years ago.” This angered Cinderella, and she was tempted to use her evil powers to vaporise her step-mum, but she could not, because it would ruin her plan. Her step-mother said that if she could fill two bowls with peas that she threw in the fire, then she could go.
And thus, Cinderella’s evil plot started to unfurl. She used her ability to call upon the wild and sent all the birds from the garden plummeting into the fire. The sudden roar of fire from all the incinerated birds pleased Cinderella, but this would not help her. She sent in more birds to pick the peas from the fire and place them in the bowl. Every now and then one would look at her with pleading eyes, showing her how charred and burnt its beak was, but Cinderella gave it an evil glare and it returned to work.
So Cinderella gave the bowl of peas to her step-mother, but this wouldn’t do for her. Now she wanted two bowls of lentils from the fire. This time Cinderella nearly lost it and destroyed her with her heat vision, but instead she once again tortured the birds into doing her chores for her. This time, she was sure her step-mother would let her go, but her argument of the fact that she wore rags and couldn’t dance cropped up again. Cinderella was all like, “YOU MADE ME DO ALL THAT FUCKING WORK SO THAT YOU COULD REPEAT YOUR FUCKING POINT?!” Her step-mother then slapped Cinderella and ‘punished’ her with a chair-leg.
So everyone went to the party without Cinderella. She used this opportunity to put on really loud porn sit underneath the tree she planted earlier. She then told the birds that were just minding their own business there to make her a dress, so they did. It wasn’t a half-bad job either, and was silver and gold in colour.
So Cinderella went to the ball. She did a dance in front of her step-mum and Evil Step Sisters, but they just thought she was a foreign lunatic. “They come over here and take up space on our dance floor!”
Then the Prince found Cinderella. Everything was going as according to plan. They danced the night away, and fortunately for Cinderella he was a selfish prick because he would not let anyone else have a go with his new toy.
The end of the evening was nearing and the prince was kind of horny, so he rang his hotel but sadly his room wasn’t ready yet so he had two choices. Either he would bunk with his dad, the King, or shag this bimbo that he had just picked up. The choice was clear. But on the way back to her house, Cinderella escaped and hid in a bird house. This was somehow devious and tied in with the plot in some kind of way. The prince looked for her, but couldn’t find her.
You know what? Let’s just skip over the next bit. Basically, there was another event, Cinderella told her birds to do her bidding, the prince was horny again, but Cinderella escaped once more. What I don’t understand is how the fuck a little girl can escape from a prince, who undoubtedly has a horse, and lots of horsed men who are obliged to stay at his side. Do you see what I mean about Cinderella having evil powers?
So yeah, this time it all happened again. Cinderella got a new dress from her Chinese sweat shop birds, but this time the prince got one up on Cinderella. When she did her ninja shit to escape, one of her shoes got caught in the tarp that the prince and the king put down. How flipping devious is that? But once again, we see how this prince is actually a bastard, because he forgot what Cinderella looked like because he was far too fixated on her chest and her downstairs locker room.
Now comes the part of the story we all know and love. The prince ended up at Cinderella’s house and asked the girls to try the shoe on. The eldest sister went first, but did it in her room. Because Cinderella has evil dainty feet, she couldn’t get her bloody big toe in, so her mother told her to cut it off. Yeah, that’s right. They cut off her toe. That could kill you. And in this day and age it’s sure to get infected. They’re just not thinking straight. So yeah, the prince was fooled by this and carried her off to live with him. But Cinderella was watching from her window, and she glared at the birds in the tree, who sang to the prince, telling him that it was a sham and that she’d cut off her toe. The prince slapped her, pulled off the shoe and then plunged a knife into her foot.
The prince returned, so the little sister had a turn, but her heel didn’t fit in. You can pretty much guess what happens next. Her mother butchers her heel off, and the prince is fooled again. Cinderella pulled the same devious trick, and the prince plunged the knife into the foot again.
The plot was unfurling, Cinderella could feel it. She sniffed the air as the prince returned, catching a whiff of his slightly effeminate perfume. Her goal was in sight, the only thing that was stopping her now was her evil step-mother. Cinderella pulled her into her room, locked the door and let the key sit in her cleavage. This was now a fight to the death.
They glared at each other, poised with their arms at their sides, ready to fight. The step mother cleverly hid a rapier in her dress, which she pulled out and brandished in front of Cinderella. Cinderella was prepared for this. She dodged the swipe from her step-mother, jumped and smashed her fist into the wall. Out from it she drew a huge battle-axe. After several clangs of their weapons, Cinderella locked the rapier in the head of the axe and ripped it from her step mother’s arms. She then brought the axe down on her step-mother’s arm, cleaving it right off. Cinderella dropped the battle-axe and stared a deathly stare at the evil woman. Within another second, a bright flash emanated from her eyes and the step-mother was incinerated.
Cinderella then jumped downstairs, popped the shoe on and led the prince out the door. “Look, it fits, see? Let’s go and live our wonderful life together.” And yeah, that happened.
On the wedding day, the Evil Step Sisters turned up, seeking revenge. Cinderella simply glared at them and then two pigeons swooped down and tore out their eyes. That’s fucking dark.
“Everything has gone too well…” Cinderella thought to herself every morning. But soon the prince started drinking Stella Artois, and in his drunken rages he started to abuse Cinderella. Fucking karma, bitch. Every day was now miserable for her, and soon she decided that enough was enough. She slept with the King, became parasitically oppressed and then gave the prince a half-brother. This half-brother was ripped in half by the prince, and because he wasn't happy he beat Cinderella to death with his Xbox 360 and then hung her out of the window. Because he was now depressed and couldn't bear anymore, he looked to his hero Ezio Auditore di Firenzi and became an Assassin. After many successful missions he defeated his father, all the regents and all heirs to the throne so that he became king. He then decided to climb his castle and jump off into a hay stack. However, in real life a hay stack doesn't save you from a 300ft drop, so he died.
Fin.
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