Salute to Stupidity

"Smooth and rounded, but with a sleek sharp edge, like a watermelon giving birth to a Katana." Josh Hilton on RichChief's new Blip player


"I have the Jews!" Peter H on which countries have viewed his blog. Incidentally it was Israel, and when I said this to Dukey he was completely taken aback and had no idea what I was talking about. Then he understood a moment later and it was fine. 


"*Pants with eyes closed like squinty Asian dog*" Josh Hilton on it really doesn't matter, just roll with it.


Hilton: *Nokia theme tune* Oh that's me, sorry.
Hello, Dukey's amusing parts...
You're where...?
You did what...?
To whom...?
She never...?
Okay, I'll see you later... yeah, buh-bye.
Dukey, your funny just called me.
Duke: Really, where is it?
Hilton: You'll never guess where it is.
Duke: I need that asshole back here.
Chatting up just isn't the same without out.
You're right, I'll never guess where it is.
Hilton: Well there's good news and there's bad news.
The good news is, that your funny tested negative for Venereal Diseases
Hutch: It has gonorrhoea doesn't it?
Hilton: Oh SNAP!
Great minds... but I digress
The bad news is that after going to a model village slightly outside Lancaster because it thought it would be a good first date for it and a disabled chick (no stairs)
It arrived at said mini-village and decided that pretending to be Godzilla was a fantastic idea.
Duke: Yeah... he texted me a picture of his flaccid penis
He wanted me to know that he was thinking of me -.-
Hilton: So turned on was the disabled chick that she regained the power to walk and see, and stood up to go and rape it, although let's face it, it wouldn't have been rape...
Anyways, this blind chick stands up, but she got her tail caught in the brake of the wheelchar.
So the wheelchair flies like, 20ft in the air, and tears off the disabled chick's tail.
She whelps in agony and falls forward and crushes Chucky Cheese Hamburgers
and he can't take his eyes off this now tailed wheelchair falling towards him.
She stands up, well she's broken both legs, probably needs hospital treatment, but stand up on wobbly broken disabled Japanese legs.
He makes the classic mistake you hear about so often a hospitals of just tripping and falling into her vagina whilst a model building finds its way into his dilated rectum.
And then, after he's just recovered enough to realize he's lost his virginity to a Japanese invalid, the tailed wheelchair comes flying down and crushes her into three pieces.
In agony over the loss of his new love, he runs from the model village to the pier overlooking the sea just after the minigolf course and left, and stands on the end of the pier ready to drown himself, when the spirit of his recently deceased wife rises up from under the waves and calls him a necrophiliac.
He goes possum on her ass and plays dead, and so afraid he's met the same fate as her, she uses her dead Japanese person power to teleport him to Kettering General. He got himself tested in case he'd caught something, but he was VD Free luckily. On the downside his Urinary Tract is flaring again, and Doctor Kawasaki has given him some antobiotics. All's well that ends well I guess
Does teacg us a certain moral though. Walking through a model village pretending to be Godzilla when there are Japanese people nearby almost never ends well.
And as far as I can tell, the only factual inaccuracy is that you humour changed from androgenous to a he halfway... any questions.
Duke: *raises hand*
Hilton: Yes, Peter
Duke: Sir...
... da fuck?
Hilton: Ask him, his story...
I may have gotten a little carried away...

“You should get up in the middle of your exam and start praying. You can use your exam paper as a mat. Use your face to prove that you’re French-Arabian.” Peter Duke and Joe Hadden on Harry Simpson

“Wookie leaks, that’s how the Empire found Kashyyk” Peter Duke on Wiki-leaks

"Sheikh Harry Robert Ballbag Omar Al-Simpson the Third" Harry's new name.

“You know what I hate as a Muslim?” “Bothans?” “Yeah!” “Many Bothans died to bring us this information.” Us quoting on Harry's musliminity

“Jedi ghosts have very simple pleasures. Like walking into the female changing room and not being noticed.” Harry Simpson on dead Jedi

“Leopards know no bounds” Joe Hadden on the Biology paper

“I’m going to make an app so you can take a picture of someone you think is a terrorist and then it runs it through a database.” Harry Simpson on new apps

“Stop writing down what I say!” Everyone on glaring at me

“I apologise, but I have to do it.” Peter H on I'm not stopping

“Do you know what, Hutchy? You remind me of a shit I once took.” Josh Hilton on does it even matter now?

“Hutchy, you are a truly wonderful and fantastic person and I love you and want to have your babies. Banana cock” Josh Hilton on well... actually, I misquoted him. 

“Beep boop beep” Josh Hilton pretending to be Cleveland D2

“Jesus came from the banana. Hutch will never be able to get all of this.” You're right. I didn't. 

“Hutchy, Harry apparently lost his virginity twice to a Japanese invalid.” Peter Duke on Harry Simpson

“Ich bin gemacht mit Deutsch” “Gemacht? *giggle* Getan, maybe” Peter H and Josh Hilton on German grammar

“Do you think she has a domain called dot hodge?” Peter H on Dorothy Hodgkin, the inventor of insulin

"Do you want to go to Morrison's and do some shopping?" The spontaneous new bus driver on why the hell have you turned around to talk to little kids when you're DRIVING. Every time you do that we almost die. 


"We're through!" The spontaneous new bus driver on did we just run a red light in the slowest vehicle on the planet? I'm serious, this guy is going to get us killed. He doesn't know what the purpose of speed bumps is; he sees it more as a challenge to see how far he can get the wheels off the ground. 

"Surely Sophia is your Pole?" Peter H on Luke said "This is my pole" while clutching a pole. 


"Look, Hutchy, I have zinc in my pocket." Josh on zinc in his pocket. "We could coat steel in it and make bins." Peter H on apparently this was the single most hilarious thing I've ever said to Josh about zinc ever. Heather found it funny too. I honestly don't see why, but I was pretty much ordered to put it here. If you find it funny, then I must be a secret comedy genius when I'm trying not to be a comic genius. 

I shall endeavour to carry this on later.